Craigslist hilarity

-------

=0 - HELP!!!!!!!!

So, hello..my name's Art. I'm in a bit of a spot here..I'm writing you from NYC. I moved here last Nov. to be with my girlfriend and well, the happened and now I'm moving back--which is very okay cause NY really really doesn't have the good flavor that the Bay Area does.

so i know it's really difficult and I've got a long shot in hell being that I'm way the hell out here and I can't use my charm on you, but...here's my situation: I will be in SF by or around the 13th of May (driving across)...I do have a few friends and a brother in town that I can call on in a last-ditch situation, but the quicker the better...I'm a trance dj originally based out of Santa Cruz and have lived in the Bay Area off and on for a while. It looks like i needed to move out here to really realize what i was missing. Um, I do not have a bunch of cash (maybe shouldn't tell you that..) but I am very responsible once I get cemented, I'm really really cool :] and I won't give you shit for being you. I'll be 29 in June, but my spirit's on a whole different timeline which means I don't take life too seriously and I do take it very seriously, if that makes sense to you.

I have opened back up connections with previous employers and have a few good options regarding getting work right away. Basically put, I can't offer you many of the prerequisite factors of a new rommate (butt load of cash for move-in costs, stability, etc...). What I can garauntee is a kick-ass roommate that does maintain all known factors (unless you're freaky in some way) of what a good roommate situation is.

Another possible situation is this: my best friend Robert (another dj) was originally going to meet me out here (he's in Fresno *gasp* now saving money) until NY proved to be only a shadow of what SF is and is now working his way to meet me in SF on June 1st. He also is as copecetic as me, both being very mellow guys, fun, sincere, very aware and reflective, responsible, and respectful. He, however has been planning for this for a while and does fulfill those other aspects of the new roommate equation (he got money) and we've left open the option of the plausibilty of sharing a room (-both of us are single [now]...he's bi and intermitent / I am very not interested for a long while). Basically, both of us are moving to SF (..were going to do this in NY) to bring to light our musical (and spiritual) culminations, both producing and performing within the underground scene starting with our first event June 30th in San Leandro. We are both from in and around the area and are very poised to bring very special events into being throughout the area (--if you're having 2nd thoughts with having djs in your home, let's get back to that "respectful" aspect...we understand and will work with you).

Third scenario (a short one): I am not financially all too stable right now/ Robert is..if I don't look good and both of us together can't work, please consider him for the room..he is really one of the absolute sweetest guys I've ever met (a humanic anomoly when compared to the general type of population). He has the money, a job, and I know you'll like him.

Well, that's our lot. If you've made it this far, either my writing's gotten better or you actually think we're cool.

ps..there is a picture of both of us attached. I'm on the left, he's on the top, the guy in the middle's Steve --he's the Knome king from Santa Cruz

so, I hope you're mulling this over in your head or at least thought it was interesting. Please contact either of us if there's a possibility with you or if you might know of someone else who's looking for roommates or if you (or someone else) has a closet or living room or garage or basement/washroom that shouldn't be housing someone but it would help your rent, we like that stuff...

Anywhichway, hope to hear from you of course but if not, i sincerely hope you're having fun here on Earth and try to remember what's it's really all about sometimes...

love, light, and walkabout-thinking

Art (djseek) spaceshipgaiacollective ++ theChiaroscuroProject__

Best of Craigslist

I mean, you just don't even want this kind of person in your general or even virtual vicinity, right?

Spencer (djseek) spaceshipgaiacollective ++ theChiaroscuroProject__

The contraction of 'you are' is 'you're,' not 'your.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-4129636@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Jun 3 10:12:13 2002

You're not trying to "peak" interest, you're trying to "pique" interest.

You're probably not looking for a "discrete" relationship, you philandering buttwipe, because you don't know what "discrete" means. You're looking for a "discreet" relationship.

One female human is a "woman," not a "women."

People who make these errors should not be having sex.

ROFFLE

Sounds like an ILXor at work here...

re: If I look 33 and feel 25, does it make me 29? ;) - 29 - 19
Reply to: anon-99741924@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-24, 6:20PM EDT

I am a guy!!!! To answer the headline question:
If I look 33 and feel 25, does it make me 29?
This question brings up many thoughts to this obviously bored individuals need for entertainment. So let’s begin shall we?

Ok it appears as though we have a syllogism here

If I look 33
and feel 25
does it make me 29?

So let’s take this argument and dissect its intent

If I look 33
And feel 25
Am I 29?

I think you see where I am going here as you probably realize that you cannot be 29 based on just feeling and looking an age. In fact, Age is based on a time construct created by man based on earthly rotation and revolutions around the sun. One ages in years based on these revolutions around the sun. So let’s take the argument again.

IF I look as though I have revolved around the sun 33 times
And feel as though I have only revolved 25 times
Did I revolve 29 times?

Now this argument is leaking worse then an Army engineered levee.

Conclusions, There is no possible way you can be 29 years old based on this argument.

Thanks for humoring me.
Oh I am 41, look 33, but feel 5, does that make me 19?

* this is in or around maybe

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/w4m/99741924.html

--------
Teach New Yorkers how to COOK!!!
Reply to: anon-100499675@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-28, 10:00AM EDT

Volunteer Positions in FoodChange’s Vegetable of the Month Club program

Community based nutrition education - Teach New Yorkers to enjoy cooking fresh vegetables in season

We invite culinary and nutrition education students and professionals and food enthusiasts in general to become VOM Volunteer Leaders and assist trained instructors in hands-on cooking based nutrition education workshops in New York City neighborhood organizations. Volunteers will be assigned to the same site every month. Sites may include food pantries, WIC agencies, public schools, senior centers, teen programs, community centers, parenting skill programs etc. and are located in all five boroughs.

Volunteers will:
1. Participate in a preliminary 4 hour volunteer training
2. Volunteer 2-3 hours each month in an assigned community based organization for a minimum of six months.
3. Assist workshop leaders in delivering the VOM™ workshops in a variety of capacities. Possible volunteer duties may include any of the following tasks:
 Collaborate with the workshop leader in planning the workshop
 Assist in presenting the workshop
 Evaluate and document VOM™ lessons and activities
 Support the teaching and reinforcement of food safety techniques
 Participate in VOM™ food shopping
 Assist in guided field trips
 Provide educational input and ideas for workshop participants
 Plan, oversee, and take part in integrated VOM™ activities
4. Maintain confidentiality of all workshop participants and agency clients in keeping with individual VOM™ agency rules. All volunteers are expected to maintain the highest standards of conduct and personal integrity when volunteering with agencies collaborating with the Vegetable of the Month Club™ and FoodChange.
5. FoodChange will provide free training, an opportunity to teach cooking skills, networking opportunity, community work, 3hrs/month or more volunteer experience, school credit.
6. If interested, please contact Jennifer Prissel at 212-894-8070 or jprissel@foodchange.org.

* this is in or around All boroughs...
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

100499675

The Learning Annex needs rock n' roll closers for its seasonal outbound marketing campaign.

Sell tickets!
Make CRAZY Commissions ($100-$200 PER DAY)!
Get excited by our dynamic environment!
WEEKLY TOP SELLER GETS $500 BONUS!!!!

EMAIL YOUR RESUME OR STOP BY

The Learning Annex
48 West 37th Street, 7th floor
Between 5th and 6th ave.
WALK IN INTERVIEWS MON - FRIDAY 1-3 PM

We're moving fast so get on board before all our slots fill up. BE PREPARED TO START IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

* no -- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* no -- Please, no phone calls about this job!
* no -- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
* no -- Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

101099142

Reply to: pers-345974✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-06-06, 4:24AM EDT

Dear Catherine-

When I offered to buy you a drink, I was only being polite. I'm not that into you. Frankly I was surprised when you accepted, since you had a half full glass in your hands.

So where did you go? What the fuck am I supposed to do with a glass of Bud Light? I don't drink that shit beer.

You suck.

Location: lexington
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

p.s. I love you

uh..

http://greenville.craigslist.org/mis/340111857.html

seeking any woman with a garage - 33

Reply to: pers-386221✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-31, 1:09PM HST

I recently ended a relationship with a wonderful woman, we just were not meant for each other. I am seeking a new relationship with a woman with a nice garage. The garage does not have to be enclosed, but must have plenty of lockable storage. A workbench would be nice with good lighting too. I live in town, so the garage would need to be located near UH. The girl will need to have a sense of humor to be able to put with my odd sense of humor. I am open to any race, ages 22-45, perfer thin to average, and physical beauty, but less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

To alleviate your curiosity, I will now describe myself. White, male, 33, 5'10", exercise regularly, modestly attractive, fun to be around.

I thought i would give CL a try since I keep meeting women who live in condos. Mahalo for reading my listing.

less attractive women need to make up for it in "garage".

Awesome.

Is "nice garage" a euphemism.

nice workbench

i like to think of this as the guy's idea of "the full spectrum of acceptable garages":

http://images.craigslist.org/010101010208010409200707314e3c5586fa4a68109e00b09e.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/010112010212010402200707312cece8a6d5f5a53014007289.jpg http://images.craigslist.org/01010201020501040620070731099eed4228d98562640051b5.jpg

what is that minimalist faggotry on the right

Frank Lloyd Wrights shed?

how hot would you have to be if that were your garage?

The small/low res image makes it look like an idea someone had for leftover fiberboard and 2x4s.

man that first garage is making me hard.

Greetings,

Our apartment building has been a veritable revolving door over the past few months (thanks in part due to the excessively permissive flexible leasing system instituted by our notoriously spaced-out landlord) and our apartment has been no exception. Our current roommate, a nice beefy self-proclaimed hillbilly from the Twin Cities and a die-hard Cubs fan to boot (which naturally fueled malicious little one-liners from my former naturalized Southsider tendencies) is moving in with his long-standing girlfriend (who, mercifully, is a die-hard White Sox fan) following the dictates of Cupid which thankfully won over a frankly trivial raging century-old intra-city rivalry.

Of course, considering the fact that White Sox won the big one in 2005 while the Cubs have been . . . .

Never mind. Cubs fans know the facts very well while Sox fans would have used arguments along similar lines several, several times in the past, particularly in the wake of the Sox' misfortunes this season.

(Hmm. This is worrisome. I'm a Southsider purely by academic vocation only and don't really know baseball that well. Yet I talk the talk. I'll confess to not being wholly capable of walking the walk)

However, back to the main intentions of this post. The apartment is a spacious unit with three bedrooms, a basement, two bathrooms, a large backyard, a large kitchen and a living room area. The apartment is situated around 5 blocks away from the Six Corners and is on North Avenue.

The dramatis personae who currently inhabit this financially serendipitous piece of real estate are currently three in number.

One is a nice little 24-year-old blonde girl from Iowa who used to attend Columbia College and now intends to pursue academic interests in forensics (which I shall maintain to my dying day is the result of too much CSI). She has a big scaredy-cat of a dog who is probably one of the frendliest mutts for blocks around. Nobody who has crossed this threshold (save the landlord, strangely enough) has ever been greeted by anything other than a vigorous wag of the tail and a friendly "smile" on his face, as the little blonde girl puts it. Do not mess with the little blonde girl. She might be tiny and almost always alternate between sleepy and sweet. But, be warned, she listens to Rancid and Drop Kick Murphys, is tattooed (well, ONE tattoo) and will mess you up in extremely diabolical ways if you feel the need to be a jerkwad.

The second character is the aforementioned dog. He's neutered and he knows it. He will also fetch you one of his toys (once he gets to know you better), hold it tantalizingly just beyond your grasp and then run at top-speed into the little blonde girl's room where he shall energetically chew it every time he espies you after this baiting incident. You have been warned. DO NOT FALL PREY TO HIS TEMPTATIONS. BRING YOUR OWN TOYS TO CHEW ON.

The third character (and almost certianly the most minor in the roll) is a 23-year-old boy from a magical land far, far away. He's an aspiring economist, a wannabe investment banker, a graduate student at a smarty-pantsy university in town and purveyor of all good things literary, culinary, cinematic and musical. He's a vegetarian, usually smarter than a doorknob, frequently complimented by mothers of winsome young lasses to be a good-looking boy, easy-going enough to be a pushover without being a punching bag and is currently struggling with a newfound discovery that he has inexplicably and unprecedentedly become very, very shy around girls. He has no explanations or deductions about this. Applications for, ahem, things OTHER than the room in the apartment will be gladly accepted and be duly processed expeditiously by the boy. Since he's single, he will PERSONALLY give you big, BIG bonus points if the prospective applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends. His mannerisms are often British (though he's not), smart and world-wise and will insist that certain words must necessarily be written a certain way, Microsoft Word US Edition be damned.

This boy is currently the writer of this post.

Still with us? Good. Well, qualifications for prospective applicants are:

1. Pretty please with a cherry on top be in our age range (which would approximately be around 20 - 26 years of age in human years). This means that people who whistle and wittle twigs into fanciful representations of Lyndon B. Johnson as they "remember" him or people who need fake IDs to get into bars and clubs and still have the smell of high school lockers on them would be politely spoken to and firmly refused any further consideration.

2. Pretty please be clean, hygenically repronsible, a frequent washer of one's own plates and cutlery, financially responsible and suitably well-rounded and tolerant. We occasionally watch soap operas for the hot chicks (well, the boy does) but we would prefer it if we don't end up in one with a significantly less attractive and less wealthy cast of characters (once again, this is all from the boy).

3. It is generally preferable if you are the owner of a bed for your room (and a big point in your favour if you are the owner of a television and a stereo, adds the boy, so that he can play acid jazz and soothing lounge music on the stereo and watch fanciful foreign films with bad subtitles on the other).

4. The little blonde girl has said that she will be more open to female roommates than she was before. So, the little blonde girl has one bonus point for you if you're a non-bitchy female. The boy is unconcerned about the gender of the applicant as long as the applicant has hot, fun-loving and flexible FEMALE friends.

5. Bonus points if you're a student and are still financially stable. Double bonus points if you know and appreciate the arts, cinema and music in particular. Triple bonus points if you have a sense of humour.

