Favorite lines from Seinfeld?

(Jerry) "Because that's your thing!"

(Elaine) "What, calling up people I hardly know and demanding that they return expensive gifts? That's my thing?"

(Jerry) "Yeah, that's your thing."

Jerry : "Five thousand."

Whatley : "Whatever."

This episode was on last night. Frank calls Georges boss Kruegar, Cougar throughout the whole dinner scene.

any number of times

v

they fooled me, Jerry

Me: Yay! No more crappy base interludes!

Elaine: My roommate has Lyme disease.
Jerry: Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
Elaine: She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.

oh yeah also when george sez he "coined the phrase" pardon my french

"Am I insane, Jerry? Or am I so sane that I just blew your mind?!"

"This! This! I don't LIKE this! And THIS is what I'm going to do with it!"

ALSO what was the name of the whiskey that Kramer drinks that has no odor? Henneseys? Cos he had that great song about it.

"I'm a man. You know who else is a man? Charlie's a man."

mind you i also think friends is pretty funny even though i also hate it

True, it's like an insidious drug that doesn't get you high until you're addicted...."I smoked it once and didn't feel anything..." It may be that Seinfeld isn't funny in one dose but has an intertexuatlity requirement for appreciation. You don't laugh at what was said today, but because what was said today comments on what was said in all the previous episodes (which, as an addict, you have naturally seen). This effect continues unbroken through Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm which is utterly cruel and unfunny until you realize that it's from the Seinfeld creator and he's doing Seinfeld over again with a harder edge. Seinfeld hardly needs Jerry, he's never funny. Larry David is funny...or not.

I dunno about that, but the last episode sort of made more explicit what the whole show had been about.

I think this was mentioned on the xander/bez threads

yes! i love all the descriptions that happen in that episode

"A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and flared nostrils."
- Kramer, describing Jerry

"Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose."
- George, describing Jerry

"A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head."
- The ticket lady, describing George

"A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan."
- George, describing Elaine

"WORLD'S ARE COLLIDING!"

Woman on plane: "Oh David, you're so funny."
Putty: "Yeah, I know."

Also, reading this thread it struck me that Seinfeld isn't nearly as funny when you read the lines, you have to hear the characters saying them.

Also, everything that Philip Baker Hall says as the Library Cop.

1. "Something about Raymond" = !!
2. Frasier is the smartest sitcom on tv, e.g. "Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around a fabulously furnished Tuscan villa, you sit *around* the fabulously furnished Tuscan villa."

aka the nerdiest :-p

Then I think "Great. That's highly entertaining brain, thanks. You can stop now." lather, rinse, repeat.

JERRY: George Peppard has been dead for years.

GEORGE: Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team.

GEORGE: What are you gunna say to her?
JERRY: Ur, 'hello'?
GEORGE: You're not going across THE LINE with 'hello'!!!!

1. interpersonal relationships are too good to be a game so let's reduce it to one
2. every episode always resets the characters: if they have something at the start it will be gone by the end, sure they'll have learned but they always seem to lose
3. the deliveries
4. he knows the stand-up bits are rubbish - ts: reading an essay & comment about the painful idiosyncrasy of unrequited love vs Spike-Buffy acting it out for you, hullo?! Hm?
5. so funny, so so funny
6. &c. or "I have run out of things to say right now, really, so I should stop 'saying', full stop".

sung along to a synth pop jingle type background:

"believe it or not George isn't at home
please leave a messaaaaage at the beep
i cant be here or id pick up the phone
where could i beeeee.......?

pah pah pah

Believe it or not - im not ho-o-o-ome!"

Its a parody of the song "Walking on Air", which I wouldn't ever describe as synthpop.

The deal with the stand-up bits is that the show debutted during the early 90s standup fad, and the gimmick was the "its part stand up comedy, part sit-com!" They gradually phased out the standup bits, and with good cause.

That chimp's all right.

ESTELLE: I feel a draft. Let's change tables.
FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.
ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!
FRANK: Order a hot dish.

Woman - "What's ironic?"

Elaine - "This. That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties."

Woman - "No, I mean, what does `ironic' mean?

Jerry: We're four months apart!

George: Nevertheless.

(possibly botched from memory)

"I've always wanted to pretend to be an architect."

"I'm sorry but I'm not at home,
Please leave a message, after the tone,
I'm not here or I'd answer the phone,
Where could I beeeee???"

Absolutely my favourite bit ever. Or at least in the top 10.

Jerry: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?

Kramer: It's just a writeoff for them.

Jerry: How is it a writeoff?

