Kids say the darndest things

I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

hahaha

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

hahaha

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

AWWWWW!!!

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

nothing like this ever happens to me

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

haa :)

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

nickelodeon brainwash

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

I know, I love it.

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

keep that one around!

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

Agreed. That's so cute.

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

^ That is awesome.

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Future son‘s latest thing is fighting to stay awake when he has something that he wants to do, then giving in immediately when he realizes he can’t do that thing.

Two days ago, we were driving home from an event, with plans to go play outside, when it started raining:
FS: It’s raining
Me: Yeah. I’m sorry, buddy. Looks like we won’t be able to play in the yard.
FS: Awww….snores

Last night:
Me (turning off TV): Well, it’s time to snuggie-down.
FS: But Scooby-Doo’s almost on.
Me: Sorry, buddy: it’s late.
FS (within 20 seconds): snores

Ava's two-part exploration of Bossness, with special reference to World Poverty.

Last night -
"Sometimes little children can be the boss. You get to be the boss sometimes, Daddy, but kids can be the boss too. Sit down over here next to me for a DISCUSSION."
Tonight -
"Some people don't ever get to be the boss. Some people don't have any food or clothes or medicine. They just cough."

LOL.

RS's co-worker's husband let their 4 year old watch Austin Powers last week after which said to her, "Mom, you're kind of a lot like fat bastard." !!!

We let ours (4 also) watch Gremlins a few weeks ago, after which he kept immitating the "flasher" Gremlin from the bar scene.

If you were thinking about letting your kids watch Gremlins, that's one of many things to note, along with Phoebe Cates breaking it down about the non-existence of Santa(this was during a boring grown-up part though, so I don't think he noticed).

Gremlins was one of those movies that pushed the MPAA over the edge to create a PG-13 rating.

yeah my kids so want to see gremlins but it ain't happening

re: PG-13, I always thought indiana jones and the temple of doom was the proverbial straw?

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

― HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, March 17, 2009 6:53 PM (2 weeks ago) Bookmark

a woman I work with once had this exchange with her 6 year old daughter as they were getting ready to go out

kid: where the fuck are my socks?
parent: WHAT?
kid: my SOCKS! where the fuck are my SOCKS!

lolz

Temple of Doom, Gremlins, POLTERGEIST (!!!!) were all PG movies that led to PG-13.

Beeps is getting to that age now where I'm starting to be more aware of what we're watching on TV. I was rocking her the other night and started watching "Summer of Sam". It starts with the sound of a dog barking and then moves on to show Berkowitz humping the mattress in his tighty-whities. Beeps is on her puppy kick right now, so became interested at the dog barking and by the time the scene cut to two girls sitting in a parked car, I decided that she was starting to soak a little too much in.

yeah my kids so want to see gremlins but it ain't happening

It was in the check-out line at the supermarket and it had a cute little fuzzy guy on the cover. I had no idea.

That might be a good thread idea -- "what would you warn new parents about that you learned the hard way?"

Yeah, sorry. This has gone a little off topic.

(Without wanting to prolong the thread digression any further - Poltergeist was actually an "X" in UK on release (and the US-equivalent "R" over there); the "15" category was introduced about a year later, and Poltergeist was reassigned to that. I think Poltergeist was downgraded to PG or PG-13 on appeal in the US. I have a very specific memory of this as 14-y-o me couldn't believe that I wasn't allowed to see the new Spielberg film!)

I saw Poltergeist at 8 years old, and couldn't do anything---anything---alone for almost a year. If I ever go to therapy, I'm sure Poltergeist will be a chief topic.

My kids, the oldest of whom is 8, is afraid of The Little Mermaid, so we won't make the same mistake my parents did.

more on topic: today my youngest (age 2) blathered something angrily at lunch that she punctuated with something that sounded like "dammit". My wife said, well, she knows how to use her "dangit". My daughter then blurted, "I didn't say dangit, I said dammit" and emphasized a few more times the "mmm" in "dammit" to make sure we understood her.

Great.

yeah I think I was 9 or 10 when I saw poltergeist which makes me think it must have been a G or M but my dad also took me to texas chainsaw massacre when i was a year or so younger and that was definitely rated R

(M in australia meaning anyone can get in but its recommended for 16(?) and over)

http://www.impawards.com/1982/posters/poltergeist.jpg

^^ With the PG Rating...

Wouldn't it just be something if we all watched Poltergeist again and realize that it wasn't really that bad?

btw that is a std strategy for dealing w/PTSD

just fyi

I was too scared to sit through Ghostbusters and made my mom leave the theater because I couldn't handle it. I've still never seen the whole thing. I should watch it now and get over the FEAR.

Don't do it, you'll never eat another marshmallow.

Sorry, still with the films but we watched Goonies the other day - and I would have sworn that there was nothing PG-13 (or 12 I think is the UK equivalent - kind of) about it but we're only a few minutes in and Child No.2 says "What did he say? Did he say shit? You're not supposed to say shit are you?"

The 11 year old thought it was the best "kids" film ever - it's even got willy jokes!

Wouldn't it just be something if we all watched Poltergeist again and realize that it wasn't really that bad?

Because i haven't watched that shit in over 20 years.

― •--• --- --- •--• (Pleasant Plains), Wednesday, April 1, 2009 10:54 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i dont know.. being scared of the new dunkin donuts ad is probably a good sign im not ready

I've watched Poltergeist a few times since 1982 and some of it's cheesy now, like the giant face popping out of the closet. But the build-up is still epically scary (the way those storm clouds roll in!); the meat/eroding face thing remains creepy; and the corpses in the swimming pool, yuck.

My daughter has already snuck in a few "dammit"s this morning, it looks like we're headed for trouble here, with the conservative mother-in-law coming to stay with us for a week starting tomorrow.

some of it's cheesy now, like the giant face popping out of the closet.

ok ok stfu please i'm not ready yet, oh god.

I will show mercy and not embed this image

http://www.thegreenhead.com/imgs/poltergeist-clown-3.jpg

oh shit I'd forgotten about the clown

My daughter has already snuck in a few "dammit"s this morning, it looks like we're headed for trouble here, with the conservative mother-in-law coming to stay with us for a week starting tomorrow.

yeah this is a major problem, you don't want to go "don't say that, never say that" cuz that guarantees she will say it whenever she wants to get a rise out of you

when my son was 3 or 4 we were in the bathroom, he was washing his hands and I was whizzing. he glanced over and casually remarked "nice big penis, dad."

things always look bigger when you're a child

yeah we laughed at it yesterday (big mistake) but ignored it this morning and so I'm hoping if we watch our mouths for a while we'll be ok long-term. She's still a mumbler so you have to pay attention to catch the cussing. We're in that hard transition between when you could say anything when the kid is around and figure it won't make a serious impression, to when everything seems to stick.

xpost hell yeah, I've been there too

My wife is about to give birth. Her C-section's scheduled for Monday, but honestly, she could go at any minute. So last night we were all driving home from somewhere and she was moaning about her discomfort and my six-year-old goes:

"I want to bleed beautiful blood! I want to be pregnant in pain!"

My six-year-old son. : )

haaaaaa

good luck btw!

Thank you. I was doing pretty well until yesterday, but now I am extremely stressed out. I would like to fast-forward a couple of days, seriously.

what's up, ugly girls?

Zac, myself and 3 yr old Julia went to an apple orchard the other day and picked from trees of several different varieties, so at some point one of us referred to the "Empire apples". as we soon found out, Julia apparently heard "VAMPIRE apples" !! and maybe it makes us bad parents, but so far we're way too amused to correct her.

Oh yeah, when they're that young and they make cute little mistakes like that, in most cases it's okay to let it slide for a while.

