M4rk Cr4ig (aka Bimble) RIP

This still keeps hitting me, its weird :(

I've had this paradoxical disconnect/deep sadness since this happened, which is entirely new to me b/c, prior to my involvement w/ ILX (which is, in itself, in a relatively nascent stage), I haven't really been involved in any sort of online community. As such, I've been slow to reach out to communicate w/ ilxors on a more personal level, out of shyness or whatever, tho some of you have sought me out & Bimble was one of those. We mainly rapped about music, traded files or whatever but he was still an ally, even if I didn't really know him as a person, which I might have gotten to do, if not for this.

This didn't really hit me until tonight, as I'm looking for a proper Pale Saints song to add to his ILX mixtape.

again, RIP Bimble.

Trayce ,judging by all these posts, you're not the only one. Hang in there.

It's weird, I find this hard to talk about on ILX - probably because it's too close to home.

I was online a lot at the weekend, and kept expecting to log on and see him in my inbox and he wasn't there.

I keep thinking about suicide, in the abstract, as, like a concept - it keeps popping into my head. Not in the normal kind of reflexive way, but in a "can't get it out of my head" way. The way it affects the people left behind. The hole it leaves in a community. How you never realise you're part of a community until an important member of it dies.

And that missing sense of connection to that person that's gone reinforces one's own sense of disconnection.

Because the more I read people writing about him, it's realising that he really was one of those people who functions as the glue in a community, that he had connections with so many people here, over so many different things.

Sorry, I don't express myself well, I never do.

Kate you're fine, of course you express yourself well :)

We have had several of our kin here pass away in recent years, and I still put a hand to my heart to every time I see an old post of theirs.

Ive known a few old workmates or acquaintances that have died in recent years too, from overdoses, suicide, illness. None of them were at all close.

This is the first time someone I like to think I knew well and talked to a lot has chosen this path. It feels like a breakup, oddly - going onto their stomping grounds and they're not there any more, and re-remembering.

Bimble, I am sorry I couldn't handle yr brightness. Maybe it mirrored some of my own too much. I hope you're looking down at us all and smiling though.

I'm almost always a lurker and had no interaction with Bimble at all, but I heard "Look Out Any Window" by Bruce Hornsby for the first time in the last month or so and that was down to him. Sorry to all who knew him. RIP

I suppose what I most relate to and am most shaken up about is my own occasional urge to do exactly what Bimble did. Fuck anyone who has ever said it's the "easy way out". I have taken the easy way out in almost every way in my life, but I have never taken this particular bungee jump. There's nothing easy about it. It's as difficult as it is awful. It takes something special to do it, something that I very much understand, could never possibly explain, and (thank god) do not possess, at least not as of this writing.

I wish I knew him better so I could feel real grief. That would at least clear my head and put me in a place I was not before.

I understand what you mean, Kenan. Been there, felt that way but somehow was too chickenshit scared to actually do it (or, you could say, I still saw that all things pass, even the bad shit). But then I was merely depressed, it wasn't tied to any physical pain, so I could hold on to the hope that it was changeable. And it was.

jeez, damn. r.i.p.

i didn't really interact with him here, but still, when ILXors pass it always jolts me.

I tried committing suicide a couple times because "life would be better dead", "it's the only way out". I never said I was feeling sad at the time. I said I was just irritated with the rest of the world.

Anyways, however many months after my suicide attempts I decided that I WOULD NEVER do that again. In fact I had a renewed appreciation for life.

Not to mention finally adjusting meds over the years to a workable combination (fyi. no combination is ever perfect and med adjustment takes a long time) has put me in a generally happy state today.

The fact that I would never never commit suicide just goes to show that comments like these: "suicide is just as natural thing as freedom of choice. I didn't choose to be born - I have no obligation to live" are really radical comments. I'm certain that many many people can change their mind about committing suicide. Suicide is not the only option and you can really love and appreciate life even if you don't feel like you there is anything for you at the moment. The fact that I could change my outlook on life to a point where I can say I would never commit suicide and that it's the worst thing anyone can do. This is coming from someone that was suicidal. SO NO, suicide is not natural or a free choice anyone should allow themselves to make. Being suicidal is a problem that CAN BE FIXED. Anyone can naturally find a way appreciate life 1,000,000,000 times more. It doesn't take a failed suicide attempt either. Anyone that has been thinking about committing suicide should call that help line - things can only get better. It might take time, but things do get much better.

