JJJUSTEN MAKES ONE SENTENCIRIFIC REVIEWS OF ALL THE CRAP THAT HE WATCHES LATE AT NIGHT ON NETFLIX STREAMING XBOX SOMETHING WHY BECAUSE HE BORED ALSO BECAUSE

note: there are a bunch of unrelated movies called dead girl or deadgirl or the deadgirl, this is the most recent one AFAIK

btw how is it possible that there are 3 fucking seasons of tripping the rift that show is completely shit-shoes

fall from grace - a documentary on the westboro baptist church god hates fags crew that is chilling and fucked up and terrifying, not exactly balanced, but uh these people are constitutionally protected evil so what are you going to do, however they did prompt a new username so praise jesus. A

oh btw for those keeping score (and these numbers will get updated as time goes on):

Results 1 - 10 of about 501 for "fred phelps" poopchute

WE CAN DO BETTER

Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin' with the Godmother - not nearly as interesting as the first one, maybe because i had much more information about crack in LA thx to the UNBIASED MEDIA and all, still pretty insane at points, sullied by the decision to make this more "street", pointless poorly done interstitial animation including a hilariously unwarranted PORNO CARTOON. B-

did you watch primer yet? its pretty good

i saw that a few years ago and really liked it. getting pretty frustrated that there isnt a ramp up in good horror on teh streaming netflix for this whole its october deal.

speaking of which:

P2 - stalkery slasher film (the good old man chases lady trope) with some weird pacing, extreeeeeeme violence in tiny snippets, and some of the worst overacting by a villan in recent memory, oh and hey its all set in a locked parking lot so it has sort of that locked room feel except they just keep conveniently adding stuff they forgot to mention (oh did we not mention the rental car office inexplicably located within this underground garage for an office building until it helped us find something else to do with the plot oh hey whoops our bad) all of which adds up to a sort of empty meh with a few jumps and a bunch of ewwwwwwww GAAAAAHHHHH gore moments. C+

haha i just reread that abomination of run-on sentence but i am committed to the thread concept so pbbbt

That Mitchell and Webb Look Season One - totally fucking brilliant, how have i never seen this before, stupid american televisioneers. A

ace ventura jr. is getting a sequel.

well i sure hope it is ace venture the third esq.

you should check out Wicked Lake if just for the cameo in the first 5 minutes. also there were lots of titties and lesbians. (somehow I still fell asleep 10 minutes in so it is probably really terrible.)

i am also hoping you will watch this: http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/Spymate/70045838?trkid=1266358

Vantage Point - cinematography pretty good, story not all that, matthew fox cant really act ever can he? B--

The Perfect Witness - Shockingly good, way above expectations, solid acting, dark and weird and creepy. A!

oh dang is vantage point only a minute long???

wait, perfect witness, shit

Vulgar - Just terrible terrible terrible, one more reason to keep kevin smith off airplanes, like a fever dream of audience hatefuck, but somehow incredibly boring, total waste of 80 minutes. F.

say what now? xpost

spoiler alert : Vulgar is about a party clown that gets gang-raped by a dad and his two sons, and then tries to keep his national tv career safe from the videotaped evidence after saving a young girl from her dad in a police standoff.

O_O

oh and it stars that dante dude from clerks as the clown

and ethan suplee (you may know him as "rotund dude in butterfly effect" or "guy who can not see the sailboat" or "earls probably maybe special needs brother") as deliverance rapist brother #2

run dont walk to your local video store

that is the weirdest plot synopsis i've ever read

ps. happy birthday! (belated)

also, jason mewes in a pointless cameo probably intended to keep him off the pipe for a few minutes

ps. THN+XING @ U!

what the

like how did it even occur to you to watch that

I just read the Wikipedia article on this movie and my previous question still stands

49th Parallel - LOOK OUT AMERICA! Canada will not protect you from the Nazis, they will only give them tea and send them south.

xp I'm with Dan. I don't understand how you choose your movie-watching, John. It's like you're choosing them from another dimension!!!

