I SCORED A GOAL FFS

Please to recount here the glory of the last goal you scored and every goal you score henceforth.

Who was it against?
Which part of your anatomy did it bobble off?
How did you celebrate?

And any other details you might feel like sharing.

I have not scored a goal since 1992, when I was the goalhanging poacher of my halls team at uni and scored tons of two-yard tap-ins. My celebration, rather pathetically, was me and my strike partner doing the air guitar "excellent!" thing from Bill and Ted, lol students.

Penalty vs my 10-year-old son, Burnham-on-Sea, July 2010. Sent him the wrong way, ball in bottom right corner. Minimal celebrating.

Return leg with me in goal - almost went wrong way, tried to change direction, went over on my ankle with my full and considerable weight, heard a cracking noise, actually yelped out loud, crawled over to a wee set of steps to nurse it. His celebration was pretty much him and his brother laughing for twenty minutes.
Three weeks in a support bandage before I could run again. Back doing light ball work - keepy-up on Ardrossan beach two weeks ago. Still hurts :(

My celebration, rather pathetically, was me and my strike partner doing the air guitar "excellent!" thing from Bill and Ted, lol students.

Maybe i am still of the lolstudent bent but imo there is nothing pathetic and everything inspired about that celebration.

I scored our consolation goal in my company's 5-1 defeat to Yahoo! on Wednesday night. Having shipped four goals in the first half due to lack of organisation, not closing them down quickly enough and neither marking zonally or man-to-man, we came out pressing in the second.

Attacking as a three-man unit, level with the D our right wing clipped the ball across from flank to Asaad in the centre. Asaad, in one motion, encouraged it into the path of my storming amble, neutralising their right-back in the process, whence I wrapped my right foot over the ball, confounding their keeper just enough that it bimbled through his legs and in.

I celebrated with a fist pump. We deserved that goal and, tbh, should have won the half as well.

Maybe i am still of the lolstudent bent but imo there is nothing pathetic and everything inspired about that celebration

It seemed pathetic even at the time, perhaps because we were resolutely lolstudent and everyone else on the team was proper sporty types who held no truck with music and films and such japery, and thus made us all defiantly anti-hero and that. But it made us laugh, and a proper partnership was thusly formed, like how all proper strike forces are meant to be.

i scored my first 11-a-side goal ever like last month, playing with a bunch of folks from some music website (LJ was there, in fact!!).

the striker try to shoot past the goalkeeper from wide, it beat the keeper but the ball was trickling in but a defender was running on to it as was i and we both slid in and i just managed to bundle it over the line, 0.5 meter out. it was quality goal

celebration was me getting up and sitting on the sideline, nursing the epidermis on my leg (it was stony astroturf surface)

Think the last goal I scored was playing a re-tooled version of anarchist football that we made up for the playscheme in the summer. Classic foot on the ball, lie on the ground, head it over the line manoeuvre.

Last friday playing 4v4 with other staff here - tap-in at the far post thinking "don't screw up don't screw up" - the goalie was a Hungarian ringer who had played some sort of amateur club level back home so I was half expecting him to magically save it anyway.

I didn't celebrate because I'm so unfit that my target for the game was not to throw up on the pitch.

probably friday pm five a side, 0xford physics vs. 0xford council. everyone used to bag a couple in those.

on grass, probably not for a good five years? i think my best was actually the last one. used to have a bit of a left foot. they conceded a free kick about five yards from the left touchline and five yards inside their own half. we had a couple of aerial threats in the box, so i just cunted it toward the goal. ended up going straight in on the full. great days.

anyone here play football in boots on grass with officials on the regular?

Really wanna hear Hansen saying "he's just cunted it and it's gone straight in, Gary" on Saturday night.

so i just cunted it toward the goal

beautiful

haha, i remember the first time i heard it used like that. we were drunkenly playing round a public golf course, and someone stepped back to take a runup for their drive, and someone said "you are going to absolutely cunt that ball". guy missed the ball by a long way he was laughing so much. best verb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znYJXIw2UKw

^ the new "player of the year, now he's a dick", tbh

wow i've watched that video about five times wondering why it's funny. don't even hear that word any more.

took an aerial pass on the chest, touch of the knee over challenge, full right foot volley into bottom left from ten or so yards.

Only work five a side, but i'm havin that tbh.

played a 4-a-side game against some regulars while visiting my friend in Oxford, on a proper astro pitch

my team won 14-3 and I hit 5, one of which was a peachy peach into the far top corner, fabio grosso versus germany style

now I am ready for tomorrow's 11-a-side game in which ken c and I are both playing

ken c's goal last time out was a thing of wonder - not seen an ILXor dive in to achieve something so heartily since ethan got himself banned

also I am obliged to state that that goal was only possible because I bombed 60 metres down the wing first

take it to the assist thread you astonishing glory hunter

Just me and my brother playing on a full-size school pitch. He was in goal and I was like 25 yards out on the right wing, at a very acute angle, and I toe-poked a powerful curling chip over his head that pinged off the crossbar and bounced down behind the line. If anyone else was there, their minds would have been blown. My brother kind of didn't see it (it was that good)

i've asked mr clattenberg and it was not in fact over the line play on

Who was it against? 2 years ago on an astroturf pitch in mungret with some mates
Which part of your anatomy did it bobble off? turned my man and was one on one with keeper then blasted it with my big toe. went right into the corner.
How did you celebrate? punched the air with my fist. didnt do too much celebrating as it was the end of the game and i was absolutely knackered to do anything more than that

...mungret?? where IS that

county limerick, ireland

st mungret's is a school somewhere iirc

you're thinking of st. munchins

dem u for a liar sir i meant no such thing i tell u.

May have been thinkin of st muredach, which they steadfastly refuse to pronounce as in the a-team member

ireland is v v mysterious to me

are there craic hoers?

St. Munchkins

"HOW MANY POINTS DID YOU GET IN THE LEAAAVIN'?"
http://www.doobybrain.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/wizard-of-oz-munchkins.jpg

jays theres craic til 90 but i only know sheep or cattle farmers meself, boys that wouldnt know one end of a hoe from tother

but solid lads, the besht of men.

One of them, up in court lately on charges of animal cruelty for feeding a stray turtle full of poitin could only offer the following excuse-

"he looked shook, yronner. He looked pure shook"

The besht of men tho. The finesht.

same man's neighbour took the corpse of his auld fella home on the ferry in the front of a ford escort, cos it was chaper than flyin him dead.

But jesus the finesht of men so they are.

Last goal I can remember

Work jumpers-for-goalposts game, Green Park, I think summer 2006 because I was wearing that year's world cup strip (Owen 10 - I've got a thing for the number but how I regret not getting the Beckham one). Hard-fought 0-0, melée in box, ball breaks to me around the penalty-spot and I welt it home over the keeper's shoulder. Automatic celebration: couple of steps run, little jump & fist pump. I may have said 'Yes'.

Thought it would be the first of many, but we lost shape and lost 4 or 5-1. Once you've scored in front of the Queen that doesn't seem to matter though.