Can we PLEASE not turn this into a suicide: classic or dud thread? I really couldn't stand it.

I had to lock the thread on ILTMI after this happened. I just don't want to go there right now. Too soon.

only just saw this thread. i'm deeply saddened. obv never met Bimble in person, but he was one of my fave posters here. RIP.

The rest of my post is kind of bollocks except for: "I wish I knew him better so I could feel real grief. That would at least clear my head and put me in a place I was not before." Because otherwise, the things you mostly feel are all ugly. I suppose I only speak for me. Self-pity, self-aggrandizement, pornographically public introspection... none of this has much to do with what leads a person -- certainly not a person as sharp as Bimble -- to shut out all the lights. I can empathize, but that's not an activity that leaves me feeling clean or insightful or righteous or anything but worse. If it was my grandmother, I'd have signposts to the things I felt. I'd have emotions that were deeper than brain-level, and the experience could be processed at that level. This? All I can feel is... kinship. At best, kinship with a person who offed himself. It's more than a little bit fucking grim.

This still keeps hitting me, its weird :(

Me too, Trayce.

I suppose what I most relate to and am most shaken up about is my own occasional urge to do exactly what Bimble did.

kenan you said the same thing I was too worried to vocalize here. (Maybe you guys can tell I am also flipped out abt the idea of copycat suicides!) My husband had to keep giving me clonopin all weekend to kill my freaking shakiness and racing thoughts. I'm feeling less freaked out by me, at least, but this is still hitting me hard. Dissociating all the time, which I haven't done in years. What a confusing world we live in.

Sorry. I can't be helping. You or me.

Aw, Abbot, I wish I could reach through the internet and tell you how much better my world is without me in it.

I have noticed my mum kind of ringing me more often these past few days, almost checking up on me. Although it has greatly upset me, and yeah, I'm having trouble dealing with it, and I can't say it hasn't affected my moods - the one thing that it has REALLY driven home is...

No matter how alone you feel, or how isolated you think you are, you are still connected to people. And those people, though you may not *know* it emotionally, when you're in a dark place - there are people who would feel as gutted and awful and grieving as you and I feel right now, if one of a theoretical us were to do the same thing.

Sorry, I'm losing grammatical coherence at this point. But it's driven it home, how much suicide hurts the people around you. And every time I think of doing it, I think of this pain I feel right now and think that no matter how awful life is, I don't want to inflict this pain on someone else.

Wait, that makes no sense. At all.

How the fuck did that come out?

How much better my world is with ABBOT in it.

Shit that is one fucking Freudian slip and I almost want to ask a moderator to fix that cause that scares me, that that came out.

xp Most elaborate slip of the tongue ever.

Jesus christ. That just isn't what I wrote, I have no idea how that came out.

I feel really weird about his last.fm. The last few things he heard, I had just recently sent him --- and the fact that the last one he ever played was Penderecki's Threnody is creeping me the fuck out. He immediately sent me an e-mail telling me how scary and goth he found it.

I feel quite horrified now.

Kate: it's ok. Not that creepy, slip or not. It's gonna be a kind of dark thread, we all know that going in.

Besides, I'm the one laying out how very awfully relatable it all is, in detail; you have nothing to get skittish about.

what the fuck?!? I figured this was some in-joke before I clicked on it... I don't know what to say, this is just awful.

truly shocked, this is super-depressing.

I always appreciated his stuff on the Lou Reed threads

There isn't much in the world that can happen to me in life where the version of "Waiting For My Man" from this album won't pull me out of the blues. I remember hearing that at 3AM in the dark on the radio when I was a teenager and I played it on my iPod just now as I walked outside. That shit has magical properties for me. It heals me on levels I can't explain. It is the ultimate go-to record for me when I'm down, only I don't tend to think of it as anywhere near the first thing to play in those moods. For those who haven't heard it, this is about 6 billion miles from the Velvet Underground version, we're not in Kansas anymore.

