Clickbait Article Theater: All Night's 10 Unofficial Rules for the Strip Club

pretty sure a couple of those are official

Follow These 10 Unofficial Rules Next Time You Visit A Strip Club
by Br@d W3te

Yes, you're there to have fun. But the strip club can get mighty awkward if you don't adhere to the following suggestions that we insist on so much that we're going to go ahead and unofficially make them law now.

Should you eat there? Do you bring friends? Where do you put your hands? All questions get answered here.

Spend Big
If you want a free show, go watch birds at the park. The dancers are performing. So you should pay. No, the entry fee at the front door doesn't count. That was just to be in the vicinity of nakedness. Now you have to pay for the closeup.

Leave The Cash On The Stage
If a stripper doesn't pick up the cash, wait. She will. By the end of her set, she'll be raking up the loot from stage and putting it in her trash bag. Don't you dare take money off that stage. It's hers.

Don’t Just Come For Rhe Food
It's a strip club first, man. Don't be one of those cheapskates that cheats the club by looking at the stage from the bar with your food.

But If You Do, Eat Basics
There aren't too many strip clubs boasting 5-star kitchens. So don't get fancy. To ensure that you spend more time looking at the dancers than in the bathroom, stick to the burgers and wings.

No Pictures
Keep your night at the strip club out of the tweets and off the 'gram. All the things worth taking pictures of probably will be taken down by social media admin anyway.

Look, But Don’t Touch
Keep your hands in your lap, pal. Treat this experience like an exhibit at the museum. The only time you should feel anything is when the dancer makes it an interactive situation. By the way, they'll let you know. Don't assume or you'll be sent home early.

Bring Friends
Simply put, being alone at any club makes you look like a weirdo.

It’s Not A Brothel
You might want to take a stripper home, but don't think you can rent one to bring home like a car. Cash won't get you this kind of ride.

Everything Is Expensive
From sodas to lap dances to the features on the women, everything is inflated at the strip club. You're going to pay "too much" for a beer and "really?" for Candy to give you special attention. Deal with it.

Act Like An Adult
Time to put on your big boy pants. Don't be prissy, squeamish, or cheap. You're there to have adult fun. Act like one.

I know this is hardly any worse than any other POS clickbait article on the internet but the tone is so completely "a 14 year old explains strip clubs to the rest of the boy scout troop" it cracked me up.

I am sending you the bill for replacing my laptop screen after I punched it

Boys Have a Weenus, Girls Have a Hoo Hah
Look it up on the internet if you don't believe me. Time to get over it if you haven't already. Next time, come correct

what kind of monster eats food at a strip club smh

the kind that steals money from the stage

Kissing With Tongues Is The Only Real Kissing
If you're not sticking your tongue in her mouth, you're doing it wrong and she's totally going to think you're a baby. And no it's not "gross". It's cool. It's what grown ups do.

The accompanying photo for "Don’t Just Come For Rhe Food"
http://media.allnight.com/O1Hcz8d4q1Sxn2T2XvoSTtowToI%3D/0x22%3A2999x2272/1200x900/smart/etch-production.s3.amazonaws.com/assets/posts/79/23/20/7923200000000000.jpg%3Fgid%3D489149049

http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/pimento-cheeseburger-and-white-russian-milkshake-are-served-at-the-picture-id489149049

Hummus Milkshakes Go Great With Fish Roe and Scrapple Sandwiches
My uncle Phillip made these for me last week and they're the best. It tastes better than bacon. You're gonna love the way you look.

after consideration i've decided to abandon efforts at a joke about "don't just come for the food"

haha ya the overall tone of the article is hilarious

what a goofball

it has to be between not eating there or always bringing friends

i'm going to say not eating there because if you bring enough cash all of a sudden you're the mysterious sexy rich guy if you can pull that off right

Treat this experience like an exhibit at the museum.

Treat Her Like A Semiotext(e)

have a friend snap a picture of you next to the nudes

can't believe there's a dodgy article about strip club etiquette on the internet

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^can we have a separate board for this nonsense

nonsense = this thread, i mean

fuck yall, signed asshole for life

I'm not about to ditch my Sunday night dinner routine on the say-so of some dumb clickbait article.

I'm going with Act Like An Adult - what the fuck is happening at this strip club to make you squeamish?!

Boobies!! Yikes!!!

Exploitation era Scooby was my fave

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^can we have a separate board for this nonsense

― lute bro (brimstead), Tuesday, April 12, 2016 5:54 PM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I Love Giddiness

forks plz keep making up pretend rules

Horror movies are the best movies
I got to watch one from the hallway when my big brother Todd had his girlfriend over on Thursday and they're definitely the best. We are not watching Inside Out like big dumb babies. Not tonight. We are going to watch In The Mouth Of Madness. Put on your big boy britches and your No Fear t-shirt. Think Different.

You cannot get gonorrhea from looking at a girl's naked butt
I know I told you before that you could but I was just punking you. I can't believe you fell for that. Seriously, just look at it when she turns around because it's probably the only naked girl butt you'll ever see until you're an adult.

resent this article referring to me as a pal

Call me Sir!

Not sure how I'm going to vote, but "don't think you can rent one to bring home like a car" is probably the best phrase in the whole thing. "Vicinity of nakedness" is pretty good too though.