This advertisement is being published a WHOLE MONTH IN ADVANCE (the place will be available by September 2007) because the last time we ran an advertisement on Craigslist, we were swamped by over a hundred applications, which we assume would be due to:

a. The conducive location of the apartment. The apartment is in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city peopled by many interesting people and is strategically located close to grocery stores, convenience stores, Blue Line stations and bus stops.

b. The ridiculous cheapness of the place (considering the neighborhood) without the inhabitants being similarly so. The landlord of the place is accomodating, friendly, slightly mad and very flexible with the lease. A security deposit of $400 would be required and all utilities will be shared.

However, unlike last time, no telephone numbers would be provided here for you to call. A correspondence with detailed information about the applicant is deemed absolutely necessary (please take note of the amount of detail WE are providing you about us. Appreciate that and reciprocate. This would be one basic quality we are looking for in our prospective roommate), appointments will be booked (and hopefully maintained), viewings will be scheduled and finally, a telephone number will be provided just so that you don't get lost while looking for the place.

A decision will be made in consultation with the landlord (WHO WILL NOT BE MEETING YOU) and you shall be informed via email about the decision. If you're selected, you will receive information as to whether you could move in any time earlier than September (which is entirely possible, thanks to the urgency that Cupid inspires in young people) and any other relevant updates that you should know.

Peace out, ladies and laddies.

i'm probably still gonna email them

I wish he would try harder to sound smart.

i'm just telling myself that a lot of my good friends and i assume i myself sound pretty annoying on livejournal. pretty sure there are a couple study abroad u's up in that novel though ugh

enjoy living with ian riese-moraine.

lololololololol

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/188591432.html

stop hogging all the AC bitch

a newfound discovery that he has inexplicably and unprecedentedly become very, very shy around girls is totally gay.

otm

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/386248666.html

new york craigslist > manhattan > men seeking women
Harry Potter Party - (Single guys and girls more then welcome) - 29 (Midtown West)
Reply to: pers-386248✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-31, 4:09PM EDT

Hi everyone. My girlfriend and I are having a costume themed Harry Potter party this Saturday at our apartment in Matthatan. The party begins at 6pm and lasts till it ends....

Please dress as a character from the Harry Potter book series. There shall be awards given out at the end of the night.

Please bring $5 dollars per person to cover our expenses for drinks and food - of which there will be an endless supply!

If the weather is nice we will hopefully take the party up to our roof deck!

Alot of our single guy and girlfriends will be attending...

Thank you and please email us for address and other details.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/383737657.html

Indie rocker looking for love - 21 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: pers-383737✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-28, 12:08AM EDT

I'm 5'10", 164lbs, and so obsessed with Harry Potter that I sincerely wish I attended Hogwarts. I play guitar and sing lead in a prominent nyc band. I'm an acting major at college in NYC. I enjoy drinking (in moderation), smoking, hiking, biking, walking around, getting lost, swimming, singing, writing, acting and listening to a lot of music. If you feel any need to contact me, just write a bit about yourself with a picture. Mine will follow.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/383433985.html

Just Finished Harry Potter - 26 (Upper West Side)
Reply to: pers-383433✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-27, 4:11PM EDT

Now I'm sad...anyone else?

lol at this guy:

Horny goodlooking masculine bi Italian male 23/6/160 with a big dick looking to swap loaded condoms with similar young guys. I've got a fetish for eating big loads out of condoms. I'm super healthy and shoot big nuts. You be too. If you want my thick load in a condom, get at me. We can swap cum by mail.

parmesan

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/muc/393282746.html

You must also pay me and feed me as well if we have rehearsals. I learn fast so you will get the most out of your money and food.

For Gigs I expect more compensation and two dinners. (I love any kind of fast food, but most is ok. No Pork, I get the runs) I am good and worth my weight in gold.

TWO DINNERS

He must be pretty fucking amazing if he eats two dinners a night and is still worth his weight in gold.

Amazing?? He rocks the "hissousee"!!

I'm 5'10", 164lbs, and so obsessed with Harry Potter that I sincerely wish I attended Hogwarts. I play guitar and sing lead in a prominent nyc band. I'm an acting major at college in NYC. I enjoy drinking (in moderation), smoking, hiking, biking, walking around, getting lost, swimming, singing, writing, acting and listening to a lot of music. If you feel any need to contact me, just write a bit about yourself with a picture. Mine will follow.

any guesses as to what "prominent nyc band" this guy plays in?

harry & the potters

8x8x16 Cement Block - $1
Reply to: sale-395453✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-12, 6:24PM EDT

I have approximately 275 to 300 cinder blocks for sale. They are standard 8"x8"x16". They cost about $1.75 plus delivery fees if you buy them somewhere else. I'm asking $1.00 per block.

You pick them up and move them yourself.

Please don't waste my fucking time with endless emails. These are plain old cinderblocks, for fuck sake. You don't need to do an engineering study on the feasibility of using these fucking things as building material. That's what they're for, you fucking idiots. Now listen, we're all busy people here. You want the blocks? Come get the fucking blocks and give me one dollar for every block you take. How fucking hard is that? You don't have to tell me what you're building. I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in helping you build it either. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. I just want to get these fucking things off my property. So if you want them, get the fuck over here with some money and take them. The next fucking moron that emails me with "I'm building a blah blah blah, and was wondering if..." The answer is NO. Come get the fucking blocks and build it yourself. If I knew how to do masonry, don't you think I'd be using the blocks myself instead of selling them for half fucking price? What the fuck is wrong with you people? The next one of you fucking jackasses that emails me with some sob-story bullshit is getting his email address added to the North American Man/Boy Love Association mailing list.

You want the blocks? Come get the blocks, and don't fuck with me!

Jeez, was that written by Lyle from Achewood?

FREE - Batman Car FLOAT
Reply to: sale-382294✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-07-26, 8:22AM CDT

We have this Batman car float - please see pictures - that we've used in the Maryville homecoming parade. I would hate to destroy it - it took forever to make. If you can use it - maybe in a parade or just to let your kids play on it please come by and take it. It's built on a 4x8 plywood base and the overall dimensions are approximately 5x9.

It's in the driveway at:
824 Cedar Valley Dr.
Maryville, IL 62062

I would recommend typing our address in Google for directions. If you have any questions please call me at 618-304-0907.
Thanks!

http://images.craigslist.org/01030001040801040220070726fa8eb32ad4f4d1c3dc00417d.jpghttp://images.craigslist.org/01030201041101041020070726b367a28ec0e9779db000d35f.jpg

I am going to get the shit out of that Batman car float.

And then what, once it's poop-free?

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/sys/404687992.html

+++IS YOUR COMPUTOR ACTING BAD?+++
Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-08-23, 11:36PM PDT

SAVE money, don't toss or replace it, bring it to me.

I clean viruses, trojans, spyware, etc, and restore your computor to its optimum ability.

I can UPGRADE your box to maximize its performance AND RELIABILITY.

The vast majority of computors also have HUNDREDS of REGISTRY ERRORS which slow the boot and other processes. I correct these errors.

They also often have lots of "cookies", and/or various "spyware", and/or "adware", etc. which also serve to slow your box down CONSIDERABLY. I REMOVE these,

and if you wish, I WILL SHOW YOU HOW YOU can KEEP IT UP AND RUNNING RIGHT!

All you need to do is call me at 360-719-3523 (Vancouver) and if you have to leave a message, I'll get back to you A.S.A.P. As I'm pretty busy, I can't always come to the phone, but if you'll say your name and your phone number (CLEARLY and TWICE so I don't have to REPLAY it), I promise you I'll return your call. Give me a time frame and HOW LATE I can call you as I will call as late as Midnight if you wish.

NO, I DON'T charge for a quick "look-see" and recommendation.
NO, I probably can't diagnose over the phone. I simply do not have the time.
NO, I DON'T charge by the hour (I'm HONEST) and most often the bill is $50 or less for labor.
AND, you can save even more by supplying any needed parts yourself if you wish.
Just CALL me at 360-719-3523 and SAVE some CASH and your COMPUTOR.
Thanks for looking!
Jim

And, to the jackass(ES) who keeps "flagging" this ad, Please, GROW a pair.

Little "man", I know what you're doing and how you're doing it. NO ad can get flagged in less than 20 minutes without the assistance of a computor and I wonder how Craig and the others will like it when they find out they have had their system played with and manipulated by you. I feel sorry for the likes of you who have NOTHING better to do than sit at a computor and continually harass and make misery for others.

You are interefering with, disrupting and gernerally causing undue harm to peoples lives and I believe there is a special place in HELL for you and your kind.

GET the DECENCY and GUTS to Call ME and arrange a mutually agreeable time to meet and for me to rearrange your attitude. You have my number THREE times above. It's too bad you haven't attained a level of common courtesy. If the HONEST way I do business (I tell the truth and give people their options) offends you, you have Rights. Among these is the Right to LEAVE and go elsewhere. PLEASE, PLEASE EXERCISE that Right. Perhaps the French would allow you to infect their country. WE don't need your type in America. Since my favorite color isn't blue, I'm not holding my breath waiting for your ineffectual call, or feeble attempt to justify yourself and/or your actions.

I'm tired of your crap. I've contacted a buddy of mine who works for the feds. I believe he can nail you for violations of the ANTI-TERRORISM bill signed by clinton AND the current Patriot Act.

AND, ANYONE else who has been harassed by this simpleton and/or had their ads improperly "flagged" PLEASE feel free to contact me with the particulars. If we work together, perhaps we can remove this unmitigated ass to the federal pen for about 25 to life.
My # is here three times. CALL ME.

Location: 360-719-3523
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 404687992

Are you dead? - m4w
Reply to: pers-411971✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-09-01, 11:12PM HST

Hi, this is going to sound nuts to most ppl,
but I have recently come to the conclusion that
I am not actually alive and that I died some time ago.
I am looking for other ppl who have realized that they are dead.
If you wanna chill, drink, and laugh at all the people
who think they are still alive, then hit me up.

http://images.craigslist.org/01010001040001030520070902cef3ee2f53609528d400fb3e.jpg

I know it's rare nowadays but is there any Bearded-Lady out there ?? - m4w
Reply to: pers-408520✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-08-28, 2:32PM HST

Enthralled as I always was with the Circus, especially the attraction of the Bearded Lady, I am looking for such a lady here on Oahu. Let me emphasize that her beard must Not be a fake wig but a REAL beard. Am anticipating your e-mail.

http://honolulu.craigslist.org/oah/stp/408520074.html

Grady that you?

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/msg/434412683.html

The "things wanted" list is the gold here.

CARTON OF MARLBORO 100 CIGARETTES (the red ones)(must be new)

DVD shows - must be complete series
1) Mannix (complete series)
2) Magnum P I (complete series)
3) Baretta (complete series)
4) Hart to Hart (complete series)
5) Branded with Chuck Connors (complete series)
6) McMillan and Wife (complete series)
7) Life of Riley with Bendix (complete series)
8) Loretta Young Show (complete series)
9) My Secretary (complete series)
10) Bachelor Father (complete series)
11) My Little Margie (complete series)
12) Hazel (complete series
13) Police Woman (complete series with Angie Dickenson)
14) Topper (complete series)
15) December Bride (complete series)
16) Love That Bob (complete series)
17) I Married Joan (compete series)

PENS WITH ASSORTED INK COLORS - RED, BLUE, GREEN, BLACK, PURPLE, AND PINK OR OTHER COLORED INKS (MUST BE NEW)

COMPUTOR INK FOR HP DESKJET 9650 PRINTER - INK # 55,56,57 (MUST BE NEW)

VILEDA MOP HEADS (MUST BE NEW)

VHS 8-HOUR BLANK TAPES - EXTRA HIGH GRADE FOR THE BEST QUALITY PICTURE AND SOUND(MUST BE NEW)

JVC TAPE CASETTES FOR A DIGITAL JVC CAMERA (must be new)

RECHARGEABLE AA BATTERYS NICKEL-METAL HYDRIDE 4- IN PACKAGE (must be new)

TIDE THE BIG ONE (must be new)

AMMONIA BIG ONES (must be new)

LILAC BODY SPRAY (must be new)

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY (must be new)

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

PRELL SHAMPOO BIG BOTTLE (must be new)

SOS PADS BIG BOX (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

NAIL POLISH REMOVER (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPERS OR BLADES FOR A VAN (must be new)

SNOWCONE FACTORY MACHINE (must be new)

SALT FOR THE SNOW BIG BAG - REGULAR SALT (must be new)

HAMMS SCENERAMA MOTION BEER SIGN WITH THE CAMPFIRE AND WATERFALLS

HONDA 305 CC DREAM MOTORCYCLE

1955-56-57-58 CHEVY CONVERTIBLE, 2-DOOR SPORT COUPE, OR 2 DOOR SEDAN

ANTI-FREEZE FOR A VAN OR TRUCK BIG ONES (must be new)

OIL FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

TRANSMISSION FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

WINDSHIELD WIPER FLUID FOR A VAN OR TRUCK (must be new)

SNOW STICK/SCRAPERS WITH THE BRUSH ON IT (must be new and long ones)

LEMONADE OR KOOL-ADE IN THE CANS - the big ones (must be new ones)

SNOW TIRES FOR MY VAN - (MUST BE NEW)

genius taste in television programs, at any rate

BIG TUBES OF BENGAY (must be new)

ENVELOPES THE KIND THAT PEEL SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO EAT GLUE (must be new)

omg this

Should I trade my 1956 Chevy convertible for his toy accordian, y/n?

BROOKLYN REKKID STORE PICKUPS

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/430427832.html

I love how his wants are basically the Christmas list of an old man.

BIG BOTTLES OF JOY

er...

(must be new)

Try going to a shop then!

dude is selling a wii, and at the end it says...

WARINING: I DO NOT SHIP THE SYSTEMS, SPECIALLY NOT OUTSIDE CANADA, ALL SCAMMERS WILL BE REPORTED. PICK UP ONLY PLEASE. I'M A SERIOUS AND YET FUNNY GUY, WE MIGHT EVEN BECOME FRIENDS:)

DROP ME A LINE OR CALL ME: (i took out his number).

PEACE.

I love LA.

