The Tragedie of Michael Jackson, King of Pop

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On the Koons thread, Anthony complained of Jeff Koons that 'he seems to be obsessed w. the "tragedy of michael jackson".'

To which I responded: As a way into western culture, The Tragedy Of Michael Jackson seems better than most. I think if Shakespeare were around today, that's one he would jump at. In fact if we were a much cleverer board, we'd have a thread in which we improvised 'The Tragedie of Michael Jackson, King of Pop', each taking one role.


Michael Jackson, King of Pop
Lady Jackson, his estranged lady wife
Diverse and sundrie apes
Macaulay Culkin, the Young Friend
Gonnoreah, the king's favourite daughter
Dr Thaddeus Thrush, Genital Doctor of Californie
The Jackson wassailers
Dr Wax, Facial Surgeon
A Tragicke chorus of Sony executives
Weird Al Yankovich, The Fool

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:19 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: There comes a time in the life of every man
When he must confront the tragedie of not being Peter Pan
And so, without further ado, nor trumpet tattoo, nor klaxon
We proudlie present to you The Tragedie of Michael Jackson

(Alarum, voices in the courtyard)

But hush, what commotion is this? Methinks the king or someone else arrives. I'll to to the arrass, conceal myself and watch what business shall unfold!

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:23 (seventeen years ago) link


JM, Monday, 28 October 2002 05:24 (seventeen years ago) link

So it seems logical for Momus to take the role of Fool?

*waits for rim shots*

JM, Monday, 28 October 2002 05:25 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: Who are these varlets, that do parlay in so strange a tongue?

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Come now, there's an actual libretto in here if we work at it. Pity I suck at iambic pentameter, though...

THE KING OR SOMEONE ELSE: Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Paying me money for what they get for free.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:30 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: Ah, 'tis Jackson! My, how his hair has grown!
It must be grief, for well he knows, he's grown a man
The king will never see the right side of 40 again.

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:33 (seventeen years ago) link

THE KING: Bring forth the tank of air, my raiment!
I must yet swathe myself in the folds of youth
Lest the Grim Reaper again threaten my peace
With his eternally clicking teeth and scythe
Like the beats on a notably poor remix
Go, servants, run forth now to my chambers!
My patience soon reaches its inevitable climax.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 05:43 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: The king seems tired and beat, although invincible
Appetites must linger in him still, unquenchable
I wonder, will he take his monkey Bubbles to his chamber
Or his Young Friend Macaulay? -- yet there's the danger!
The winds that blow, and time's irreversible flow hath meant
That young Macaulay, past th' age of consent
Is now too large to fit the monarch's airy tent!

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:07 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: But lo, here come three men with writs
Each eager visage like unto a spider's
Waving papers which most forcefully submit
That both the King and Sony's legal advisors
Command our pantomime, so innocent, so freshly-writ
To end unfinshed, and forthwith!

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:15 (seventeen years ago) link

And it was all going so well! As it is, my understanding of the whole child abuse thing, thanks to a post from either Maura or Jody Beth that provided a link to an in-depth study of the affair, was that it was dreamed up as a form of legal extortion aimed at Jackson.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:18 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: But sire! What ails thee? Art thou possess'd
With the ghost of a ragget mere?
Then there can truly be no tragedy here!

[Prompter under the floorboards, urgent hiss: 'The script! The script!']

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:22 (seventeen years ago) link

exeunt omnes

electric sound of jim (electricsound), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:23 (seventeen years ago) link

(Fanfare, THE KING exits, LADY JACKSON enters)

LADY JACKSON: Oh fool, what brings you to this chamber?
Prithee tell, what gossip you may bear.
Does the King molest the boys?
Or has he bought more expensive toys -
Or both! We cannot ever know
what Michael has, but doesn't show.

Andrew (enneff), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:26 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: 'Tis not the job o' the fool, my lady fair
To answer queries such as these, but rather
Hold up a mirror to the vanity
Of mortals greater and more rich than he
So let me turn the question round on principle
And ask, when last the king showed interest in your gerunds and participles?

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:31 (seventeen years ago) link

LADY JACKSON: Hold thy tongue, lacivious brute,
Per'aps retire, and play the lute,
Our converse found it's merry end,
and with you now no time I'll spend
for I have busy work to do - the tabliods, for an interview.


Andrew (enneff), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dost thou look at the man in the mirror?
Dost thou dare ask him to seek change his ways?
For while the king did slumber in immodest
repose, hip-hop rises and samples forth.
The townsfolk in flannel and cardigan
no entertainment but now authentic
unadorned emotion crave and howl.
The moonwalk is the past, not the future.

Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:40 (seventeen years ago) link

We're going to have to end this scene sometime if this is to continue at all sensibly.

Andrew (enneff), Monday, 28 October 2002 06:45 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: Now shall we have some sport!
Another fool is here in th' court!
Impostor, or motley gone astray
From netherworlds or Neverlands far away?
I shall address him. Knave! What brings you here
With news of the moon, and future forms
Of poesie? Do you, by 'rap', by Jove, bespeak
A form which means to mock our king's most rhythmic gasping squeak?

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:00 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: For only knaves must fear, verily
What the great ENO called 'grown men shouting poetry'
And surely the end of the world must be drawing near
When town criers advertise 'A hip hop musical based on Shakespeare'

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:11 (seventeen years ago) link

(off-key piano chord) GZA and OL' DIRTY BASTARD enter.