Kramer: They just write it off.

Jerry: Write it off what?

Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.

Jerry: You don't even know what a writeoff is.

Kramer: Do you?

Jerry: No. I don't.

Kramer: But they do, and they are the ones writing it off.

(Kramer leaves.)

Jerry: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

-You look taller
-Timberlands

George: "You can stick your 'sorry's in a sock!"

__

Elaine: "Don't worry, Jerry, it's in the vault."

Jerry: "No good. Too many people know the combination." (makes alcohol swigging motion)

__

Kramer with the lollypop getting bigger throughout the episode, too, was a nice touch. "FDR wants me dead."

"Well, it's my job and I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm also a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf."

This is just plain wrong. I recently watched the whole series from start to finish over a period of two weeks and there is definite, if subtle, character development.

woman on subway: "really?"

george: "well, they hurt him bad. really... hurt his feelings".

*****************

kramer: "i mean, isn't there like statue of limitations on that?

jerry: "statute."

kramer: "what?"

jerry: "statute of limitations. It's not a statue."

kramer: "no, it's statue."

jerry: "fine, it's a sculpture of limitations."

kramer: "just wait a minute...elaine, elaine! now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?"

elaine: "statuTE."

kramer: "oh, I really think you're wrong."

Girlfriend: There's food all over this test, where'd you get it?
George: From my pocket.
Girlfriend: And there's coffee on it, where'd you get that?
George: From the coffee shop
Girlfriend: But I didn't see you leave. I was by the door the entire time.
George: The door? Why would I use the door when there's a perfectly good window right here?

J:"Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives."

E:"Shouldn't he say badbye? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?"

J:"No, it's still goodbye."

E:"Does he live underwater?"

J:"No."

E:"Is he black?"

J:"Look, just forget the whole thing."

J:"Undateable!"

E:"But people meet all the time. How do you explain that?"

J:"Alcohol."

does zemko still not like seinfeld?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

and "Tomato sauce"

Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna do it!

George: Not gonna do it? What are you crazy! This is like discovering plutonium, BY ACCIDENT!!!

I'm also pretty sure you're not supposed to use a dOnut.

Morty: "I was never impeached! I resigned!"

Helen: "Even so, the press would bury him!"

Jerry: "What press?"

Helen: "The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze."

Morty: "Pinko Commie rag."

jerry: who goes anywhere with newman?

george: well...he's merry.

George: Ponce de Leon? But that was great!

Elaine: Oh, come one. That fountain of youth scene at the end, where they're all splashing around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on!

George: Lemme tell you something. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? I lost it.

Jerry: whats in the briefcase?
Kramer: Crackers

boss: kramer, i've been looking over these reports you turned in, and frankly, your work stinks.
kramer: just trying to get ahead, sir.
boss: it's almost as if you have no business training at all.
kramer: i'll work harder. nights. weekends.
boss: that's not good enough. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to let you go.
kramer: i don't even really work here.
boss: i know. that's why this is so difficult.

and the whole "we never talk any more" scene between jerry and kramer is pretty golden.

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

KRAMER
Jerry. Hey Jerry?

JERRY
I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand]

You're late.

KRAMER
Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

JERRY
Like you care.

KRAMER
The work piled up, I lost track of time--

JERRY
[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into sink] was, for two.

KRAMER
You cooked?

JERRY
[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.

KRAMER
[in pain] Ow! Jeez!

JERRY
What's wrong?

KRAMER
{Ow!} It's my stomach.

JERRY
You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

KRAMER
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

JERRY
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

KRAMER
Oh here we go--

JERRY
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY
[pause] It's your third day..

KRAMER
[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]

JERRY
Well.
[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!

Seinfeld: Because your fathers bald!

Costanza: Baldness is inherited from the mothers side, Jerry.

Seinfeld: But your mothers bald too!

The Race.. Jerry gets the headstart because of Kramers car. You just see Duncans face while hes running..

Also, at the end of the mom and pop store where Jerry and Kramer are in the bus.. Kramers nose starts bleeding and he goes " Jerry, I'm falling apart here " and the music comes on with Jerry comforting Kramer.

Priceless

"WHat have you done to yourself!!"
kramer noticing Jerry has shazed his chest

"It... it moved."