VW hot tub

I want an old fashioned courtship - m4w - 23
Reply to: pers-488056✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-24, 10:49AM PST

Hi, not sure if this is the right section but here goes. I am a 23 year old christian man looking for a family with a daughter about my age or younger who wants an old fashioned courtship. I get to know you as a family, we abide by your rules, no premarital sex. I am responsible, fairly handsome, white, about average height and build. home schooled, love music, dogs, fishing, spending time with my younger brothers and sisters. I have a good job as a union carpenter foreman. I am honest and hardworking.
She should be a christian, home schooled is prefered but not a must, have an apreciation for music, hopefully play an instrument or two, and strive to be the type of woman described in proverbs 31. and she should be pretty but not just on the outside.
One thing you should know is that I really want to move out of this area soon, and that would mean her too. I want to own a farm in the midwest or maybe tennesee or kentucky.

Location: enumclaw

omg enumclaw for the win.

Enumclaw: fundies and horse-fuckers

Proverbs 31:10-31:

Description of a Worthy Woman
10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
20She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and (W)purple.
23Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

"She is like merchant ships" sounds like a noize meme.

does somebody with less Catholic baggage than me wanna write the Proverbs 31 parody plz, thanks

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Enumclaw%2C_Washington

lol at the defensive citizens of Enumclaw.

I always wanted a woman who could tend to my wool & flax.

And works with her hands in delight.

I don't know if we need a parody, J.D.

Proverbs 31:10-31:

Description of a Worthy Woman

10 An excellent wife, who can find?
Me. I can. look while I do it.
11 A man looks at her, she makes eye contact.
That means this woman wants you.
12 And yet she is chaste and not wanton
Free from mincing and gnashing of teeth.
13 She screams at the roar of the mouse
For she has not a brain in her head.
14 She is like the princess called Peach
Dependent to me and perhaps bipolar.
15 Cleaving only to me as she suckles our child
as she had succumbed to my bullet train manseed,
and produced something I cannot shake.
16 She considers a dress and buys it;
After she begs for the fruit of my wallet,
and if I think it does not look too slutty.
17 She thinks she is fat although she is not.
How can she be reassured?
18 Her place is known to herself and all.
That place nightly encircles my dick.
19 I picked her up on an exercise bike
At the Y near my house and the Mission.
20 Her spandex shone like the sunset
O'er the mountains of her legwarmers.
21 The VCR is not what she can program.
(I observed this for my stand-up improv.)
22 She sews clothing for our child the youngest,
the likes that Osh-Kosh could not design.
23 And yet she o'erspends of my income
And hers, too, that she gleans from the Applebee's.
24 A serious wife aims marriage,
a serious wife who aims marriage.
25 Pomp and Circumstance are never her garments,
she did not graduate from a high school.
26 Now for you, how to find such a morsel:
A classic want ad may instruct.
27 I first read this in Farmer's Journal:
Woman, must look good on inside & outside
and wish to move to a farm in Kentucky.
28 Her parents would meet me and upbraid me not
For I'll shield the hymen of their daughter.
29 Must love singly, work hard and own tractor,
love always the dog and the catching of fish.
30 She must spend time with my siblings,
but not with games so worldly as Boggle.
31 And the last, most important requirement:
Please send a photo of tractor.

14 She is like the princess called Peach
Dependent to me and perhaps bipolar.

fucking win

lolz

http://gbamedia.gamespy.com/gba/image/article/691/691797/super-princess-peach-20060227004708930.jpg

We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w
Date: 2007-10-23, 9:27AM EDT

I'm sorry. You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me. Next thing I knew we were making out and you came back and stormed out of the bar. I just want you to know that I really liked you and I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes. You are a beautiful girl and I'm glad that you came on date with me. I would like very much to try again. This time I will give all my love to you.

hahahaha

I have to wonder if iiiijjjj ever got a reply from the post-fratboys.

A Band Named Eric
Reply to: comm-489100✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-25, 1:41PM PST

Drummer and bassist, both named Eric, looking for like-named musicians to start a new band named Eric. Please, only people named Eric or willing to legally change their name to Eric should reply.

Thanks,

Eric

2 small real pumpkins

Reply to: sale-489-✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-11-26, 10:54AM EST

Does anyone have any use for these?

lolcollege

To My Five Dumfuck Roomates
Reply to: pers-569989✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-02-10, 10:49PM CST

To start this on a lighter note, YOU ARE ALL FUCKING RETARDS.
Now that I've said that maybe ill try to tell you why you all deserve to have the right to add to the genetic pool removed.
1. I have a life outside of the house, None of you do.I go out to bars, restraunts , museums, coffe shops, I read indie magazines, I do not like any stereotypical male activities. (exception for sex but read on for that.) I have a life where it does not involve watching the game, drinking a couple of beers, and laughing at something that is hip on youtube. It is precisely this reason that I throw myself into school, culture, and not being at home. You're all 21 get a life past high school shit.

2. I have a double major, one in art and one in theoretical mathematics , which requires approximately 9000 percent of my time not spent sleeping and making myself not look like a bum. So if I on occasion forget my laundry in the dryer, or dont get to the single plate, cup, and pot that i dirtied ten seconds ago, please do not get outrageously bent out about it. Next time I find that my clean clothes were thrown on the disgusting basement floor, or dishes that I had used half an hour ago to make dinner with are in my nice clean bed, let me say that I will burn your section of the house down.

3. Please dont remind me that I'm not from a wealthy family by making sarcastic jokes about having a job, I can hear you and I swear to god that your car will not start ever again if i have to listen to how nice it is to be rich. Also eating all of my food, and then ordering pay per view which you expect me to help pay for is also off limits, along with running a space heater in your downstairs bathroom because you dont want a cold ass. Deal with it, I paid an extra 80 bucks for that shit last month, and trust me I'm going to fucking send you the bill.

4.On the topic of school, you are all unable to find majors that involve sports and burping, so you choose bullshit ones. Great for you, I didnt. Mr. Business major who never does homework, never leaves from the couch, and will not let me check the weather, You will probably make more money than me ever. But you're dumb, and so is that barely legal freshman you rail every weekend. My history major roomate, your parents are rich beyond absurdity ( they seriously bought you a thirty thousand dollar car after you smashed up your used bmw) and you will live off of them till you get your phd, good luck on doing anything with that when you can barely write a paper, or hold a conversation (exception for those about sports). The industrial engineer who lives with me, you are my best friend, but you are still dumb, you couldnt cut it as an ME, or a CE, or even as a consulting major, so you took engineers for business. Sorry. The ornmantel horticulture major, you're nice, but going to school to learn how to cut grass is a waste. and finally my construction management roomate. Actually you're not dumb, just never there to talk to.

4. I am not dumb because I am studying art. Once more and ill make art from your fucking cd collection.

5. Hour shower roomate, get the hell out of there, i want to be naked and wet too.

6. If I listen to a record, using headphones, at two in the morning with my door shut and the light on dim, please do not disturb me, Im tired and relaxing.

7.All of you drive nicer cars that your parents bought you, and I can understand that you dont want them scratched, but just because I drive a nicer used VW that I am personally paying for each month does not mean you can take my keys and park it in the little old ladies driveway she lets us use. I have a 4 inch clearence, and if my bottom if fucked, all of you are getting the bill. Trust me and let me park in the spot my rent is paying for, I promise i will not dent your car.

8. On the topic of sex, I have it on occasion, with the same steady partner, who no longer wants to come over due to the catcalls, pounding, and yelling. When you all are getting some, I have the curtesy to be quiet and in my room. Do the same or i swear you'll never get any again.

9.I work about 35 hours a week, and study for about 100 or something, so when i sleep i try to be quiet and not wake you up, six in the morning shouting about lifting when I've been asleep 45 minutes is not acceptable. A bat to your face just might be.

10. I'm done with this one. Nicknames are stupid, use my full name when i am around my friends and collegues or so help me god, I will tell the world all of your drunken secrets. Including the one about doing a chick who used to be a guy mr business major.

Thank you and goodnight I fucking hope.

He's got some atrocious spelling and grammar for someone so "smart".

I pity whoever this man marries. If he really works that hard, does he really have a life, outside the house or otherwise?

Although the dumping laundry on the basement floor or putting dishes into beds is kind of bullshit, unless its a chronic thing.

I REALLY don't miss college at all.

if these douchebags are so rich why do they need roommates?

Wow

I have a life where it does not involve watching the game, drinking a couple of beers, and laughing at something that is hip on youtube.

^^THIS IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM DUDE

If he's so hung up on wealth he probably shouldn't be doing a double major in arts & theoretical maths

ts:

1. I have a life outside of the house

vs

I work about 35 hours a week, and study for about 100 or something

EXACTLY.

I think this guy will go on to become a real life Frank Grimes.

I can't tell if this one is as funny as I think it is or not:

hot blonde waitress at Max and Ermas - m4w - 53

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-604782✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-13, 9:02AM EDT

You waited on us. Group of 10 by the Sundae bar on Tuesday the 11th. You are so hot. I don't know if you come here or not, but it is worth a shot. You are so HOT!!!

LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN WHO TRADED HERSELF FOR MY TV - m4w - 40

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-612224✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-19, 10:58PM PDT

Spring 2003.

I was moving out of L.A. and selling some stuff on Craigslist.

I wanted $175 for my television. You answered my ad.

You said you needed a new TV but offered me something other than cash.

I waited for you downstairs.

You came rollin' down the sidewalk.

Two guys bumped into one another while looking at your delicious apple bottom.

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

Much better than $175.

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

Freddy Crooner is o_O

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/muc/612752647.html

his homepage is even more fucked up

Bloeing (???)

The left channel is a Boeing "feel good about us" promotional ad which I mess up by shifting pitch and playback speed via Photon X25 midi controller & Ableton. The right channel is a text-to-speech synthesized voice reading descriptions of weapons from their web site.

Holy shit!

Police offer amnesty to people who stole from Craigslist hoax victim

12:17 PM PDT on Tuesday, March 25, 2008

By AP and kgw.com Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Ore. -- Police say belongings removed from a Southern Oregon man's property have begun slowly reappearing at his home, a day after a pair of hoax ads on Craigslist cost Robert Salisbury much of what he owned.

And police said people who return the items voluntarily will not be prosecuted.

The ads popped up Saturday afternoon, saying the owner of a Jacksonville home was forced to leave the area suddenly and his belongings, including a horse, were free for the taking, said Jackson County Sheriff's Detective Sgt. Colin Fagan.

But the ads were a hoax. Robert Salisbury had no plans to leave.

The independent contractor was at Emigrant Lake when he got a call from a woman who had stopped by his house to claim his horse.

On his way home he stopped a truck loaded down with his work ladders, lawn mower and weed eater.

"I informed them I was the owner, but they refused to give the stuff back," Salisbury said. "They showed me the Craigslist printout and told me they had the right to do what they did."

The driver sped away after rebuking Salisbury. On his way home he spotted other cars filled with his belongings.

Once home he was greeted by close to 30 people rummaging through his barn and front porch.

The trespassers, armed with printouts of the ad, tried to brush him off. "They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind."

Jacksonville police and Jackson County sheriff's deputies arrived but by then several cars packed with Salisbury's property had fled.

He turned some license plate numbers over to police. By late Monday, s ome people who learned of the hoax began to return items taken from the home. Authorities weren't able to say how much or what had been returned, but did say that by late Monday afternoon, items were "starting to piling up" in Salisbury's driveway.

Michelle Easley had seen the ad that claimed Salisbury's horse had been declared abandoned by the sheriff's department and was free to a good home.

"I can't stand to see a horse suffer so I drove out there and got her," Easley said. "The horse didn't look abandoned. She is in good shape for being 32 years old."

But it looked odd, so she left a note on Salisbury's door explaining the ad. She then decided to call to make sure the ad was legitimate when the second similar ad appeared.

"I feel bad because I was a part of it," Easley said. "It felt right to call the police."

Fagan praised Easley's honestly but said prosecution was likely for anybody caught with Salisbury's property.

Officers were still contacting people who were seen leaving Salisbury's house with his stuff. If they return the taken items, no charges will be filed. But people who don’t return what they took may face charges.

Items can be returned with no questions asked, Fagan said.

Detectives have contacted Craigslist's legal team to try to trace the ad.

Meanwhile, Salisbury could not even relax on his porch swing -- someone took it.

Apparently it was a disgruntled niece who done did it!

"They honestly thought that because it appeared on the Internet it was true," Salisbury said. "It boggles the mind."

Allegedly real ad in bay area cl. I got it in email. Smells like bs, but whatever

<img src=http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j278/oilyrags/ATT00001.jpg>;

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j278/oilyrags/ATT00001.jpg

Who is alleging this ad to be real?

whoever began sending it round, I guess.

According to Snopes it's a non-doctored pic, but that's bigger than any mastiff I've ever seen so I'm guessing there is either some trickery going on here.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/bigdog.asp

The easiest sort of 'trickery' I can imagine that doesn't involve doctoring the pic would be if that woman is unusually petite.

And the dog disturbingly massive.

look at her hand on the dog's leg. it's not that big, its just closer to the camera.

http://shipdisturbers.com/bestofcraigslist.jpg

stomp around on the buildings, just don't break em'!

imitation crab meat

omg

if that doesn't top the ad from the dude who wanted to jerk off into a tornado, then surely it's a close second

lock thread, surely.

25-70

http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/muc/677453250.html

these two need to hook up

Need man to set up wireless network - 33
Reply to: pers-320771✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2007-04-28, 7:02PM CDT

My ex-husband tried and got things even more screwed up.
I need a good looking man, 21-45, to come to my home and set up my wireless network. We have one desktop and two laptops. We have DSL. What's so hard about that?
One BJ for payment, and then our relationship is over.
Interested?

* Location: Norwood Park
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 320771195

LOOKING FOR THE WOMAN WHO TRADED HERSELF FOR MY TV - m4w - 40

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-612224✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧
Date: 2008-03-19, 10:58PM PDT

Spring 2003.

I was moving out of L.A. and selling some stuff on Craigslist.

I wanted $175 for my television. You answered my ad.

You said you needed a new TV but offered me something other than cash.

I waited for you downstairs.

You came rollin' down the sidewalk.

Two guys bumped into one another while looking at your delicious apple bottom.

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

Much better than $175.

