M4rk Cr4ig (aka Bimble) RIP

Sorry. I can't be helping. You or me.

Aw, Abbot, I wish I could reach through the internet and tell you how much better my world is without me in it.

I have noticed my mum kind of ringing me more often these past few days, almost checking up on me. Although it has greatly upset me, and yeah, I'm having trouble dealing with it, and I can't say it hasn't affected my moods - the one thing that it has REALLY driven home is...

No matter how alone you feel, or how isolated you think you are, you are still connected to people. And those people, though you may not *know* it emotionally, when you're in a dark place - there are people who would feel as gutted and awful and grieving as you and I feel right now, if one of a theoretical us were to do the same thing.

Sorry, I'm losing grammatical coherence at this point. But it's driven it home, how much suicide hurts the people around you. And every time I think of doing it, I think of this pain I feel right now and think that no matter how awful life is, I don't want to inflict this pain on someone else.

Wait, that makes no sense. At all.

How the fuck did that come out?

How much better my world is with ABBOT in it.

Shit that is one fucking Freudian slip and I almost want to ask a moderator to fix that cause that scares me, that that came out.

xp Most elaborate slip of the tongue ever.

Jesus christ. That just isn't what I wrote, I have no idea how that came out.

I feel really weird about his last.fm. The last few things he heard, I had just recently sent him --- and the fact that the last one he ever played was Penderecki's Threnody is creeping me the fuck out. He immediately sent me an e-mail telling me how scary and goth he found it.

I feel quite horrified now.

Kate: it's ok. Not that creepy, slip or not. It's gonna be a kind of dark thread, we all know that going in.

Besides, I'm the one laying out how very awfully relatable it all is, in detail; you have nothing to get skittish about.

what the fuck?!? I figured this was some in-joke before I clicked on it... I don't know what to say, this is just awful.

truly shocked, this is super-depressing.

I always appreciated his stuff on the Lou Reed threads

There isn't much in the world that can happen to me in life where the version of "Waiting For My Man" from this album won't pull me out of the blues. I remember hearing that at 3AM in the dark on the radio when I was a teenager and I played it on my iPod just now as I walked outside. That shit has magical properties for me. It heals me on levels I can't explain. It is the ultimate go-to record for me when I'm down, only I don't tend to think of it as anywhere near the first thing to play in those moods. For those who haven't heard it, this is about 6 billion miles from the Velvet Underground version, we're not in Kansas anymore.

A recent girlfriend of mine pointed out to me that he & Laurie Anderson finally tied the knot in April.

― Bimble, Saturday, July 12, 2008 7:33 AM (1 year ago) Bookmark

Which version?

He immediately sent me an e-mail telling me how scary and goth he found it.

Im actually glad you sent him that and its not just something he picked out as his final song if you know what i mean . That there's a reason he played it and it's just coincidence it's his last song. (it might not have been his last song he heard anyway given his addiction to youtube).

The completely ludicrous blues-shuffle version that's on Take No Prisoners

(x-post_

The last few days have been weird, as they've been filled with absolute sadness then weirdly, anger at him for doing it, then guilt at not being online that night a if i couldve helped, even though I know others were online and say he wasnt on then back to sadness again. I've never known someone who has committed suicide before but I do know I dont want it to happen again.

and to all of you who have taken it really badly or might feel like bimble did in the future please hang in there.

I lurk here all the time and have rarely ever posted. I was always happy to read Bimble's posts and they so often made me dig out something I hadn't listened to for a while or search for something I'd never heard. Even though I'm not really part of any ilx community and I never had any contact with him, I found I've been thinking about him a lot since I heard the news. As some sort of private tribute I decided to find his last.fm profile and listen to his station. I had to laugh when the first song played was "Working For The Weekend". So RIP Bimble. Your enthusiasm and your taste gave me--someone you had no idea existed--a little more to enjoy in life. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

He's not the first person I have known to have done this. But trust me, it doesn't get any easier with practice.

I've been coming back to this thread occasionally since Friday, not quite wanting to post something since I enjoyed Bimble's enthusiasm but, being a very occasional poster, didn't have much to add and felt like it'd be selfish to say anything. But, as it's just one post in a thread with some good thoughts, here it goes.

My fiancée attempted to take her life last Wednesday night, not long before this thread was posted. I'm feeling odd even posting this, since I've had to step away and we're now what I would describe as separated at best. I feel like I can feel supportive now, but not to the extent I can help directly -- she's had a long path that's lead to this, and while she is sure now that she's hit the bottom, I'm still going to have fears. She's been in denial about how serious her problem has been for quite a while and I feel like I've enabled a lot of behavior and feel guilty and angry about it.