(game actually most memorable for giving another boy a yard's start and beating him to a loose ball. I am v slow. It's honestly the only time I can remember that happening - in fact I remember being astonished as the chase was going on, it was so unprecedented)

Goals lost in mists of time

I've since stepped in to my dad's regular fives game as a ringer. I play like Teddy Sheringham in a sculpture garden. Many goals were dispatched, none memorable.

Actual last goal

Took the ball up to the common by my in-laws a couple of weeks ago. Had the place to myself as I seem to be THE ONLY PERSON IN THE COUNTRY who does this anymore. Trekked up & down the pitch for a while trying to score enough of a peach that I could call it a day - in the jack jones scenario it kind of needs to be an in-off-bar-or-post or it looks a bit rubbish.

Eventually ran onto own through ball maybe 25 yards out. Hit across body, setting it out beyond the far post and bringing it in just inside. Was an uncharacteristically sweet hit, enhanced by fact that I was still running full-pelt on a totally different trajectory, which change of angle made the swerve look like Nelinho.

Did I celebrate? Like I say, I was on my own so that'd be unbearably sad. I may have done a bit.

http://img831.imageshack.us/img831/9147/realfootball.jpg

I forgot that I have evidence of the last time I kicked a ball in anger - this is in the nets at Croke Park a couple of weeks back. The 'goal' is actually three holes in the far wall which are approximately ball-sized and ball-shaped, so I doubt any goal has ever been scored in that particular exhibit. The big target is in the hurling net next door, which I did manage to hit at least once.

You will note from the ripple in the net that this was not one of my closer efforts, though the effect is quite pleasing.

last time we had a lunchtime kickaround at work, prob 18 mths ago, i SCORED FROM HAFLWAY IT WAS FUKKN EPIC YESSSSSS

Last week, playing 5vs5 futsal. Ball just landed in front of me after opponent countered a teammate's shot, didn't think and just kicked it. Went in the top left corner after hitting both the crossbar and the post. Quite happy with myself but no celebration, since we play every week for 1h30mn or so, which means at least 30 goals every week, so celebrating for each would be kind of silly!

^ yeah celebrations only for the exceptional.

tho before my competent no-fuss goal detailed above i did score a zola through-my-own-legs flick on the volley from a peach cross that drew a few high fives, tbf. it was a good week, not what you'd call representative.

hit the post from 3 yards out yesterday :(

then should have scored one ball flew in around waist height, obv best way to score is to neither scoop down and head it or stick a foot out, but to try and *chest* the ball into the goal. on target but um keeper saved it, strangely.

i'm a dick

Do we need an "I MISSED A GOAL FFS" thread?

then they scored from the keeper's launch out

3 yards is generous btw, it was more like 1

Well Arshavin hit the post twice in two seconds on Saturday in what sounds like similar circumstances, so I'm inclined to give Ken the benefit of the doubt here

Do we need an "I MISSED A GOAL FFS" thread?

About five years ago I showed up in Regents Park for an ILX football thang. There were about 7 or 8 of us and we ended up on a full-size pitch with proper goals taking on 7 or 8 other random people (until the real Sunday leaguers turned up and turfed us off). I'd kind of nominated myself as striker and I clearly remember being in the centre circle, maybe for kick-off or more likely to re-start after we'd conceded. I took one look at the goal: it didn't look that far away. The keeper didn't look all that. I fancied my chances. "Just pass it to me, I'm going have a go" I said to the guy next to me. He nudged it across and I thumped it towards the top left corner. The ball bounced five or six times before slowly rolling off the pitch about five yards wide of the goal.

crushing!

straight out of car after four hours driving to five a side today, so i was rubbish. scored a few, the highlight being a neat touch on the run from a thirty yard crossfield pass that was swept imperiously into the far corner. but aside form that it was comedy stuff from dmac i'm afraid

About five years ago I showed up in Regents Park for an ILX football thang. There were about 7 or 8 of us and we ended up on a full-size pitch with proper goals taking on 7 or 8 other random people (until the real Sunday leaguers turned up and turfed us off). I'd kind of nominated myself as striker and I clearly remember being in the centre circle, maybe for kick-off or more likely to re-start after we'd conceded. I took one look at the goal: it didn't look that far away. The keeper didn't look all that. I fancied my chances. "Just pass it to me, I'm going have a go" I said to the guy next to me. He nudged it across and I thumped it towards the top left corner. The ball bounced five or six times before slowly rolling off the pitch about five yards wide of the goal.

i remember this game!

friend's stag do in the middle of ireland about a month ago, playing 5-a-side on the saturday with a pretty bad hangover.

first game of four (we had a mini tournament) i get the ball early, round the groom, and (1 in 100 chance this) blast in from close to the halfway line, celebrate wildly.

in the same session of games we were about to win and with 20 seconds left (complete with countdown) we're playing keep ball, i attempt what appears to be a simple turn as a friend flails towards me, he reads it, nicks the ball, and scores, drawing the match and meaning we lose.

couldn't apologise enough.

there's nothing worse, especially if you're playing with people that take their 5 a side VERY SERIOUSLY

the guys weren't too bad, and i did make a point blank double save in same game, but yeah i fucking hate ultra serious 5-a-side. i'm competitive but not to the extent of utter dickishness and a bad atmos that you get in some 5-a-side games. you want competitive but jokes and pisstaking imo.

ILX 5-a-side has gotta happen

seriously. make it so.

there was a five week period of work games last year that had three or four fistfights, and it was awesome in many ways but in terms of enjoying the football not so much. a lot of out better players fucked off out of it and set up another game, i hope they're enjoying screaming at each other and the occasional headbutt whereever they are now RIP big men

Ronan I do believe we are all meeting this Sunday for pool? It shall be discussed there.

jeez it's CHILLY HERE OUTSIDE THE ILXLONDON ZONE

move here or gtfo

contradictory

I mean to destroy you

i am a doubt for sunday as friend has suggested a pub trip to watch the ryder cup...which is tempting.

xp that's his whispered trashtalk during 5 a side

o ok

well...I'm sure something can be worked out even as dmac rubs his hands at the fall of our empire

only rubbing my hands cos it's chilly out here, you just dont listen

haha...i will try and do both, and obviously post this on the pool thread.

metaphorically chilly

never come in from the cold, agent dunphy

i played 5-a-side regularly with ilxors darren and daniel japanese giraffe.

tonight: standing straight in front of goal, lovely ball played squarely to my feet and i lean to my left and completely miskick it 'footballs biggest bloopers' style. sheepishly run back to defend and stay there for the duration of the game. we ended up losing by 3 goals.

I MISSED A GOAL FFS

scored 13/14 goals in one hour of 5s about a month back, everything I touched seemed to hit the net. it was kinda incredible.

love those days, though they're few and far between

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddCzAxY6Iv8

A pretty compact execution with my right foot over the keeper's shoulder. Happy that my run was able to do justice to the through-ball and a better finish than it probably needed to be against a pretty awful keeper.

I'm left-footed btw.

got to keep it a tight, sure motion on yr bad foot imo.