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

"I put the cat outside"

My pedals are alphabetized so that I can easily find them in the middle of "battle".

dying

When you've been in the business as long as I have, you tend to come up with little time-saving tricks like that.

dying more, gagging on own vomit

poughkeepsie

that's where rock 'n' roll dreams come through!

photo taken in attic = still lives with parents?

i dunno but i saw a guy wearing chain mail in orlando once. maybe these two should hang out.

they can be the houseband at medieval times

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

wow this could be the chorus of a great song (including the rest of it as verses obviously)

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

flintstonesopeningcredits.jpg

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/395322346.html

We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Oh hell no.

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/zip/692592254.html

someone doesn't really want to part with that printer.

http://gawker.com/392686/cash+waving-craigslist-players-fury-these-photos-are-mines

We have DSL....let me say that I will burn your section of the house down. I thought I was done after those two and then I read the christian wife ad and the cinderblock one. Craigslist; don't ever change.

I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird.

O_O

http://madison.craigslist.org/mis/701252292.html

I see you everywhere. On the streets. In your cars. In class. At work. At bars. At restaurants. And all I want to do is go up to you and say just one thing:

Fuck you.

Fuck you incessantly bitching. About everything. About your ex-boyfriend. About your current boyfriend. About your slutty roommate. About your roommate who never gets laid. About your hangover. About all the lame TV. Shut. Your. Fat. Fucking. Mouth. You don’t like something? Change it. Who gives a fuck about your roommate. She’s having more/less sex than you? Why does it even matter. You saw your ex-boyfriend with another girl, and even though “you totally don’t care, like, at all”, you still talk and talk and talk about him. About nothing at all. Don’t like your current boyfriend? Talk to him. Dump him. Do something. Life is such a fucking adventure. Life is fleeting. Make it count. Do something. Change something. Take some fucking responsibility. Make it worth living.

Fuck you for not being able to choose the right men. Fuck you for following the same sorry pattern of behavior you always do, like a fucking clock. Fuck you for picking up someone at a bar, fucking him, and crying when he doesn’t call. What the fuck did you expect? Fuck you for going back to your ex-boyfriend, who’s always 3-5 years older, works a fucking dead end job, drinks every night, and has a career aspiration that he hasn’t followed up on in years. But he’s a musician. He’s an artist. He’s something that impresses you. So you stay. Because you’re weak. Because you’re stupid. Fuck. You. Fuck you for jumping from relationship to relationship like fucking lily pads. If the last two starving artists were insensitive, cheated on you, and made you pay for everything, does it nor stand to reason that the third one might be, gosh, the same? Maybe?

Fuck you for not calling. Fuck you for letting me think that our date went really well. (Oh, I guess that four-hour walk we went punctuated by making out was because you felt uncomfortable saying “no thanks”, right? Fuck you). Fuck you for not being a grown up. Fuck you for not taking responsibility. Fuck you for not saying three words: “I’m not interested”. Fuck you for not growing up. Fuck you for smoking. It’s a filthy motherfucking disgusting habit, and kissing you tastes like licking an industrial smokestack. Yes I’m judging you. Fuck you for spending hundreds of dollars on stupid, bullshit, trivialities. Fuck you for getting mad when I express an opinion you don’t want to hear.

Fuck you for getting mad when I play video games. I don’t get pissy when you and your inane girlfriends watch Sex and the City, do I? (Even though I should because it encourages all of you to act like stupid tramps. Chasing that theoretical “perfect man”. Mindlessly drinking. Expecting unrealistic media constructs that don’t exist in real life. Fuck you). No, I don’t get pissy when you do those things. You know why? They relax you. That’s why I play video games. They’re relaxing. They let the mind take a vacation from all the shit. Fuck you for not understanding that. Fuck you for twisting the situation into a them or me choice. Fuck you for thinking they’re juvenile.

Fuck you for wearing golashes. I guess they’re fashionable now, but you looked better in Uggs. They’re just giant pieces of rubber. You look like a fisherman. Or a city sewage worker. Fuck you for thinking small dogs are fashion accessories. That’s a living fucking thing that depends on you for survival. Fuck you for wanting to be like Pairs Hilton. Fuck you for your neo-feminist double standard bullshit you heard a friend say once in college. Oh, you didn’t get that promotion at work just because you’re a woman? Women should be equal to men? You’re right. They should. They absolutely should. But Fuck. You. For expecting me to treat you like a “lady”. You want to talk about a double motherfucking standard? I paid for the gas that I put in the car I paid for with my money to drive you to this over-priced, idiotic restaurant you “had” to go to, where you almost always have too much wine and start yelling and you expect me to pay for the whole thing? Fuck you. Want me to treat you like a lady? Fine. Treat like a motherfucking gentleman. I’ll provide for you, sure. I’ll support you. But that means dinner on the table every day when I get home. That means sex when I say. That means you demure to me in every situation. That means essential domestic slavery. (Yeah, the fifties don’t sound so fucking great now, do they?).

Fuck you buying into that “dangerous to walk at night” bullshit. It’s called common sense. Exercise it. The world wants you to think you’re meek, easily victimized. Take fucking charge. Fuck you for yelling at me when we could have an adult, mature discussion. But instead, you had to categorize every trivial thing I’ve done to piss you off and then they all come tumbling out at once so what could have been conducted in a grown-up manner comes off as a verbal blitzkrieg of everything I don’t do that MTV tells you I should.

Fuck you for telling me about you friends’ boyfriends. Fuck you for thinking that when you say all the things your friends’ boyfriends do that I’m taking it to heart. I’m not. All you’re saying is “These are the ways in which you fail me”. Fuck you for asking me loaded questions. Fuck you for guilt tripping me. Fuck you for expecting to know why you’re mad. I don’t. Fuck you for not communicating.

Fuck you for not accepting me even when we’re in a relationship. Fuck you for not liking me. Because my car isn’t nice enough. Because I’m not tall enough. Because I make too much money. Because I make too much money. Because I didn’t call soon enough. Because you went back to someone else. Because you’re “not looking for anything serious right now”. Because I’m not as good as that one ex you never shut your mouth about. Because you don’t like my tattoos. Because I have too many. Because too few. Fuck you for drunk texting me that it “wuldint wurk out” (Her spelling errors). Fuck you for breaking up with me over the phone, over the computer, but never face to face.

Fuck you for getting angry when I check you out. Fuck you for getting angry that someone’s looking at you when you’re in a skirt that doesn’t even come down as far as the pockets it has, wearing black fuck me shoes and a titty shirt that makes your cleavage look like the grand canyon. How dare I, right? Fuck you for wanting my attention. Fuck you for holding up the line. Fuck you for talking on your cell phone. Fuck you for being childish.

Fuck you for responding to this with snarky comments about how I must not get laid, or live in my parents basement, or I'm a libtard, or any other standard craigslist response. Fuck you for thinking women can incessantly whine about how guys can't find a clitoris or g-spot or constantly cheat but I can't point out all the ways in which you inevitably never live up to your marketing. Fuck you for telling me I'm too angry. I'm too negative. I'm too bitter. Fuck you.

But most of all, fuck you for championing mediocrity. You complain about the lack of good men? Look around. Game recognize game.

Fuck. You.

"ladies and gentlemen, Burt Stanton"

I'm a 28 year old single woman looking for someone to share happiness with. i love to read, paint, dance, cook and spend time with my family. I love learning about new cultures and meeting new people. I love to try new foods and different activities. Music makes me happy, so if I can be around music i'll most likely have a smile on my face. I also love to laugh, it's so important to me! IF YOU DO NOT THINK IM AS PRETTY AS ANGELINA JOLIE, SELMA HEYEK OR JESSICA ALBA DON'T BOTHER WRITING ME!!!!!!! I do not care how self centered this sounds i will not settle for someone who seetles for me even looks wise!!!!

So sad.

I am 5'8 150lbs 36 C with red hair and green eyes. I love doing it doggie style and 69ing. I also love to play dress up, my favorite outfit is a slutty mail girl, "I love stuffing your mailbox" I am nice and tight and waiting for you.

For some reason I have chest hair and I love when a man or woman is confident enough to give it a good tug.

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine!
I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name
2. Occupation
3. Age
4. Allergies
5. Favourite author

Cheers!

And they say the Victorians all died out long ago...

'final-stage candidates'

to whittle down the hordes of people simply bursting to live with this fruit cake

IT MUST SIZZLE

are your parents retarded?

Because I think your special. I'm not really lonely, i'm not really in need of a serious relationship, and I don't need another mom. I do want someone to hang out with, go eat, just have the company of a new person. I have great friends that you will never understand. I have a love of music that you have never heard of. Plus, a sense of humor that would make a 10 cent whore blush, but that is what i'm aiming for. I take nothing seriously and I don't have time to worry about bullshit. i'm into any kind of woman that will give me a chance because if you were to reply to something like this you would probably fit right into my life.

RE: Jokes and Doubt About the Messiah

More likely Obama is the antichrist than the Messiah. All the same qualities you mention.

Besides, I know for a fact that the Messiah is alive and well and not too far from here. I met Him, up in North Carolina about a week ago. He was sitting at the top of Waterrock Knob. We chatted for a while, and somehow I just knew who it was. We walked down the mountain, and He bought me dinner in Maggie Valley. He's unemployed, yet always has enough money to help people. He cares for a little 83 year old woman and despite the doctors saying there was no hope, she is now leading a normal life again. She was up on the mountain with Him. That's almost 6,300 feet above sea level, and she broke her hip a couple months ago! She said to me, "He saved me!" She says He's a good cook, too.

The Messiah is a strange looking fellow, with shoulder length hair, and an amazing air of confidence about Him. I tried to trick Him - I asked some questions about modern technology, figuring he would not know anything about it. Boy, was I ever wrong! He's an expert! Then I tried asking some questions about other things. He knew about everything I asked. He never spoke negatively about anybody, and He sees things so clearly. When you're near Him, you feel like everything is going to be alright. He said He is coming to live in South Carolina for a while, but did not tell me where. I believe it will be west of Greenville someplace. He seems to really love mountain scenery. He told me there are people He wants to talk with here.

Here's the really odd part:

I never give Him any information about me except my name. My phone rang that night and all I hear is this voice saying "Check your messages." I have an unlisted number.

So I look at the answering machine - no messages. I figure it was a prank call. Later on I sit at the computer and see that there's a message for me. This is the exact message:

SOLVE LIMP SIN

sleeves i ominously pin
slum opinion ivy lessee
mission eleven piously
vinyl enemies oil soups
http://shroudmail.com/iam

So I'm wondering, what does it mean? And how did that message reach me? NOBODY has the address it was sent to. It has to mean that He really IS the Messsiah!!

The message is confusing though. I'm not good at riddles, and have no idea what it's trying to tell me. When I visited the web site, it just says "Study the Message"

Even so, I know somehow it means He will be here among us, in South Carolina, very soon. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true!

If anybody can tell me what the riddle means, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

sleeves i ominously pin
slum opinion ivy lessee
mission eleven piously
vinyl enemies oil soups

poll

I do actually have a handbook

I was jogging at Runyon last Tuesday and we caught eachother's eyes....went back in the bushes to make out a bit. Was so hot, you pulled off your pants and fell over, taking me down with you, when your dog started licking my butthole --OMG, SO HOT. I just started kissing you and wanting to take you right there, but couldn't go too far since there are other people in the park.

Let's hook up -- and bring your dog as well -- i'm in WeHo -- if you're the guy, tell me what my shirt said. You had commented on it, so you would know. Hint: Turkey baster!

omg

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/fur/754297500.html

free hourse manuer
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-08-12, 7:51PM EDT

Its great for all your gardening needs. I have loads of it, its bagged and ready to go.

please call 845 549 9928

* it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 794134957

http://columbus.craigslist.org/m4w/806595986.html

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/zip/808241944.html

It's the picture that does it

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/806134244.html

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/msg/824003994.html

http://madison.craigslist.org/mis/836220099.html

HERE IS THE THING...I SAW YOU SITTING ON HERE..AND I THOUGHT...- YOU ARE THE MOST BEUTIFUL WOMAN... I TOOK THIS PIC..SECRETLY..SORRY!
I WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU...IF YOU'LL READ THIS JUST LET ME KNOW...
UH CANT WAIT!

omg

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html

Mono y Mono - ww4m - 25 (Orange County)
Reply to: pers-834783✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 8:39PM PDT

My friends and I are looking to lose some weight and need someone with Mono to help us out. We want to be really thin... like people tell us we look good but then behind our backs they wonder if we are still healthy, kind of thin. We have a slight obstacle in our way though, we love to eat so being anorexic is out. Our next resort is Mono (no, regular diet and exercise is not an option).

Your payment for giving one of us your Mono is simple... you get to kiss a really cute girl. We are all cute and really haven't decided who is going to make out with a total stranger (I guess we could draw straws) but any way it is a win win for you. If you are really attractive and a good kisser perhaps we will all make out with you. We have a few things we would like our Mono carrier to posess though (we set high standards for whose Mono we are willing to catch).

1. Be a male between the ages of 21 and 35
2. Be attractive... we would like our last kiss mono free to be with someone who is pleasant to look at
3. Have a sense of humor to lighten the mood should awkwardness arise
4. Have nice breath and we will do the same
5. Be a good kisser
6. Bring proof from a doctor that you do indeed have Mono

Your payment for doing this is that you get to kiss an attractive women while you have Mono. We figure that maybe you haven't been kissing to many people since catching this and could be in need of a good make out.

Reply back to email with your information and a picture of yourself and the best way to be contacted.

Thank you and best of luck!

aww WI love

i love those girls (xp)

omar, do you have the link to that?

it was from this post, the OG ad is gone now i guess ;_;

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/rnr/835371496.html

thx!

looks like someone has mono!

From WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN category in east Idaho:

I SELL CANDLES AND WARMERS.! (RIGBY,ID)
Reply to: pers-829029✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-05, 3:16PM MDT

HI MY NAME IS ANGELA AND I SELL CANDLES WITH A NICE SMELLS DIFERENT ONES AND I SELL WARMERS AND LOTS MORE
PLS CONTACT ME IF U ARE INTERESTED
AT
TWO-ZERO-EIGHT-SEVEN-FOUR-FIVE-NINE-THREE-FIVE

My sister emailed it to me and here is her comment:

"It makes me laugh cause this shows how Mormon Idaho people are. No girl on girl action here, just women who want to sell crafts to other women. WTF?"