Howie (after a small accident the other day): "Mummy take off my trants and pousers!"

Listen, this thread totally slept on "optical course." I'm telling ya.

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

― i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, March 17, 2009 9:54 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

^^^winner

haw I saw this thread bumped and wondered if I'd shared that here before.

2 yr old farted last night "hehehe i fahhted, do it again time"

lol

Owen got up from his nap yesterday feeling cranky, so Ben went over to him, sat down, and said "Owen - tell your feelings to me."

A: mummy, are you happy?
Me: well, I'm a bit tired and grumpy
A: but I want you to be happy. Are you happy?
Me: why do you want me to be happy?
A: I want you to be my friend

Poor love, I had to explain to him that my happiness wasn't directly related to how I felt towards him, that I could be unhappy but still loved him and was his friend :0(

2 yr old farted last night "hehehe i fahhted, do it again time"

love the boston accent

He just prank-called me:

"Dad, there's a man here who ... Mom-Mom wants to speak to you."
"Oh, okay buddy, why don't you put Mom-Mom on the phone?"
"YO MOMMA YO MOMMA YO MOMMA...HA HA HA HA HA! I GOT YOU!"

Owen: "I tried the salsa!"

Ben: "You mean like a flying salsa?"

hey he is from worcester, same thing Tracer!

My Wife: The 40s are not ancient-history.

My 9-Year Old: Of course they are. The 70s are ancient-history.

My not-quite-2 yo daughter and my wife are "gorls" and I am a "bee". I always buzz when she says this, which makes my wife frown.

3-year-old Alice [sounding alarmed]: I'm growing out of my body!

And on the way home today:
A: can we go to the shop and buy some lollipops?
Me: do you have any money?
A: no.
Me: well, we can't buy lollipops if we haven't got any money.
A: can we first go to the money shop and buy some money, then?

Smart Alice!!

I read through this thread for the first time the other day and "Nice big penis, Dad" may be one of the funniest things ever. omg.

Our Alice (and our Amber) get amused by the stories of what they said when they were little..

One of the killer ones:

It was Easter, and Alice (about three) was doing a drawing of something which looked fairly random, inside an oval.
My Mum: "Oh, is that an Easter Egg"
Alice: "Yes"
Mum: "That's nice, so is that the Easter Bunny inside"
Alice: "No, it's a crocodile"
Mum: "Oh right." (thinks: OK, crocs do come out of eggs, so..) (points to a jagged line

oops:

Mum: "Oh right." (thinks: OK, crocs do come out of eggs, so..) (points to a jagged line) "Yes, I can see his teeth there."
Alice (loudly) :"THAT'S HIS BLANKET!!"

My mum has to leave the room to avoid ROTFWLaughing)

"No Ben. Transformers aren't animals; they're robots. That's why they do lots of stuff and transform."

Howie (while stroking Archie's hair): "Archie, you are the most beautiful Archie I've EVER seen!"

omg awwww

too cute!

3 year old logic is great. Aidan wouldn't come with us to the scan so we showed him the (rubbish) pics when we got back but he wanted to see the baby. I explained he couldn't see it as it was in mummy's tummy, his reply was "take it out mummy, I want to see it!"

hahahahaha amazing - also, congratulations!

Henry: "AhhhhBah! AhhhhhhbBah!"
Beeps: "You can say that again!!"

Beeps: "Mommy! You're hair is getting lighter!"
Me: "I know!"
Beeps: "But why?"
Me: "I don't know"
Beeps: "Maybe it will keep getting lighter and lighter"
Me: "Maybe. Maybe it will look like it did before (Blonde). Did you like it like that?"
Beeps: "Yeah because when its light little children can wake up inside it!"
Me: "Little children???"
Beeps: "Yeah"
Me: "What does that mean??
Beeps: "*sigh* I don't know!!"

hahahahaha

*sigh*

it's hard work, bein little

hahaha

I can't get over this, but Henry at 13-months is saying "Thank you" in a very low-key sort of way. He's been going Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma and Da-da-da-da-da for some time now, but these are actual words with an applied meaning. And it's "Thank you."

For comparison's sake, my first words were "Leave me alone" and Beeps' was "Uh-oh." Don't know what sunny's was, probably "Another Weetabix please" or something.

i was with a couple of little kids last weekend and one of them, a girl, was playing with her plastic toy computer. and she looks up at me with a pained expression and whines:

"it says it's not connected to the internet but i know that it is!!"

testify, sister

Owen made Ben spill his water, and we got angry at him. He then sulked over to my wife and gave her a hug.

Owen: "I'm not hugging you; you're hugging me, because you yelled at me."

Veronica: "oh shit I want some hummus"

Uh oh...

veronica otm

hahahahaha

: D

Ad on TV: ".. and eight out of ten people agree this (whatever) performed the best"

Alice (now 10): "hmm. I wanna know what the other two said"

i was at office xmas party and people brought their kids. a lot of the kids already knew each other from hanging out before. one little girl walked into the room:

boy: lily's here! [walks up to her, pauses] did she shrink?

lol

Me and the Beeps in my car parked at a strip mall waiting for my mom to pick up the pizzas we'd ordered.
Me: "Ooooh I want to look inside that thrift store."
Beeps: "Me too! Let's go!"
Me: "Sorry, Babydoll. Its closed right now."
Beeps: "No its not."
Me: "uhhh yes it is.
Beeps: "NO its NOT"
Me: "YES it IS"
Beeps: "NO ITS NOT!!"
Me: "YES IT IS!!!"
Beeps:" YES ITS NOT!!!"
Me: ***silence***
Beeps: "Mommy, I said 'YES ITS NOT!'"
Me: "Look, lady, don't be trying that game on me. I INVENTED that game!'
Beeps: "Yeah? Well I HATED that game!!!!"

LOL.

Veronica: the horse has to get a tattoo to prove himself!
Me: wtf

Real life lols right here

Seems like everyday they have a conversation based around their endless play-adventures which cracks us up. Yesterday, Ava was conducting a chat between two reindeers...

R1: "Why are you sitting down, we have so much to do!"
R2: "Haven't you heard? Christmas is cancelled because all the children have been turned into SKELETONS!"

Right now, they're dangling their Lego Bionicles over the banister on the stairs (on string/ribbon which Ava appears to have knotted herself) and are talking to each other in robot voices. They've been doing this for HALF AN HOUR. Oh, and now it's a robot sea shanty.

:) My boys call them Bahnicles.

Wtf is a Bionicle? We're still on Lego Duplo...

i thought it was like steve austin and jamie somers???

apparently Veronica has now named several of her Legos people after the members of Schwantz's family ("does Tracy want to ride the bus? wait for Ben and Owen!" lol)

:)

Beeps and I were at McDonald's on Saturday where an employee (who was young and, as I would reluctantly point out, a bit dimwitted) came by our table. He asked how old she was and I told him almost four. Then he asked if I was her grandfather.

Now, I had gone out and stayed past curfew for the first time in awhile the night before. I was unshaven, wearing my glasses and a checkered flannel shirt. But man, even from someone who appeared to not be all there, it kind of hit hard. Even after the guy moseyed on, Beeps picked up on it right away.

B: "That man said you were my grandfather."
PP: "Yes, I heard him."

OLD WOMAN IN BOOTH BEHIND US: "It's okay! You don't look that old!"

Anyway. I think Beeps thinks she's found something useful to use in conversation. Like yesterday, as we were getting ready for me to take her and her little brother over to my dad's house.

B: "Where are we going?"
PP: "You're going to spend the afternoon with your grandparents."
B: "I'm going to spend the afternoon with you?"
PP: "I'm not your grandfather!"
B: "Well, everyone says you are."

From upstairs, I could hear Sunny exploding with laughter. She's the one who transcribed the above conversation.