All of which smugness should not overshadow the fact that it came amidst a fine team performance, a 7-3 victory including a hat-trick for an aging scotsman and a result that hopefully maybe means my team is no longer bottom of the league.

hate competitive games tbh. it's 'not me'.

took a long ball over my shoulder on the left this week, said deft touch switching it non-bouncing to my right for a le tiss faux-cunt into the goalie's near side.

well, ok, the first touch came off my foot but i recovered so's you'd never know and meant the rest.

"competitive" I can enjoy, tonight being a fine example, but if i'm not having fun - generally when members of my team or theirs are taking it far too seriously - then I struggle to see the point of being there at all.

your goal sounds glorious btw.

yeah it was half zamora that time, half le tiss that time, more that norn irish dude that'll never do it again and everyone's wondering 'now, i know he meant that but did he mean that' tbh.

ah yeah, that's the competitive you can always do without- a close game with a good vibe is the perfect setting, two mins to go and it's 19-18 kind of thing

to be fair to our opponents this evening, they had to play the whole match with no subs where had three in the second half (and rolled them on and off at will) so i'm fairly sure were exhausted by the end. we also went ahead in the first minute when their 'keeper made a shocking rob green-esque fumble on the line.

in the end we probably should have scored a few more.

you have to take those nights tho, cos sure as anything one of the times you'll be facing some shorter version of dolph lungdren that destroys you with ease. lyfe is balance imo

Yeah, experienced one of those the last time I played when another agency spanked us 10-1. I don't think we're under illusions that tonight was any more than a West Ham versus Wigan affair, and I enjoyed every minute.

last night: ball played at my feet, im 10 foot from goal try power it past the keeper at the near post. rebounds off the post and onto my head. YEAHHH GET IN

Scored a couple since then. Last week's was a fine team effort, a product of a series of short first time passes to neutralise their defence followed by a single motion shot to beat the keeper at his near post.

Assisted an almost identical one for a teammate a few minutes later. We still got stuffed 10-4.

scoring too many to count in these glory days of five games a week good weather, but last night i hit an absolute pearler full on the run across the keeper rising in a straight line into the far top corner, a once-a-year or better strike tbh.

From the right touchline, prob 25 yards or so? I dunno what yr avg 7 a side pitch length is

Off to another game now. As i said, glory days

he will have hoped hubris will not have cursed this rich vein of form

it will have been noted that five a sude goals ought not to have been in short supply tbf

ilx poster garda will have wished he lived in ireland sometimes just so he could play 5 a side with his friends.

Any interest in playing a jumpers for goalposts game in Regents Park tomorrow evening?

yeah is that on or are you suggesting ilxorz sort it? i'd be up for that for sure. what time?

Nah, it's a disorganized, organized thing. From half six near the hub. Will webmail yoy

yeah my proper email is my full name all one word at gmail.com, assuming you know my first and second name!

suits me well, i'm unemployed so any positive activities are good.

Done. Any other ilxors also more than welcome

shit's catching up

Sixth hour of weekend football and everything packed in

I tweaked a hamstring ffs

hubris

na still scored a few decent efforts so fu-bris

neither ilxor scored a goal last night in regents park, though both kept clean sheets. think nick actually saved some shots with his hands unlike me, didn't use my hands once in that amateur keeper way

i played last night, tweaked hamstring and all, was shit like a fox made out of actual shit

pretty sure i didn't even have a shot on goal, unless you count the fauxver head kick that went upwards and nowhere near the goal.

it was a bit of a one-sided affair with ronan contributing a sterling performance and, unlike myself, an admirable work rate.

all that runnin payin off for the young irishman

"admirable work rate" was more like "shit my close control is horrendous from lack of play, but I think I am fairly physically fit so I can try my best to do something which in my mind can constitute 'breaking up the play' and thus at least feel i've contributed"

had a few wild shots at goal too...

......

.....

Wayne?

.......

been getting into this band a lot lately...

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-NNnjVWJA9U/TORS0RSI8GI/AAAAAAAAAg4/ciwBGt-9udI/s1600/Stereophonics.jpg

you may have heard of them.

gotta log off actually, friend's granny is coming to visit and i need to let her into his flat.

o suuure

bump, what we been up to

goals not really a part of my game (phil neville/ian holloway persistent clogger with occasional delusions of vieiran elegance)

arrowed a nice one from a cutback right into the corner past a stubborn goalie to nick a tight game yesterday though, albeit with the suspicion i only got enough time to execute cos the defender thought i'd give it the customary shank

those stories i told on sep 26 are both true, fyi

Been carrying an injury for a few months, so i've been shitter than usual tbh. No great goals to relate.

Nando?

played last night and was rubbish at about a stone too heavy

playing again tonight, and will hopefully have some more talent around me

gutted the new france home doesn't give me +5 on all stats

jays would be nice to go back to the days of only one stone too heavy

Lol 30 next week huh

Michael Owen's only 31

ya but he's on a downward curve

crushed it last night btw

matchwinning last kick, cut in from left into box stepped over with left flicked it in off the post with right heel. Don't think anyone knows what i did tbh.

You want me to run the Player of the 10s poll right now, is that it?

ya while im hot

played well tonight, back in dublin with my old crew and some others i didn't know as well. opened the scoring after robbing the ball, was pleased, nice composed finish. later on tho we had a ridiculous flowing move, turned someone and did a one two with another player, with him back heeling the return pass. perfect one on one chance and i hit the post. we did score a great goal later on where i took a pass and then back heeled it to put another guy through.

my team was 3 really good mates, one young chap who knows a friend's younger brother, and this other loudmouth twat who was "a talker". you know those players who non-stop are like "let's use it lads" or slating everyone else etc. except he wasn't even that good. he had a go at the young bloke, who prob was about 20 and a much better player than most of us, so i fucking read him the riot act, was hilarious. "shut up and play football, all you're doing is talking shite". he barely said a word after. even his own friends were lolling and had a word with me after the game to say "fair play".

can't stand that "let's use it lads" or "support" generic shit when it's someone just spouting off.

i don't use the generic phrases but i do constantly tell my youngers bros specifically what they're doing wrong, to the point where i'm just trolling these days tbh.

Remember that goal ?romario?scored against utd in the world club championships? The 'flick it up and over the defender while facing away from goal'? I did that last night, amongst several nutmegs and one or two mazy dribbles. Didn't know meself tbh, played again tonight and i was shite.

yeah i don't mind now and again but this bloke was relentless, i mean he was literally providing a running criticism/advice service. awful dickhead.

most stuff came off for me tonight also, and the most encouraging thing is it's the first time i've exercised and not felt shin splints in months.

footy is ok for shinsplints, iirc

Shinsplints suuuuuuck tho

i was getting them other times, like my left shin in particular would get sore even walking to work and shit. back running moderately this week i reckon to test it out. beer gut getting out of hand.

walking destroys my legs, running less so, football not at all.