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Hark, the Wu-Tang Clan have stumbled upon this merry gathering.
GZA: Hear ye! Hear ye!
My prose will go uncontested,
I shan't be bested
At my own game, old Willy be the man
but he's long dead,
weavils and slugs bore through his head,
So I henceforth proclaim this nigga be bus'ed.

Andrew (enneff), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:17 (seventeen years ago) link

THE FOOL: But what strange musick is this?
'Tis not bad, not bad at all. And yet methinks, withall
'Tis closer to The Bard than Whacko Jacko in its key notes
For neither Shakespeare nor Sir Bastard can sing for peanuts

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:24 (seventeen years ago) link

DR THADDEUS THRUSH: This is a bust! Form two rows!
Against the wall! Drop your hose!
I'm looking for genitals crookedly formed
Testicles saggy and slightly torn
I have a Polaroid and one glass slipper
If you fit either you'll be in jail quicker
Than you can say 'I'm a smooth criminal!'
So spread your legs, go! Get in two rows!
All of your clothes will be taken down now
And may be used in evidence against you!

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:45 (seventeen years ago) link

ALL: Oh no! OH NO! Have mercy on us!
Not -- DON'T SAY! -- Dr Thaddeus Thrush!
The genital doctor has come down upon us!
Hieronymous Bosch has not seen more horrors!

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 07:51 (seventeen years ago) link

(Exeunt, naked.)

End of Act One

The imperial bedroom suite at Neverland. A cock crows. Rays of morning sun illuminate the elaborate plastic drapes of the king's oxygen tent.

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 08:17 (seventeen years ago) link

(Nick is going bonkers album-mixing in a verrrry smalllll room)

suzy (suzy), Monday, 28 October 2002 08:57 (seventeen years ago) link

THE KING: (Waking, groggy) Lisa Marie? Bubbles? Macaulay?

LADY JACKSON: (Outside bedroom door) My Lord? Are you awake?

THE KING: Come... come in?

LADY JACKSON: I think I'll just stay here, by your leave
I don't want any nasty surprises like last time, my liege.
Just to say Phoebus has risen, it's soon
Time for your portrait with the artist, Jeff Koons.
Do you need any help picking out hair
Skin from the closet, or a nice face to wear?

THE KING: Away, woman, fie, I don't need your help
I can do all those things pretty much by myself
But one thing thou couldst do -- if you see Dr Wax
Tell him to bring an iron and a couple of skin grafts.

LADY JACKSON: Very well. Oh, just one more thing
There's a new Beatles songbook someone's publishing
It's stuffed full of songs you own and can sing
Do you want me to push it under the door?

THE KING: Very well, push it under. I'll sing them in the shower.

Momus (Momus), Monday, 28 October 2002 09:06 (seventeen years ago) link

Maccauley: Hark, what that muthafucka be?
A cock? they crowest at me?
Ask not for whom the jacko whacko for he wacketh for thee.
Could it be, my future thus portrayed,
from aftershaved doodlings in 5 star hotels
to heterosexual flashbacks in sonic youth motels
Alas, Uncle Mickey, can't you wacketh thee for me?

Maccauley, Monday, 28 October 2002 09:09 (seventeen years ago) link

(I'm in awe! This is brilliant! Perhaps you could have the rest of the Jackson 5 as the chorus? And Joe Jackson as the nefarious villain?)

Miss Laura, Monday, 28 October 2002 10:22 (seventeen years ago) link

MISS JANET: Look who I'd be if I wasn't so nasty.
In love with kids and rhinoplasty.

Pose this question, if you will
How'd my brother get so...shrill?
Is it genes and would you bother
Turning white to deny your father?

A music man from Gary, Indiana
Hit his kids with a rusty spanner
Wrenched from reality
Precocious musicality
The rod unspared in discipline's totality

Brother mine should tread with care
Victims turned bullies are not so rare
Spoiling kiddies with his piebald rod
The Fool is he,
Not that Yankovic sod

suzy (suzy), Monday, 28 October 2002 10:59 (seventeen years ago) link

SIR TITO: My career is now but long forgotten
Mists of time, obscurity is rotten

Miss Laura, Monday, 28 October 2002 11:57 (seventeen years ago) link

A Tragicke chorus of Sony executives (over raunch of pork):

O Fortuna, whom the King hast spurned
Cast off, it seems your wheel has turned
And landed us in a red-lit quarter
Where profits slump like ice to water
Instead of beating Britney Spears
He owes us payment in arrears
So now the choice - O, heart is sore!
To go now to the breach once more?
Pour funds into his holy war?
Commission posters, four by four?
Or double back the way we came?
For though steeped in this stream of shame
Where walking on or walking back
Will doubtless make us just as black
It seems, to beat a fast retreat
Will better serve our balance sheet

But hark now! Who is this young coquettish
Sent hither to quench the King's old fetish?

Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Monday, 28 October 2002 12:51 (seventeen years ago) link

Enter SIR PAUL of MCCARTNEY from behind the arras, brandishing a sword.

SIR PAUL: Fie on thee, thy scurvy dog,
The Queen art mine, mine, mine,

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 12:58 (seventeen years ago) link

THE KING: Is this a Jagger I see before me?

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 13:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Utterly brilliant. :-)

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 13:58 (seventeen years ago) link

Say say say what thou wil'st
But don't play games with my erection.


N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 28 October 2002 14:01 (seventeen years ago) link

For I see that thou art a lover, rather than a warrior. But I shall suffer you to naught, for the wench belongs to me!