Hah.

Not quite as bad, but from Howie who'd drawn a picture of his family the other day: "That one is Daddy, that one is Howie and that one is Archie. And that one (points at short stumpy one) is you, Mummy, because you are very short."

"I'm not a snack, I'm a person!"

omg

That was too all of the recent updates btw.

On rainforest fauna:

'Is the rainforest where reindeer live?'
'Is it called an aye-aye because it has two eyes?'

Ben (looking at a picture on my shirt): "That's a barrel."

Owen: "Keep your paws to yourself is a bear-rule."

clver!

During a conversation about where babies come from:

Howie: "When me and Archie were in your tummy we played lots of games together."
Me: "I don't think you were in my tummy at the same time as Archie. You came out two years earlier."
Howie (brightly): "That means I won!"

Ah, but ...

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

― Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

So, Howie and Archie were definitely in, at the same time!

Proven by science!

Lulu made a sort of dog today, from crepe paper and plastic. "Daddy, he's very strong and if you try to break him, he will set you on fire." "Wow, what's his name?" (pause) "His name is If You Try To Break Him He Will Set You On Fire."

And They Will Know Him By the Trail of People Who Tried to Break Him and Were Subsequently et on Fire

No, you see, Daddy He's Very Strong and If You Try To Break Him He Will Set You On Fire is the name of my dog.

"Mummy, you are good at telling off, and opening."

Me: Cole can you pick up that (unused) diaper on the floor please?
Cole: Daddy, that is NOT a diaper, THAT is a pull-up.
Me: Ok pal.

I have that exact same conversation once a week.

this is not as exciting as many of these updates, but my 18-month old exclaims "OHHHH DUDE!" whenever she sees an airplane.

hahahahaha

i guess it is an appropriate response to seeing an airplane.

totally

whenever cole see an airplane he yells out "BUZZ LIGHTYEAR TO FINITEE AND BEYON"

"daddy i washed my WEINER"

where the f did he learn that one.

not a sentence, but this morning my son did a gigantic poo in his potty (he is potty training) and disappeared behind the door on his way to empty it out in the toilet - he came back a second later kind of grinning and held up his hand for a high-five

(and then went and emptied it)

haha. i am scared of potty training, but i guess we'll have to get going on it soon. our friends with a slightly older kid did this potty training "boot camp" kind of thing where it was like an intense weekend of not leaving the house ... which sounded terrible, but it seems to have worked?
anyhoo, my daughter's main verbal thing now is "book-a-book-a-book-a!" repeated over and over when she wants to read a book. or read another book.

From last Friday: "I hope Godzilla's okay."

: |

Oh, and he's got the chorus to Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla" stuck in his head too.

"WWGD?"

> "I hope Godzilla's okay."

don't let him watch the very first godzilla film - they explode all the oxygen in the water where he is and the last thing you see is his ribcage settling on the bottom.

luckily for the franchise this is followed by a scientist saying that further nuclear testing could easily produce more godzillas.

Yeah, he thinks black and white is boring anyways. : )

BEEPS: You should grow a mustache.

ME: You don't think you'd get just a little scared if I started walking around with a mustache?

BEEPS: Well. You don't have to grow a REALLY BIG mustache! [holds her hands out to imaginary cat whiskers.]

Me personally, I find the smaller mustaches even scarier.

aw

once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

― i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, March 17, 2009 4:54 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I am LOLing so hard here...

Yesterday, at preschool:

Teacher: So when you breathe in (mimes breathing in, shows her chest puff out), where does the air go?
Other Kid: Your stomach?
Teacher: No...
Ben: Oh! Your boobies!

It's a wonder more babies don't get the hiccups.

"I'm a sassy pooper!"

you sure are, kid

hahahahaha

Old People Say The Darndest Things would of been a good show

Would be called "Kind of LOL But Mostly Sad"

Ava has started to convene twice-daily meetings in her bedroom where she is the mayor and she tells us her opinions and summarises recent events. She reverses the big armchair, clambers in, leans on a cushion and delivers her speech. It lasts about 20min.

Last night I got the lowdown on how practically everyone in her class had dressed on World Book Day (of course, on WBD itself she was totally unforthcoming about this - we had to wait until she rolled out the info) and "things I like about my sister". This included "things she makes from Lego - you can see an example of her work over there" and "her love for hippos". I also learned that the plush hippos are called "Spotius" and "Big Fat" or, alternatively, "Surrey Hike" and "Plantar Boardby".

"The next mayor meeting is at ONE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING and I need both you and Mummy to be there." Thankfully we had it at 7:15am instead.

Lulu has also been invited to participate. She mostly talks about her bunny and pulls hilarious faces.

What band's EP would look like this?

1. Spotius
2. Big Fat
3. Surrey Hike
4. Plantar Boardby

Deerhunter

"things she makes from Lego - you can see an example of her work over there"

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 A V A <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

also

"things I like about my sister . . . her love for hippos"

hysterical

show Lulu this picture of a mama and baby hippo - I bet she'd love it: http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/216392_10150179343042147_28896772146_6800898_746566_n.jpg

Haaa...Michael, that is fantastic.

Lulu was totally charmed by the hippo picture, btw!

:D

chill fuckin hippos

Playground exchange:

Other kid: I'm black, you're white!
Veronica: I'm white, you're black!
Other kid: I'm the Hulk!
Veronica: I'm Cinderella!

US race relations SOLVED

"what's happening, Pancho Villa?"

tbf I WAS wearing an oversized novelty sombrero

LOL

Ben just said to Owen "I'm not mean, I'm just naughty."

honestly I think kids saying funny stuff is like the number three reason I would like to have kids

Lulu is wearing her Powerpuff Girls T-shirt to bed.
L: I am the one with blonde hair, Ava is the one with a red bow, Mummy is the one with black hair.
Me: Who am I?
A: Maybe you're the writing underneath.
L: NO, NO, Daddy's the stars on my knickers!

HAHAHAHAAHA

IRL LOL.

mike = professor utonium, obviously

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/2/2b/Professor_Utonium_PPG.jpg/160px-Professor_Utonium_PPG.jpg

A & L playing with Lego and figures on the landing upstairs...

L: "Who are they? Are they OK?"
A: "That's Ramshacklee, Ramshackala and Ramshackle. But their names don't matter - they've fallen off a 100-foot cliff."
L: "Are you going to bury them?"
A: "No, I'll wait for them to come alive again."
L: "Ok. I'm going SWIMMING! To feed the sharks with LOVELY GRASS!"

And so on. FOR HOURS.

http://www.cocaineblunts.com/blunts/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/rammellzee.jpg

That's exactly who I thought of.

Ramshacklee, Ramshackala and Ramshackle. But their names don't matter - they've fallen off a 100-foot cliff.

Sounds like the premise for an awesome television serial.

Exchange between my friend and his daughter:

Him: "I may never understand your need to make everything more difficult for everyone."
Her: "Everyone has needs, Dad."

Sunny trying to coax some problem-solving…

MOM: Well, Beeps, ask yourself where you last saw him.
BEEPS: BUT, I can't ask myself a question!

Us taking off on a flight to Missouri last week:

Me: Sweetie, take your pacifier. It will help your ears.
Chloe: *sticks pacifier in ear*

screaming at the top of his lungs last night while my wife was at paul simon..."I WANT YODA, I WANT SAUSAGES". Daddy wants a vacation.

"I WANT YODA, I WANT SAUSAGES" - new board description plz

Exchange between my friend and his daughter:

Him: "I may never understand your need to make everything more difficult for everyone."
Her: "Everyone has needs, Dad."
--Darin

Lol. This sounds like Kirby and his daughter, Darin.

You are correct, sir!