Edmundo, not Romario

ya well

My celebration, rather pathetically, was me and my strike partner doing the air guitar "excellent!" thing from Bill and Ted

<3, i think? perhaps not

We had 'a talker' in my old work fives team, who horrendously was also one of the best players, had no sensitivity to mood, and had the hugest need to win. Combined that adds up to a guy who will never take his turn in goal. We eventually had to knock it on the head by distributing a mock-up back page condemning the guy, only wires got crossed and two entirely different versions went round, which was massive overkill. He got quite hurt, which I guess is why he didn't change his ways, so then he just got ostracised instead.

we had pretty much that guy, but next-level aggressive. Our nerdy IT guy stuck the head on him and was given a hero's welcome once his six week suspension was served

Scored a tiny one from distance yesterday. Ball came to me on the edge of the box (well, would be if we played with a proper pitch) and I caught it first time with the side of my left to send it zipping along the ground and into the corner.

I am also the mouthy not very good one but I hope everyone realises it is in jest and takes in good humour.

i shout a lot when in goal but you're meant to right??? (or not when it's 5 a side?)

No I do in goal too, just to feel less of a spare prick as much as anything.

nick i played with you and believe me, you had nothing on this guy. i don't even mind a bit of talking, or a lot of talking. but this dude was non-stop talking and shouting every time anyone did anything with the ball, i mean, relentless arrogant shit. way worse than anything anyone is describing here.

way worse than anything anyone is describing here.

i may have gone a bit.... soft ..... on myself here

Argh, desperate for a kick about. All of my mates have either moved away or aren't really into footy.

I'm a shouter :/

Argh, desperate for a kick about

Feeling this. I even took Ismaelito over to the local basketball cage on Sunday morning, but all he wants to do is pick the ball up and toddle into the goal himself. Two yellows in quick succession = not a very satisfying victory.

trying to work out if ismaelito your partner, kid, or dog

the image of you yellow carding your dog is quite funny not gonna lie

ismaelinho imo

also I'm the best at football on ilf

*may be a lie

do we have a 'what level did you play to?/recount your football experience/glories' thread

i was top scorer in my first year (aged 12) league out of iirc 200-odd lads- wunderkind athlete that year tbh
moved to the sticks after that and didn't ever get into organised 'team' football
play five a side now- i'm fat and bad but i have my moments

Aie, that's the sort of stat good enough to make it into Michael Owen's brochure.

the whole thing could go into rooney's

have we got enough interest to restart some kind of ILX FAKA?

ya

you're always welcome at my Monday night football game, ken. same goes for anyone else as well but would def be good to make an allstar ilx fiveaside happen.

I live in glasgow, besides I'm too good

have it in glasgow then?

or liverpool ;)

Sounds like Isle of Man would probably be fairest. Maybe the Azores if Dan or boxall fancy joining in.

hey nick i have a monday night 5 a side but currently it is off as the school sportshall we play at is closed. where is your game?

re: ILX all star FAKA: i'm thinking if we can get a decent number of people up for it then go for a sunday kickabout in a park. maybe the bank holiday weekend?

bump here
london fancy a kick about again FAKA?

our game is in regent's park, near the hub. it's a very casual game but the standard isn't entirely terrible.

ronan played once, never to return. :(

ah that's good. i might come down next monday (weather permitting)

i'm shite though. are donks welcome?

where's the I GOT IN A FIGHT FFS thread

Played footy tonight for the first time in about 5 years. This is gonna sound really fucking stupid, but I'd forgotten how hard it is. Like, having to make split-second decisions, not having much time on the ball. My legs are really aching now.

yeah it takes a while to get back into it

where's the I GOT IN A FIGHT FFS thread

― I diss you (cozen), Friday, 26 August 2011 20:17 (Yesterday) Bookmark

spill

Played footy tonight for the first time in about 5 years. This is gonna sound really fucking stupid, but I'd forgotten how hard it is. Like, having to make split-second decisions, not having much time on the ball. My legs are really aching now.

― Chris, Friday, 26 August 2011 23:43 (Yesterday) Bookmark

never fails to impress me in retrospect how mindless football is when you're playing well, at least for me anyway - so much instinctive reflex action, even (maybe especially) when you do something that seems outside-the-box cerebral

So true. I find in 5 a side on a good day passing is like a reflex, you just know where your players are and do first time passes.

http://www.ianleake.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/herrigelzenarchery.jpg

"Do you now understand", the Master asked me one day after a particularly good shot, "what I mean by: 'It shoots, It hits?'"
"I’m afraid I don’t understand anything any more at all," I answered, "even the simplest things have got in a muddle. Is it ˆ I ˜ who draws the bow, or is it the bow that draws me into the state of highest tension? Do ˆ I ˜ hit the goal, or does the goal hit me? Is ˆ It ˜ spiritual when seen by the eyes of the body, and corporeal when seen by the eyes of the spirit or both or neither? Bow, arrow, goal and and ego, all melt into one another, so that I can no longer separate them. And even the need to separate has gone. For as soon as I take the bow and shoot, everything becomes so clear and straightforward and so ridiculously simple. . . . "
" Now at last ", the Master broke in, "The bowstring has cut right through you."

not really a fight, just squaring up and buck style butting. the game's hard man went in hard on me and I called for a free kick and was told to 'fuck off, don't know what game you're playing.' this despite the fact and I'd got a kick up the arse and he was nowhere near the ball. so I thought 'fine whatever, what goes around comes around'.

next opportunity I went in hard myself, though a yard late. didn't actually hit him (or the ball to be fair) and took a kick right up the arse for my trouble. he turns round immediately 'don't fucking go in like that prick', squaring up. I pushed him away and told him to fuck off, giving it out but unwilling to take it. walked away and merked him five minutes later, had to resist doing the scott brown after scoring

tldr; both being fannies, all good's in the hood

two kicks up the arse and I'm the bad guy

guys like that don't get the text next game with us, thank fuck

Knowing what you're going to do with the ball before you receive it, and executing it to perfection = best feeling ever.

scored about 5 goals but we lost 23-22.

cramp in both legs and some minor vomming early due to terrible fitness levels. also carpet pitches man.

http://i.minus.com/i7OSiGBteA9JO.jpg

Kind of heart-shaped that isn't it, if you ignore the bit on the left. Beautiful.

briefly contemplated googling up a how to shoot tutorial after recent woeful weeks

can't lie though, a good tackle will always mean more to me

i googled up a how to shoot tutorial a couple of days ago! My shooting has improved!!

tonight 5 a side we won by like 17-6

i scored .... zero of the 17

knee looks like a burnt beefburger

yeeowch

Two hour game last night i was basically ronaldo, all feints, sways, dummies and startling power. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

played for first time with my (relatively) new work tonight..was good, decent balance of fun and competition. think i raised expectations in the first minute after blazing a really nice outside right shot into the bottom corner from a fair bit out. missed a few total sitters later on, including one from about 3 yards, almost carbon copy of iwelumo.

also had one major hollywood pass, teammate didn't convert but it got a bit of kudos, was out on right wing and bent the ball on outside right, really fizzed it around two defenders onto the dude's foot.

fairly gruelling game, about 80 mins with no break. but running a lot lately so felt pretty good.

rah

This week i have scored:

A little eyebrows flick from a kickout

A proper diving header (felt awesome)

A couple fifteen yarders after runs from midfield

One instep chipped-flick on the 360 turn

NB a post on what i've missed and my shitty passing would be much longer

my passing is prob my best attribute...my shooting is pretty bad. i'm a v bad instinctive shooter, i can drive it in if i'm on the ball, but my first time shot is truly shit. possibly cos i've not played since may or so though.

it's all in your other foot, that.