(SIR PAUL falls to the floor, seemingly paralyzed before THE KING. Enter SIR MICK, who upon seeing the tableau, cries out)

I find myself in a state of incapacitation, where you my King, have placed me.

(SIR MICK falls to the floor next to SIR PAUL)

J (Jay), Monday, 28 October 2002 14:15 (seventeen years ago) link

I am honoured to make thy aquaintance, my leige,
I hope you know my name.

Aye, but what perplexes me,
Is the nature of thy game.
(To Sir Paul)Waste not thy time, for the Queen is mine

She has but this night confided
That I be her eternal lover.

After me, she said, she will ne'er love another.
Begone! Thou mak'st me want to scream.

Exeunt all except The King

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 16:23 (seventeen years ago) link


O calumny thou hast torn my life askew!

Of trees and hungry starved there are few;

Yet I as Messiah will speak my peace,

Brave children I shall enlist, low in grease,

For minor are my misfortunes to God,

When considereth thou the wretched law of Sod,

I am the light which earth shalt illumine,

To banish hellwise bowls for Columbine.

What of the trees? What of the dying birds?

What of the children whom I mistake not for turds?

For God am I, I am namdam forsooth,

Or would be had not Randy robbed me of wisdom tooth...



"Begone, false prophet, for thou durst speakest tosh!

Your pitiful pretensions are unfit e'en for nosh!

Roaches shalt never climb your quadruple-garotted walls,

As evidenced by your lack of recordings by the Falls.

For Princess Janet hath taken all thy cred,

Whilst thou indulgest in filth and sausage atop thy bed!

She now hath the trust of Courtier Beenieman

Whilst you would be fortunate to attract a 90-summers-old Exeter fan!

I embrace the future, Ladytron and Electralane,

Thou wretched sneitch, doomest e'ermore to Sir Toby Keith's pain!

He blows his bottom at THE KING and exits, stage left.

Chas Lamb, Monday, 28 October 2002 16:43 (seventeen years ago) link

KING: Now, is the summer of this content,
Made bitterest winter by these sons of Yorke,
And all the rays that shone upon our house,
Now lie in the deep bosom of the earth buried.
And I, that was once shaped for sportive tricks
Can no longer court an amorous looking-glass;
So now, as I start towards this man in the mirror,
Can I yet ask him to change his ways?
Still now, as our enemies mount on ev'ry side,
To the east, from the house of Sir Thomas of Yorke,
From o'er the seas, his army grows but in this
Very state, some canker remains.
They say that the old King John of Lennon,
Dead these four score years once again walks
These hostile turrets of Castle Neverland.
'Tis close to midnight and evil lurks in the dark
For 'tis the thriller, thriller night,
And for my life, this night I fight.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 16:58 (seventeen years ago) link

Exit, stage left

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 16:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Whereupon he runs fatally into the wronged LADY ELLIOTT's outstretched fremme neppa venette.


Marcello Carlin, Monday, 28 October 2002 17:00 (seventeen years ago) link

i was not complaing, just noting. also feeling honored that i inspired this.

anthony easton (anthony), Monday, 28 October 2002 17:04 (seventeen years ago) link


The business district of an unnamed American city with lots of buildings and signs in it that often include the words 'New Yorke.'

THE KING enters.]

Having thus confounded this mighty wound
I must now confront the evils of this land
For my home realm now falls prey to Yorke
And a new city raises itself in mockery
To my plans and devices for a golden age
Of glory against the forces of despite
Who would yet seek to destroy what I hold dear.
What horrors are seen here among these citizens!
Picks up a Village Voice
Some scribblers here proclaim the sons of Yorke
To be the bearers of deep meaning and truth
A HEALEY, so-named, yet he cannot heal his soul
And a Lord MARTIN who clearly wets his bed
Or some uncouth former ally of the Sony board
Once said in a moment of outraged passion
Brought on by excess of red meat and wine.
Nay nay, I must fight this idiocy sublime
For the world will understand how I champion
Their causes and dreams, their deep motives.

Enter a CITIZEN, dressed in strange and colourful garb.

Good dweller of this land! I am here to free thee
From the horrible bonds of YORKE that have ensnared
You and your fellow dwellers for too long.
Come follow me, your rightful lord and master!

'Sblood, thou stinkard, remove thy prating follies
From this fair island that truly inhabits the center
Of the Known Universe (or so I keep hearing from others
Who have never in fact left it to live elsewhere).
We have no need of thy follies anymore now that we have
A truer set of lords and masters.

But Yorke!
He is no king of thine.

Yorke is but a chimera
In these days of plenty and calm. We now worship
The better sovereigns of a truly New Yorke --
The good lords CASABLANCAS and NELLY, and not only them
But the mighty Queen MISSY and her oft-talked frappe
Not to mention Princess AGUILERA and her tantrum fits
And the Northern Duchess LAVIGNE, who speaks of Bois.
These in fact give us the hope and reaches we need
In this time when chimpanzees pretend to rule the land
From houses painted in white and surrounded by guards.
For we must have a modern hope and not thy spewings.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 28 October 2002 17:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Implores everyone to ignore Marcello's post as everyone knows that it defies all Shakespearean conventions to kill of the protagonist before at least the fifth act.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 17:26 (seventeen years ago) link

KING: What, ho? But who comes hither?
'Tis the fair maiden, PaedOphelia.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 17:53 (seventeen years ago) link


Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 28 October 2002 18:37 (seventeen years ago) link

PRINCESS RECESS: Shut thou foul mouth! Burden me not with your cries for pudding!

jel -- (jel), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:00 (seventeen years ago) link

The King shunned by his daughter, wanders through the castle grounds oblivious to the taunts of his citizens.