Ben, the other day to my stepmom:

"When you're mean to your friends, that's when you know you're alive."

Uh oh.

lol, that is disgraceful.

oh my god. something tells me ben is going to excel in high school.

If only he was a girl...

My daughter has very clearly been enunciating "daddy" all week and I've been stoked because she's sorta been doing mama and dada and baba (for bottle), but it hasn't been very distinct. I felt very proud for a couple of days until, after careful observation, I realized that she thinks "daddy" means "cat".

ahahahaha

awww :D

There was some story on ILX a long time ago about someone's kid thinking toast meant frog and I wish I could remember the deetz because it was pretty funny iirc.

Stories from the past:

In Supermarket, Alice aged 2.

Alice: "MARK!!!"
Me: "Alice, I'm your dad! I'm not your mother's boyfriend!"
Alice: "a Ha hahaha ha!"

toast:
Hello Mudduh Hello Fadduh: ILX Rolling Parenting Thread

:)

TOAST!

baby has learned to "meow" (more like a high-pitched howl) when she sees our cats or pictures of cats.
the other day we were at the pool, and there were a bunch of kids from the boys & girls club swimming around. i said "hey look at all the kiddies!" she started meowing. she thought i said kitties.

that's so cute

"daddy?"

"yes?"

"i don't like your shirt"

lol

We were all playing with their nanny Allison the other day.

Ben: "I love you, Allison."

Allison: "Awwww. Thanks Ben!"

Ben: "If you leave, I make you die."

Walking past a schoolyard being mowed by a big green tractor.
"I love tractors! Tractors are my favourite colour!"
"Really? Your favourite colour is green?"
"No, my favourite colour is tractors!"

E (4 year old boy) runs into the room...

-- "Papa, it was gone and now it's back!"
-- "Mm. What was?"
-- "The moon. Yes!! [pumps fist] The moon likes me!"

This after the moon "followed" him on the drive home from the peace festival.

:D what a bunch of darlings.

Earlier this summer:

--"Papa, I found a dead ladybug. It was outside on the ground."
--"Oh, that's too bad..."
--"I put him in this [hollow plastic] egg."
--"What for?"
--"He's gonna stay there for a lo-o-o-o-ong time".

Riding home from daycare, staying in the flow of traffic, etc.

BEEPS: You know, none of us are talking to each other right now. It's been very quiet.
ME: … …. … Well. Yeah. How about you tell me about something you learned today during –
BEEPS: SSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!

last weekend

two year old nephew: tio, here, come here.
me (crossing room): okay, what is it?
two year old nephew: this is my butt

* moons me *

me: uhh ...

new year old nephew: (running out of the room to my sister) hahaha i show tio my butt!

LOL

Nephew is awesome.

lol @ beeps too

My neph: Auntie Lolo, pull me (across the pool) to the ladder!
Halfway there: I'm being a TRAILER!

---

5 mins later:

Neph: Now make me go like a boat!
Me: How do boats go??
Neph: FORWARD. (Duh.)

Two-and-a-half y.o. daughter at a controlled crosswalk: Now it says "WALK!" Now it says "HIGH FIVE!"

Ava is making a post-bedtime habit recently of calling down to me because she's "scared". Sometimes it's ghosts, sometimes it's faces she can see in the cardboard castle at the end of her bed...the other night it was because she was worrying about "pneumonia" and "Venus fly-traps"...

Then she had a rant the other day about needles (it must be three years since she had a jab)... "I HATE needles and I think all dentists should be DRAGGED OFF TO JAIL and all hospitals BURNED TO THE GROUND." "What about all the sick people, Ava?" "Well, I would make myself the health inspector and... (thinks) Oh no, that's hygiene in cafes..."

Showed the girls Star Wars for the first time yesterday.

Ava, sometime later: "I don't think Obi-Wan sacrificed himself, Daddy. I think he just wasn't paying attention."

Later, waiting for a bus:
"Maybe all the buses have been disqualified from running, like Bolt."
That's practically Radio 4 material!

ahahaha

Older daughter in the middle of the night when my wife was out of town: "Daddy, I can't sleep and I ... WHO IS THAT BEHIND YOU!!!"

Jesus. What was the darnedest thing that your wife said in response?

She was ... out of town. My daughter pulled that one on me! It was the middle of the night, though, so I just said "no one's there, go back to sleep."

And then I looked behind me.

Ben: This song is terrible.

Friend: It's called."Super Trouper."

Ben: It's super terrible.

<3 shows great promise

http://www.flickr.com/photos/princessparkle/6179715201/

Veronica tells an important story about Bowie and Mars

"just dance"

*melts*

L performs some new physical feat as an avoidance tactic, looks up at me with wide eyes:

"THAT was impressive!"

I HATE needles and I think all dentists should be DRAGGED OFF TO JAIL and all hospitals BURNED TO THE GROUND."

Man!!

It's all that Dahl and Snicket swimming around in her head.

"L stop banging your fork on the table"

"I'm sorry daddy. I'm just crazy"

LOL

Me: I love you, baby...

Ben: We're not babies!

Owen: No Ben, he meant "behbeh..."

Ava, sometime later: "I don't think Obi-Wan sacrificed himself, Daddy. I think he just wasn't paying attention."

This is f*cking hilarious!

"being a mom means you're old!"

^^^real talk

Had a hilarious conversation with Owen while he as on the can last night:

Owen: When I'm 7, you're going to be 41.
Me: That's right!
Owen: What?! How did I know that?

Owen: When I'm 8, you'll be 42. And when I'm 9, you'll be 43!
Me: Yep!
Owen: I didn't think I was smart, but I AM smart!

Owen (looking at a Lego catalog): This star wars ship is cool! I think it's even cooler than you to me.
Me: I'm pretty cool...
Owen: You're smart-cool.

"as" = "was"

lol

"mommy, I don't like Prada"

I'm starting to question Veronica's taste level...

on the other hand, the cheese-counter guy at Rainbow says she has a "refined palette"

Owen: Can R2D2 fly?
Me: No.
Owen: Does he have a jetpack so he can fly?
Me: No.
Owen: Well, he needs to get one.

One kid to another at school:

"Are you going because you want to go, or are you going because your brain is half as big as it should be?"

UNION PACIFIC TRAIN: "HHHhhhhhhUUUUUrrrrRRRWWwwww"
HENRY: "What."
UNION PACIFIC TRAIN: "HHHhhhhhhUUUUUrrrrRRRWWwwww"
HENRY: "What."

i'm sure i've seen r2d2 flying. episode 2.

Ben: I'm not obsessed with robots anymore.
Me: No? What are you obsessed with now?
Ben: Blue. I'm super-obsessed with that.

Owen, after I gave him a big piece of celery with peanut butter: That's what I'm talking about, Daddy!

On a crowded bus, I surrender my seat to a cute little girl, about 4yo, and her mom. Mom thanks me and I catch the kid's eye and say "Hi!" Kid just looks at me and her mom says, "Say hello!" With obvious trepidation, kid says "Hi…" then stage whispers to her mother accusingly, "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers!"

a few weeks ago my husband told some neighbourhood children that our dog's full name is professor harry brown and he saw them again yesterday and they ran over and patted harry and said, isn't your dog a doctor or something? while harry beamed at them moronically.

lol

:)

evie was sitting on the couch looking at the zooborns book that Jenny got her and she turned to the page with the okapi and said something that sounded exactly like "okapi." it was probably a random confluence of syllables that sounded like okapi but it sounded a hell of a lot like okapi.

okapis are awesome and I never heard of them until I was in my late 20s. Good work familiarizing her early.

Thought this was an good a place as any* for the highlight from Ava's blow-by-blow account of the nativity:

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7172/6655277141_dcac15cc78.jpg

(* - i.e. I searched for "darndest" as all the other threads are lost in the mists of time...was there one for stuff kids make?)