"a movie produced by Kevin Smith about a clown raped by hillbillies? SIGN ME UP"

if you're going to discover the wonders of fringe cinema and some of the finest unsung moments ever committed to celluloid, somewhere on the way, yer gonna see some clown rape.

so did you not read a plot synopsis or blurb before deciding to watch this, because "Kevin Smith pays hillbillies to rape a clown" would pretty much make my decision for me

it's not like someone said "this is a remake of 'Funny Games'" and pulled a switcheroo on you, is my point I guess

hey if you're going to marry a prince, you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs clown diddlers on the way.

you misspelled "CLOWNSTAPP" btw

its hard to soar with the eagles when your stuck down here flying with clown rapists

btw your assessment of Vantage Point is pretty OTM, although I find Matthew Fox's seeming inability to play a character who isn't Charlie Salinger kind of charming

(side note to dang - did you watch/enjoy the "Funny Games" remake?)

the big saving grace of Vantage Point was the car chase, which was like bourne-worthy work.

I did not watch the "Funny Games" remake because I was so incredibly incensed with the bullshit directorial asshattery of the original getting in the way of a genuinely entertaining, frightening story that actually made the point the director was going for without the extra helping of oversmug cockdom that I refused to watch it even though it has Naomi Watts in it.

oh yeah i think i saw you talking about that on another thread

it was the remote thing that you hated right?

Yes. I was fine with the psycho dude mugging for the audience, but bringing it back into the story and allowing him to rewind the entire film with their remote control turned the entire thing from an engaging, at times horrifying hostage story and into a meaningless piece of trash that wasted some really excellent performances.

idk i was down with that, one more layer of crushing infuriating helplessness, but poking the audience in the eye instead of the protagonists - but it was jarring for sure.

and i totally understand not being down with it, it just worked for me.

sorry for the derail.

^^^ all of this is making me laugh, so thanks for that, even though the phrase "clown rape" is certain to destroy any hope I ever had of peaceful sleep ever again

sticks and stone may break my bones
but words can never hurt me
unless those words are "clown rape"

Amen.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites: A remarkably sympathetic doc about a full on hillbilly outlaw family still rolling along in West Virginia getting in fights, shooting each other, and having other sordid psycho "fun" but lest this sounds like a rootin tootin fun ride through bucktoothed backwoods git-r-doners theres some teeth in here and the film maker stays out of the picture for the most part, letting 4 generations of whites lay out their insane worldview for all to see, so for example when moms buddy starts crushing up pills on the maternity room side table for her it hits in all the right emotional spots. A-

watched this tonight on yr rec and it really was amazing - i really got a soft spot for kirk, but really the whole family was so charismatic... i mean, they lead some fucked up lives and do some v v fucked up shit, but i couldn't help but really feel for them.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work - man went into this doc super stoked because the makers were the ones that did that devil came on horseback doc about the massacre in dafur and joan rivers is kinda awesome and old and mean and batshit plus theres been kinda an infinite stream of rewards from aging post celebrity stuff imo (eyes of tammy faye, that rickles doc, etc) but mainly my impression here is that joan rivers is fucking fascinating but the dudes who did this doc have dull brains and lead eyes, because not once did they work to capitalize on what they had in front of them, so the whole thing sorta degenerates into a year in the life of joan rivers exercise without following down any of the paths of interest or cracks in the seams so although i gave it 4 stars on netflix basically in the hopes that joan gets some $$$ out of more people watching it (and seriously, she could have made a better and more honest movie just running around with her own camera crew) this piece of empty fluff gets a C-

My wife got me watching Fashion Police on E! pretty much solely to see which celebrity Joan Rivers is going to call a tacky whore.