KING: What manner of monster are thee? Why hast thou daughter forsaken me in my need? My kingdom for a pie! My kingdom for a pie!

jel -- (jel), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:07 (seventeen years ago) link

THE KING: Casting aside his Village Voice
Feh, for no one heeds my cries.
Hast thou all cast thy lot in with the beast Motolla?
He who shuns me for the stain of my skin?
He who see not the value of my work?
He who treats shabbily his Mistress Carey, yea until she doth feign the madness?
Woe unto me, for the Motolla hast stolen my reign from me!
Woe unto me, for it is he, and not I, who is Bad!


J (Jay), Monday, 28 October 2002 19:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Act IV, Scene 1: A gallery hung with portraits of the Jackson clan and their liege lords. MICHAEL paces the corridor.

'Struth, I shall rally my own musical forces, and reclaim the charts that formerly were mine! (hums a little riff that resolves into "Got to Be Startin' Somethin")

MICHAEL stops abruptly in front of a portrait of Sieur Thomas De La Mottola.

Why did I not see this before?
DE LA MOTTOLA is the author of my woe!
He underfunded my most recent campaign
Because he scorns those of the sable strain!

MICHAEL pulls out a pencil and scribbles a devil's horns and goatee on the portrait. Enter stage right the ghost of ELVIS I.

What? I am the one who is ectoplasm
Yet is my son-in-law the greater phantasm?

Heavens! My eyes pop forth from my head!
But wait just a sec--is the KING really dead?

Aye, I have been dead these 25 years
But sometimes I do walk this earth, in tears.
In Rock-and-Roll Heaven there's a hell of a band
But never a peanut butter and banana sandwich at hand.
And I will try to help a musician in strife
To help them with this thing called life.

MICHAEL (excitedly)
Who has thou visited in their house of pain?
Courtney LOVE? Robert SMITH?

Uh, Kurt COBAIN?
But dwell not on how others did fail
Now, now you must haste to save your own tail.
Do you remember just how I died?

Straining on the toilet, ass open wide?

You fool! I mean how death did me tug,
By many a greasy sandwich and prescription drug.
Catered to my every whim, whateversoever.
If I could perform, I was their gold-laying goose.
But they did not see that I was in a noose.
They gave me whatever I thought I did need
Yet hastened me to my grave at headlong speed.
You are similarly protected by flacks
And this shield causes the strength of the attacks
Launched upon you by those critical hacks.
Banish your yes-men, think for yourself;
In here who truly profits from your wealth?
You must face the consequences of your actions
And study what renders musical satisfactions.
I hope you can do this; once a young boy
Sang "We are the world," and gave the world joy.
You can regain your spirit, audience, niche
Now where might a hungry ghost find a sandwich?

Turn left, and go to the end of that hall.

ELVIS exits stage left.

Is all that true? Can I rewin it all?

Curtain (, Monday, 28 October 2002 20:39 (seventeen years ago) link

Act IV, Scene ii - A Graveyard

Enter some GRAVEDIGGAZ, with shovels, led by the RZA.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 28 October 2002 21:16 (seventeen years ago) link

RZA: (Picking up skull) Alas, poor Michael! I knew him, Shabazz!
A fellow of infinite jest, most dangerous crotch
The brain counselor, track fertilizer, the murdalizer
I never heard a wiser, I rue the day
For he once had the body of a Lexus Coupe!

I musta looked upon his poster a thousand times
Musta sung his songs and rhymed his rhymes
And now how abhorred in my imagination it is!
My gorge rims at it! What kind of sick shit is
That? Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft -- but nobody call me faggot
I'm as normal as my man Ned Raggett
'To be or not to be?' Fuck it
Death comes to all, can't no man duck it

You was the Grymmest -- where be your gibes now?
Your gambols? your songs? your thrillers and gore
That were wont to set the MTV awards on a roar?
Not one now, to mock your own grinning?
Where be your boys, your monkeys and women?
You fucked up chicken, now you just got fried
It was self-inflicted regicide

Lost was the king in his golden cage
But there was no way out of the death race
The skull we kiss was once a face
Hear the eulogy of Masta Ase!

Yeah, more graves to dig. Goodbye
There's no need to cry...
... cause we all die



Momus (Momus), Wednesday, 30 October 2002 05:22 (seventeen years ago) link

Just as the audience is rising to leave, a small pile of dust at the front of the stage starts spinning as if animated by a tiny twister, elongates itself, and turns into a headless figure in a skeleton body stocking. THE FIGURE delves behind the curtain and returns with the discarded skull. In a slow, ghoulish mime, THE FIGURE places the skull atop its shoulders, straightens it like a mask and, to rapt attention and pindrop silence, starts snapping its skeletal fingers.

A flashbomb explodes and a huge bassline erupts from concealed speakers. THE FIGURE clutches its thrusting pelvic girdle, releases a bloodcurdling whoop then, powered by a tiny jetpack, shoots up to the Royal Circle box, grabs Iman from a thunderstruck David Bowie, and, dragging her behind him, soars towards a small open skylight in the roof of the theatre. The two fleeing silhouettes, visible for some minutes against a huge full moon, resemble nothing so much as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell.