My strengths vary depending on the game. I've got two games a week that're usually four a side on a seven a side pitch and i can struggle tbh, but you get lots of shots in, then have another game that's a settled six a side on a bigger pitch, more time on the ball, get to stroke it around a bit.

Variety spice of life etc

from a peach inswinging cross from the right i've only gone and done a zola instep volleyed flick through the keeper's legs brian

Scored over half the goals in a 25-20 loss over two hours in the rain, the few games a week are starting to pay off

srsly guys a ZOLA INSTEP VOLLEY FLICK

It's like going out with some pals for karaoke, and Aretha Franklin shows up.

well all i'm asking is for a little respect tbf

Didn't score but played 11 aside for the first time in years today. A lot different from the usual 3.5 aside I play and also pretty terrifying. Good fun tho. We got a 3-3 draw which wasn't for our first match.

backheel volley from a ball over the top, ten yards out, in off post

Twenty-odd yard volley from a headed clearance

Curled pass into the far bottom corner using the defender as a screen

fergie fergie sign him up

move over Rivaldo v Valencia

slightly lower stakes, but the fat lad's only amateur tbf

ran to beat defender to a bouncing ball heading away from goal, got there in time to spin 180 degrees and face him without addressing the ball, which is now in the air coming down directly behind me- heelflick it over both our heads and nip round him before he knows arse from tit, megs on goalie to finish. guapa.

pics or it didn't happen

i know, i know- even for me, it's fading like narnia already ;_;

my shooting is pretty bad. i'm a v bad instinctive shooter, i can drive it in if i'm on the ball, but my first time shot is truly shit. possibly cos i've not played since may or so though.

― When a German communicates, you listen (LocalGarda), Tuesday, 1 November 2011 23:21 (6 months ago) Bookmark

jesus tell me about it, my brain will explode from fury cos of this soon

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RwOL2ljia4o/Tcfhy4YHtGI/AAAAAAAAK0o/N7JJm4AddZ0/s1600/Osvaldo+Ardiles+escapetovictory1981dvdr.png

"and then the crowd ran onto the court and smuggled me out under the noses of the watching gardaí"

do we have enough ILF london for another FAKA?

i'm in watford in sep/oct sometime...

That's close enough - let's do this, ILF!

it's penalty shootouts for us darragh

I'll come along if in Watford on whatever day you choose, but I likely won't be I'm afraid.

i likely won't be myself, tbh. watford/london trips tend to be shopping dominated affairs

Enjoy your keepie-uppies Ken

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmk1iStpovo

i played football (and tbh exercised in general) for the first time in over ten years last night. haven't tried to drag myself out of bed yet today, i suspect my legs won't be able to take it. don't think i SCORED A GOAL actually, amidst goalkeeping incompetence it seemed that i was the only person having shots saved. that rvp-style volley from a long ball falling over my head would've been a cracker too.

Any ilfers who fancy joining my weekly game (Ken, I'm looking at you esp) in Regent's Park on Monday nights are more than welcome.

As Ronan can attest to the standard, a guaranteed way of increasing your post rate on this thread.

filling my boots with long range volleys, half volleys and turn-and-hits this past few weeks, joined a new game in dublin and am surprised and pleased to have been marked out as a player to watch each week. What age was kevin philips when he made it?

a

fuckin

BICYCLE

shinned it tbf

tbitwp

fu, 'b'

i'm assuming it's not 'better', for a start

THO IT FUCKIN SHOULD BE

http://craicmusic.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/rob-kelly-black-irish-logo.jpg

assumed it referred to my pre-transplant twp hairline

the wikipedia page for black irish starts with

Black Irish is an ambiguous term used mainly outside of Ireland.[citation needed]

and gets worse from there

i was gonna say i've never heard it

no wait wasn't it used in charlie's angels full throttle

but outside of that, no

hmmm, try this

http://www.mickopedia.org/mickify.py?topic=black+irish

There is a significant difference between peoples of the west and the east of Ireland

tell you what tho it's not all bullshit

john giles is black irish imo, succeeds on his wits and skulduggery, finding his antithesis in the lowland british game lads with their sense of fair play, protestant work ethic and self-righteousness

it just refers to iniesta lookin irish ppl, kinda boring tbh

have giles's autobiog in the locker atm lookin forward to tales of how he met his wife at the dance and sneaking off for sly bitters under the nose of his landlady

gonna read the shit out of some irish mythic origin legend tonight i think

99.8%!

A new book investigating the myth of Atlantis says that the mythical land was actually the island of Ireland.

The claim is made by geologist Ulf Erlingsson in his book 'Atlantis from a Geographer’s Perspective: Mapping the Fairy Land', who is to visit Ireland on August 11 to 13.

In his book Erlingsson bases his evidence on Plato's desription of Atlantis which, according to Erlinsson, matches Ireland perfectly. Statistically, the scientist claims, the probability is over 99.98% that Plato was describing Ireland.

plus 0.18%! And a little bit more!

yeah, i fucked that up. Still, the figures are compelling

Who'd've thought a rumoured island in the Atlantic, off Europe, could be one of the two big islands which are in the Atlantic, off Europe?

with the amount of rain it might as well be Atlantis some would say!!!

!

true for ya!

it was hailing yesterday sure

global warming they say, and yet we're freezing

god bless my yearly freak game where everything flies in

what u know about chipping the stranded keeper in 5 a side goal

I've tried it, it's not possible

obv by "stranded" i meant lol why are you here and oh also okay you've fallen over

there is one other variable whose eldritch power i dare not consider

i was wearing... cough... an alice band

http://i.imgur.com/R9LLh.jpg

even big manu pogatetz rocks the alice band these days

Lukas Podolski wouldn't be anywhere near this thing even if he'd stayed at FC Köln - A thread for Bundesliga 2012-13

Yeah you gotta have a thing. Mine was a Reni hat.

what hold on is this proper not-just-kickabout kit and a reni hat or just like slouching around as part of a full 1994 look

interesting how nu-pog looks like a nutter even still

Boca Juniors shirt, nearly-matching shorts, Reni hat

Outdoor court, aversion to contacts, drizzle and prevailing westerlies - it was the best option

otoh i knocked in two beauties from 15 yards out with my left after beating a static marker, so there's that

Playin three games a week. Gets tougher and tougher and you get lung fitter and leg heavier until about six weeks in, when you finally lose some fuckin weight and the body bows to mastery of the new schedule and normalises.