In one episode there's a scene with George visiting his mother in the hospital. (This must be "The Contest." She comes home unexpectedly to find him masturbating and falls down in shock. George relating this story leads to the bet.) After the bet he's visiting his mother and in the next bed a beautiful female patient is being given a sponge bath by a beautiful nurse. George has already made the bet so it's killing him, but he can't ignore it. In a later episode (probably the one mentioned above where he gets a massage from the masseur and is wondering if he's gay), he visits his mom again in a similar hospital room but this time a hunky male patient is getting a sponge bath from a hunky male nurse, and he again can't ignore it, though it's giving him all sorts of inner conflict.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" - and moving your hands apart in a flat gesture at the same time.

Also:
George when being fired because he selpt with the cleaning lady:
"Was that ... wrong?"

Seinfeld is often praised for its dialogue, but I also think that the acting and the little schticks are a very important reason why the series is so lovable. E.g. George and Jerry's "tolerant" gay hand gesture, Jerrys near-inability to actually act, his high-pitched voice, the bit where Elaine cringes and almost breaks down because John-John is not at the gym, George's pauses, Kramer's clumsiness etc. I never fancied Kramer's door entrée much, though. Too staged.

Does anyone know when the next one will be released?

"Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam!"

Jerry: "Come on Marcelino, I paid you fifty dollar already. Can't you take down the cheque?"
Marcelino: "Ehno, sorry, estore-policy."
Jerry: "But it's *your* store!"
Marcelino: "Even I am not above estore-policy."

Jerry: Hey - how was the beach?
Kramer: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas!

Kramer: You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah, only for a while.
Kramer: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Kramer: Jerry. It's L.A, nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a who-ooorreeee!

JERRY

All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.

GEORGE

Fine.

JERRY

They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?

GEORGE

I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

JERRY

But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!

GEORGE

I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..

JERRY

[resigned] At least it's show business..

GEORGE

But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.

JERRY

What if she's got no interest in you?

GEORGE

Then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.

Do we know when the next season dvd is coming out?

GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.

ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"!

GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?

ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!

GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?

GEORGE: Its not easy.

http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/

I never liked Seinfeld in general.

jerry seinfeld is a legend in the hood

hahahahahahahaha, great screen names throughout history

Not that I'm in much a funny mood now, here's one of my favourite lines from the show:

Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool. (Elaine to Jerry)

...

Would you call an African born male who has American citizenship that is white, an African American? No even though that is exactly what he is.

The whole "African American" moniker is a F-ing joke, and should stop being used.

Posted at 8:51AM on Nov 20th 2006 by craig

Posted at 8:45AM on Nov 20th 2006 by Think about it

Posted at 8:58AM on Nov 20th 2006 by Alice

Posted at 9:02AM on Nov 20th 2006 by Rob

http://pdl.stream.aol.com/aol/us/aolentertainment/30mz/2006_11/1120_richards_2_dl.mov

But wow, though. He clearly gets a little nervous and tries to play it off at the end with, "See? Still, these words! These words!" The initial "50 years ago" bit kind of seals the deal though. These are probably his actual feelings.

Now I know why Kramer never had any black friends.

What about Jackie Chiles?

WTF?: "Seinfeld"'s Michael 'Kramer' Richards in Weird-o-Rama Onstage Meltdown

Just saw this one:

Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka!

GEORGE: Kinda busy here.

KRAMER: I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.

GEORGE: Why can't I stay?

KRAMER: Because it doesn't concern you.

GEORGE: Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay.
(Kramer then grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)

[Setting: Puddy’s office]

(Jerry and George are in conference)

JERRY: (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up.

GEORGE: Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!

JERRY: George! Can we focus on the car, here?

GEORGE: I’m starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

PUDDY: (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature, here, and we’ll get you that yellow car ready to go.

JERRY: Yellow? I wanted black.

PUDDY: I can’t give you black at that price.

JERRY: (Pleading) George, could you help me, please?

GEORGE: (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!

JERRY: Sing it, sister!

GEORGE: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch..!

JERRY: (Exasperated) Uhhh..

GEORGE: (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or… Lem is not gonna get away with this!

George: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.

Fusilli Jerry is one of my favourite episodes...

Geroge's mum: I'm out there, George.
George: You're not out there.
Mum:I am too.
George: You're not out there. You can't be because I am out there. And if I see you out there there's not enough voltage in this world to electro-shock me back into coherence.

Kramer: It's Fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer:In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
Jerry: Why fusilli?
Kramer: Because you're silly. Get it?

This contains many of my favourite lines.

20th episode in series 9 and still hilarious.

"....Mulva?"

"DELORIS!"

when i think of tepid sitcoms i think of 'something about raymond'

why does this make me LOL so much?

hahaha

George: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry: Yeah...

haha "in that big sunglasses case"

Two from Frank, both from the same episode:

"As I rained blows upon him, I knew there had to be a better way."