Momus (Momus), Wednesday, 30 October 2002 05:50 (seventeen years ago) link

rip grym reaper

boxcubed (boxcubed), Wednesday, 30 October 2002 07:41 (seventeen years ago) link

mad quotables by my man momus. (death to normals!!!)

boxcubed (boxcubed), Wednesday, 30 October 2002 07:43 (seventeen years ago) link

A haggard 24 year old staggers across the stage, sweeping deliroiously, in no apparent order. It is Macauley, now grown, his penis no longer wanted. He stops, turns to the stage, grabs his genitals and yanks, and over 3 or 4 minutes slurs the following:

Oh, the giraffe, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jacko has old MacWacko, babe
And he keeps it, ah, out of sight (you know where)
Ya know when that bubble bites with his teeth, babe
Scarlet billows start to spread
Fancy glove, oh, wears old MacWack, Jack
So there’s never, never a trace of red

Now on the sidewalk, huh, huh, whoo sunny morning, un huh
Lies a body just oozin' life, (what's that sound?)
And someone’s sneakin' ‘round the corner
Could that someone be Mack the Knife?

There's a tugger, huh, huh, down by the river dontcha know
Where a cement bag’s just a'drooppin' on down-cha
Oh, that cement is just, it's there for the police, dear
Five'll get ya ten old Macky’s back in town
Now d'ja hear ‘bout Emmanual Webster? He disappeared, babe
After drawin' out all his hard-on lash
And now Macwack shoots just like a sailor
Could it be our boy's seen his crotch rash?

Now Brookie Shields, ho, (she was a) ho, yeah, Lizzie Taylor
Ooh, Miss Lisa Marie and old Britney S
Oh, the line forms on the right, babe
Now that Macky’s back in town

I said Lisa Simpson, whoa, La Toyah's snake
Look out to Miss Aguillera and old Macauley too
Yes, that line forms on the right, babe
Now that Macky’s back in town.....

macauley C, Wednesday, 30 October 2002 10:41 (seventeen years ago) link

one year passes...
This thread needs a revival.

Andrew (enneff), Friday, 21 November 2003 01:28 (sixteen years ago) link

Sure does! Hands up who didn't know he'd get caught? If so, you've been dead the last 10 years.....

However, he'll get the "OJ Syndrome": celebrity gets him off

Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Friday, 21 November 2003 01:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh good lord. Part Two I suppose.


A sleepy provincial town on coastal waters. ENTER THE KING

Odds bodkins! I am summoned by cold men
To answer claims and charges that I
Who only ever wished to heal this grievous world
Have caused damages and harm to those
Whom I would love in a most tender way
Not the way they would have it of course.
But their damned lies will fly forth quickly
And then fall gasping and panting to the ground
Whilst I, sculpted and shaped to transcend this sphere,
Will be the long runner o'er their corpses of untruths
As I will then be free to return to a peaceful valley
And complete my latest entertainment!


Sir, your fingerprints, and your visage
We must have images of both so that
Your whereabouts will be easily found

THE KING [outraged]
All know where I can be found at any time!
For I am your king and you cannot question
My divine image of grace and beauty.

That is as may be, sir, but we must also have
Three million ducats and your papers of passage
For we deem you a threat of flight from our land

Insolence! But here
(withdraws items)
As you demand it, there.
Take them if you must, but those who know me
Will know that my word is my bond

OFFICER (somewhat bored)
Um, indeed sir, we would never question that.
Now excuse me, please, for I have a press conference.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 01:38 (sixteen years ago) link

There's no way I could ever hope to add to this but I have to say this is one of the most brilliant things I've ever read =) Clever bastards!

Trayce (trayce), Friday, 21 November 2003 01:56 (sixteen years ago) link

seconded - magnificent!

jed (jed_e_3), Friday, 21 November 2003 02:40 (sixteen years ago) link

Bump, a dump-dump

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 15:51 (sixteen years ago) link

Fanfares. Enter R KELLY - The King's Bastard Brother

Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 21 November 2003 15:59 (sixteen years ago) link

Dan needs to write that section.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 16:01 (sixteen years ago) link

However, he'll get the "OJ Syndrome": celebrity gets him off

I thought it was young boys that got him off.

El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Friday, 21 November 2003 16:01 (sixteen years ago) link

SLANDER! The hordes of hyperfans will hunt and slay now.

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 16:03 (sixteen years ago) link

make sure the next act contains references to Duckbutter.

Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Friday, 21 November 2003 16:04 (sixteen years ago) link

R KELLY - Thy majesty, thou art not alone.
I can be with you,
Come, we dance with maidens fair,
And pisseth on them too.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 21 November 2003 16:05 (sixteen years ago) link

THE KING - Thou dost rock mine world!

J (Jay), Friday, 21 November 2003 17:14 (sixteen years ago) link

MJ is human crack, that's all there is to it.

Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Friday, 21 November 2003 17:16 (sixteen years ago) link

What? People smoke SOS pads to get high?

A Girl Named Sam (thatgirl), Friday, 21 November 2003 17:18 (sixteen years ago) link

wouldn't you?!

Jeremy the Kingfish (Kingfish), Friday, 21 November 2003 17:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Only if we were out of tampons.

Casuistry (Chris P), Friday, 21 November 2003 18:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Act V, Scene v: Pomfret Minimum Security Correctional Facility

I have been studying how I may compare
This prison where I live unto the world:
And for because the world is populous
And here is not a creature but myself,
I cannot do it; yet I'll hammer it out.
The better sort,
As thoughts of things divine, are intermix'd
With scruples and do set the word itself
Against the word:
As thus, 'Come, little ones,' and then again,
'It is as hard to come as for a camel
To thread the postern of a small needle's eye.'