Scored my first goal in weeks yesterday. Defence totally failed to deal with a hopeful punt in my general direction. Managed to flick it through the keeper's legs with the outisde of my boot like a boss

dropped shoulder and beat my man to approach the goal from the left side advancing on the keeper at a tight angle. threw left leg over the ball, as he reacts and stoops to his right i ribona chip it with my right high into the near post. scorchio.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic_of_Ireland_national_futsal_team

this thread is not representative, tho imo i do alright lashing them in for a fat lad, to look at me like.

assume all of yours are feverish fantasy inventions fwiw

been trying out some stepovers recently, highly effective addition to the arsenal as they're so slow the defender is invariably reduced to giving up laughing

i kinda just do them for the fans now tbh

every entry in here is legit

tho i admit i probably under-report to the 'I MISSED A GOAL FFS' thread

and it's lucky we don't have 'I TOOK A SHIT TOUCH AND FELL OVER' or 'I COLLAPSED COMPLETELY FUCKED' threads

the stepover followed by nutmeg is surprisingly effective, and easy to execute. best employed with old friends to ensure maximum bantz.

no joke, michael owen saying "... entice the leg to come out..." has haunted me every game i've played since

dribbling is p much like autumnwatch now

did the opposite of score a goal tonight

fell on my own fist & cracked a rib. sooooooore

Ouch

gonna feel even worse when rtc rolls up and claimed you made it up tho

surely the opposite of scoring a goal is

well, now...

is it:

a) missing a goal
b) scoring an own-goal
c) saving a goal

tuesday night philosophy 4u

the opposite of a goal is when a goalkeeper makes a big save, thereby "making amends for his mistake earlier"

d) driving to qpr

e) picking up the ball and running with it instead

f) passing it to another arsenal player

g) you can't fault his workrate

Ouch

gonna feel even worse when rtc rolls up and claimed you made it up tho

― ben foster five (darraghmac), Tuesday, 5 February 2013 22:15 (Yesterday) Bookmark

lol why do i feel you've been legit harbouring this resentment

cos i've avoided the thread since, chris armstrong style

SOME REAL FUCKIN BEAUTIES TOO, UR LOSS IMO

i actually scored probably the best 5as goal of my miserable life the other week, breaking from midfield after winning a challenge and then sort of flicking it outside of the boot from an improbable distance/angle papiss cisse style across the keeper and crashing in off the far post. don't really know what i was thinking but it turned out fkn badass

erm like i say i don't score too many

dont believe a fuckin word of it, jog on son

:D

haha

cmon deems i yearn for your heroic whoppers, let's be having them

fwiw tonight i done naff all except rather disgrace myself by totally chopping down a newcomer neymar wannabe trying out his lollipop collection

usually fouls are fouls but this was a regrettable "you know what-" moment

sorry guy, hope this contrite admission before some interweb randoms makes up for it

xp ashley cole vibe off that one tbh

imo the srs answer actual opposite of scoring is probably somewhat mundanely giving away possession in a stupid area leading to oppo goal

the shaming act of capitalisation is far more painful than whatever the outre comedy pratfall is that would result in an og

it's only rly the exact opposite if the concession of possession is from a goalscoring chance itself i'd say

don't remember anything particularly good lately tbrr, the odd punt from distance*

*as measured along five-a-side standards obv

ehh if you fuck up a tap-in and it comes down the other way no one's really gonna have a go at you tho, that's everyone's fault

the blame spotlight needs to be comparable to the goalscorer's glory

There's the shame spotlight too, which is a more private affair - it's late in the game; you've strayed a little too far upfield, gloryhunting; you can't be arsed tracking back; they get the ball and, somewhat ineptly, capitalise with ease. Particularly bad if you've just hauled yourselves back almost on terms, at great effort. Nobody slates you in these circumstances, but you know what you've done.

i smashed in a screamer (5 a side) a few weeks back, i kicked it and it flew straight as an arrow to the top corner (of the tiny goal). Looked amazing

now whenever i get the ball i just try to cunt it the same way. think this is how gareth bale/gerrard/ronaldo etc got started with their irresponsible cunting.

bad willed cunting

night of the cunter

lol at faux-cunt

night of the cunter

― Ballboy to Afghanistan (LocalGarda), Wednesday, 6 February 2013 16:07 (2 hours ago) Bookmark

lord, save the little goalies. they abide... they abide and they endure

fuxing ankle got me srsly considering retirement :/

scored goals since but you wont want to hear about them like

Scored a hat trick the other day for the first time in months :)

Should hat-trick be hyphenated or is it two words?

Hat trick
Hat-trick
Hattrick

One word imo. You can slip an extra 't' in there without being too conspicuous.

like di canio volley, but from like five yards out, but still

famous goals i have emulated in my five-a-side career

rooney newcastle volley cunt
larsson diving header cunt
zola instep volley backheel flick (slight cunt)
letiss faux cunt
di canio jumped and used the other leg volley technical cunt
romario flick-around-defender slide-cunt finish
bull-toe proper cunted that one x 10000

no head-height rule in your 5 a side game?

Joy of Six: Unique Goals, or just another week for dmac

Fuckin head height rule, pshaw

Off now to ucd no doubt i'll not return without anothef tale of derring do, nominate an iconic effort for me

Is it blaes? The Vialli one.

Nothin more flash than a nutmeg left foot winner in off the post soz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UPNgiTXTRE

Oh yeah I've scored one of those once. iirc met with raised eyebrows in response, along the lines of 'Really? You?'

http://i500.listal.com/image/2122277/500full.jpg

IK, pictured after scoring.

http://media.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/article-1368504-0B46412D00000578-759_634x521.jpg

darraghmac, pictured every weekend.

Otm

I misses a putt ffs

http://db.tt/jCxSiWBp

twtw

I hope that's a set built specially for that mp4, and not an actual thing

"footee"

This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by American FootGolf League.

Sorry about that.

We have a surfeit of courses post-tiger, maintenance unfeasible costwise for golf, but guess what a couple hundred head of sheep and a mower for the greens and bobs yer uncle for footee.

And it was fuckin brilliant btw

twtw is evading me tbh

Ha nm

Suuuuuup

fowler windmill volley
stepover-curled-backheel round gk in off post to win it tho

I don't even know what that last one means

Hey if i could find a player on youtube to replicate it, yknow?

I'll report back when im on laptop, if yer good

jolly good imo

what if...you invented a new type of goal altogether?

dmac has quite literally moved the goalposts when it comes to goalscoring.

I'm half-convinced now that this guy's never kicked a ball in his life. The 'I Misses A Putt' video is the only proof.

lol

i am not finding anything on youtube, but this may be down my not being au fait with the terminology these kids use these days

but look, it was quite simple

running towards last defender, feint to left and flick it out to the right and beat him, ball now between me and advancing goalie a few yards out and a few yards to the right of the post, i get there first and throw my left leg over the ball so im standing directly over, leaning forward. he dives narrow towards my feet covering near post, so i drag my right foot along the ball (still moving forwards) in a backheel motion, but applying a lot of sideways spin. ball goes p much sideways behind my left foot directly around the keeper's dive and spin brings it around and nestling into the far corner. simples.

lionel mitty

sure look i can only post to the thread that's out there in front of me lads

we don't even actually see the ball being kicked in that golf thing. zapruder film my arse

back, and to the left... back, and to the left... back, and to the left...

tbh that footee thing was great craic but the greens were like fuckign deserts, roy keane would have had a thing to say

i suggets a poll of most dubious dmac goals, and i'll attempt to source sworn testimony for the top three, with a video re-enactment of the winner

NV as Skinner, at a push I can do Baddiel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cs4OHQEe6E

d-darragh...?

aw cant see that

was forced to act out this goal on an unevenly sheepeaten lawn today, it was quite humiliating but it wont stop me telling it how it was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKYhgXrLRXE

cheers

nah, not able to juggle and wouldnt even have tried the turn in the corner

the actual finish was quite me tho

The opposite if a goal is the lazy underhit pass across your own defensive line that gets intercepted and then slotted home by a wily opponent.