Hahaha thats fantastic! Reminds me of this exchange between me and the Beeps earlier this week:

I had to pick up a prescription from my OBGYN the other day which doesn't involve seeing the doc at all, just the receptionist. Anyway, Beeps was with me and when I told I needed to stop by my docs office for a moment:

Beeps: "*very fretfully* What if the doctor notices something wrong with me? What if he thinks I'm cold???"
Me: "Bee, we wont see the doctor. He'll be in the back with his patients. Even if we did he's not that kind of doctor. This kind of doctor helps ladies have babies. In fact he and your daddy were the first people to ever see you and Henry!"
Beeps: "I DONT WANT TO HAVE A BABY!!!! DON'T LET THE DOCTOR TAKE A BABY OUT OF MY BELLY, MOMMY!!!!!! *Now verging on tears with the choked up voice* MOMMY, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM DO IT!!"

BTW there is a photos your kids take thread but no art thread (i dont think?) One def needs to be started.

ILP rolling photo your kids take quarantine

Awwww Beeps! So cute.

ill type out our hooters conversation from today in a little while

hahahaha pls do!

Beeps and I often pass Hooters on the way the the pet store. Yesterday she says:

Beeps: 'Look at that owl! That's where the bad men go!!!

I guess at some point in the past she wanted to go in and i told her its just gross guys eating chicken wings and looking at the waitresses boobies.

Me: "Yep thats the place"
Beeps "If I went in the there and any of those men were mean to me.....
Me "well wait up a minute. Boys can't do ANYTHING to you until your 18 because they'll end up in Jail if Mommy doesn't kill them first and even after your 18 if a boy tries to do anything to you dont want him to hes going to jail then too. If Mommy doesn't kill; him first, of course."
Beeps: "If one of them tried to do anything to me i'd kick them with my boots and then I'd punch them with my boots"
Me: "Well first ou want to scream real big them start beating the crap out them!" Hey, you how boys are different in the front than girl's?
Beeps: 'Yeah"
Me; :Well they can get REALLY sore there. You get a good swift knee or boot in that area and they'll fall to the ground and cry and wont be able to get up"
Beeps: 'HAHAHAHA and you know what else I'd do Mommy? id kick them down into something really sticky so they'd could never get up again"
Me; Haha. Great idea!

I think she's gonna turn out just fine!

that is darndest+++

<3

Thumbs up! How old is beeps nowadays?

she'll be 5 in march. how did that happen???

Damn, I don't want to have to explain to my baby girl about the bad men at Hooters before she's like 8 or 9 or something. : (

I think possibly the third or at most fourth thing that went through my mind when I found out I was having a daughter was "as soon as she's old enough I'm going to explain to her about how she should kick guys in the nards if they try anything"

(Sometimes I feel like such a troll dad.)

BEEPS
Daddy, aliens don't exist, right?

ME
Right. Until we're proven otherwise.

BEEPS
And there's no such thing as ghosts?

ME
No such thing as ghosts. Those are only pretend on TV.

BEEPS
What about volcanos?

ME
Volcanos? Oh, those things are everywhere. Here, let me show you some pictures on my iPhone...

oh lord

Beeps spent weeks before her birthday begging for her very own goldfish. She told us how she would LOVE the fish SO much and make sure it was happy and heathy and loved all the time. I hated the idea but finally we relented and her grandfather bought her a 5gal tank with glow in the dark plants, a spongebob pineapple house, neon pebbles etc Like a totally tricked out tank.

So a couple of weeks later the water is disgusting. Like I mean her entire room smelled of fish crap. This was partly pp and my fault because we just can't seem to get the whole bio circle in sync and partly beeps and henrys fault for feeding the fish 9 pinches of food at a time a gazillion times a day and not using the water conditioner stuff that i guess kills the poop and keeps the water health .

Anyway, I peered into the murky water to catch a glimpse of 'Princess Pink' and there she was swimming about just fine BUT her previously golden body had changed to black fins and black lines around her gils. I later learned these are ammonia burns and aren't fatal but at the time it freaked me out because it looks really bad.

Me (Shocked and semi-hysterical): "Beatrice!! Look at princess pink! HER TAIL AND GILS ARE BLACK!!!"
Beeps (Giving the fish tank a cursory glance and speaking very calmly): "Oh. Why does she have black?"
Me (Now passive aggressive (yeah - I know) and still semi-hysterical): "Uhhhh maybe because she's breathing in FILTH from the FILTHY gross water she swimming in which is filthy and gross because no one puts water cleaner in it and she gets fed 100 times a day??????"
Beeps (Still calm and looking at her LeapPad): "Hmmmm...Is she sick?"
Me (Checking my bad parenting and speaking much more calmly): "Well, I dont know but she doesn't look so good"
Beeps (SO Nonchalantly): "*Sigh* Oh well. She was a good fish"
Me:(Incredulous)"BEATRICE! SHES NOT DEAD YET!!"
Beeps: "oh yeah." (shoulder shrug)

GAH

"my arm is too windy"

Oh well. She was a good fish

:D

premature beepitaph

Ben: it still smells like pizza in my throat. Oh! I mean uvula!

they're learning

evie's new thing is laying down on the ground very slowly, saying "oh no i fall down" then immediately saying "are you ok? are you ok?" (because that's what we say to her when she falls down)

awwww

"26, 27, 28, THIRTY!!"

"you forgot 29"

"there is NO TWENTY NINE IN MY LIFE!!"

LOL!

I got in trouble the other night because Beeps told sunny how there's a man who lives in the ground, under the dirt, and at night, he comes into the house and throws dirt at everyone's faces. When asked from where she got this information, Beeps replied "From Daddy."

So I had to explain that I had told her about THE SANDMAN, lightly sprinkling crystals into her eyes to make her go to sleep (and why she had eye boogers in the morning, the reason this all came up in the first place.) SHE'S the one who came up with dudes buried alive in the yard and shit.

My friend's 2-year-old got the same haircut as me. When I pointed it out to her, she said, "We both look so cute!" She has a half-inflated football she calls Frogbot.

Ava decided to rename her band last night - "I don't want us to be Mr Cool any more, in case people don't think we're cool, because the name would be silly. We're now Pitchfork Pandemonium. Because I have a guitar shaped like a pitchfork*." (* - it is a plastic pitchfork) Lulu immediately made herself the singer, wearing pants on her head, two pairs of socks on her hands and Mum's cardigan. Creative differences immediately:
A: "We're not doing a song called Barbie Band!"
L (singing): "Barbie is lovely..."
A: "I'm going to guitar practice!"
L: "Then I'm going to singing club!"
They re-emerge...
L: "This song is called Wonderful Daisies."
A: (groans) "Ok then."
A makes neow-neow gtr sounds, while L sings "I am going in a garden / It has a lovely bench / We went on a swing that was shaped like a tyre / The ground was covered in daisies".

It took me until 10:30 last night to get Ava to sleep.

lolz at all of these...

funny in particular about the guy who lives in the ground because my 2 1/2 year old has started talking about NIGHT GUY. Which sounds pretty creepy (we haven't shown her any It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia). But she says his name in this excited voice, like he's a fun dude. "NIGHT GUYYYYYY!" If you ask her what Night Guy does, she just says "He sleeps."

I think going to gigs in the US has had a profound effect on our girls. "I want to be a rock star as well as an author now, Daddy," says Ava, "but I worry that with all the soundchecks I won't have time to write my stories."

Ava and Lulu killing it omg.

I wd like Ava to be my train conductor every day, even if she does seem skeptical about the validity of the bar car argument.