[grabs crotch]

Thus play I in one person many people,
And none contented: sometimes am I king;
Then treasons make me wish myself a beggar,
And so I am: then crushing penury
Persuades me I was better when a king;
Then am I king'd again: and by and by
Think that I am unking'd by Sneddon,
And straight am nothing: but whate'er I be,
Nor I nor any man that but man is
With nothing shall be pleased, till he be eased
With being nothing. Music do I hear?

[Thriller motif sounds offstage; faint laughter of Vincent Price]

Ha, ha! keep time: how sour sweet music is,
When time is broke and no proportion kept!
So is it in the music of men's lives.
And here have I the daintiness of ear
To cheque time broke in a disorder'd string;
But for the concord of my state and time
Had not an ear to hear my true time broke.

[more offstage music; faint “the kid is not my son”]

Now sir, the sound that tells what hour it is
Are clamorous groans, which strike upon my heart,
Which is the bell: so sighs and tears and groans
Show minutes, times, and hours: but my time
Runs posting on in Sneddon's proud joy,
While I stand fooling here, his Jack o' the clock.
This music mads me; let it sound no more;
For though it have holp madmen to their wits,
In me it seems it will make wise men mad.
Yet blessing on his heart that gives it me!
For 'tis a sign of love; and love to Michael
Is a strange brooch in this all-hating world.

[Blackout; offstage whisper: “who's bad?”]

brian nemtusak (sanlazaro), Friday, 21 November 2003 21:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Nicely done, but now that we have a beginning and an end we need a middle!

Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 21:35 (sixteen years ago) link

Always my weak point. Btw/fwiw, yr. posts (and entire thread for that matter) = aplause aplause applause

brian nemtusak (sanlazaro), Friday, 21 November 2003 21:40 (sixteen years ago) link


Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 21 November 2003 21:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Enter separately The Fool and Lady Latoya, inbred meddler, out of breath. Both bow before The King

[madly] You there, Foo, come heel to me. And Your Highness,
I request an audience to dsicuss
A mattter most urgent. Prithee, draw near.
[aside]What fortune, what chance! With these steps my plan
Nears fruition! The players set, curtain
Ready, my scheme -- but hold! Tis time!
[to both]Far be it for one of my station low
To pose this query so: if this drama be,
And more, be true, should not you, rustic clown,
Speak free from poesie and rather in prose
To designate proper your vulgar place?
Unless! Unless! Yes, there is more, and less!
I have stumbled on a masquerade,
The Fool, true King, whilst yon Jackson -- knave!

[The King's face begins to melt]

Mine eyes! His nose detached and fall'n! Syphilitic?
Plastic alchemy 'come parasitic?

Leee Majors (Leee), Saturday, 22 November 2003 02:46 (sixteen years ago) link

one month passes...

Though my enemies fade me
I am innocent of these foul crimes
and though this judge dost lord o'er me
still I shall dance atop this SUV.

J (Jay), Saturday, 17 January 2004 14:29 (sixteen years ago) link

why are you so ugly

emily shitzuo, Saturday, 17 January 2004 19:51 (sixteen years ago) link

KING: Toby, or not Toby: That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the bed to bugger
Their tits and asses off in sumptious fortune,
or to take alarm in the seas of trouble,
and by deflowing, end it. To die, to sleep:
no more. And by a sleep to say the end,
The petite mort and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance for dream: Ay, there's a rub.
For in the Californian death what dreams have come
Now decency's shuffled from all ones coils -
Must give us pause. There's no respect
That makes calamity of my life
For who would bear the whips and scorns of rhyme,
Record company's wrongs, judges contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's speed,
The redolance of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes
When he himsef might his quietus make
With a bare Bob boy? Who would arseholes bear,
To grunt and sweat under a beery wife,
But that dread of something after petite mort,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller is allowed to return, confuses my will
And makes us wear the ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
The lack of conscience makes cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is prickled over with the pale hand of celebrity
and despises with great pith and atonement.
With this regard my currents turn awry.
And lose the name of sanity.

Johnney B (Johnney B), Sunday, 18 January 2004 00:10 (sixteen years ago) link

ten months pass...
For the record, this thread is the pinnacle of ILX.

Girolamo Savonarola, Tuesday, 23 November 2004 20:56 (fifteen years ago) link

two months pass...
Part III.


Matt DC (Matt DC), Sunday, 30 January 2005 23:34 (fifteen years ago) link

Act I, Scene I - A Court Room, California

Enter THE KING, MISS JANET, SIR PAUL, SIR MICK, the consul for the defence URI GELLER and for the prosecution ALEX IN NYC.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Sunday, 30 January 2005 23:47 (fifteen years ago) link

URI: Hath not the King eyes? Hath not the King a nose?
Hath not the King hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions;
If you prick him, does he not bleed? If you tickle him, does he not laugh?

THE KING: Actually, not since 1986.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Sunday, 30 January 2005 23:56 (fifteen years ago) link

URI: Hath not the King a heart?

THE KING: 'Tis just another part of me.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Sunday, 30 January 2005 23:58 (fifteen years ago) link

LADY JANET: Oh woe! The shame brought on our noble house
Is too much for me to bear. The distress
In being linked to such wicked scandal
By men so brutish as these foul vandals
With their iniquitous plots - all they seek
Is their pound of flesh. I turn t'other cheek:
This past year, I have laboured and toiled
In wardrobe malfunctions I've been embroiled
With the help of young, buff Sir TIMBERLAKE
That nipple piercing - 'twas for the King's sake
I bared my boob, so you would forget his
But to no avail - it has come to this.
I will take the stand to defend my brother
E'en if I just get the other, other.

