List your culinary disasters.

Mind you this reminds me of the time I was going thru the fridge when living at parents and saw a jug of liquid and, being a juice jug, I thought "oh nice, pinapple juice!"

And I took a big slug, only to find out it was some kind of horrible fat runoff from cooking :/ BLEUGH.

egg nog is bad, making a sauce for fish from a box of chocolates + a wheel of cheese is just taking it to a whole other level imo

you know, that's not even abt 'dont you know how to cook?' that's like 'have you ever eaten food in yr life?'

once missed the fact that the rice vinegar was supposed to be diluted, so I added it straight to the rice, resulting in the vinegar-iest sushi rice ever. the first bite was good--ooh, flavorful!-- but each additional bite made you progressively queasier.

this thread is A+ hilarious

i haven't had any chocolate-and-cheese-on-fish culinary disasters lately (fuck, EVER), but i did recently make rice pudding out of the following ingredients:

leftover rice
cardamom seeds
milk
2 sugar packets
2 international delight vanilla creamers
7-8 crumbled ginger cookies
raisins

and it was pretty good.

(this was at a rental house i was sharing with friends and we didn't have vanilla extract, but for some reason there were those gross creamers.)

sometime last year i made chicken broth from a chicken i had roasted and eaten and then i accidentally left it (the broth) out on the counter to cool for too long.

then i thought, oh why not use it? i made chicken soup for my tired husband and we wound up with food poisoning. oops.

My mum's freezer died so she made a veg 'rage' curry that we had to eat for about 3 weeks.

All the frozen veg from the plot, in a curry, whether it worked or not.

And the slightest complaint was met with a steely look.

When I was a kid (like 13 or so) I made Kraft mac & cheese but somehow missed the instruction on the box to drain the noodles after boiling them so I dumped the cheese powder in with all the water and noodles and ended up with macaroni and cheese soup.

One Christmas a relative cooked a Christmas pudding in the microwave for 20 minutes on full power. The result looked like a lump of tar.

Apparently I haven't yet mentioned the time I didn't wash the spinach properly. :-(

super hungry last night. rushing. less than 30 mins to cook and eat. don't want crap, trying to eat well. okay. grill salmon/veg 10 mins. super quick dressing. done. hmm, packet of cous cous, what could be easier? it's been sitting here for months. right, boil water, add to cous cous and wait 5 mins. easy.

boil water, boil water, boil water. argh. so frustrating that i can't seem to use a kettle. occasionally this happens with cups of tea/coffee too. heated the cous cous in the microwave and it came out as some sort of rancid gloopy mess.

what went uncommented in this thread is that louis's "good recipes" that he linked to sound, and i say this with love, totally bizarre as well.

xp dude what is this issue you are having re: boiling water?

http://cache3.vuze.com/assets/042/14684240/60069/3JSG7VJESP54O6CAXKJ2P4OHYHSRIQMM_3.jpg

forgetting to turn the kettle on when i'm in a rush/mornings. xpost

^ louis cooking for his family obv

i just looked at louis's other recipes - prawns in sauerkraut?

i cater for weddings, bar mitzvahs, corporate events

here's my card - it's edible

the prawns in sauerkraut were garnish for a lamb liver

really having trouble wrapping my head around that tbh

xxpost I need fiber, not paper

wow, coffee and smoked mackerel xxxpost

it is a tart and playful matting of paper, cumin and steamed cauliflower, i insist you have a nibble xp

It wasn't a disaster, but a recent corn + potato chowder was just depressing. It started with about 3 dozen ears from the last of my dad's corn patch -- they were already more starchy than sweet, and I didn't get around to them for 3 days or so, so they just weren't very good. We had creamed corn for one meal, then I tried to jazz it up by making a chowder, and it was just starch on top of starch. Bleh. But there's nothing like the first few ears of the summer.

xpost -- LJ should try to wring a "Saw"-type screenplay out of all this bullcrap he tries. Instead of having to cut off his own hand to escape, the hero has to eat some ghastly thing concocted by the creepy be-lipsticked villain in drag.