"I gotta lotta problems with you people. And tonight you're gonna hear about it."

Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank: You wanna piece of me? Yoouuuuu got iiiiittttt!!

Jerry: (to George) I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity. Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know, you really need some help, and a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team, a team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talkin about, 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get better.

also biting into a hunk of cheese like it's an apple.

it was an onion!

mandelbaum! mandelbaum! mandelbaum!

Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

^^^^gold

joy boy

and jerry's face throughout the whole spiel

Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right, that's enough.

That Philip Baker Hall speech was the high point of the entire SERIES, practically. (Along with Elaine's frenzied attempt to pack a suitcase and get to the airport in 20 minutes.)

George Costanza: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George Costanza: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this

Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.

George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.

George Costanza: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
Jerry: You walk around with no underwear.
George Costanza: Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry: I do a wash.

haha yes that was a goodun

You and your good-time buddies

I just love that part of the library cop speech, but the whole things dynamite especially with Baker-Halls hand motions.

George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?

Jerry: He's somebody.

George: What about me?

Jerry: You're nobody.

George: Why him? Why not me?

Jerry: He's good, you're not.

George: I'm better than him.

Jerry: You're worse, much much worse.

That first episode (The Engagement) on season 7 is amazing, Jerry's seething reaction to his girlfriend eating peas one at a time is classic.

George dumping his girlfriend because she beat him at chess.

Georges mother on the telephone to george after he's told her about the engagement,

Estelle: Oh, I can't believe it. Frank Come here!
Frank: You come here

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i just noticed in the Wizard episode. When Kramer runs for president at the Florida retirement place a selection of 'spinning' newspaper headlines come up on screen.
If you look in the bottom corner of each newspaper you can see:

"Larry David get hole in one!"
"Larry David hurts elbow"
"Larry David never to play golf again"

aww larry <3

My favourite George moment, when he claims that he could never have sex with a virgin because "it's their first time - they'll remember the first time! I don't want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten!"

heard an absolute belter from George last night

Jerry: "So, maybe they had Chinese food?"
George: "After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun
grenades."

STELLA! STELLA!

Same episode: "You got a lotta nerve takin' that kid's pen!"

JERRY: Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pretend we're talking.

KRAMER: We are talking.

JERRY: Pretend it's interesting.

KRAMER: So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are
still looking for me.

"all laid out like your mothers panties"
been chuckling over this all week

― geoff

I know I'm late to the game on this one but was watching this episode again today and the line is "the panties your mother laid out for you".

and is hilarious.

You'd think a guy as focused on social rules as Jerry would recognize that "don't introduce people's mothers into dirty talk" is definitely one of them.

And that's without even starting on the infantilizing/pedophilic aspect

John Cheever's letter in that episode is funny too:

"Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't know how I shall ever get back to work. I love you madly, John. PS. Love the cabin."

oh and the comparison of the cabin with Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

Jerry: Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish
that attaches himself to the shark.

George: And you're the shark?

Jerry: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.

George: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.

Jerry: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.

George: I want you to have this job. Of course...

Jerry: Yeah?

George: That's it.

Jerry: What do you mean that's it?

George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.

Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said?

George: Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates."

Elaine: "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be

serving time."

Jerry: "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite."

what's the deal with what's the deal with

i love how the "seinfeld isn't funny" jibes on this thread are unfunnier than anything that was ever on seinfeld, viz a viz:

I keep reading this thread title as "Favorite lies from Seinfeld?" and then the tiny devil perched on my left shoulder sez "That he's funny?"

Then I think "Great. That's highly entertaining brain, thanks. You can stop now." lather, rinse, repeat.

― Kim (Kim), Saturday, August 23, 2003 7:52 AM (5 years ago)

George, at Monk's with Jerry: "When are they gonna learn that any news about
China is an instant page-turner?"

"you know why dogs don't have money? no pockets"

on a sidenote...

wale recently released his 'mixtape about nothing,' a hip-hop mixtape with a seinfeld theme. and a cameo from julia louis-dreyfus! it's a free download here: <http://10deep.com/WALEMIXTAPE/>;. and also pretty damn good.

argh.

http://10deep.com/WALEMIXTAPE/

I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck.

ahaha classic episode, elaine rampaging through her bedroom is so great

George, in his apartment with Maura: "And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up. Thank you, and good night."

Maura: "No, George, we're not."

George: "But I proved it!"