The Lex (The Lex), Monday, 31 January 2005 00:50 (fifteen years ago) link

alarum, drums, trumpets

let the wide arch of brooklyn
into the foaming hudson fall
before these many-cursed villains
once more attain their liberty.
It out-Herods Herod! ha! liberty! what is it
but a yet more spacious cage within which
reprobates and traitors ply their schemes?
but let us quiet!
- the trial begins!

i'll daub it thus for now, outrage seeming heaped on outrage until the jurors beg heaven to contend against such villainy! then i'll 'minster the fatal blow; when bashir speaks, the noose will follow!

debden, Monday, 31 January 2005 16:06 (fifteen years ago) link

I almost might have been at this trial.

adam.r.l. (nordicskilla), Monday, 31 January 2005 16:16 (fifteen years ago) link

(aside) O dreadful visage! O infernal prosecutor!
I know this man: The very Ramones obey him,
And in our taunts my better cunning faints
Under his rages. But I'll to counsel-
For still i may outwit this knave:
Like the straw that breaks the Camel's back
In tales of Araby, i'll kindle his ferocity
To new and stronger fires 'til belligerence
Trumps all, and all discourse ceases.

debden, Monday, 31 January 2005 16:41 (fifteen years ago) link

Let there be acrimony, let there be vox,
For I hath come to see this stupid cunt in the box,
Took mine advice did he, but little did I know
That 'Revolution' would advertise stereos,
But I survived Yoko and outlived John,
And soon I shall see the ruin of The Gloved One.

Captain GRRRios' Giggletits (Barima), Monday, 31 January 2005 17:30 (fifteen years ago) link

Behold, this trial shall be thing
Wherein we weigh the misdeeds of the King
But where is the King of Pop? This churl
Seems trapped in the body of a weird white girl!

From what Planet, sirrah, do you come?
Are you ignorant, or are you simply dumb--
The King of Pop, he stands afore your eyes
No Fool would miss such lame disguise.

Enter one of the KING's minions, leading a strange beast on a leash

KING: Ah, 'tis CaliBubbles! Speak, CaliBubbles, speak!

CALIBUBBLES: Ooo! Oooo! Oooo! Eeee! Eee! Eee!

Chorus of JACKSON WASSAILERS: "...Easy as one, two, three."

The Mad Puffin, Monday, 31 January 2005 17:57 (fifteen years ago) link

But who here has the trageskill to work in Latoya?

Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 31 January 2005 18:24 (fifteen years ago) link

commend thy soul to god, unhappy king
for in this measured globe there is no inn
nor port will gi'e it shelter now
waste not the few months left to you
in pettifoggery, schemes and sophistry
lest thy final palace
have the same prospect as mine -
a gloomy pit whose lightest word
would harrow up thy very soul.
to nature listen, as her tide ebbs and flows
so allow the truth to run
through shores and channels unpolluted:
remove this URI GELLER you have recruited

debden, Monday, 31 January 2005 18:34 (fifteen years ago) link

Forsooth, the Lady Latoya's tale of woe
Is puissant in'ts effect. It doth make the hearer swoon,
In the manner of the sacred Jesus Juice that the King doth use
To numb his young pages into obeisance.

The Mad Puffin, Monday, 31 January 2005 18:52 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh villain! damned dancing villain!
as when the pelican eats its young
So coldly furnishing the christ'ning table
with funeral ashes, you slink among
those green in judgement.
In your kingdom, mutinies; In your cities
naught on TV but your sister's...


debden, Monday, 31 January 2005 19:08 (fifteen years ago) link

I thought this thread was going to be about his last album.

polyphonic (polyphonic), Monday, 31 January 2005 19:13 (fifteen years ago) link

(I think you could go a long way with La Toya/Janet/Michael around the Shakespearean conceit of people in disguise as one gender or another; brothers and sisters who impersonate one another, etc., but am too lazy to construct whole scenes around it. Carry on.)

The Mad Puffin, Monday, 31 January 2005 19:58 (fifteen years ago) link

As a way into western culture, The Tragedy Of Michael Jackson seems better than most.

Have to agree. His appeal, while maddening, is relentless. Of all the collected wisdom on my personal site, this picture accounts for half of the hits every day, gratis, ususally, google image search. Okay, maybe wisdom is the wrong word...

EComplex (EComplex), Monday, 31 January 2005 20:45 (fifteen years ago) link

The mother of the kid in the court case is called... Janet Jackson.

an image

James Mitchell (James Mitchell), Tuesday, 1 February 2005 03:00 (fifteen years ago) link

Did she flop a boob out?

Autumn Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 1 February 2005 03:01 (fifteen years ago) link

...hope not.

James Mitchell (James Mitchell), Tuesday, 1 February 2005 03:02 (fifteen years ago) link



As the path of the sunne in yon sky
Th'arc of Fame doth live, and doth die.
Renown once held must in some wise stop
I shall usurp his crown of Pop.

Once I was but a mere Boy amongst a band.
My moves were freshe, but my beats, they were bland.
Then a vexèd wardrobe shocked each rube
Now my Fame rests on one piercèd boob.