She told me I would have to stay on the train for FIVE DAYS to get to Kalamazoo, even though Lulu was going to Liverpool and her ride was only two days long--that hardly seems fair. Miraculously, I was ordered off right around the time I ran out of beer.

I'm going to go through all our photos with them at some point, and make sure they don't forget any of their new Stateside aunts and uncles.

I will bribe their memories with American children's books <--unfair advantage even though they have no idea who I am.

evie got a pair of my boxers out of the clean (fortunately) laundry, held them up in front of herself, and said "i like my tutu!"

One of the tasks I worked on on Mechanical Turk was analyzing transcripts of children's speech. I was this close to emailing the researchers that I worked for and telling them that their tasks were the most adorable ones on the entire site.

"I had the weasels!" --my husband at 6-7 years old after a certain now rare childhood illness.

After having that illness, I mean.

PPs first words: 'Leave me alone"
<3

Lol no way.

a couple of times now evie has described food that she didn't want to eat as "boogers" (one time it was avocado, another time hummus)

heard a kid in an NPR piece say, when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, replied: "a soldier, a computer expert, and an. . . exterminator."

pplains's Sandman story is killing me :-D

"you taste like peanut butter, grasshoppers, and a fireplace"

I think I had that dish at Coi!

Owen: "I want to be a space alien, so I can pick up bad guys in my flying saucer and throw them into the garbage truck!"

Ben: "I want to have a space suit that has computers, and night-vision goggles, and shoots french fries at bad guys!"

parents are having a serious conversation after breakfast, I start a sentence "sometimes...", kinda trail off

my nine year old pipes in, straight faced, "you gotta live mas", then grins

that's my boy!

nice

Henry, on mother's day, in packed restaurant, at the top of his lungs, busts out with some Katy Perry "BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!"

hahahaha <3

my Dad (David) used to tell people on the bus as a toddler that his name was Burset. My Grandma was mortified and never figured out where he got that name from.

One of my friends went through a phase when he was little where he'd only answer when people addressed him as Hong Kong Phooey. He even has books from that time where it says This Book Belongs To: Joanh Hong Kong Phooey.

haha

*reading 'Pinocchio'*

ME: Do you know what a conscience is? It's supposedly what makes you know the difference between good and bad.

BEEPS: I already know the difference between good and bad.

ME: Well, yeah. But just like you use your hand to pick up your milk there, you use your conscience to know what's right and wrong.

I start reading the book again. She starts punching her own forehead.

ME: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BEEPS: There. No more conscience. Let's finish the book.

Little girls are at their best when charmingly amoral, and Beeps is a fairly wonderful example. None of that pesky conscience for me, thanks.

evie's grandpa got her one of those board books with a finger puppet of a bee in it, like this:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UPJ4-0s41Mk/TqJ_Fsf5rVI/AAAAAAAAAfM/h0145klM-5k/s1600/beee9780811852364-crop-325x325.jpg
she pushed the puppet inside out through the back of the book, then pointed at it and said "bee bottom"

"I've got a case of the hippies"

While discussing the King of the Hill episode about Dale's gay dad:

Wife: So when you grow up, are you gonna marry a girl or are you gonna join the gay rodeo?
Son: When I grow up I'm gonna be a journalist for ten years, then I'm going to war.

Woah!

"daddy, how about this. i've got a new game. it's called dying.... children"

lord almighty

he's 3.5 years old...

haa

Right now Dalton is doing this extremely adorable thing where he's convinced that our dog Maebelle's full name is actually Our Dog Maebelle and so he refers to her as "Our Dog" (dropping her last name).

Me: "What's her name?"
D: "OUR DOG!"
Me: "No silly it's Maebelle."
D: "OUR DOG! OUR DOG! OUR DOG!"

Very cute. Unfortunately he also thinks his name is "You" right now, which is also adorable, but sort of unfortunate too.

Henry won't say his name.

Ask him who his friends are, and he'll list them out for him. Ask him what his name is, and he'll say "Wyatt". (another boy in his class.)

I finally heard him say his name the other night, but he was making reference to one of the other train engines in a Thomas book.

He also calls all cats "Pye", who was our beloved cat.

Pye died this week and last night he pointed at the other cat ("Rocket") and went PYE!

Maybe we should rename the other cat Wyatt.

Pyeatt? :D

[driving through the mountains]
sylvie: [quietly] are we in the mountains?
me: yep.
sylvie [screaming] WE ARE NOT IN THE MOUNTAINS!!!!!!

Ask him who his friends are, and he'll list them out for him. Ask him what his name is, and he'll say "Wyatt". (another boy in his class.)

omg

This is hilarious. I mostly can't wait to have kids because they're the funniest.

x-post - lollllllllll

View Previous Page...
"OK, Sterling, this is your stuffed frog, this is your stuffed monkey, and this is your stuffed toast."
"Toast!" (pointing at frog)

"No no, that's the frog. This is the toast! Can you point at the toast?"

"Toast!" (pointing at frog)

"No, this is the toast! Here's the frog. Can you say 'frog'?"

[grabs stuffed frog, crawls across room, puts it on top of much larger rocking frog, points at them:] "Toast!"

― Douglas (Douglas), Monday, 12 June 2006 21:45 (6 years ago) Permalink

I still think of the frog/toast mix-up often.

we've been reading "hop on pop" a lot recently. last week we were reading it and it was the "HE ME - he got me. JIM HIM - jim got him." page and evie said "jim jim!" and then just started cracking up like she said something hilarious then said "jim jim!" again and cracked up again. every time i tried to start reading again she'd interrupt with "jim jim!" and then laugh. so then i just read the rest of the book as "jim jim, jim jim jim jim jim jim jim jim" to make her laugh.

See? That's hilarious and awesome. jim jim! Evie otm.

Ohmigod Hop On Pop is Dalton's favorite book. "Hop POP! HOP POP!"

The "We FIGHT at NIGHT" part used to grab Beeps a little.

I mean, yikes.

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-CGICBeJ8W14/TYCd0SsH-jI/AAAAAAAAAp4/_0YCnJeWn-A/hop_on_pop_003.JPG

what the hell are red ned ted and ed all doing in bed together is what i want to know

Also thinks Mrs Brown ought to be suspicious of what Mr Brown and Mr Black have been up to.

too young to worry about mr. blonde

i have a theory that the "ted" in "red ned ted and ed in bed" is supposed to be a self-caricature of theodore "ted" geisel aka dr. seuss. it doesn't look like a normal dr. seuss character.

apparently I STILL smell like peanut butter and grasshoppers.

"so God is like a robot that flies around in space with nobody inside it?"

^ after a couple of minutes of earnestly attempting an objective description of God

"so God is like a robot that flies around in space with nobody inside it?"

new board description/life motto imo

Ben, today, on that subject: "I'm God."

bookini

even on safe-search strict, a gis for boo-ini is pretty nsfw.

Owen, while watching a full moon come out from behind the fog:
"It's Werewolf time, baby!"

"so God is like a robot that flies around in space with nobody inside it?"

otm, kid.

i want to screen print that on the back of my hunter age 3 t-shirt

"mom your labia smells like goats" (my 3.5 yo)

omg waht?

"I want to take off your face and see your skeleton face!" = Sylvie's parting shot before bed last night.

Awesome and yet slightly scary.

Been working on spelling, synonyms lately.

ME: [Points to picture of trash can.] Now, what is that?
BEEPS: Trash.
ME: That's right! Now what else could it be called?
BEEPS: [Thinks hard.]
ME: Gggggaaa… Think about that day of the week when I run around the house bagging stuff up, taking it to the curb. What day is that? Ggggg…..?

[b]BEEPS[/]: Wednesday?

HAHAHA

got my first "daddy, help me!" today.

it's the longest sentence she's put together so far.