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/adg/836109998.html

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM (LA)
Reply to: gigs-836109✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-10, 8:20PM PDT

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.

Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP

Pay: $2000-3000

No anal required

* Location: LA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $2000-3000

PostingID: 836109998

Who wants to watch Sarah Palin porn if there's not any buttsex?

2-3K is all you get for doing a porn film for a major adult studio?? i guess im crossing that off my list of possible careers if things go bad.

Yeah, that does sound pretty bad actually. I'm guessing that 1) This isn't really that "major" of an adult studio, and 2) The fee is much lower than normal for a no-name "lookalike" actress

http://img83.imageshack.us/img83/3064/palinsl5.jpg

i cant see that picture but it had better not be me

http://london.craigslist.co.uk/med/863379076.html

You'd think he'd get enough of that sort of thing at his day job at the moment..

Compensation: Between 100-3000 pounds

I honestly thought this was a weight requirement at first

Telecommuting is ok.

how does that work?

It's not you, Sunny.

It's a picture of a woman tied up on a couch with a ball gag in her mouth.

And oh yeah, she's dressed up to look like Sarah Palin.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/914322019.html
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/913327273.html

Were you the naked guy?

Who pissed in my computer? reward (athens, east campus area)
Reply to: pers-916726✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-11-12, 7:08PM EST

I went to bed last night, immediately after lowering the screen on my laptop, and stacking 1 notebook, and four dvd cases atop it. When I woke up this morning, I removed four dry dvd cases and one dry notebook from atop my computer and opened it, at which time a stream of what i can only imagine is urine trickled down the screen. Picking it up, I found that this mysterious liquid has soaked through the case, effectively destroying my computer forever. I've spent the day touching, smelling and otherwise examining this copious liquid dripping from my laptop, and I've concluded that it can only be urine. I'm baffled as to how this could have happened. I'm left only to conclude that someone has entered my apartment in the dead of night, bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer, to remove all the things atop my laptop, open it, piss in it, and meticulously replace all the objects originally there back on top. My offer is this: I will pay you, pee bandit, 30 dollars to come forth and reveal yourself. I don't want to prosecute, I won't report you to the police, i won't even ask you to get your tech-savvy brother to help me fix it, I just want you to ease my worried mind and tell me the reasoning behind this mysterious leaking of your piss into my keyboard. 30 bucks man. come on.

Is this a craigslist thing?

Jailbabe is search of a man!! (Chowchilla)
Reply to: comm-924807✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-11-18, 4:40PM PST

Beth Nelson is 36 years old.
She is in prison at Chowchilla, and will be there at least for another 10 years. She is there for murder and counterfeiting.

She is seeking a man who will marry her WHILE she is in prison!
"Family visits" are allowed with husbands, up to 48 hours per
month. These include sex. Hubands only. No "boyfriends" can
get family visits with her.

Is there a lonely man willing to marry Beth and visit her
often? You must live within driving distance of Chowchilla (15 miles south
of Merced on Hwy 99). Write to Beth if you are interested! Rules are:
1) Do NOT send money!
2) Send Stamps!!! At least 5 stamps!
3) No nude photos! She'll NEVER see them!
4) No "dirty" language. She'll never see the letter
5) Include at least one PHOTO, but NOT a polaroid! Polaroids are NOT allowed! If you only have polaroids, then put them on a photocopy machine, make copies,
and send a copy to her; __NOT__ the polaroids themselves!
6) Use a plain-white-business envelope. DO NOT use a "security" envelope.
7) Again....include first-class STAMPS! At least 5.

Yes, she is ___desperate__! So, your chances of marrying her are EXCELLENT!
Of course, you must visit her FIRST! She will send you a signed "Visitation Form" to fill out. Fill it out and mail it back to her. It takes about 6 weeks before you can visit, after mailing back the form.

*I am NOT Elizebath! She has NO email access!
*I will NOT forward your emails nor photos to her! YOU must send them via regular mail!

Elizebath Nelson #W-52536
V.S.P.W., D1-05-03UP
P.O.Box 92
Chowchilla, CA 93610-0092

http://images.craigslist.org/1181f81g63n13ka3le8bid1eee5c34d771245.jpg

I don't know if that's hilarious so much as deeply sad.

bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer
bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer
bypassed my roommate's open and unprotected computer

This is a large bag of STILL SEALED Hill Country Fare rice. Great if you want to BUY IN BULK, cook for a large gathering, or otherwise stock up on food in case of emergency or shortage! This was on sale at H-E-B while gas prices were rising, but is NO LONGER ON SHELVES! Get your hands on this relic of my apocalyptic fears while it's still available!

Include at least one PHOTO, but NOT a polaroid! Polaroids are NOT allowed! If you only have polaroids, then put them on a photocopy machine, make copies,
and send a copy to her; __NOT__ the polaroids themselves!

i still don't get why polaroids wouldn't be allowed. What's so dangerous about polaroids? Construct a chemical bomb out of it?

shame, you don't remember The Polaroid Killer.

bahaha Hoos, did you post that?

only heard of that Zodiac guy ;)

I think you can roll up Polaroids, smoke them, and get high, right?

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rnr/964514051.html

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that's MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It's a great space for I'm charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it's ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That's why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

HERE IS THE AD I POSTED, AND THE AD THAT KEEPS GETTING REMOVED:

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25" Zenith color television set with basic cable service - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services - You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign
currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant slutty behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.

Additional Rules/Conditions:

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of
your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite,
countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon
inspection, if the tenant's basement suite is not clean, the cost of
cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to
be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the
Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in
the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of
tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure
that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from
1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject
to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can
result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All
visitors must sign the Visitor's Log. Unauthorized visitors will be
escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her
photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D.
bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the
area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to
6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to
the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a
particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is
allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the
exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

That cannot be real.

(If so, !!!!!!!!!!)

lol has the penal system contacted these people yet to discuss outsourcing terms

If it is real (which I doubt), you could live somewhere with the same conditions, but rent free! It's called prison...
(damn xposted)

http://winnipeg.kijiji.ca/c-jobs-other-Wanted-Bar-attraction-W0QQAdIdZ94888311

Wanted: Bar attraction

Ad ID: 94888311
Visits: 9291
Address: Winnipeg, MB View map
Date Listed: 18-Dec-08

We are seeking a person, male or female, with an empty eye socket/cavity. They must be willing to allow people to take shooters out of said eye socket/cavity. We are willing to pay you 1/2 of all earnings from the bar attraction event and all the alcohol that you can drink. This is a real job application. If you qualify, We believe that someone just like you could bring a great deal of acceptance on the subject of loss of an eye, and earn a fair amount of cash on the side.

Again, this is a REAL ad and we truly believe that there IS a market for this.

If you fit the job description, please call 831-6212 or email lennonmccartneyharrisonst✧✧✧@hotm✧✧✧.c✧✧ .

Who are these people who charge $40 for an old, used Discman, and then have the audacity to write "serious buyers only" or charge $10 for their CD copy of the Lion King Soundtrack?

I am truly baffled, are so many people so inept at the utmost basic, common sense-marketing principles?

xpost to the eyeball shotglass - love how that email address is still very obvious despite the, ahem, starrs. and to the content - wtf!

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/fuo/1032837033.html

buy it. now.

i'm pondering

cool cd rack i'm checking out:

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/fuo/1040975278.html

We are 2 guys, and 1 girl, early twenties. We all enjoy making music and art, gardening, cooking vegetarian meals, growing things like kombucha and consciousness, and being happy and healthy in general. If you are interested in meeting up and seeing the house, email me back and tell a little about yourself and some contact info~

growing things like kombucha and consciousness

grow some balls

Awwwww.

Frankenpick
Date: 2007-10-19, 9:08AM CDT

Latest offering smuggled from the former Soviet Union, this pick utilizes old Russian nuclear laser technology. Strap on the convenient Velcro micro-unit, plug into any 1200 Watt power supply, and aim the solar panels directly at the sun and dial in the guitar style of your choice.
From Chet Atkins to Duane Allman, guitar herodom is literally at your fingertips. The micro sensors process the bass and drum beats and submit a series of small electrical shocks directly into your nervous system causing you to involuntarily crank out searing leads.
A word of caution: actual electrical discharges my vary, and side affects could include erratic blues face, trembling of the hips commonly known as Presley syndrome, drooling and involuntary anal discharge. In extreme cases, you may be mistaken for a drummer.
Local sales only. Cash only. Contact your health care professional if erection last more than 6 hours. No scammers please.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/453488653.jpg

* Location: South Austin
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 453488653

flagged for my for sale ad
Date: 2005-10-20, 11:13PM PDT

I originally posted this in the "for sale" section of this website, but it was flagged and removed within 25 minutes. If you know anyone that can help me, please read on:

Years ago, just before i transferred from Chemeketa to the U of O, i was in a pretty sad state--sexwise, that is. My problem was that i wasn't pulling enough trim to keep my sexual desires satiated. I was basically a walking boner machine, cranking out a product that nobody wanted. Getting laid in high school was no problem: Back in the 90s girls would lift skirt as naturally as they would sneeze or yawn. But when college and hence my 20s came around, something happened. I can't put my finger in it, but i think it had something to do with the fact that women over 20 aren't impressed with things like how quickly you can shotgun a can of Milwaukee's Best Ice.
So my first term at U of O was pretty much vadgeless, no matter what i tried. Dyed my hair blonde, bought a new Merkur with the two spoilers, threw away all of my old Hypercolor T-shirts, even started ordering Cointreau Sidecars at the bar just to seem impressively pedantic. Nothing worked, and I was just about ready to resign myself to life without poon.
But then one day a miracle happened. I was walking back to my quad on 18th and Kincaid when i found something in the holly bushes out in front of the Lorax. It was easily recognizable by the shape of the hardcase poking out from the foliage. I opened up the case and saw that it was an accoustic guitar. A beautiful guitar that said "Regent by Kramer" on the little stem thingie. I placed the guitar back into the soft fluffy red fur that lined the hardcase and lugged it home. I placed a lost and found ad in the Emerald and called it a night. I didn't think it at the time, but that was pretty much the last night i would sleep without two soft milky-white breasts to bury my chin between.
The following day I decided to take the guitar with me to my CompLit 318 class because it was one of those once-a-week 6-hour classes that was more like an independent study type of thing. Just before reaching the corner of 17th and University, a girl named Alayne Mundtz walked up to me. Her first words were, "Are you in a band?" I was so surprised that such a beautiful although shortish Jewish girl would walk up to a stranger on the street that i lied, "Yes. Yes i am." By 9:30 that night, I was nose deep in Alayne. She broke up with me about three weeks later (when she finally realized that i didn't actually know how to play guiter), but that was okay because i was getting pretty sick of her anyway. Two nights later, i brought the guitar to Max's on 13th. That's where Jennifer D'Amico bought me four pints of Jubelale before taking me home. She thought she was an "artist" and had all of these paintings of butterflies all over her bedroom. I didn't care, though, because she was a box-shaver and that was the first time I'd ever gone down on a hoo-ha sans hair. She kicked me out of her apartment about a month later when she found out i wasn't in a band, but--again--i was fine with that because i think i was allergic to her fabric softener.
That was pretty much how the rest of my college career went. I got a BA in English Lit because i was happy to coast by on a 2.49 GPA, and about 30 notches on my headboard because of the guitar.
I moved to Portland after graduation, and the guitar-luck, of course, came with me. I've sprayed in all sorts of Portland girls thanks to this guitar: Indies, goths, trustafarians, hipsters, even a lesbian once from that time i lugged it up to the Egyptian Club on Division. This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever.
You may be wondering why i'm willing to part with this guitar, this chick magnet, this slit supplier. Fair question. I present my answer to you in two parts: Firstly, i think it's morally apprehensible to walk around town with a guitar case if the only reason you're doing it is to moisten panties, especially if you've never even bothered to learn how to play. Secondly, and more importantly, I've finally met a girl without the help of the guitar. On one of the rare occassions that i forgot to bring out the chick magnet, i met a saucy little redhead at Paradox, and the carpets match the drapes if you know what i mean. We're engaged to be married.
I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be swimming in muffpuddles by the end of the week if you buy this guitar, but i really don't want to tell the fiancee about this so please don't hesitate to take it off my hands.
The price is firm.
PostingID: 105596028

This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever

oh my. wonder how this would go over at slam poetry/open mic nite.

having heard something very similar two nights ago i can tell you: carwash clapped off the stage

also

* Location: South Austin

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats.

This is approximately 15 blocks/ 0.75 miles SE of where I'm currently sitting. And to think, the most exciting thing I've ever seen there is that they have a library.

Oh and douchebag pro-lifers will occasionally protest the place and get laughed at.

A large picture but safe for work ("Sarah Michelle Gellar and I").

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/ats/1111457569.html

selling ford truck - $1200 (girard)
Reply to: sale-9ujvk-1163953✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-10, 3:37PM EDT

$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees

* Location: girard
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3k93o63pdZZZZZZZZZ95a9d51ae134b8c1fcb.jpg

holy shit. i need that as a link so i can send it to coworkers!

http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2008/08/candyman.jpg

here's the link http://youngstown.craigslist.org/cto/1163953978.html

i cant go with you too many bees

btw I just saw Candyman. wtf was the deal with that movie?

Oh, it's just ONE OF THE BEST HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE

i don't know but this reminded me of tommy boy like where they're driving drunk and they get pulled over so they run out of the car going BEES! RUN! YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM!

http://www.indiancomedian.com/EddieIzzard.jpg

it's coveredinBEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

along with being great sociopolitical commentary at the same time, imho

oh beehive...
http://www.anglotopia.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/austin-powers-shagadelic.jpg

It made absolutely no sense to me & was not scary but OTOH I was sick & running a temp of ~102º F at the time.

"Movie reviews by a lady who is stupid and running a fever."