A recent girlfriend of mine pointed out to me that he & Laurie Anderson finally tied the knot in April.

― Bimble, Saturday, July 12, 2008 7:33 AM (1 year ago) Bookmark

Which version?

He immediately sent me an e-mail telling me how scary and goth he found it.

Im actually glad you sent him that and its not just something he picked out as his final song if you know what i mean . That there's a reason he played it and it's just coincidence it's his last song. (it might not have been his last song he heard anyway given his addiction to youtube).

The completely ludicrous blues-shuffle version that's on Take No Prisoners

(x-post_

The last few days have been weird, as they've been filled with absolute sadness then weirdly, anger at him for doing it, then guilt at not being online that night a if i couldve helped, even though I know others were online and say he wasnt on then back to sadness again. I've never known someone who has committed suicide before but I do know I dont want it to happen again.

and to all of you who have taken it really badly or might feel like bimble did in the future please hang in there.

I lurk here all the time and have rarely ever posted. I was always happy to read Bimble's posts and they so often made me dig out something I hadn't listened to for a while or search for something I'd never heard. Even though I'm not really part of any ilx community and I never had any contact with him, I found I've been thinking about him a lot since I heard the news. As some sort of private tribute I decided to find his last.fm profile and listen to his station. I had to laugh when the first song played was "Working For The Weekend". So RIP Bimble. Your enthusiasm and your taste gave me--someone you had no idea existed--a little more to enjoy in life. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

He's not the first person I have known to have done this. But trust me, it doesn't get any easier with practice.

I've been coming back to this thread occasionally since Friday, not quite wanting to post something since I enjoyed Bimble's enthusiasm but, being a very occasional poster, didn't have much to add and felt like it'd be selfish to say anything. But, as it's just one post in a thread with some good thoughts, here it goes.

My fiancée attempted to take her life last Wednesday night, not long before this thread was posted. I'm feeling odd even posting this, since I've had to step away and we're now what I would describe as separated at best. I feel like I can feel supportive now, but not to the extent I can help directly -- she's had a long path that's lead to this, and while she is sure now that she's hit the bottom, I'm still going to have fears. She's been in denial about how serious her problem has been for quite a while and I feel like I've enabled a lot of behavior and feel guilty and angry about it.

Abbott's suggestion of seeking help if you feel at all affected or desperate yourself are spot on. The best thing you can do for yourself, your family, and your friends is to get help. There is nothing shameful in having these feelings, or not being able to deal with parts of your life.

jesus mh, im sorry to hear that, i hope your fiancee and you can both get enough help to feel solid and happy, together or separately

mh, i think that's a very good post. it's a really difficult thing to deal with these feelings in the context of a relationship, insofar as the issue of responsibility arises. i wish you the very best in your relationship.

mh, my best wishes for you and your fiance. Be strong.

Same for me, hope things get better for you both, mh.

To clarify, I feel completely horrible, but I really think my part in things is done with. I'd like to write more about it right now, but it's not really the place. Thanks for the kind words.

Godd luck mh, sounds like an awful and confusing situation to be in. Hope all y'all can find the help you need.

BTW I was kind of wondering whether there was any money left over from the recent ILX fundraising thing, and if so, maybe that could go to a mental health charity in Seattle or something. Or maybe we could set something up? Would be nice to do something positive in this situation to try and fight the sadness.

To clarify, I feel completely horrible, but I really think my part in things is done with.

omg no Thank You for being the kind of person who understands this.

It's not about saving people. It's about everyone's relationship with living, or sometimes not living. Nobody is going to save you. Some people might tolerate you along the way, but it's best not to ask for the impossible.

I may sound like a horrible person. But really now. What can you do?

there are good points here. we have all have responsibilities to each other, in addition to ourselves. this is what can become so difficult in relationships.

Well said. I would never say otherwise.

But I might also say that a person who is unwilling to take responsibility for their own EXISTENCE, their own sustenance, be it spiritual or what have you, is not a partner but a parasite. Some people are like this. They can only be the takers in a relationship, and can't find it in themselves to give. Dump these people immediately.

Getting off topic, though.

i definitely understand this. i'm extremely self-aware on this point, because i never want to be a chore.