Big Nothing: david schwimmer simon pegg jon polito what could go wrong oh yeah everything, as long as you were hoping for a movie that is discernably a comedy instead of a pile up of ooh im so dark moments with minimal laughs, people need to be reminded that making a good dark comedy is actually really fucking hard to do so we dont all have to get buried under endless spew of this sort of mushbrained dreck, deeply reminiscent of that ice harvest movie that cusack/thornton were in except actually somehow even worse and more wrongheaded and shitty, also diabetes doesnt even work like that you dummies. F

Blood Into Wine: a nice little slice of life documentary about a regular joe giving up his day job to make a run at starting up a winery, but the trick is that the guy is Maynard James Keenan and his day job is being in tool and a perfect circle and his winery is in the desert in Arizona, so there is an angle to be had, weird tone, very funny (featuring a notable once in a lifetime segment where Tim and Eric from that awesome show great job thing are actually funny no i know that is impossible but srsly, i dont understand how it was done either) and pretty capably filmed and structured, with some cool insight into the weirdness of the outsider wine industry and a decent attempt to dispell the OMG MAYNARD IS THE CRAZIEST OF THE CRAZY CRAZYPANTS I HEAR HE DRINKS HIS OWN PEE stuff that seems to circle around him in the public fanboy eye. B+

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard - yes, Jeremy Piven is in it and yes as we all know he is a terrible terrible man but nonetheless this is dumbheaded sub-anchorman comedy done right, although none of that comes from piven who mostly walks around stinking up the place but the supporting cast is magical and completely rolls out a no embarrassment allowed throw it at the wall and see if it sticks and most of the time it does, tbh the movie had me at the line "Nobody tells DJ Request what to do!" and held from there, i mean good lord its dumb as hell but it cuddles up to its lowbrow and makes it work. B (loses one letter grade for pivenness)

not even going to try and catch up here

Mystery Team - ok so i guess that in the tradition of those broken lizard mopes who hit it big with super troopers and then shovelled shitpile after shitpile onto humanity, the thing to do these days if yer a comedy troupe with ties to the UCB is to put out a movie and see what happens, which in this case is not all bad, these dudes are apparently called Derrick comedy and despite an urge to try anything funny or not in sort of a grab bag fashion and a very boring standard "every 15 minutes do something disgusting" mantra theres some fairly funny stuff here, lead dude ended up getting his role on community thanks to this movie, or so says imdb/wikipedia and the rest of them all seem to be busy writing, also insane amount of cameos here so i kinda doubt the veracity of that, charming yet dumb but what the hell. B-

High Lane - so the french, who are otherwise obv not the most trustworthy types in the world have been banging out some pretty solid gutpunching horror for the last several years, so when i saw a summary of this and realized that it was kinda a reimagining of the descent, but replace caving claustrophobia with terrifying dizzing mountainclimbing suspension bridge gonna kill you agoraphobia i knew it would be worth a shot and of course i was 1000% completely fucking dead wrong, without even getting into the horrible dub job which is hard to skip because FUCK YOU but i digress, once you get past that you get 20 minutes of promising stomach dropping cant breathe terrifying mountain climbing nightmare vista near accidents, which are beautiful and stunning, then the crazy maniac shows up and its like some dude just walked into the movie swinging a leaking pail of shit and no one escapes without getting coated in stupid, godawful, redeemed only by the fact that you kinda want everyone in the movie to die and YAY most of them do. D

Shadow - ok lets get the bad stuff out of the way here first the ending to this is pretty ??? and there are framing aspects that are reeeal questionable as well, gratuitous excess of mountain biking and so on, also director is in some italian pop band so well, who knows what to think, but once you get past that theres something interesting going on here, not the least of which is that the dude they cast as the baddie is ultra menacing and unpleasant, and there are some turns that really work, and although the motivations at hand are a little surface level there really isnt the usual unbelieveable mess of reasoning you might suspect, and at the end even if you shrug at the directors message it isnt enough to ruin the film, just maybe tarnish it a little. B

did you ever see CHUD 2?