LOL classic self-deprecation there. that would be a good thread. you should do it.

anyway: Candyman the character is the classic 'Other,' the object of Helen's (Virginia Madsen) sexual fantasies...his monster senses her weaknesses, then assumes/consumes Helen to the point that she becomes Candyman. Her salvation comes only when she essentially dies in order to rid Candyman from her psyche; additionally, her 'sacrifice' is representative of an attempt to heal the schisms of racism and racial herding-- the baby that she saves is a 'new son.'

Finally, the film deals with issues of miscengenation as well as race/class tourism's destructive effects on communities.

I believe the last part-- the first part is more the political gobbledygook explanation of a slasher film.

KILLING ME WON'T GET YOUR GODDAMNED TRUCK SOLD!!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/Wicker%20Man%20Bees/GroinGremlin/beesnickcage.jpg

Sounds like a typical bee movie plot to me...

dude

am i that bad

honestly, if i am, i promise to shut my fucking trap forever

no you are not that bad

thank u

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

― snoball, Monday, May 11, 2009 6:41 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

I interpreted for Bernard Rose (Candyman director) on the set of a later and much, much crapper movie, Anna Karenina. He was entertaining and clever if occasionally a demanding bastard. He used to flap his arms and cackle.

rip

http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/05/craigslist-gives-in-will-shut-down-erotic-services-section.ars

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Lil Wayne wanted (DC-MD-VA)
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

that is so sad ;_; both of them!
why does craigslist want to trick little kids & destroy their dreams?

would do the first....and possibly the second.

Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it.

yes, that must be it.

"Here is the kicker..."

Dog one is a dream job. Unless the dog vomits in my car or something.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

lmao

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/com/1233300670.html

TO "PHISH" PEOPLE AT ALPINE VALLEY THIS WEEKENED (EAST TROY)
Reply to: comm-mkrbh-1233300✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-22, 1:31AM CDT

I HAVE LIVED OFF OF COUNTY HWY D NEAR ALPINE VALLEY FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS AND OFTEN FEEL THE RESIDUAL NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF THE CONCERTS. NEVER HAVE I HAD AN INCIDENT SUCH AS THE ONE THAT OCCURRED ON SATURDY NIGHT (JUN. 20) FOLLOWING A "PHISH" MUSICAL. OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS. WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM. I HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE. BUT I AM OLD (71 NOW) AND MADE A MISTAKE, RETURNING TO THE HOUSE TO GET A HOSE AND BUCKET. HE RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERSTATE AND I DIDNOT FOLLOW.

MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH". AND NEVER COME TO ALPINE VALLEY AGAIN. SHAME ON YOU. I AM POSTING ON CRAIGLIST BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH "PHISH" PEOPLE, WHO MY NEIGHBOR SAYS ARE MOSTLY FROM ILLINOIS OR EASTCOAST. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT. HE LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY.

* Location: EAST TROY
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

lol "A GLASS THING"

Crack pipe, obviously. You know those "PHISH" people.

So it's not your business to flag the RE; poster ? PEOPLE! don't you remember your bully days from grade school ? You allow it ,it festers! Then the bully gets more powerful and finally no one wants to come to school ! Columbine was the culmantion of what happens when you don't keep the bully at check ! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FLAG HIM ! but instead you sit back and allow it because you don't agree with my way of dealing with this deviate ! Worse you buy into the "where there is smoke ther is fire " addage Believe what you want ! I am selling ,not retailing ! You don't like the price ? the Eastern Europeans know what to do ! OFFER ME LESS Many people leave with that item at that price ! But to bitch about it openly ! SERIOUSLY ! Go back to your mother maybe she cares ! Don't cry about the price ! ALSO! What the Chinese make is done wih the blessing of the US GOV unless it sports the USA manufacturers name ! Jay Turser is not Gibson you fool ! And to call Jay Turser Shit ! You have a bigot and an idiot roled into the same panty waisted coward ! Lose your job because the chinese do it better ! Sucks to be you ! Go back to school and man up ! Or is crying going to get you another low skill job as you come to work after lunch hammered on legal drugs ! Then the troll says "nice to be here without Bob " all I did was change the text ! I never left !

hammered on legal drugs ... sucks to be you?

Ew.

http://fayar.craigslist.org/mis/1232076168.html

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/19/116450033_4266fb5229_o.jpg

Marvelous DJ needs you!!!! (Los Angeles)
Reply to: job-uw6bt-1269270✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-07-14, 7:48AM PDT

Who wants to work parties with me next March and April and this summer maybe too????

one "Marvelous DJ" needs to hire dancers and employees for Bar and Bat-mitzvah parties ASAP!!!!!!!!

No experience necessary. I'm starting a new company. I have worked for the biggest entertainer in the business for over 10 years as his assistant.

I'm so good at what I have done in the past with my old company that I will start my own shit and make bank!!!!
My boss say I can't not do this, but I dont care.

Share the wealth. Jewish people have lots of money to spend on these parties.

I need dancers & people who know what do at events like if you have bartendering, or DJing, and party hyping experience or whatever.

I don't have a website cuz I dont need one, I'm that good.

so you'll have to call me for an audtion or unless you have videos of yourself dancing. Send sexy pictures only via email. Videos are a plus.

I am willing to pay more than any other DJ company out there cuz these fools dont know there are doing!!!

I dont have an office yet but hopefully I will someday and soon as I start booking more parties. : )

So email me and I will hit you back on my cell!

Also if there is anyone that needs a good party, please please please call me. I'm just getting started on my own, but I have tons of experience and can do a great job. I will only charge $50 per hour for now to make some quick money so I can get things rolling.

bartendering.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/cto/1285176217.html

portland craigslist > clackamas co > for sale / wanted > cars & trucks - by owner

In 1982, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court. - $999 (S. Salem)

Date: 2009-07-23, 11:54AM PDT

Reply to: sale-7gnnz-1285176✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when
replying to ads?]

For a crime they didn't commit.
http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m211/jrbump/cars/bteam-1.jpg

These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Pacific Northwest underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A Team.

1979 Ford Econoline, straight six. $999 runs great, leaks auto tranny fluid so you need to add it every now and then. Roll harder than any motherfucker on the street -includes sticker ready to be applied by the new owner.

* Location: S. Salem
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1285176217

musical synthizer - $50
Date: 2009-07-24, 2:02PM EDT
Reply to: sale-cwzun-1286871✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

synthizermay need repair may not dont kno.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1301431136.html

http://images.craigslist.org/3ka3m63l5ZZZZZZZZZ9822f201ec655cc1873.jpg

I’ll carve my own path now, thank you.

"From the indie deutsche bag hipsters on the eastside..."

Auf Weidersehen, dude!

Well, looking back on my life, it’s clear which path I’ve chosen. And though there were times when I made a mess of things with impulsive and often impetuous decisions, no one can claim that I’ve opted for the easy way out.

she had to leave
los angeles
all her toys wore out in black
and her boys had too
she started to hate every nigger and jew
every mexican that gave her lotta shit
every homosexual and the idle rich

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

she gets confused
flying over the dateline
her hands turn red
cause the days change at night
change in an instant
the days change at night
change in an instant

she had to leave
los angeles
she found it hard to say goodbye to her own best friend
she bought a clock on hollywood blvd the day she left
it felt sad
it felt sad
it felt sad

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

Yesterday my gf sold a analog-to-digital converter box on Craigslist for $20. In asking for directions, the buyer asked if she would be "alone" or not when he arrived. Later that night, after the creepy old guy comes and goes, he calls to notify her that the converter box works great, and asks if she has any more items for sale.

Hilarious!

no offense to your gf but i'd think a craigslist dude asking, "will you be alone?" should result in an instant "the deal is off"

yeah, I didn't find out about that until after the deal was made and the guy had already came over. Then I suggested the same thing that you just did and came across as a wifebeating control freak.

http://asheville.craigslist.org/rnr/1306022979.html

AWW you flagged me Darn (WTFville)
Date: 2009-08-04, 6:04PM EDT
Reply To This Post

And you didn't answer the question...Not scared are you..? Don't no what to say....You ain't slow are ya boy...You a little retarted.? Got to many of uncle daddys genes in ya...? Dad breast feed you..? What's the problem why are you so fucked up..?
Come on say something dummy....! flag flag flag I know you can flag. Got any more tricks besides selling your ass to uncle daddy for twinkies and video games. Damm... Your one load your mother should have swallowed.

* Location: WTFville
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

LOL @ "A "PHISH" MUSICAL"

Also this thread's great for screen names.

very true

GOGETTERS-REAL ESTATE ASSISTANTS NEEDED, MALES&FEMALES ENCOURAGED TOO - (WHITTIER, CA)

From the Los Angeles "Artists" section today:

Unique Oil Paintings

My name is Johnny and I am an artist that specializes in oil paintings. I have been unable to sell most of my paintings and I am now running out of room to store all of my canvases. The paintings I have to offer are on 24x36 canvases and are all very unique and provocative, pushing the limits of what is accepted in society. I am giving away 6 very different and unique works in hopes that others will see my work outside of my apartment. The works I have to offer are as follows:

1) Oil Painting of a nude retarded child being pecked in the head by an ostrich
2) Oil Painting of a nun with a strap-on, skull fucking a jack-o-lantern
3) Oil Painting of President Bush getting ass fucked by a Donkey
4) Oil Painting of a Taco with human features with a huge erection, getting a blowjob from a group of illegal immigrants
5) Oil painting of a midget getting hit in the face with a pie, standing in a sewer.
6) Oil Painting of a Chinese man with a duck in his ass, smoking an opium pipe.

All of my paintings have very deep meanings to me and are all special. If you are interested please call and let me know specifically which painting you are interested in. I will only call back if I still have the one you want. This is of course, first come first serve. 310-736-1035.
Thanks Guys!
Johnny

damn i bet all of those are gone already

Science Hipsters (LA,CA)
Date: 2009-08-18, 5:50PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-kkuuw-1330396✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

New show seeks a HOST for our upcoming Science show! We need someone with a DEGREE in science with
EDGE, a hipster, fauxhawk, mohawk, tattooed, someone with great science knowledge and degree but edgy
looking who has knowledge in: Engineering, Physics or Chemistry!

Send us your photo and information as we are casting now!

Paid if Chosen

* Location: LA,CA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: paid if chosen

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html

You hit me with your Prius
Date: 2009-07-25, 3:23PM PDT

Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.
You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , thank you

Location: lynbrook
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

oh man, i love that one about the prius.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1383180711.html

I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1393112607.html

i think he posts on ilx

ya. you busted me.

Skilled operator seeking friend and PARTNER IN CRIME! - m4w - 23 (Around, you know.)
Date: 2009-09-26, 6:28PM PDT
Reply To This Post

Hello ladies & gents! I'm seeking a friend and partner in crime.

Here are some of my personal strengths and qualities:

• I'm good with animals, such as vicious dogs.
• Good with fabricating and using specialty mechanical things and tools.
• Great with maps and planning. Due to my part time day job, I have access to fantastic aerial imagery.
• Lockpicking. Pins, discs, wards, tubular, mushroom spools... all are piece of cake.
• Familiar with optics and high places, sometimes put the two together to determine when people aren't home.
• Physically small but rather strong. Underestimated!
• Great with weather. Willing to wait in the rainy woods for long time if necessary for whatever reason.
• Good "sense".

So as you can imagine the moonlighting is what truly pays the bills. But I have many weaknesses! The biggest one is that I have no skill with electronics. New alarms systems are for me just as bad as old ones, I understand neither. So if you're good with such we could make an excellent team! We should also get a nice police scanner thing going.

Another weakness is transportation... I don't have a car! A quick getaway isn't exactly feasible with a bicycle, so yeah if you have a car that's great. I combat these and other shortcomings with extreme care and timidity, but I feel like I'm asking for it and at the same time I think I can do better. I mean, we can do better.

Besides partner, I could use a new friend too. Hopefully in my age range. Oh, and I know it might be asking for too much but seriously: no drugs or smoking. At all. Not even a little. I should emphasize that except for the actual burglary, I never commit crime and we won't get along if you aren't of the same mentality. I'm into cooking, outdoor activities, some kinds of art, and explosions.

Since the whole not using drugs thing might be a bit much to ask, if you're clean but inexperienced or underequipped feel free to hit me up anyway. We'll figure something out. No car? No problem! One loaded bike might be suspicious, but two? We're just a pair of pals out on a bike ride.

Can't say why, but here's a picture of a fish. Equinox was just a few days ago, the sun sets so early now! The season is almost here and I can't wait to hear from you!

Location: Around, you know.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3nf3o33la5O05S95R599qdbc2eb74e3971ead.jpg

Porn laptop

Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.

Give me an email, price is negotiable

Location: Renton

PostingID: 1278577164

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1406819393.html

chronic masturbator is about to drive to LOS ANGELES (downtown / civic / van ness)

Date: 2009-10-19, 10:11AM PDT
Reply to: comm-x6jjb-1428243✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

what up, guys? so, it's like this...I'm a chronic masturbator and i'm heading to la right now. if you don't mind me occasionally masturbating in the car, and want a ride to socal, just hit me up with an email with your stats, sitch, name, and number and we can share some gas money and time.
peace.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1428243487

http://starwarsblog.starwars.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/halloween_bg.jpg

http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/mis/1433645488.html

fess up

I want you to give me swine flu - 18 (NE )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-10-24, 3:47PM PDT

Reply To This Post

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

give me the antibodies before it becomes a formidable threat.

Location: NE
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

You opened you over coat to my 3 preteen childern and I in the park today. We shared a moment.

Please contact with a picture of yourself. Would love to meet and explore eachother.

* Location: Sydney
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

You ate me out, I left without saying goodbye - 25
Date: 2009-10-26, 9:15PM PDT
Reply To This Post

We randomly shared a cab back to the Richmond from Polk St. You invited me in to play ping pong, which we did, then you went down on me for an hour or so while I dirty talked to you. I told you I was going to the bathroom but then I saw my pants and I saw the front door and just left instead. Sorry, I really should have told you I was leaving. It was all pretty hot, don't think I'd be up for it again but it was certainly fun! Thanks and sorry I didn't say goodbye! Also, sorry I started running when you called my name when I was half way down the block and you realized I was gone.