Scored a beautiful left-footer on Monday evening during the indoor game. Weaved in from the right past three men, foot-to-foot toe-dribbling it and changing direction, before pelting it in the bottom left corner. Actually elicited verbal approval from opponents and teammates. Did piss-all else in front of goal.

Are you Adam Johnson?

wtf id be up before a jury and all he gets is the aj dimension

btw I hit the inside bottom of the post of a small goal from abt 15 yards in a kids' playground full of kids the other day, then went back to my in-depth conversation about mathematics with one of the teachers. felt strong

frolicking with the young 'un down at the all-weather pitch, I cracked a mini-ball off the inside of the post, then lashed the rebound in off the underside of the bar, and down the net with a swish. A video camera was present but not recording that passage. I was heartbroken, the soundtrack would've been *amazing*

The other month in our Friday game I recreated Platt's goal at Italia 90 from that Gazza chipped throughball, where it comes over his shoulder and he hits it first time on the volley into the corner. It was fucking amazing. But, apparently, according to the opposition, I had just edged into the goal area, which is against our 5-a-side rules. So the cunts disallowed it.

Then tonight I ran onto a throughball, swung my left peg, and had my knee collapse on me. Carried off. Out for three weeks.

three weeks isnt too bad after being carried off tbf!

Recurring injury, I know exactly how I works. Sadly.

My knee is so weird. With the aid of a spectacular new knee brace, I played tonight because we were a couple of men down; I thought I'd just make up the numbers. But the brace was awesome! Scored three or four, the best of which was George Weah-esque; picked it up in our area from a defensive corner, and too, it all the way upfield before rolling it under the keeper. In 25 degree heat on AstroTurf, that was quite an effort.

I've had it with this thread. From now on Youtubes only plz

You think you're George Weah, but really you're Said al-Owairan.

To be fair, I went in pretty much a straight line, didn't pirouette, and didn't skin anybody.

ben arfa/capote line

Ye take the goodness from everything yis bastards.

Scored a dinho vs chelsea, whacked a dropping volley in off the post and damn near replicated the letiss fc of yore, walked off pitch basically thinkin "cunts on ilf wont be havin any of it"

oh, walked did ya, look at mr fancy 'i don't need my hands to help me get form place to place' here.

from also. drunk tbf.

My mood wasnt helped by falling on my arse in conceding the winner tbf

a nicely edited video would clear all of this up

Ms mac has declined in rather choice terms to volunteer to film my glorious efforts

tmi

Open goal ffs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHadtUDaZtg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I don't think I've ever scored a goal in 11-a-side, certainly not in adulthood, but i could count on one hand the number of games that takes in.

I play five a side most weeks. Not a prolific goal scorer, tend to lose composure anywhere near goal, but did score a satisfying side-footer from a little outside the box. One of the few times i've properly instinctively read and reacted to a cross and not just swiped the air.

That said, i do think i've improved a lot from how bad i used to be. I do have a bit of a problem with my big toe, i've done it some damage at some point in the past, so now when i toe poke with any force (or put a solid challenge in) i end up hobbling for a while. Contemplating bandaging it up to give it a little protection, otherwise goals will stay few and far between.

One of the lads broke his shoulder ffs

Downgraded to broken collarbone

You'll be glad to hear folks, i had a nightmare tonight.

clavicular fortitude

Don't believe that for a second. Commiserations to your boy.

howd it happen

He went in shoulder to shoulder with the wrong 6 ft 5 doctor, who rather sheepishly diagnosed the damage afterwards

One of my teammates did his collarbone at fives once - gentle jog towards the wall and put up his foot to spring away from it, only there was condensation on it and he slipped and just collapsed inwards like a burst bouncy castle, only really fast. Thought he was a goner tbh, it felt like a lucky escape in the end.

My worst fives injury was a cunted baw in the baws. 20 years since and the memory is still vivid.

i was messing and tripped a friend, in the park, about 15 years ago. as he fell he basically flicked a hand to jab me in the nuts, barely any contact but whatever way he connected it practically blinded me with pain.

i'd say it was a one-inch punch if someone can lock the thread now.

'the flick of the sack' was a widely respected skill in my secondary school days out west, it was always given its full title and a tone of due respect was used

Yeah, all the guys at my school spent most of Year 9 walking around between classes cupping themselves, so virulent had become the trend for the backhand flick as you passed each other in the corridor. Everywhere you looked there was weeping lads wheezing and sinking to the floor. The things kids do eh

In my idler moments I sometimes daydream about having a crack at the doucher who works at the desk opposite mine, just for old time's sake like

Ken scored a goal today. I was the schmuck who just failed to clear it off the line. We still won though.

It might help my credibility itt to note the appalling form and lack of goals the past three months

Jinking one-footed run through four men and nestled in off back of post

Left foot half volley crashed off underside of bar, in off gk's back

Good to be back

ps fell on a fellas knee and my backs fucked

I scored two goals today where the keeper got hand to the ball but couldn't keep it out. The first one made me feel good because it was a nice shot and I hadn't scored in a while. The second one was from close range and I should have put it in the corner. I felt strangely unsatisfied

I knwo a goal's a goal, but when I score one that's not that great (eg one that comes off my shin and bobbles over the line) I'm all like 'meh'. And it's not like I score a lot of goals either. I feel like I should be grateful for any goal that I get

crashed heavily on my shoulder ffs

trying to compensate getting into the shower and I cramped in three places and fell out of the actual fuckin room ffs

back like a fox

well?

met a clearance like a right footed Jody morris, 25 yds in a flash.

juggled over marker, caught on upbounce with heel to spin around another man, left foot chip over gk

just the highlights like. the few weeks off sure I'm a new man

ken played v well today

I saved a penalty ffs, ripper too

the other week i played my first game of fitba in a couple of years. didn't score a goal ffs. missed a tap-in from about a foot out. torres-esque.

ahem

last kick of an 8-0 win

four in a row through the keepers legs in a first-to-five game, cos I had to get home early

back like a fox

― is this empty sanitism (darraghmac), Thursday, 7 August 2014 22:03 (11 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Im back playing three a week but this thread will remain untroubled .... think the knee injury has robbed me of the magic ;-;

My knee is so weird. With the aid of a spectacular new knee brace, I played tonight because we were a couple of men down; I thought I'd just make up the numbers. But the brace was awesome! Scored three or four, the best of which was George Weah-esque; picked it up in our area from a defensive corner, and too, it all the way upfield before rolling it under the keeper. In 25 degree heat on AstroTurf, that was quite an effort.