"ha ha! the key to the padlock securing you to the table is inside this roast chicken that has been stuffed with sprouts, doused in brandy, set alight, and then covered in a radish and dandelion sauce!"

that sounds fairly tame as my recipes go tbh

one time I got drunk and poured whiskey in everything

My mom tried to deep fry a pot roast once. It only cooked the outer shell, and when it was sliced open, it was a Shining-style curtain of hot bloody water. This would not have been so bad had she not volunteered to feed missionaries that night.

I learned qwhen you have company, stick to something you've tried before.

Please tell us that it was sliced open at the table in front of the guests...

Yes it was!!! :D

my latest minor "disasters" have been, umm relatively minor, ever since the time I accidentally put twice as much water as should have been in the cake mix and made Weird Cake:

- tossed potato wedges with garlic, rosemary, onion, and oil, but then accidentally left the oven set on a high broil and, after the flames were dealt with, had roughly edible potatoes covered with the ashy corpses of the other items

- shredded big fresh brussel sprouts into a slaw and cooked with ginger, to serve under fish; I think this was sound in concept, except that I always, always greatly misjudge the power of fresh grated ginger

- if trying to make a lemon + cream sauce, use some sort of already-tangy dairy like sour cream or something, or you might make something more like a "curdle sauce"

- I don't even know how to start going into what went wrong with the cornmeal-breaded fried chicken

Weird Cake

Would that be like a cake soup?
First time cooking sponge cake in the microwave, the resultant mass turned out like packing foam.

Weird Cake actually looked and felt like dense cornbread, except sweet and cake-tasting -- would have been edible and tasty and non-weird to anyone who had never had either cornbread or cake

I did the ginger thing again on Sunday, btw. Possibly my problem is that a whole big-ass chunk of ginger somehow grates down to like one teaspoon of "you will not be able to taste anything else you put me in"

Tried making tacos the way my mom makes them one day. Sauteed the vegetables to put in the meat and got some lightly fried tortillas going, but I guess the ground beef I used was a little old. As soon as the meat hit the saucepan, my roommates knew something was wrong because the steam that rose had a terrible, unrecognizable stench to it. My roommate described it as the smell of ground beef cooking if the ground beef came from zombies. I always use unfrozen meats the day I buy them now.

worst thing i've done lately is put way too much mint in a frittata but that still ended up pretty good. mint + sriracha = pleasant lip-numby-burny sensation

nabs, to make a lemon cream sauce you should probably mix the citrus with wine or pan drippings or something first, then add the cream SLOWLY while stirring.

totally makes sense -- thanks!

can i just

if you never poured homemade luxury chocolate and camembert cheese over tilapia, you probably don't belong itt

thread now locked to all but one person in the entire history of the planet then

the phrase "luxury chocolate" is killing me.

How else can you describe chocolates filled with with low-grade rum and brandy? Especially those with chocolate sprinkles on top?

maybe LJ should write The Ween Cookbook, complete with this fabulous "Chocolate and Cheese" repice

We're trying to bring this thread back to "the culinary disasters of normal human beings" rather than "LJ does fusion and by fusion we mean fusion atom bomb".

ginger somehow grates down to like one teaspoon

Key point is, fresh ginger is about a billion times stronger than the dried powder. Actually I use this Julian Graves' Chinese Stem Ginger in syrup, which is pretty good, hot but not bleeeeeeeeeeurrAAAAARRGGH.

there's nothing wrong with chocolate and cheese by itself -- a cup of hot chocolate is often served with cheese for a snack. pretty typical south american thing iirc.

but melting it all and pouring over a heavily seasoned piece of whitefish? dear god.

The fish is the real problem here.

if using tequila & limes to marinate chicken prior to grilling, please remember to use the tequila sparingly, unless you enjoy eating hot booze

adding cooked rice to canned tomato soup is a fine idea; cooking the rice in the tomato soup is not

what happens? tomato gruel?