Maura: "I refuse to give up on this relationship. It's like launching
missiles from a submarine. Both of use have to turn our keys."

George: "Well, then, I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key."

Maura: "I'm sorry, George, I can't do that."

George: "Turn your key, Maura. Turn your key!"

---------------

Maura, coming in George's apartment: "Hey, Honey."

George: "What? M-Maura, what are you doin' here? I ended this relationship,
twice."

Maura: "George, you didn't mean that. That was just a fight."

George: "Why does it only seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup?"

Maura: "George, I listened to your arguments, and they were rambling and flimsy. I'm not convinced. Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner."

George: "All right."

http://www.lulu.com/items/volume_62/1863000/1863652/1/preview/320_1863652.jpg

sorry hoos

"Whatever happened to 'my what a lovely dress you have on MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE'"

Well generally you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner.

Imagine. Her taking credit for your big salad.

roommates and i str8 up dying @ the big salad ep atm

Caught one of my favorite episodes tonight:
"As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."

Er, NOTHING more. That's what I get for Googling to get the right phrasing and just ctrl-v'ing without reading it first.

..and over there son, is Brooklyn. That's where Spike Lee lives.

"....Mulva?"

OTM.

erry: Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my

best one, I call him...Golden Boy

Elaine: I'm on the phone here.

Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here

touch Golden Boy!

Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.

Jerry: But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly

dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes

the T-shirts such a tragic figure.

Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some

Woolight?

Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays

every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away

from him, you break his spirit!

lol "this t-shirts".

you get the gist.

the entire series, pretty much

I need to start renting Curb Your Enthusiasm DVD sets pronto

the ukraine is weak!

woah. that's a lot of potatoes

Hey could you do me a favour?
What?
Could yer shut up?

Golden Boy was funnier to read than to watch

Seinfeld Scripts

"No, George, I.....am breaking up with you"

"You can't break up with me! I've got hand!"

"And you're gonna need it!"

George: Hey.

Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.

George: I got lost on the way over.

Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.

George: What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.

Jerry: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!

George: No, the Portuguese waitress.

Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?

George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

Katie: George, George, you're on.

George: No, no. I'm not going on.

Jerry: Then what'd you come down here for?

George: To tell you about the Portuguese waitress.

"You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot?"

"The coup de toe."

the funny part is how he says he used it & the joke fell flat

well its all funny parts really

what series is the ones that they make the sitcom called Jerry?

Season 4.

cheers jim.

i knew that straight away because i'm watching season 5 on dvd at the moment and in the box there is the first draft script to "the pilot" "season 4".

just watched the episode "the masseuse":

KRAMER: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing.

Just got through watching all of it. Great stuff. It's not a line, so it may not count, but I love that bit where Jerry comes home and there's this... LASER of red light coming from Kramer's spyhole, and then he opens the door to this hell induced by the huge red neon chicken sign. I did NOT describe that well.

JERRY: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

ELAINE: What do you wanna know?

JERRY: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

the one at the car dealership where george thinks the mechanic stole his twix. the way george's frustration slowly builds until by the end he's virtually a frothing lunatic is perfectly timed and acted.

"IT'S A TWIX! THEY'RE AAAAAAALL TWIX! IT WAS A SETUP! A SETUP, I TELL YA!"

good episode, when he accuses the bloke of having a dollar bill in his wallet

"You're. Incorrect"

Watching the one where Elaine gets bitten by a dog and she attacks Kramer, calling him a "Stupid hipster doofus"!

Kramer turns to George, who is eating pretzels, and asks "May I have one of those, madam" cos he's wearing ladies glasses.

haha that's the one where george turns up wearing swimming goggles, and Jerry says something like "so you're tunneling to the centre of the Earth?"

"Gonna need some water here!!"

"It shrinks?"

"like a frightened turtle!"

when they're trying to find out if the yogurt has fat in or not and jerry gets the results and after kramer asks what the results are and jerry gets right in his face and goes "FAT!"

"Of course! My... cousin... was in a bubble."

the whole pinky toe story is one of my favorites. especially the cracker jack/prize exchange.

Kramer: Yeah, and after the ambulance left I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran!?
Kramer: No I jumped on the bus. I told the driver "I got a toe here buddy, step on it!"
George: Holy cow!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " <Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut> - knocked him out cold!

You kept making the stops??