Free Appetizers and a few drinks for one strange person (cleveland)
Date: 2009-11-18, 6:13PM EST

thats right, sounds pretty damn sweet huh. all u have to do is pretend you are me (i'm pretty awesome), for my 10 yr
high school reunion, i cant go, and i want someone to go there and make me look like an asshole. you will get a free
ticket ($25 value), and approx. $20 for alcohol and/or drugs. i don't have the drugs, you'll have to get those yourself.

send a picture and description, don't care much about the description, but send a picture.

light houses rule

Location: cleveland

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ssd/res/1476757044.html

1985 graphics today!

speling lulzes

$1300 / 2br - BEATIFULL CONDO (SOUTH OF VENTURA BLVD. ) (map)
Date: 2009-12-17, 11:44PM PST
Reply to: hous-dvmhy-1515419✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

• RENT : $ 1300.00
• SECURITY DEPOSIT: $ 500.00
 AVAILABLE: DESEMBER. 2009

 PHONE : 818-578-6542
 E-MAIL: LUDMILAL✧✧✧@YA✧✧✧.C✧✧

 LISTING TYPE : SHORT LEASE 3 TO 6 MONTHS
 BATHROOMS: 2
 STRUCTURE TYPE: CONDOS
 UNIT DETAILS : FIRST FLOOR
 PARKING: GATED GARAGE, 2 CAR SIDE BY SIDE
 STORAGE: AVAILABLE

AMENITIES:
 TILE/LAMINATE FLOOR
 POOL/ SANA
 REFRIGERATOR
 STOVE
 MICROVAVE
 DISHWASHER
 WASHER AND DRYER IN UNIT
 WET BAR
 PATIO

 PAID AMENITIES:
 WATER & HOT WATER &TRASH

 BEATIFULL LARGE 1500 SQF. VERY PRIVET UNIT. LOCATED IN A QUIET PRESTIGE NIEGBOREHOOD. CENTRAL AIR/HEAT , RENOVATED FLOORS, CUSTOM PAINT, COMFORTABLE FLOOR PLAN .VERY PIECFULL STREET WITH LOTS OF EXTRAORDINARY TREES. WALKING DISTANCE TO SHOPPING, RESTAURENTS, COFFEE SHOPS, MOVIES, PARKS.

Dance to "Techno" Music? (Downtown Portland)
Date: 2009-12-25, 9:24AM PST

I study at PSU and looking for someone who's interested in dancing to electronic musik with blaring synth, hard bass, & rhythm.

We can share music & dance, mess around etc...make it fun!

I practice regularly here on campus in the dance studio or private classrooms during evening by myself.

I also have access to another private studio space with nice hardwood floor, mirror, & lounging furnitures (in downtown, near the clubs/old town area).

It's fun, good exercise, and FREE!

So if you're in decent shape and can move around without hurting yourself, then please join me. I'll teach you.

Jumping is not a crime

Location: Downtown Portland
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I posted an ad to sell this old drum machine I don't use anymore. In the subject line, I put the word "vintage" in parentheses. This is the response I got:

Look jagoff, the f'cking word VINTAGE is not for a digital drum machine made 2 decades ago - learn what the F'CK the word really means and change your ad to reflect the correct terms.

Why the f'ck the liberal f'cking schools have mis-taught f'cking idiots like you to take whatever f'cking term people decide is the new word to use and wrongly apply it to something like this is a f'cking wonder.

So, get your f'cking terminology right - vintage would be for a REALLY old, like 50's or 40's guitar, or even a 60's keyboard, but NOT a f'cking late 80's drum machine IDIOT.

And, additionally, Alesis doesn't have one f'cking thing that could be considered VINTAGE yet idiot!

tempted to just write back "it's spelled 'fucking'" but I don't really want to give him my real email.

Wow, that guy is really angry! One might argue disproportionately so.

vintage is a state of mind

you should just post like 5 more fake ads for vintage drum machines

except make them from like, 2008

You really should email him back from a fake email address if that is possible.

For Sale: vintage Zoom RhythmTrak

This guy would be really fun to buy wine with

Wow, that really is something....

I recently posted a bunch of records on craigslist, under the ad title "techno and house records"; the description also said "techno and house records", (and never was there a single thing written that would suggest otherwise), and I listed every record, with artist, title and label. I got someone ready to take them all, then (after asking me to meet him deep in the suburbs) he writes to me "and also i just want to make sure that there in good condish and there all like rnb hiphop elictro and all that ?"
It turned out he was in grade 9 and did a lot of high school parties.
I ended up selling them to another dude (aged 18, actually - it's good to see young people in the vinyl exchange, actually).

Still, that's no lecture of the semantics of vintage (frankly, he's right, it's all the liberal school's fault).

Visitor to Earth seeks Personal Assistant (Marina Del Rey)
Date: 2010-02-19, 11:57PM PST
Reply to: gigs-khbmj-1609253✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Recent arrival seeks driver/guide assistant to enable me to effectively communicate and interact with others to assist in the advancement of humanity, the preservation of life and protection of the planet. computer savvy near westside a plus,

* Location: Marina Del Rey
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Yes

PostingID: 1609253218

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1608785048.html

'Chan' Marie Marshall, I ________ you. - m4w - 37 (East Village)
Date: 2010-02-19, 6:12PM EST
Reply To This Post

Hey Cat Power,

I tried writing your record company to see about sending along a note of thanks for your incredible music. Never heard back. It's a wacky, wacky world and I totally understand and respect any reluctance to accept fan mail. So I'll just tell you here and now. I was a fan the minute I picked up "What Would the Community Think" way back when. I drifted a bit after that--life (a marriage, a kid, a cheating spouse and a divorce) got in the way, and your music was suddenly too intense for me. Ten years later and in a much better spot I tried out "The Greatest" and was... well, to put it mildly: I was astounded. That music really spoke to me. Every damn one of those songs. The album was in constant rotation wherever I was--driving, work, home--for at least six months, nearly to the exclusion of everything else. I've never listened to another album as much. Then, naturally, time passed and I put it away. More time passed, Jukebox came out, and I dug it immensely as well (Song to Bobby is such a beautiful piece). I've been on a Tom Waits/Townes Van Sandt/alt. country binge for a year now, but earlier this week I put "The Greatest" on the PA at work while I mopped up the floor (I work at a beautiful historic theatre in NW Washington) and I was, um, floored again.

So I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all that you have struggled through and all the effort--physical and emotional--that you put into bringing your music to my life, to all of our lives. I hope this note finds you in good spirits and in good health.

A friend in the Northwest. Just for the asking.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1608785048

Editing / Literary backing (sonoma)

Date: 2010-02-20, 10:09PM PST
Reply to: job-pxzp6-1610613✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am looking for someone who could help me edit and then market and publish, if possible. It has taken me 8 yrs to write this book. It is 512 pages, formatted . It is nonfiction, and it is about my own lifetime experience as a meth addict of 24 years. I have researched the history of the drug, when it was first made, why, and by whom, and what its intended use was. I illustrate what it is to be high on meth. What kind of thoughts go through a user’s head, how one is easily sidetracked and distracted from their goals, dreams, and every day focus. The narrative is myself speaking to the reader, telling them my story. Using my narrative, I convey my own thought processes in their exact (sic) spelling. I have also attempted to self-analyze my psychological reasons for letting something so awful take over my life. I give a lot of explicit details on incidences in my childhood which I feel directly contributed to my all-consuming addiction. I once I.Q.’d a test and scored 135. I was tested as a gifted child already in the 2nd grade, and drug addiction happened to me. It can happen easily to anyone. The book has wild, wild things I have done while I was high on speed, and delving below the surface layers why the speed only enhanced the reasons behind those wild actions. The speed sent me off on hundreds of thousands of thrill seeking stupidity issues, and I take the reader there with me. I am a single mother, and this book has been complete for a year now. It just needs editing. In that last year I have been able to contribute 5 hours to editing. I need help! Only 4 people have read portions of this book to date, and all have given me extremely positive feedback. One of these people co-owns Marshall Media Management, and offered her critique of my book as a favor to my brother. She suggested where I might want to add details, etc. At the end, she chose a sound trac for the movie opening, which she simply concluded was inevitable. No way! A movie?! Hmmm. Another reader was my daughter’s 6th grade schoolteacher, who is a graduate of U.C. Berkeley. When he finished, he just turned, looked me in my eyes, and quietly said, “I’m honored”.…after only 10 pages! Audiences it would, appeal to are: Anyone interested in the psychology of someone who has a meth problem; cops, behaviorist studyists (sp?), anyone interested in a glamour-type story, family members with a loved one who is addicted, and would like to know more details, want to help, want to understand, anyone who might just be starting out using the stuff, and are curious on what could happen to them. Other drug addicts, just for reading entertainment and some positive input to make them more committed to quitting, and how easy quitting can be. Inspirational psychology, spiritual, hope, love, anyone who wants to explore an inherently good person’s experiences with the drug world subculture from a distance, which distance is recommended.

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/wri/1610613671.html

The history of the drug,
when it was first made, why, and by whom,
and what its intended use was.

I illustrate what it is to be
high on meth.

What kind of thoughts go through a user’s head,
how one is easily sidetracked and distracted
from their goals, dreams, and every day focus.

The narrative is myself speaking to the reader,
telling them my story. Using my narrative,
I convey my own thought processes
in their exact (sic) spelling.

What I'm saying is, that passage read like a 17th century title page, just needs a weird woodcut of a Meth User.

attn: guy fieri!

Rolling Stone LA seeks experienced Rock n Roll Head Chef (Hollywood, CA)
Date: 2010-02-22, 12:24PM PST
Reply to: job-zaxrf-1612861✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

ROLLING STONE LA

Nothing in the world brings people together like music. And there's no greater music magazine in the world than Rolling Stone.

Bringing the best of the iconic magazine to life, Rolling Stone LA will open at Los Angeles’s popular Hollywood and Highland Center in the summer of 2010. Ideally situated among some of the country’s most famous and historic attractions, including the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Grauman’s Chinese Theater and the Kodak Theatre, the multi-level Rolling Stone LA venue will encompass more than 10,000-square feet and serve as an exciting blend of equal parts restaurant, bar, lounge and upscale private-event space.

The spectacular interior space will feature black brick, tufted leather and vaulted ceilings throughout. The restaurant will feature both indoor and outdoor seating perfect for lunch, watching a game or even grabbing a late-night meal. The bar and lounge will be the ideal location for a night out in Hollywood with music from some of LA’s hottest DJs, a dance floor, impeccable service and multiple areas for private parties.

Rolling Stone LA will reflect the progressive timelessness for which Rolling Stone is known, and will soon be one of the city’s premier dining and entertainment destinations.

Rolling Stone LA is currently seeking a Rock and Roll Head Chef!
Our menu is American Faire with a Tex Mex Flair.

Qualified applicants must have a minimum of 4 years experience in high volume restaurants in excess of 500 covers nightly. We are looking for an “in the trenches” Head Chef who can run the kitchen from either side of the window. Chef will also interact with customers and staff in the restaurant. This 200 seat restaurant will be open 7 days a week for lunch and dinner and will also serve a late night menu. Applicant must be creative with menu design and have experience with very large high end special events. This position is responsible for all kitchen management from staffing, ordering, inventory, cost controls, training, quality control, etc. Only the very best need apply!

Please email your cover letter, resume, salary requirements, list of references and past clients, and a current photo.

No applicants will be accepted at location. No exceptions!
We are not accepting applications for any other positions at this time.

* Location: Hollywood, CA
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1612861291

"behaviorist studyists"

ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo

Date: 2010-01-01, 5:15PM EST

Amazing condition for being over (70 years old) but still works great .
Was my great Grandma's, and passed down to my grandma, and then to my mother. my wife was not interested in it so I need to sell ASAP need money for christmas.

--------------------thank you---------------------
Hennry j

* Location: nutley park

http://images.craigslist.org/3k23me3l55Q65W15S0a416b7119a863ca1788.jpg

http://semo.craigslist.org/cto/1672266524.html

This was a project my grandfather worked on when I was a kid, and it used to terrify me, as I have an inexplicable fear of these evil creatures. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the month, as I owe child support and don’t have the cash to cover it at the moment. This was built off of the frame of an otherwise perfect 1986 Yugo Cabrio.

I want it!!!!!!

it's only $150, and you can control the tail and shoot water out the spout.

Not street legal,

damn

BEST JOB FOR FUTURE
Date: 2010-04-09, 5:02PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-95med-1684773✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

SALE HALF PRICE PRINTING AND COMPUTER SERVICE AND RECIVE RESIDUL , LEAVE MASSAGE WE WILL CALL

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: YES

PostingID: 1684773306

Starting a Small, Attitude-Free Party (Hollywood/WeHo)
Date: 2010-04-07, 5:24PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-xbvk5-1681488✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Reply for details if you agree with the following statement:

--"I am sick of attending events at generic one-word clubs (Playhouse, Kress, Ecco, Area, etc.) that are hosted by impersonal, douchebag promoters who obnoxiously mass text all of their so-called friends and pretend to have power at a club filled with Creepers wearing Affliction/Ed-Hardy, Losers buying bottle service just to get in, and Vacuous wafer-thin girls who have no personality and think they are entitled to everything."

* Location: Hollywood/WeHo
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

PostingID: 1681488028

1943 Mein Kampf signed by author - $300 (Glendale CA)

Date: 2010-04-20, 12:26PM PDT
Reply to: sale***********✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

1943 edition of Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler in German. Signed by the author.

Fairly good conidition - no missing or torn pages.

Note: I am not a white supremacist. I do not care if you are or not. I see this book for what it is - a means of profit. Others might find historical, political, or linguistic relevence. Serious inquiries only.

Location: Glendale CA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/bks/1701618039.html

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l18proi3tJ1qzpwi0o1_r2_500.png

Vagina Dendata.

"signed by the author"!

Thats some real cloak and dagger spy shit right there. Seduce the enemy then slip away with the secret plans.

hmmm my flash drive went missing a few weeks ago. guess i know where to look now.