Abbott's suggestion of seeking help if you feel at all affected or desperate yourself are spot on. The best thing you can do for yourself, your family, and your friends is to get help. There is nothing shameful in having these feelings, or not being able to deal with parts of your life.

jesus mh, im sorry to hear that, i hope your fiancee and you can both get enough help to feel solid and happy, together or separately

mh, i think that's a very good post. it's a really difficult thing to deal with these feelings in the context of a relationship, insofar as the issue of responsibility arises. i wish you the very best in your relationship.

mh, my best wishes for you and your fiance. Be strong.

Same for me, hope things get better for you both, mh.

To clarify, I feel completely horrible, but I really think my part in things is done with. I'd like to write more about it right now, but it's not really the place. Thanks for the kind words.

Godd luck mh, sounds like an awful and confusing situation to be in. Hope all y'all can find the help you need.

BTW I was kind of wondering whether there was any money left over from the recent ILX fundraising thing, and if so, maybe that could go to a mental health charity in Seattle or something. Or maybe we could set something up? Would be nice to do something positive in this situation to try and fight the sadness.

To clarify, I feel completely horrible, but I really think my part in things is done with.

omg no Thank You for being the kind of person who understands this.

It's not about saving people. It's about everyone's relationship with living, or sometimes not living. Nobody is going to save you. Some people might tolerate you along the way, but it's best not to ask for the impossible.

I may sound like a horrible person. But really now. What can you do?

there are good points here. we have all have responsibilities to each other, in addition to ourselves. this is what can become so difficult in relationships.

Well said. I would never say otherwise.

But I might also say that a person who is unwilling to take responsibility for their own EXISTENCE, their own sustenance, be it spiritual or what have you, is not a partner but a parasite. Some people are like this. They can only be the takers in a relationship, and can't find it in themselves to give. Dump these people immediately.

Getting off topic, though.

i definitely understand this. i'm extremely self-aware on this point, because i never want to be a chore.

ever.

Yeah I am a bit of a chore sometimes about not being a chore.

like, i think we all have a responsibility to make each other happy

But no one's feeling of responsibility to make someone happier can outweigh the person's own desire to be happier, or not happier. It's the truest cliche ever. The lightbulb has to WANT to change. And if not that, it at least has to want to light you up as well.

it's true, i just mean. i always want to be the person making the people in my life happy, instead of being the person who needs needs needs. that's just my personal thing.

You are officially DATE-ABLE!

Hi guys, I went away from ILX for a year and a half or so b/c my job got too busy to post anymore, but about 6 months ago started lurking a lot again. Bimble's suicide has really shaken me. Thinking about it so many times since Thursday morning. He was my age, and his relationship to music so similar to mine. He's basically a peer. And god help me, I did tease him after Tony Wilson died and he was flipping out.

When someone takes their life, for me it creates this terrifying black hole, it tears a big rent in reality and rationality. Just once I got horribly close to that precipice, 19 years ago. Straight-up garden-variety depression with an OCD/anxiety component has always been my deal, and that shit has been managed quite well with SSRI's for like 15 years now, but the fear that my mind could simply destroy me like it tried to in 1990, that my mind is DANGEROUS, is apparently going to ride with me daily for the rest of my life. Only my evergreen Reagan-child terror of nuclear holocaust is as perennial a companion.

Abbott, there's nothing wrong with falling back on yr klonopin at a time like this, I've done exactly the same. Pretty soon, just knowing I have it on hand to fall back on denecessitates me actually taking any.

I am so hungry to know more things about Bimble's demise, so I can fit the event back into the causal universe, but I know that's not really healthy. RIP Bimble-- I hope your soul has become sound.

Ha, klonopin wasn't even my idea! The husband has an rx for it & was basically like "god, for fuck's sake, take one of these."

xp

I can't possibly say more than that, or better.

If anyone wants to talk/vent/cry over the online btw you can email me at igotabeefpastry @ gmail . com

RIP Bimble-- I hope your soul has become sound.

Lovely words. He seems to reverberate all through ILX now.

xpost Klonopin is v v handy at crisis times. Although there's a Stevie Nicks connection which is a little disturbing at the moment. And you really truly can't drink on it.

(mh, i really hope your girlfriend can find help/a way out of the darkness.)

Fuck. Just seen this. Very sad.

Goddamnit I still have the acrid feeling in my stomach... I'm still expecting the chat bubble to pop up at an inopportune time telling me to go listen to a Wake 12" or twenty-five year old Simple Minds outtakes.