It's so weird that they made a backwards episode, I saw it and thought it was kind of pointless at the time. Now it seems pretty damn cool.

hahahaha yes xp

I had an idea for a thread inspired by the Dirty Lyrics/Double Entendres you didn't get as a kid, but understand as an adult thread but I'll just put it here:

Seinfeld lines/references that you didn't get as a kid but now understand. I watched the show from a young age and there are often some pretty highbrow/obscure references, but most of the ones I didn't get aren't so highbrow, but rather outdated/NY-based/Jewish stuff that was unknown to me growing up in Northern CA.
Por ejemplo:
The "hair in my farina" traumatic experience that Jerry remembers freaking out about when they're waiting for the babka (Still not sure exactly what a babka is). I remember thinking it was maybe some dirty reference I didn't get, but Farina is like a Cream of Wheat-type breakfast cereal.
I also remember not knowing WTF they were talking about in the Frogger episode-I missed the beginning and I was like "What's a fraga??"

i watched the sponge worthy episode when i was 11, I didn't get it.

and understanding about the pill and condoms it really put my head in a wtf position, where and how did a sponge come in to this?

^otm. forgot about that one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babka

"Not to be confused with vodka"

KRAMER: "You know you really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist."

JERRY: "I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery."

KRAMER: "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength."

funny one where George and Jerry are discussing the term 'Manslaughter' and how it sounds too vicious for it's definition. They try and come up with alternative names and Jerry's was "I can't believe it's not murder"

the whole riff about gay guys and "equipment"

Jerry's women are always smokin'

"Sweet fancy Moses!"

it's amazing that I have probably seen every single episode of Seinfeld but I can't recite a single direct quote from it.

[George's parents having dinner with Susan's parents]

FRANK: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The
rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
GEORGE: Why don't we talk about it another time.
FRANK: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a
chicken. Something's missing!
MRS. ROSS: Something's missing all right.
MR. ROSS: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
FRANK: That's perverse!

[after the nyu story about jerry & george being gay gets picked up by the AP]

jerry: "i've been outed! and i wasn't even in!"

chain-smoking stenographer from staten island

"I'm gonna make people feel my gonorrhea!"

Also from that episode:

"It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!"

Jerry: Hey, Puddy's here
Elaine: My Puddy? But we broke up?
Jerry: And yet he continues to live

From The Little Jerry:

GEORGE (sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.
JERRY: Ah, I'm so sorry.
GEORGE: She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. <Rubs his forehead.> Talking...
JERRY: In other words, a normal relationship.
GEORGE: And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.
JERRY: Well, she'll still be an ex-con.
GEORGE: It's not the same.
JERRY: Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something.

I just wrote this on the 'king of research' thread:

Hey here's the final question.

In the film 'City Slickers', there's a guy who looks like Newman (from Seinfeld)

What's the episode where he's in Seinfeld and light is made of his resemblance to Newman?

― ambience chaser (S-), Friday, 19 June 2009 14:46 (4 days ago) Permalink

"The Big Salad"

― Bianca Jagger (jaymc), Friday, 19 June 2009 14:54 (4 days ago)

and JAYMC IS WRONG!

Can anybody help me?

label maker?

a total guess btw, just because newman features in it as one of the other superbowl ticket holders.

nah, watched that recently also. Perhaps it never occurred? Is there any episode with a Newman lookalike?

i must admit, i've watched Seinfeld so many times and don't recall anything on this. There's bizarro jerry episode with the bizarro newman.

what's the guys name in city slicker anyway ?

also, there's the Bottle Deposit episode where Newman finds himself at the farm house. When he leaves the woman shouts out "i love you Norman"

wasn't there an animal called Norman in City Slickers

Yeah I know, reeeeach.

celebrate the Neumanium!

You can watch most of the show here: http://tv.blinkx.com/show/seinfeld/gJRwRbfED2DPE4RN and it is indeed a wild ride!

The one where Kramer is a communist Santa Claus is a very funny episode with a feel-good ending.

this is bizarro Newman: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0489052/

have no idea who from City Slickers looked like Newman...thought maybe one of the Ben & Jerry-type characters but neither of them were on Seinfeld.

Josh Mostel

it's like the hundredth time i've caught this episode (or parts of it) and it was the first time i noticed that during the final bit, when the bizarro men, kevin, gene, and feldman are having a group hug, kevin says "me so happy, me could cry." like bizarro superman!

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Friday, December 23, 2005 12:51 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol i just came here to post "me so happy, me want to cry." that line always gets stuck in my head.

What's weird is that these lines, when I read them, all sound pretty funny, but when I actually watch the show I don't laugh.