Got my first screamed "I NEED A FIRE TRUCK! FIRE TRUCK!" as he went to bed last night. I went in and gave him a fire truck and he was out like a light.

Little dude got a Thomas the Tank Engine set for his birthday. We set it up, ran the trains, pulled the cars, lost the boulders… we had a good time.

Man took one of this trains to bed with him and slept like a rock holding that thing. One of those OH COME ON cute moments that you think only happens in Hallmark commercials.

We bought a Thomas set for a friend's kit & she reported the same "train in bed" development - too cute!

Abby saw a boy playing with a football on Saturday morning, and asked for one all day long. "Foo-bah. Foo-bah. Foo-bah." So that night I took her and her brother out to the sporting goods store and bought them each size-appropriate footballs. At about two in the morning, she woke up screaming "Foo-bah! Foooooooo-BAH!" I couldn't find hers, but I managed to find the bigger one that I got for her brother. She snuggled up with it and went back to sleep.

Kid obviously, not kit xp

My wife and I are genuinely concerned about the amount of crap in my son's crib. It's like he sleeping in a toy box.

While I was changing a particularly nasty diaper this morning:

"Minnie Mouse butt."

as we drove home yesterday, "gangsta's paradise" was on the radio, and as it faded down to just the choir at the very end, evie asked "is this christmas music?"

Wait - she's old enough to be asking stuff like that?! Mind blown.

Wasn't this kid just born?

Last night, as we were putting her to sleep, Abby kept moaning "Pink binkie...gone! Blue binkie...gone!" which was weird because she had both of those binkies in her possession (alternating between mouth and hand). My best guess is that she's got some anxiety about losing them.

she's 2 years 4 months now

Insane. Also, I have no idea what two year old are like but that seems like an impressive thing to recognize - that choral stuff might be Christmas music. Smart girl! :)

they've been talking about christmas at her day care a lot, so it's on her mind. they probably listened to christmas music there and that's where she picked it up. but she's a little brainiac too.

Couple funny ones:

Kathy: Guess what I ordered for you guys today?
Owen: What?!
Kathy: Socks and underwear!
Owen: I'm not interested in that.

Ben: (raises hand)
Kathy: What?
Ben: Guess which kind of excuse me that was?
Kathy: What?
Ben: Guess!
Kathy: I don't know, Ben.
Ben: The fart kind!

lol

from my friend:

"W***** delivered the ultimate insult to N***** this morning (N***** was being VERY annoying!) "N*****, YOU ARE A PANDA THAT EATS BAMBOO"
Wow, thats telling her."

from my friend:

"W***** delivered the ultimate insult to N***** this morning (N***** was being VERY annoying!) "N*****, YOU ARE A PANDA THAT EATS BAMBOO"
Wow, thats telling her."

Wow, that's telling her.

my friend posted a photo of her 5 year old's letter to Santa (which fking stupid instagram won't let me share so here's my story in words)

He didn't ask for anything, instead posed a question:

"how dO you make raindeer magic fOOd
write here ---> (left space for Santa's answer"

more than anything I just love "raindeer"

"is that guy from a long time ago?"

"that's copernicus. he figured out that the earth goes around the sun"

"is he dead now?"

"yeah, he died a long time ago"

"poor guy"

Historical: I got in from work, the Queen Mother's funeral procession was on the TV.

Amber (age 4) "It's the queen mother."
Me: "Oh"
Amber ".... She's in that box."

Me: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Evie: four!

irl lols

also correct

Lulu: "What does 'WTF' mean?"
Ava: "Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I think."

Ha!

The kids are with my gf, visiting another family. They've been playing house, which apparently to Owen means yelling "Be quiet! Go to sleep!" over and over.

haha. Beeps has taken to threatening Henry with a timeout when it suits her.

my little guy has taken to identifying colors pretty accurately but also using them w/other words at random ("yellow mama", "blue dadda" for example.) recently he started putting colors together with the word "people", which was pretty awkward when the cable guy came over and heard an 18 month old saying the phrase "black people" over and over.

omg

sylvie, getting frustrated with something: "jesus crust!"
probably need to watch what we say around her more...

for one you should probably stop saying "jesus crust," i mean that doesn't even mean anything

lol yes

Veronica: What is that statue?
Me: It's some Christian saint.
Veronica: What are Christians?
Me: Christians are people that believe Jesus Christ was a very special person.
Veronica: Who is Jesus?
Me: He lived a long time ago and had ideas about how people should live their lives, be nice to each other, things like that. Christians believe Jesus was magical. For example, they believe he died and came back to life.
Veronica: Like a zombie?

lol excellent

haha

AND WE KILLED HIM okay sorry shakey got a little too into it there for a moment.

proud that my daughter learned about zombies before Jesus tbrr

I was saying on the other thread how my little girl gets scared of spooky stuff sometimes, but she also plays a bunch of zombie games on my wife's tablets and has a growing collection of Zombies vs. Hunters figures. Sometimes it gets real important that we find “Girl Zombie” at bedtime.

yeah that's what reminded me of this exchange... my daughter is similar, she insists on going up the stairs in the dark and then shrieking cuz she sees a vampire or a werewolf or whatever but it's all giggles and melodrama as far as I can tell. she hasn't come crying to us about nightmares or freaked out about anything (yet). I fear I may be raising a little horror fan haha

Ava: "I'm short because of my genes. I think maybe my genes...are actually shorts."

ha!

That is brilliant.

I want to squish her.

In a dignified and respectful manner.

Playing Monopoly...

A: "Daddy, don't you think that the man in the middle of the board looks like Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th President?" I nearly spit out my coffee. My Arkansas-born missus looks on, beaming with pride. Later, Ava schools me on Lewis & Clark and Sacagawea. She's not learning this in her Croydon primary school...

Ava just blew my mind

Beeps gets most of our mentions in this thread. She's the recent author of a children's book called "One Cold, Wet Night." I'll let you know when it's picked up by a publisher.

However, Hbomb had a good one the other day. Eating breakfast as a mid-morning sunbeam made its way across the ceiling, he suddenly stood up and said "GET OUT OF HERE, 'LITTLE HOT'!"

And as testament to his authority, that little hot was gone within ten minutes.

That's terrific!

So the other day, we were at a Mexican restaurant, watching some Mexican comedy show, and this commercial came on the TV with a bunch of girls in bikinis...

Ben: "Owen, is your penis getting longer? My penis is freaking OUT!"

so I guess they're straight then lol

omg lol

omg what

Someone please make this thread non-google-searchable in about 10 years, please.

lol

Ben Schwantz, this is your life!

My 6-year old: me and magnus and oliver and zac have started a band
Me: oh that's great, what are you called?
Him: the army of the dead

all the fridges falling down
falling down falling down
all the fridges falling down
my fairy lady

Ava and Lulu have a band called Pitchfork Pandemonium. Lulu's lyrics for I Love Bob:

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8378/8528610028_37ef485a74_z.jpg

Ava's withering response: "This isn't cool! I don't want to sing songs for six-year-olds!" Tears followed.

There's a title for Lulu's first album: Songs for Six-Year-Olds.

My daughter K is a year old, and we are speaking both English and Hebrew to her (I speak English, wife speaks Hebrew). K started developing a nasty habit of grabbing and scratching peoples' faces, and we are trying not to do it, so every time she does it to H, H says "Lo!" which is the hebrew word for no.

The other day, H was reading K a book, and when she read the word "Lo!", K reached up and grabbed her face. Apparently she thinks "Lo" is the word for "grab my face."

haha...woah

She also says "O's" (cheerios), and no matter when you ask her, the answer to "what do you want?" is "O's"

Henry's answer to 'What do you want for dinner, Henry?' is invariably 'Dinner.'

hahaha <3 henry

"What kind of dinner?"