Man posted fake orgy invite on Craigslist at neighbour’s house

Was that you at the River Market? - m4w (Little Rock) 29yr

I was the guy in the green Ed Hardy tee that bought you a shot of Grey Goose. You had on a pair of low rise jeans and a blue halter top. You said you were graduating from UALR in the summer, and I told you that I had graduated from UAM a few years back and was getting into making amateur movies. We were supposed to go back to my place, but your friends grabbed you and made you leave with them. I never got a number, but if you remember this, tell your friends to go fuck off. If you look up cock blocker in the dictionary there's a picture of the fat friend you had that looked like Big Pun and the little Mini-You that wore the exact same colors as you. You were hot, but your friends looked like Abe Vigoda and Betty White and were very jealous that for the 154th straight night you were getting hit on and they were buying the guys drinks. You will never be happy around them, and neither will other men.

LINK!

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/mis/1710260077.html

Mark It's Barbie time (Back of your Benz)

Date: 2010-04-11, 11:19PM CDT
Reply To This Post

Yo... Hoe.. I miss you when you coming back to the az and putting on your wings for a little flight to Bakersfield!
Your still my favorite slut when it comes to cocktails vintage adds and lets face it Furs!
my pussy misses you and want you back.. in the hood, bring that man with you !
When you get here lets go vintage shopping and laugh at nothing all day, do not make me come out there and go digging for diamonds..
whataburger wants you ... yummy
your favorite air mattress
XOXOXOXOXOX

MEOW MEOW>>>

Location: Back of your Benz
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

What I'm saying is, that passage read like a 17th century title page, just needs a weird woodcut of a Meth User.

― Dark Notion (Abbott), Monday, February 22, 2010 10:54 AM Bookmark

this really cracked me up for the record

Barbie time reads like Peaches lyrics

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/1727067145.html

Ned's:

The funeral service was wonderful. It was a sad day to mourn the loss of your father...but you looked terrific...All I could think about is being with you. You looked so sexy all dressed in black..loved the boots they were so hot. I think we get together for a drink. I know now you are mourning but maybe next week.

very thoughtful of him to wait a week

Entry level CAD Designer

Job responsibilities include, but are not limited to creating drawing layouts, apply dimensioning and tolerances
and creating bills of materials.

Must be efficient with AutoCad and Pro-Engineering / Wildfire.

Internship is available from now until the end of September, 2010.

To qualify:
1) applicant must be a parent of a minor child OR
be 18-21 years old.
2) be unemployed

WTF with those qualifications?

They want someone so desprate for work that they would put up with being treated like shit/paid peanuts?

can assume that w/ just about anyone looking for a job tho

They want someone so desprate for work that they would put up with being treated like shit/paid peanuts?

― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Wednesday, May 12, 2010 9:42 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yah this pretty much my life

http://atlanta.craigslist.org/eat/mis/1767267030.html

I want to give you a Super Baby - m4w - 40 (Decatur)

Date: 2010-05-30, 7:13PM EDT
Reply To This Post

Ladies, I have a serious question about your desires to have a child. What traits would you prefer you child to have? Are you aware that there is a chance that your child is going to be similar to the man that you have your child by. So with that said why you have a baby by a regular guy instead of having a baby by a “Superman”.
I am a DDF black male that would like to donate his sperm in helping you have the child of your dreams. Let me list my best traits:
1) Great memory runs in my family.
2) I am very smart.
3) Height runs in my family where I have several members over 6-5.
4) Great strength runs in the family. My daddy once picked up the front end of a car.
5) I love to read books.
6) I wanted to start school at age 3 and start college at age 10.
7) Good manners and behavior runs in my family.
8) Surprise people with my speed and quickness.
9) My grandmother had straight black hair and I have “good hair” when cut.
10) Men in my family are concerned handsome.

Why I am doing this? A few years back, I helped a woman have a baby and she has been thrilled with the child and said she has never seen a child like that. Her kid get up every morning at read books. Her kid has a great memory and in fact, she knows where every thing is located in Kroger and the child is only 2. The child wanted a doll she saw on TV and all I did was take her to the store and she picked the exact she saw on TV. She can carry on a conversion and recognized people even on the phone. She is very quick and fast. She is very powerful for a two year old. She has very thick and pretty hair. The child is smarter that most adults. Now ladies if it is your desire to have a baby that can grow up to do something in life, I am the guy for you.

She is very powerful for a two year old

Ladies! Here's your golden chance to have my babies. I guarantee you will be thrilled with my offspring. And I do this all for free!

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/lgl/1780561776.html

False Accusation of Child Molestation-- need help (chicago)

Date: 2010-06-07, 7:35PM CDT
Reply to: job-y9xha-1780561✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I've been falsely accused of child molestation. There is no proof that it happened because it didn't. I'm accused with one other and they have dragged the Mormon church into this because of their deep pockets. I have nothing, so they are hoping the church will settle which they won't because we have substantial evidence that this person is and was mentally ill and is in this for the money. In addition, this was all investigated before in criminal court 10 years ago and it was dismissed. DCFS also investigated 10 years ago at the same time and declared that it was unfounded as well. The accuser recently turned 21 so she is taking advantage of being able to file a civil suit for money, as is her attorney, of course. I can't afford an attorney so any help would be useful. Since the church is involved, they have hired the best in the country, a local Chicago firm. I'm just a poor co defendant and I'm in way over my head.

This could be good case for a law student.

let me know if you have any ideas.

thanks.

Location: chicago
Compensation: none, just a very interesting case. Very good for a resume. Possible high profile exposure
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 1780561776

In my professional legal opinion, that person is crazy.

http://ignoredprayers.blogspot.com/2010/06/beat-it.html?zx=18d025411962282f

Hehehe. Hehe. Hahaha. (See above: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html)

I'm a straight bro. As in not gay...I'M NOT GAY.

Just a little conflicted, that's all.

We are looking for a nanny for our three year old boy. We would love someone who's Hispanic or from Tibet. You must have extensive experience and references we can verify. We would like someone who's 35 to 43 years old, and preferably someone who's a mother herself.

We offer a good salary. We live in Manhattan, so you should be willing to relocate and move to New York City. All travel expenses would be covered. If you're interested please get in touch as soon as possible. Thanks!

Location: LA / New York City
Compensation: salary dependent on experience
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

tibet is like hispain rite

LADERA RANCH – A man on Staveley Court called police at about 4 a.m. Monday after a woman he found on Craigslist took money from him without "providing proper services and he feels this is improper," according to police logs.

The man had contacted a girl from a Craigslist ad with a picture and a phone number. She was to perform a "sexy dance" for $200, money paid up-front, according to the log.

The girl that arrived was older than the girl in the picture, "causing the informant to reconsider," the log states. When he told the girl to keep $20 for gas and give him back the rest of his money, the girl refused and left with the entire $200.

The man – whose mother was there and was "angry about it as well" – decided not to file a report.
Police said no one was arrested because there is no law against a "sexy dance." Deputies did not make contact with the woman from the ad, and it appears she kept the money, police said.

there is no law against a "sexy dance."

http://www.oneinhundred.com/Upfiles/upimg5/Foam-hand-cheering-mitt-with-U-4846615.jpg

http://dvdmedia.ign.com/dvd/image/footloose_6.jpg

He had a point. I mean...

[busted image removed]

http://www.jasonbennion.com/images/kevin-bacon_footloose.jpg

^^^Illegal in 48 states.

My mom's proudest accomplishment is growing up near the barn or silo or whatever in Utah where they filmed Footloose.

is "accomplishment" the right word?

Princess Cut Engagement Set - $2000
Date: 2010-06-17, 12:40AM EDT
Reply to: sale-cu9nc-1796190✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Engagement Ring Set............New Never Used........Unlike the Bride to Be who I Found in the middle of a Gang Bang after arriving home early from an out of town business trip!

http://louisville.craigslist.org/jwl/1796190452.html

We would love someone who's Hispanic or from Tibet.

I'm guessing this means "if possible, we would like you to also do a second job as a tutor for our preferred languages/cultures"

Engagement Ring Set............New Never Used........Unlike the Bride to Be who I Found in the middle of a Gang Bang after arriving home early from an out of town business trip!

For sale: baby shoes, never worn (Gang Bang)

Not hilarious, just awesome:

http://inlandempire.craigslist.org/cto/1797203687.html

wd

when does "found wife fucking some dudes" become "found wife in a gang bang."

4 guys? 3?

We would love someone who's Hispanic or from Tibet.

There are a lot of Tibetan nannies here in the Bay Area, probably second only to latinas in number (and level of desperation/work ethic). It can be very hard for Tibetans with limited language skills to find other employment because there really aren't that many Tibetan-run businesses.

(need to see the attached photos, too)

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/bik/1818360923.html

Divorcing my almost NEW Giant XTC 2 - $750 (Cabbagetown)

Date: 2010-06-29, 11:07PM EDT
Reply to: sale-4dyu9-1818360✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Me - We need to talk
ME - I... I don't think we should see each other anymore

XTC = What! Why?

ME - It's not you, I swear.

XTC - I'm too big... that's it isn't it!

ME = no, not at all... Hell, I'm 6'. technically I'm too big for you.

XTC - Is it my shifters? You don't like the Deore's anymore...

ME - No! I'm telling you it's me, you're perfect. You ride better than any other bike

XTC - What!!! you ass hole! you've been riding other bikes!
XTC - god I can't believe you!

ME - Yes, ok I admit it! you're just too... hybrid for me.

XTC - Her shocks are bigger aren't they.

ME - god dammit, can we not... please.

XTC - I hate you. As soon as I find someone new I'm leaving.

ME - hahaha, don't make me laugh, what are you gunna do, post a classified on Craigslist?

.... ... ... ...

Fuck you Giant.XTC 2.... I hate you... even though we were only together for less than a year, you let me ride you maybe 10 times! I never want to see you again.
Here are all the naked pictures I have of you... I hope everyone see's what a skank you are.
slut
pickup only

Location: Cabbagetown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Needs a pic of two people riding it.

HA HAHAHHAAAA GA a g a gaga aggahh aha hahahaa

that shot of the bike infront of the wine glasses!!!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_t28o-vRErpM/TEdRT9eA0uI/AAAAAAAAHHY/2mS6r9Tr1ZE/s1600/Picture+1.png

http://i30.tinypic.com/aahh7t.jpg

http://i28.tinypic.com/24fheo0.jpg

straight guys only no gay stuff

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five ...

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven...

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

bedazzler

http://i.imgur.com/f84tw.jpg

"PS: and I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now"

http://i.imgur.com/sIxbC.png

Oh please. That is so cursed.

Why are the Bros. Quay just giving their stuff away like that?

Does it come with a monkey paw?

From missed connections:

dear upstairs neighbor - w4m (columbus)
Date: 2010-08-02, 3:59AM EDT
Reply To This Post

i can hear you when you're doing it. not just the idea, but all the details - her, you, the change in pitch and urgency, the furniture, &c. most people would have complained already, but the thing is that i'm kind of a pervert.
today she finished once, i finished three times.

in short: life is short, and we are young, and love is fleeting, and our walls and floors are thin, so please feel free to continue to seize the moment.

if that makes you feel awkward, then you really should be more courteous of your neighbors in the first place.
buuut. if you like it... by all means, please continue!

cheers.

I always appreciate an eavesdropping perv who knows how to lay down an old-school "&c."

and a tart 'cheers'

that lengthy m4w posted upthread by Barnaby, Hardly is a firestorm of OTM, fwiw

it's close to the edge at times but he never veers into the all out territory i feared.

i gotta admit i was squinting at the name at the bottom trying to make it look like yrs tho

yeah I was expecting batshit megalomaniac idiocy but actually the dude fucking nails it

well ur the feminist dude but i wouldn't say he nailed it, but he maybe showed good restraint while writing about a subject that still clearly pissed him off.

uh, no

cool max let's hear yr refutation

im not sure a 1000-word screed about why some guy with no sense of social cues wont buy girls drinks needs 'refutation'

I definitely wouldn't say he nailed it amirite

buy the girl a fucking drink, or dont, but if she gets mad at you when you dont, deal with it.jpg

but, assuming what he says is true, he did deal with it! with quite some panache! also he seems quite good at spotting social cues

i guess i just dont really "get" that story

like is it a story about how cool that guy is?

i dunno, i can't really endorse the part where he's "look what a good guy i am, i bought a drink for a fat girl so she wouldn't feel left out! wouldn't sleep with her, of course, ew, good thing i had an open-minded friend."

shit i missed that part, but i was skimming.

guys who have lengthy bullet-pointed reasons why they dont buy drinks for girls are not "cool guys"

"social cues" means that ladies always drink free?

I can see where "Are you going to buy me a drink?" could be flirting, but it's kind of classless in that after that amount of time it was pretty obvious that he wasn't, and she could have either ordered her own drink, or moved on. That "have fun with the fatty" shit was just rude, though.

tbf they're numbered and not bullet-pointed. Like, the order matters, man.

the guy sounds like an aspie dick

i just dont really get why that craigslist post exists, or what people find humorous or interesting about it, is it that the girl who was flirting with him at the bar and asked for a drink got her 'comeuppance' or something?

He's trying way too hard to make a point, but you have to admit, max, that a number of women (and men) buy into this social norm that girls are supposed to get bought drinks by men as some sort of social convention. imo this dude is being a dick, but she's leaning on what's less of a chivalrous custom and more of a continuation of inequality to get drinks

omg it's happening again

yeah on the list of things that bug me "the dynamic of buying drinks at bars" is far far lower than "craigslist essays about how cool some guy is"

like "inequality" is not really a word that should enter into that conversation

women getting paid less per hour on average than men is "inequality"
the social custom of men buy drinks with women is "anachronistic" and "sort of silly"

i dunno, i can't really endorse the part where he's "look what a good guy i am, i bought a drink for a fat girl so she wouldn't feel left out! wouldn't sleep with her, of course, ew, good thing i had an open-minded friend."

this doesn't bother me. he got her involved, had a conversation, brought her into his world, and although she wasn't necessarily his type, his social world contained a dude she clicked with. no problems there. it isn't condescending, it's exhibiting decency towards a fellow human who's also not quite at home in this sort of social situation

fwiw I am not particularly comfortable (although still confusingly effusive) at late-night bars either so I fully sympathise