The only time you should feel anything is when the dancer makes it an interactive situation.

https://biggiesplace.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/an-interactive-cd-rom.jpg

Cheese Doesn't Make Snot
Here's sweet victory for all the pizza eaters according to Wikipedia: "A study conducted by Pinnock and co-workers (1990) reported that there is no association between milk and dairy products intake and mucus production in healthy as well as rhinovirus infected individuals.(2)" So maybe stop trying to make me take a tissue when I get another slice. It's just wrong to make anyone think about that when you're eating anyway. Gag.

It's Totally Normal to Not Have Hair Under Your Arms Yet
Sure, lots of people have hair there. But lots don't and it's not like that's the only thing that matters. Listen to a person's voice. Is it deeper? Look for the start of a mustache. Are there more than like eleven whiskers? Was I 4'10" last year and 5'1" this year? Guess what brainiac: that's puberty. And news flash: hair makes your pits smelly. Don't believe me? Go smell your dad's pits. Not so great being a grown-up after all is it?

There Is Totally Porn on YouTube, Duh
There's a guy whose job it is to take all the porn down when people upload it. But he can't get all the porn. Nobody can get all the porn. Sometimes it stays up for two or three days. On Friday, I found a five minute video of two girls double-teaming this one guy and it was completely uncut. Completely real. It was gone by Monday though.

forks you are killing it itt

People Can Love Their Kids and Like Each Other Very Much And Still Not Want To Be Married Anymore
In olden days, marriage was forever or at least until we went to college or something. Now, it's no big deal when parents split up. Most of my friends have two houses. You get two Christmases, two birthdays. I know a guy who has Xbox at his mom's and a Playstation at his dad's. Maybe that will happen. So it probably won't be as bad as you think it will be. It's probably for the best. At least you won't have to listen to them fight anymore.

What If Our Whole Universe Is An Atom In The Fingernail of A Giant
There's no real way to prove that it's not. What if time runs differently in the giant's world and it's been a billion billion years in our time but only a few days in giant time? And he's reaching for nail clippers. Do we all die when he clips his nails? Or hey, wait: what if the giant's world is just an atom in an even bigger giant's toenail? Then what? Like, how far could that go?

Fuck Mister Kavanaugh In His Dumb Fucking Butt
He acts like he knows the secrets of life and everything but if he's so wise and all-knowing then how come he's a middle school history teacher and such a shitty basketball coach that we can't even get to the county semi-finals? The only history he knows about is the history of losing. Let him call my dad. Just fucking let him. I'm not scared of him.

Your Back Muscles Wrap Around to Your Breasts So If You Really Want The Best Massage, I Have to Rub On Your Front
Your latissimus dorsi connect up here, in your scapulas. But tension creeps up over your clavicle into your pectoral muscles, which girls have too. In fact, girls' pecs are sometimes even more tense than boys because they're holding up the breasts which is why you have to wear a bra. It's science. For real, I don't even have to touch them, I can just touch around them.

Check out this fractals video I just bought
Is your mind blown yet? Hang on. Grab that Redi-Whip can. No, don't shake it. Just put your mouth around the nozzle and squeeze. Now check out those fractals. Pretty cool, right? All right, just don't tell mom or I'll kick your ass.

Not Liking Something Isn't The Same Thing As Having An Allergy
It's not like you even remember the last time you had a reaction. I'm pretty sure almond butter is different from peanut butter anyway. So in the final countdown, a peanut allergy isn't that big of a deal and you should grow a pair and just eat the dumb sandwich already.

This Is Gonna Be Awesome
Just shut up! Wait for it. Be patient, when this comes off man... it's gonna be totally epic. Okay, give me the lighter.

http://img.michaeljacksonspictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/popcorn-blank.gif

Look, All You Have To Say Is That I Was In My Room All Night
How hard is that? Okay, look, I'll give you some of my Playboys, all right? But you better hide 'em good. Not like those fireworks I gave you. Just back me up and I'll make it worth your while.

i like the transition from "coolest kid in the after-school club" to "worst stepdad"

If you want a free show, go watch birds at the park.

oi mates

Your Back Muscles Wrap Around to Your Breasts So If You Really Want The Best Massage, I Have to Rub On Your Front

lol

Saying "Everybody Masturbates" Is Not The Same Thing as Saying "I Jack Off"
This is the last time I'm going to say this: all guys do it. The pope and the president and John Cena and it's totally natural. Sometimes it helps you get to sleep and it reduces stress. But I am not saying that I do it. Even though it would be totally okay if I did. But I don't. And I swear, if you say I do one more time, I am gonna beat your ass so bad.

Stay Away From Old Man Haggerty's Shed
He's fucking crazy. I heard he killed a kid and ate him. He went crazy ever since his wife died and now he just wants kids to have just the worst time. Whoever told you I have a secret stash of Penthouse behind that shed is a fucking liar. Who told you that? I swear to fucking God I'll end them

That Wasn't Pot, It Was Italian Seasoning
Yes it was! Doug wanted to make a pizza tonight so I told him I'd bring the seasonings over. I don't know why it smells like pot because I don't even know what pot smells like. Why do YOU know what pot smells like, that's the real question. Just get off my back for once, jeez.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

http://cbs12.com/news/local/vladimir-putin-arrested-at-publix

I applaud this revive.