Seinfeld lines/references that you didn't get as a kid but now understand. I watched the show from a young age and there are often some pretty highbrow/obscure references, but most of the ones I didn't get aren't so highbrow, but rather outdated/NY-based/Jewish stuff that was unknown to me growing up in Northern CA...

― DJ Mr. Face Stabba, M.D. (Whitey on the Moon), Thursday, May 14, 2009 5:19 PM (3 months ago)

In the episode where George doesn't want to give susan his atm code, first off I had never heard of BOSCO but they explained it. But more importantly, what kind of a bank card has words insted of a 4 digit pin?

*passwords that is

"The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. His name was Costanza. He killed my mother."

George, George, this is a little bit too much for me, escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on.

Just the way Robert Wagner says "Hey Kramer" when he passes him at Mickey's wedding (the anti-dentite episode). I have no idea why. If the laugh track's legitimate, it seems to have cracked up the audience, too.

"all i want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired."

one of my favourite observations from Seinfeld was his office colleagues greetings bit, and how after you've greeted the same person several times in one day you're eventually running out of ways of saying hello, so you end up greeting them with funny nicknames.

It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife, the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sunup. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted chambray nightshirts.

GEORGE: I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?

ELAINE: Of course.

JERRY: Really?

GEORGE: You faked?

ELAINE: On occasion.

JERRY: And the guy never knows?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: How can he not know that?

ELAINE: Because I was gooood.

JERRY: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.

(Jerry and George laugh)

ELAINE: You didn't know.

^^^ last one is the single best line reading on the show

"The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony!"

Well let's start the insanity.

"Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?"
"Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later."
"Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
"Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
"No."
"Well, now you know how I feel."

lol @ tmi long distance!

"I think that milk's gone bad"
"I don't care."

[Kramer and Jerry discussing whether their accountant is using drugs]

Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.
Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?
Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'.
Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say "I'm splittin' "?
Jerry: No, but at one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer [freaks out]: Whoh!

It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife, the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sunup. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted chambray nightshirts.

♥

George trying to be funny:
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the
day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."

lol

"And it's called the World Wide Web, you can email anybody!"
"What are you a scientist?"

"so attractive one day, not attractive the next?"
"yeah, have you come across this?"
"I'm familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face"
"Like the batman villain?"
"If that helps you"

"Stop crying and fight yer father"

Jerry: No, but at one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer [freaks out]: Whoh!

newman: SOUTH AMERICA? what kind of snowblower'd you get us mixed up with?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oz0jkktVfJ8

Man: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

George: Yeah. No problem.

Jerry: Let's go.

George: Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.

Jerry: For how long?

George: I'm sure he'll be back in a second.

Jerry: Come on.

George: Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

Man 2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?

Jerry starts to leave.

George: Where are you going?

Jerry: I'm going to be this guy's friend.

ojo otm

starting at about 1:30 in, once jerry gets off the phone (it's the "he took it out" bit)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f57YDEsyNSc

"oh it be..." love that scene

tippytoe

I was handcuffed to the bed, in my underwear, where I remained... She certainly seemed interested in me and though she was attractive, she was also in fact, a Nazi... The water I had been swimming in was very cold, and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage... Her parents were looking at me. So there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.

In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you.

Oh, also: my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again.

The whole scene with Jerry in the confession booth, which unfortunately i couldn't find full on YT sorry.
And the end part with George appearing through the curtain

"That what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?"

xp - that's one of my favorite scenes, particularly the part with George where he says something like "I had a feeling you'd be here"

I always had a soft spot for "The Library", especially everything that Lt. Bookman says:

"Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again."

George just appears through the confession booth curtain and asks jerry a random question. It was a follow on gag from a previous scene in the same episode where George just randomly appears whilst Jerry is sat in the dentist chair.

personally I loved when the show started getting all weird and meta

The whole scene where George and Jerry "meet" each other after x number of years, so George can confirm that Jerry didn't get a head start in The
Big Race. Their whole exchange, from Jerry pretending not to recognize George, to their jabs at each other ("Boy, you really went bald there," "Do you do a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' stuff?") kills me.

Yeah that whole scene is gold

GEORGE: Oh, the big race.

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: Yes, yes,.

LOIS: You were there?

GEORGE: Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher.

DUNCAN: Miss Stafford?

GEORGE: Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .

JERRY: George!

GEORGE: But I digress.

also pretty much everything Jackie Childs says is gold. pretty incredible how many great secondary and one-shot characters this show had.

yeah, i always loved the 'guy who loved the Desperado song' who elaine went out with. His strange attitude to Jerry in every scene was priceless, always thinking jerry was poor, and talking about Carl Farlman the furniture designer.