"Yes. Dinner." [seats self at table]

lol

I love these circular, redundant conversations you can have with them.

Lulu: "Can we have a book about history? We're doing that at school."
Me: "Sure. Let's look at This Is Britain [the M Sasek book]."
Lulu: "Has it got history in it?"
Me: "Yes, there's lot of facts in there. What sort of history have you been doing?"
Lulu: "About the past. The history in the past."
Me: "Right."

I may need to start a Grown-ups Say the Stupidest Shit thread:

Beeps and Dr. Seuss (and Ned Raggett) share a birthday together.

BEEPS: I wonder if Dr. Seuss got to eat all his cake on Saturday.

ME: Well, honey, Dr. Seuss ain't around anymore.

BEEPS: *gasp* He died?

ME: Yeah, uh, he died a long time ago. It's okay, he was a very, very old man, even older than Poppi.

BEEPS: But he's dead? Just like Binx? [our recently deceased pet cat]

ME: Yes, like Binx, but listen. Think about this: Everytime we read one of his stories, it's almost like he's still alive with us.

BEEPS: *gasps* You mean like – holds her arms out like a scarecrow, zombie style.

ME: No, I mean his spirit is here in the room with - um, uh, where's that book.

*slow clap* way to go, dad.

Dr. Seuss needs BRAINS

hahaha...oh god

and lulu. so much love for that kiddo

You did your best, pp.

I worked on the donor database for a nonprofit foundation and one day while doing cleanup, I came across the name Theodor Geisel and it slowly dawned on me "Oh my god, this is Dr. Seuss! He used to give money to my company." But then my eyes drifted to the little checkbox where his donor record was marked "deceased" and I got mildly bummed out about it.

Related that anecdote to my wife and 4-year-old a few years later because I'm a dumbass and got a completely horrified response.

my 21 month old has started saying "pleasant dreams!" in a demonic guttural voice.

son and his friend are playing Call of Duty: Black Ops II

Me: One of these days, I'm going to hook up my Nintendo Entertainment System and make you guys play Contra.
Son: What? What? What is that?
Son's Friend: That was ... that was one of the first games for the MTV.

not a kid thing but i kinda love the fact that the dartmouth medical school was recently renamed the theodore geisel school of medicine

UCSD's Geisel Library:

http://libraries.ucsd.edu/_images/Main/geisel-building-1.jpg

my 21 month old has started saying "pleasant dreams!" in a demonic guttural voice.

Our Alice used to say "What the ..." a lot, eventually we sat her down and told her Yes it's funny but you can't really say that anymore..

Hah! For some reason, Joey went through a phase of saying "What the man?" Maybe one of us parents was saying something like "What the...? MAN!" He eventually just started cussing. I'm sort of bummed out, because Abby's reached a really communicative age and I don't think there's any way - between me, her mom, and her brother - that's she's not going to start cussing way early.

Disappointed that library doesn't have a jagged bannisterless staircase winding its way to the top.

Medical section renamed solla sollew

Bet there are a lot of zelf's in there.

(Zelves?)

picked up from a teacher at day care: when someone does something evie doesn't like, she says "YOU'RE NOT MAKING GOOD CHOICES"

hahaha

i've starting saying it to which leads to arguments like
me: "evie, you're not making good choices right now"
evie, tears streaming down face: "i AM! i AM making good choices!"

201x-version of "don't be an idiot."

evie, tears streaming down face: "i AM! i AM making good choices!"

aw.

I told Beeps she need to tell her teacher that she was banging on the front doors of her school when it was closed for MLK Day, and her reply was "I don't think that would be a good choice to make."

my kid draws the darndest things etc

Awesome.

so rad!

How funny, my friend's daughter went through a phase of saying," How sad, how sad, you make bad choices."

Love the drawings!!!!!!!

Part of a wall poster Ava made for school on Un Lun Dun (by China Mieville):

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8377/8596702834_a9a34c6623_z.jpg

I'm really glad she chose to write about that and not Captain Underpants.

This morning:

Me: "K, do you know what daddy is drinking? Daddy is drinking coffee. Coffee. Coff-ee. What is daddy drinking?"
K: (fake coughs)

hahah

excellent!

Un Lon Don is a fun book! I think of it whenever I see sad umbrellas to this day. Go Ava.

Er, Dun. Whatever. British ppl.

Last Thursday Henry was sent home from daycare for pooping 3x and was not allowed back until Monday. So we got to spend two days together which was pretty awesome. Anyway, Comcast had their watchathon week going on so I thought Id see what all the fuss was about 'Girls'. Henry was making robots on the iPad when he came over to the couch and asked what I was doing. I told him I was watching a show. He stopped for a moment and watched a non-dialogue scene of 'Jessa' walking down the street. Watching the scene Henry is suddenly surprised and excited. He points at Jessa

Henry: 'Hey! It's Mama. MAMA! THAT'S YOU!!!'

Me: (knowing full well I don't resemble this ridiculously beautiful woman in any way, shape or form) 'You think that's Mama? Are you sure?'

Henry: (bouncing up and down now) "Yes! Yes! Its you, Mama!"

Me: *fake gasp* 'Oh my goodness, Henry! You're right! That is me! Wow. I'm so cute on TV!"

Henry: "Yes! Mama on TV."

Satisfied with my apparent acceptance of this fact, he laid a huge grin on me then ran off to complete his robot assembly

i love that

at 3 a.m., cried out in her sleep demanding "high-fives"

Henry was calling seahorses "cowboy fish." That mistake alone makes me think he's a smart cookie.

i put on a baseball cap i never wear on saturday and evie said i looked like a "nice old man." later she ate a really big granola bar and said she was so full that she was going to have a baby.

bought an anita o'day record

http://www.parisjazzcorner.com/en/pochs_g/094787.jpg

little guy flipped it over to the back, went "a-n-i-t-a-o-d-a-y spells...(back to the front) girl yawning!"

<3

aww

also

"Henry was calling seahorses "cowboy fish." That mistake alone makes me think he's a smart cookie.

― pplains, Monday, April 8, 2013 9:57 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink"

!!!!!

little guy flipped it over to the back, went "a-n-i-t-a-o-d-a-y spells...(back to the front) girl yawning!"

― christmas candy bar (al leong), Tuesday, April 9, 2013 1:00 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

concise record reviews

Just now:
Me: Henry, I'm hungry. Will you make me something?
Henry: Uh-huh
Me: You will?? What will you make?
Henry: McDonalds

guess how much I love u lol

Ava: "If I write a book does it have to be a new idea?"
Us: "Yes, it's good to be original."
Ava: "Good. Because I have an original idea. My book will be called The Unstoppable Super Spider-Man."
Us: "Hmmm. I think the creators of Spider-Man might not be pleased with that."
Ava: "No, it's the Unstoppable Super-Spider Man. There's a hyphen in it. It is different."

(There then followed a discussion about a spin-off called Unstoppable Ninja Super-Spider Man and Ava's dismay that someone had "stolen my idea before I had a chance to think of it" for a female detective called Shirley Holmes.)

It could be ok..

http://images.45cat.com/ian-dury-and-the-blockheads-suepermans-big-sister-1980-4.jpg

K has learned to say "Wow" and does it in this great, exaggerated way, like "wwwwooOOOOW!"

Saturday we took her to the central park zoo. We showed her the monkeys -- no interest. Penguins - no interest. Sea Lions -- no noticeable interest. She sees a girl playing with bubbles -- "wwwwooOOOOW!"

in the bathtub:

Me: look, it's time for you to wash your hair! How many times do I have to ask you!
Veronica: Okay, but daddy, here's the thing... *points her butt at me and farts*

her first successful comedy routine