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I was molested at 9 and then again at 14.

My parents split at an early age, and then my father left.

I have had anger and confusion towards him for a long time

i have extensive mental illness and depression, and seek out companions

I am not sure I am happy being queer, and i am afraid that i would be plain and uninteresting if i wasn't

Often it is a way of social climbing, of getting postions and having an angle.
was i born liking to fuck men, or was i led there by these factors ?

anthony, Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:14 (nineteen years ago) link

do you like to fuck men now?

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:17 (nineteen years ago) link

No one is born liking to fuck anyone or anything. That doesn't mean you chose to be gay though and I doubt you could really choose not to be. But you could choose to live a hyper-repressed "straight" life of misery and lies. Plenty of people have.

Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:19 (nineteen years ago) link

i think my q. is u&k.

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:21 (nineteen years ago) link

i like to fuck ,and have never fucked a woman.

anthony easton (anthony), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:31 (nineteen years ago) link

but do you currently like to fuck MEN?

jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:41 (nineteen years ago) link

Jesus, who knows? When you're fucking men, do you forget all the other stuff?

Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Thursday, 31 October 2002 04:47 (nineteen years ago) link

Just do whatever you want to do. Just slap on the easy label of "bi" and be done with it. As cliched as it sounds, you'd be much better off forgetting about all these stupid labels.

You're you, and we love you. Hooray.

Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 31 October 2002 05:19 (nineteen years ago) link

yeah, fucking is about people, not gender. i imagine that what made you sleep with the boys you have slept with (since being molested, that is) is attraction to those people, not attraction to some non-specific idea of 'male', right? i like to think i've been attracted to the women i've dated because they were them, not because they fit an idea of what it was that i was looking for. or maybe a better way to phrase the question is, which came first: attraction to *a boy*, or attraction to *boys*?

Dave M. (rotten03), Thursday, 31 October 2002 05:38 (nineteen years ago) link

i read andrew's post as: '...just slap on a bit of baby oil and be done with it'

s magnet, Thursday, 31 October 2002 11:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Most people have some sort of gender tastes, wherever it came from. My difficulty with the question is that heterosexuals never ask 'was it this event/trauma/pattern that made me a heterosexual' - and I have known quite a few people who were abused as a child, and I can't say that I've noticed any greater proportion of gay people among these than in the population generally. However you came to prefer men, you prefer men. Don't let that put you off falling for a woman, if it happens, but don't feel obliged to try it either.

And we all love you for you - if you stopped having sex with men, do you think any of us (excluding any men you are having sex with) would go off you in the slightest?

Having said that, abuse causing anger and depression is a much more logical cause-effect relationship, and is something that should be addressed - counselling and drug approaches are worth trying. This seems to me to have nothing significant or clear to do with your sexuality.

Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 31 October 2002 12:54 (nineteen years ago) link

i am afraid that i would be plain and uninteresting if i wasn't

Fear not, Anthony! You could never be plain or uninteresting, queer or not.

Miss Laura, Thursday, 31 October 2002 12:57 (nineteen years ago) link

"Just slap on the easy label of "bi" and be done with it. As cliched as it sounds, you'd be much better off forgetting about all these stupid labels."

Sorry Andrew, I definitely respect the sentiments behind it, but this particular argument has always bugged me (I'm sure I've complained about it elsewhere on ILX) . Being comfortable with your sexuality is U & K, and trying to wish the issue away with platitudes has never worked for any non-hetero person I've ever spoken to on the subject. If you have a stable and functioning personality then you probably have a consequent label, even if you can't articulate what it is. The relevant questions are: who is doing the labelling, are you happy with the one you've got, and is there a better one?

Anthony, my qs for you:

1) What do you consider to be the problems with the way you live?
2) Are these problems a direct result (ie. unequivocally referable) of fucking men, a direct result of being queer, or a direct result of some other part of your life?
3) How do you think changing any one of these would improve your situation?

My instinctive suspicion is that your sexual orientation has little to do with your negative childhood experiences, although it was very like shaped by them and a million other events and occurences in your life. Even if there is a strong connection, I don't think the causes of your sexuality are anywhere near as important as the results - if your sexuality is making you unhappy, then you have to isolate the problem and solve it. If your sexuality is making you happy, then who cares what situation(s) it sprang from?
Further, 90% of humanity is unhappy with its love-life and/or sex-life. Non-hetero people have the added burden of this dissatisfaction tending to undermine their confidence in themselves and their sexuality. In the end though, matching up the best-case scenario of the other side of the fence (a happy and adjusted straight guy with a devoted, engaging and sexually attractive wife) with the worst case scenario of your current path only results in an ideal dream that is a million times harder to create on earth. Most straight guys have a hard time attaining that, and they have the added advantage of wanting to have sex with women all the time.

(I also strongly suspect that you like to fuck men because you are in on the secret that hot slutty fremme neppa venette action with other guys is best)

Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Thursday, 31 October 2002 14:07 (nineteen years ago) link

Further, 90% of humanity is unhappy with its love-life and/or sex-life.

I think that's a conservative estimate.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 31 October 2002 15:24 (nineteen years ago) link

anthony ROX u r all GAY


jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 15:26 (nineteen years ago) link

''Further, 90% of humanity is unhappy with its love-life and/or sex-life.''

what is this 'sex life'?

Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 31 October 2002 15:33 (nineteen years ago) link

Yay for Tim F eh wot??? *hugs to anthony*

Sarah (starry), Thursday, 31 October 2002 15:39 (nineteen years ago) link

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