And then he meets jerry in the pissing rain, the guy is driving an expensive sports car and jerry has no umbrella and all his cheques for 12 cents are ruined by the rain.

"I'd give you lift, but I've got Carl Farlman with me"
"Thanks for stopping"

hahaha and i just remembered the scene straight after that

"he said you ran away from his like he was the boogedy man"
"i'm pretty sure its boogey man"

Just saw one with Puddy/Putty in it--the way he stares off into space, a man with absolutely no inner life, is really funny

And when Kramer has an intern, and gets hauled in by the intern's manager:

"As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise consists of a solitary man in a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken."

Did Seinfeld invent "C/D?"

Also, this makes me laugh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKoq6ZdRxJc

haha James, i watched that one last night too.

"so you're just gonna sit there, staring at the back of that chair?"
"yeah that's right"

"The Fix-up" was on last night, love the part where George is asking Jerry increasingly weird questions about this girl - "does she have a good cheek? I need a good cheek..."

i love jerry's responses in that scene. "good cheek. very nice cheek." or w/e

"Really very good and nice."

^^^^^^yessssssss

OTM

George: "Is she smart? Is she smarter than me? I don't want her to be smarter than me"
Jerry: "How could she be swarter than you"

smarter

it's notable that Jerry made a joke about her bulimia, and George kinda brushed it off, when we already know from a later episode that George is totally not okay with that.

Pipe down chorus boy.

and not a line but this will never not be hysterical

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg-TqEFYcfM

My two science classes were working on a handout today about the proper names for various kinds of life scientists. Marine biologist was on there, so we took a little 45-second detour as I described George and that woman walking along the beach.

i have a bad feeling whenever a lesbian look at me they think "that's why i'm not a heterosexual"

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/06/dingo-really-did-eat-the-baby-australia.html

IT'S JUST ORIGINAL, JERRY

"Jiffy Dump" haha

Is this a joke?!

That's what I like to know about it.

During hockey season I probably said "gotta support yr team" ala Puddy 50 times

I used the phrase "hot and heavy" last week and immediately flashed back to the entire "hot and heavy" plot with Elaine and the jazz musician.

I know my alleys

"Jerry, this is Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here, George is dead, call me back."

kramer: you let out one emotion, all the rest will come out with it. it's like endora's box!
jerry: that was the mother on "bewitched." you mean "pandora."
kramer: yeah, well...she had one, too.

xp from the same episode, when steinbrenner is telling the constanzas about george's death... frank is silent throughout until he let's loose with:

"What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you don't know what the hell you're doin'!!"

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right!"

GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET

Mr. Snrub's line probably in my Top 5.

new noise's might be my number 1 moment for the entire show, though the line itself isn't that funny - it's all based on the context, and Jerry Stiller's delivery too. Even in the laugh track you can hear someone absolutely losing it for that joke

yes exactly!

"You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?"
"Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there."
"This food was in the shower with you?"
"Mm-hmm. I prepared it as I bathed."

"It's not a lie if you believe it"

How funny, Bateau, I came here to post the exact same quote

"You know we've LIVING in a SOCIETY!"

GEORGE: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
JERRY: And you misinterpret this how?

"Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper hasvnot changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really, what else can they do?"

“you find this fascinating, don’t you?”

I think my #1 is from Susan, not one of the principals: "Yeah, give me the papers--I'll sign 'em."

Haha her delivery on that was great

Elaine: Can’t you see what’s happened? I’ve become George!
Jerry: Don’t say that!
Elaine: It’s true.. I’m George.. GEORGE!

George, from "The Conversion": "This is the only woman I've never lied to...well, that's not entirely true."

"Who told you to put the balm on?"

George at his therapist’s office:

GEORGE: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?

DANA: That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.

GEORGE: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.

DANA: I thought you didn't believe in God?

GEORGE: I do for the bad things.

All right! But hear me, and hear me well! The day will come! Oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld! Your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little playworld and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

If you’re one of us… you’ll take a bite.

Elaine: So, because of a few bad seeds, you're going to impugn an entire continent?

Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

“elaine, i could see not saying hello. she’s very, what’s the word, supercilious. but HOW COULD JERRY NOT SAY HELLO?”

Jerry and George discussing the word ‘barometer’.
Kramer: “It’s pronounced thermometer.”

“I believe that’s what you do with garbage, you idiot”

(Bill Erman as old man Jerry was visiting)

Erwin

George: I was spottin' those raccoons!

No one can tell you what a balm's gonna do. They are unpredictable!