― they all are afflicted with a sickness of existence (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 5 July 2013 18:32 (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Would take a recommendation on the brace tho pls

last night then

hour-long five a side in a game where maybe 3 of our team was lazy or incompetent, vs maybe 1 of their team. they should have scored 35. we changed keeper every two goals. my two stints in goal took up more than half the time. we won that time 11-4. my two stints out of goal were characterised by us conceding almost every shot we faced, and trust me here my outfield play wasn't the issue. to say my keeping was on fire is an understatement. but anyway, as 9pm ticked around the game was actually and miraculously tied at 16-16 after a truly bizarre scoring sequence (5-1 up, 12-6 down, 15-12 up) and the shout NEXT GOAL WINS went up. and friends, I chose THAT moment to do something I hadn't done all evening

I SCORED A GOAL FFS

(a cool gentle sidefooted half-volley into the near corner past the advancing keeper with my wrong foot)

kudos

http://iob.imgur.com/uYGg/9m3i7TGx3y

wish 5s was more of a thing in stupid canada

http://i.imgur.com/30yWKco.jpg

wow how's he going to save that tent

had to shoot from range they were camped in their own half ffs

btw I scored 6 in last week's fives, the novelty is wearing off. guess i'll only mention the screamers from here on out, or the ones that took place on a beach

I scored four a couple of weeks ago, including the one that got us to 11-9 up after having been 6-0 down very early on. Sadly I also conceded their equaliser at the death.

Scored one tonight, but then completely missed the ball in exactly the same spot later on, under no pressure.

i played the first game with my new work crowd today and rose like a former ulster boys u13 high jump champion at the far post to head home the winner from a corner

it was the winner because the guy marking me hit the back of my head and fucked up his eye worse than the "cut me" scene in rocky and had to be carted off to emergency

#intro

how sharp is your head ffs

Deems, Wolf of Shrewsbury Road

it was one of those sac full of fluid injuries, flopping down over his eye

done a sweet rendition of keane v overmars on ilm top 77 today

good work

scored 6 culminating in the robson-kanu goal hmd

I went to a physio ffs who literally said ffs when I told him I'd been attempting to score goals ffs

Now I'm not allowed score goals ffs

Oh lads

An absolute worldy today, lobbed pass back to me from the corner flag and pearled home into far corner still accelerating in a windmill volley

Was shite besides.

just happy to see the lad back out there

I play with a fella who knows an ilxor so my bonafides can now be ascertained independently

first ever eleven a side goal ffs

fake take on standing left let bounce a foot to my waiting right, outside of that foot across bamboozled defender fading into corner if u must know

Young Marseille fan was just supposed to kick it once... pic.twitter.com/RryFbymMS6

— Rick Metzroth (@MetzrothESPN) August 26, 2018

it me

have a new monday night game across the road from the flat, mighty.

low goals so i was v happy tonight to flick it over the last defender on the turn and then lob the approaching keeper on the volley

eleventh eleven a side match of the season for yr glorious hero

did not score a goal but set up one of our very few goals of the year, meaning out of a total of....ten team goals ive "been involved in" five

wheres my fuckin opta

We talking a rabona cross or...?

the rabona cross is actually a running weekly joke in the work five a side.

fellas our age need something to be doing i guess

i recruited the minister to our five a side game ffs

safe pair of hands

fair target

last minute proper scissor-legged, head flicked, front edge of box into far side netting header from a corner in a real eleven a side to equalise on 90 mins

cant buy a pint tonight lads

im gone a yard slow and very one footed, but every few weeks that foot is romarios. had the pleasure of a beaten opponent shouting "i cant stop the fat cunt" into the turf at a late stage tonight as another one went across the keeper and in off the far post.

your best self

note that i play three times a weke and the thread is only bumped every few months like

btw I can't help but noticing your DN is a riff on the imo standout track off the Luke Kelly album you showed me, one of the better songs I've heard lately, ty again for that

yes it is and yes it is

proud day, im now getting targeted

https://i.imgur.com/5IDtdAg.jpg

conversion rate of 6/7 tonight, one top corner first time across meself, one stud-rolled megs, one off the near post after giving him eyes the far

rolled back the years, im a disgrace most games these days

Congratulations

thanks tb are u kickin a ball at all yrself these days a mhic

I live my athletic dreams vicariously through my coworkers who show to the office up with crutches and casts on occasion

sports after forty are a game for suckers braver folks than I

xp yep ive done that too

non xp well fuck ya ive a year or two yet!

this isn't quite scoring a goal but note how confidently the shot at 2:04 is plucked from the air. camera alas cuts away before recording the ball returned inch-perfectly to the keeper

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGZhpN94oBY

have been playing in boots purchased dec 2018 all year (obv)

bit too long, which i hate, takes that vital immediacy of contact out of my toe-striking style (will defend this much-maligned technique to the death btw) and if im honest ive not enjoyed many of my games all year as a result, also ive been shit

researched a wider/shorter style and picked up a new pair of boots today en route to a local xmas derby match thats a bit of a tradition down the island, and from the moment i put them on i knew i was back.

scored a few crackers, top corner arced swervers, outside of boot faders, touch and all way better.

lads

theyre the same boot

same size, same model, i measured the fuckin things toe to tip.

truly the game is played in our heads

so yesterday

we're 5-2 up, but one of our better players has done his back so we're 9 v 10. I'm having an unusually indifferent game in goal. itching for a go outfield but having to be restrained. pull off my best save in years and then don't come for the ensuing corner which gets bundled in from a yard. get chipped twice. I'm restless. suddenly its 5-5, a man down, and I've had enough. off come the gloves with a panto flourish. our captain and left-back is practically press-ganged into goal and I announce I will play down the left side which is poor code for up front. our midfielder who tbuf has done little all game whines that we're giving up the game (I was keeping like a fool, couldn't he see?) but he probably has a point

anyway, so my first two shots are duff but my third one, after a flowing team move down the right which I started, sails into the roof of the net, past the guy who's chipped me twice and whose turn it was to be in goal. and your hero is not done there - two minutes later I pull off a backheel assist for our striker to lash home the 7th and his 6th. oh yeah, he'd scored all 5 when I came outfield. didn't have a strike partner until then. I make some sort of aggressively wry rejoinder to the given up the game guy but I hardly have to really, the point has been made. it finishes 8-5

well that's that. you did hand in your notice and hung up yr boots straight after, right?

not hanging up anything. a glorious goalscoring career against a bunch of ageing music nerds awaits

fwiw I would now dispute the oft-repeated claim that 4-2 is the most embarrassing winning score

Wait you're not with the ageing music nerds? 'Backheel Assist' a Cardiacs deep cut, surely.

ageing music nerd on ageing music nerd action. every few months in regents park. always looking for new players. ability optional, attitude optional

timely revive

11 a side tonight for our lot, in five degree conditions

new boots clean?

had a horror show last thurs, confidence is low

back to the old identical pair it is then

i was shite all year in them, weve moved on and im not revisiting

lads it wasnt great it wasnt awful it got us out into a beautiful evening im giving it a C+

Won a frame 53-46 on a re-spotted black tonight ahhh yeah that’s the stuff

entirely approve of this flex

actually, as i have alluded elsewhere, we don't have any sports in our isolation chamber/flat except a carrom board so expect some I POCKETED THREE COINS IN A ROW action soon enough

Ha, yeah. Check mate in nine moves ffs!