The Mad Puffin, Tuesday, 1 February 2005 14:52 (fifteen years ago) link

the devil damn thee black, thou cream faced loon!
where go'st thou with these mumblings, that goose look?

as with you my liege
'tis but the native hue of resolution
sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought

damned insolence!
yet this leads nowhere
i shall consult my soothsayer!
call geller!

enter GELLER

THE KING: is't true soothsayer
that in the movement of swallows
o'erarching the cerulean firmament
that shadowy arc which divides men from stars
thou can'st divine man's fortunes?

in nature's infinite book of secrecy
A little I can read

pray then, foresee my fate

thou shalt be innocent until the army of exeter
doth topple to the rude shock
of manchestrian onslaughts

'tis good

till iron spoons bend and watches wake from dusty death
your kingdom will endure

excellent soothsayer!

debden, Tuesday, 1 February 2005 15:37 (fifteen years ago) link

one year passes...
once a pied piper of each in a revelrie
being of gargantuan popularitie now he sits
with stains from thee children which had lured him
into probable sodomie
by proxie
an unforgiving world this shall be

i cry for thee, jackson
these tears shall cleanse

do not despair your majestie!
for my plans never cease to be
i now must cultivate an army
an army of leprechauns from thee!

but what ambitions and what tomfoolery a plan this could be
how must you convince the Mother Of Nature
to provide you with many a storm
many a rain
many a drizzle
many an interrupting Sun
to allow many a rainbow
for which thy must find all these pots o gold, ye pop king, dare i ask?

i may exist on thee plain of a pauper in these dying aching days
but even a leper, less of that a leprechaun, hath always the gift of luck!
and being blessed with immaculate charm in earlier years, ye
you generous and love of conditional, your majestie of clovers
must not deny the law above all dirt on which we lay, we walk, and we shovel
it is magick, your majestie!
leprechauns will bring you this majick! Me majick!
The world majick!
Commission a park for this army of leprechaun magick at once!

i am overwhelmed with your charm, pop king. you do never lie.
to my people, nor ever again on this slag of dung!

i shall never!

the dow nut industrial average dead joe mama besser (donut), Thursday, 21 September 2006 20:44 (thirteen years ago) link

I can't believe I missed this thread wtf

Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 21 September 2006 20:51 (thirteen years ago) link

momus redeems himself on this thread for everything ever

J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 21 September 2006 22:30 (thirteen years ago) link

one month passes...
sailing eastward toward old blightey
behold! a stage, a crowd, I hath been redeemed
many so thought a zombie I would portray
with an army of a young future, so wrong were they

And so surprised as the musick hath been abridged
a lobbing of this coat of mine into a sea of admirers
Mine a tribute to my phalanx of this future of young
so overpowering it could not all be sung!

gwynywdd dwnyt fyrwr byychydd gww (donut), Thursday, 16 November 2006 17:20 (thirteen years ago) link

i listened to bad this very morning - pretty f'n awesome.

jhoshea megafauna (scoopsnoodle), Thursday, 16 November 2006 17:24 (thirteen years ago) link

best thread ever

Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 16 November 2006 17:24 (thirteen years ago) link

(This is easily one of the three best threads ever. I know I always say that but, honestly.)

Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 16 November 2006 17:26 (thirteen years ago) link

four months pass...

Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows, Thursday, 29 March 2007 20:32 (thirteen years ago) link

two years pass...

only jackson thread that matters

conrad, Thursday, 25 June 2009 22:50 (eleven years ago) link

so true

And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 25 June 2009 22:52 (eleven years ago) link

<3 this thread - hope someone steps up for the epilogue

lex pretend, Thursday, 25 June 2009 22:55 (eleven years ago) link

I'll make some calls.

bad hijab (suzy), Thursday, 25 June 2009 22:57 (eleven years ago) link

^^^to all the above

the funk soul custos (country matters), Thursday, 25 June 2009 22:59 (eleven years ago) link

But hush, what commotion is this? Methinks the king or someone else arrives. I'll to to the arrass, conceal myself and watch what business shall unfold!

the pinefox, Friday, 26 June 2009 02:16 (eleven years ago) link

ultimate fucked-up child star, move along, nothing to see here, folks

Dr Morbius, Friday, 26 June 2009 05:27 (eleven years ago) link


Cunga, Friday, 26 June 2009 05:38 (eleven years ago) link

A glooming peace o'er Neverland this day.
Peter Pan for sorrow will not show his head.
Go hence, to have more talk of death of pop;
Biographies rewritten, concerts cancelled.
The Earth song will be sung in far flung lands;
For never was a HIStory of more woe
Than this of Michael and his Billie Jean.

whatever, Friday, 26 June 2009 05:54 (eleven years ago) link

three years pass...

That Was It: The Tragic Tale of Our King Michael Jackson

Tongue firmly in cheek, playwright C.J. Tuor borrows the structure of a Greek tragedy (plus a few tricks from Shakespeare and Bertolt Brecht) to tell the King of Pop's life story. Director-choreographer Ali Keirn embellishes Tuor's extremely witty tale -- featuring a chorus that intones lyrics from Jackson hits -- with eccentric dramatic poses, overwrought modern-dance tableaux, and lots of trademark Jackson moves. But what really sells this high-energy comedy is the cast's ability to win laughs even as they lay bare the pathos in Jackson's story. Playing Jackson pre- and post-plastic surgery respectively, Tom Daily and Emily Goldberg are particularly winning. —Jack Helbig

Trewster Dare (jaymc), Thursday, 9 August 2012 17:26 (seven years ago) link

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