Tell Me About: Threesomes

http://us.ent4.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/tv_pix/nbc/saturday_night_live_episode_photos/_group_photos/rachel_dratch53.jpg

This was all long ago, and I've been with the same person for the last three years (and very happily so). While the threesomes were a blast, I don't miss them at all.

You also need to look at and discuss all of the possible negative outcomes of the experience - don't think "well, we're not the jealous types" and leave it at that - you don't know how jealous or insecure or uncomfortable you might be until you're in the situation. How will you address these issues if they come-up in the middle of three of you frolicking around? How will you address them afterward?

You might want to consider (since you're coming from the "couple" end of things) setting some ground rules about what can and can't be done (I know that lots of people feel more secure if there are certain activities that are reserved for just the couple - like oral sex or whatever - something that shows that there's a bond between the two of you and that you're not going to share that with someone else). However, if you do choose to set such a restriction, you need to make that clear to the third person, so they don't overstep that boundary.

As far as bringing-up the topic with this other person, I'd recommend a public, though quiet, location - don't do it at yours or their house, as if there's a negative reaction, you're going to associate that with the place where it happened - you don't want them to always feel uncomfortable about coming to your house or you visting at their place. Depending on the dynamics, if this third person is closer to one of the partners than the other, the initial suggestion might be better brought-up with just the two of them, before the group discussion begins. (Oh, and as far as where to actually have the sex goes, you might want to think about some neutral place, so that if it is a negative experience the "marriage bed", so to speak, isn't associated with that.)

When it's the three of you talking, make sure that you're not all intoxicated or otherwise under the influence - you have to all have clear heads and minds. And, like it or not, you need to talk about some pretty uncomfortable things, like birth control, and STDs, and past partners, besides addressing all of the emotional issues. Make sure that during all of this you're not pairing off as two against one, which it can sometimes feel like is happening - this isn't a tag-team event, it's a sharing of something intimate and fun between three equals. Be sure to talk about limits and likes and dislikes (really, it's best not to have decided that anal sex will only happen between the couple and then to be in bed and suddenly discover that the third person only likes anal sex - or can't stand to watch it or think about it).

The three of you also need to talk about what happens afterward - do you all spend the night together? Or does someone leave? When do you all talk about what happened? If it doesn't go well, do you agree that you'll talk about what went wrong? If it goes great, when will you talk about that?

Don't have unrealistic expectations about the actual event - it's confusing, you'll end-up in uncomfortable (physical) positions, and there may be times where someone feels left out, because the other two are caught-up in each other. And you know how tough it can be to have mutual orgasms? Three of you coming at once - well, it can happen, but I think that's more of a fluke or a result of lots and lots of (fun) practice. It's not all going to be perfect and wonderful - the fantasy is never the reality - but the reality can exceed the fantasy, if everything goes well. Or maybe you'll need to do it a few times to learn what works and doesn't work.

A threesome can be incredible - physically and emotionally - it can bring people together and provide greater intimacy - it can strengthen bonds - it can be an excellent thing. But it can also be painful, emotionally destructive, dividing, and alienating. Ultimately, no matter how much you prepare for things, you won't know how you feel about it all until it's happening. (And you may discover that the negative emotions arise sometime after the incident, too.)

Talk and talk and talk. Have a sense of humor. Make sure that you all like each other (being physically attracted to someone isn't enough). Don't take yourself too seriously. Be open. Be honest. Admit your fears and concerns. Talk about your hopes and wishes, too. If you're at all uncertain, then don't do it. If you are certain that it's something that the three of you want, then go for it, with open minds and hearts and a resolve that no matter what happens, you're going to work through the after-effects together.

I stick by the idea that threesomes are best made up of three independents versus a couple plus one. While the later version can work out ok depending on the people involved, it is much more likely to backfire.

I don't know if it's better to have it be a couple and then a third person or three individual people - it's based on personalities and compatabilities, and I think that the odds of something working or not working are probably close - but that the ramifications of the working/not working could be more wide-reaching if two of the participants are a couple.

I've been in threesomes in both situations, and I can't say that either situation was particularly more successful or easy than the other - again, it's personalities and the situation at the time.

(Sniffs) Just asking.

This is why threesomes don't work.

(one other time was fun, but hey)

this is one of those things that deserves all the hype, imo.

*sings* we know what you've been dooooo-iiiiing...

just wanted to disagree with all the naysayers in the clusterfuck thread. Threesomes are worth the effort!

tmi bomb: my gf mentioned that she had one of these in college with another girl and a 'random guy'... and as someone who was never really able to manage to score random hookups ever, let alone more than one simultaneously, (and also as someone who has very very often fantasized about this sort of encounter), the thought of it is just seriously, nonstop haunting me since she mentioned it. i've become more depressed than i've been since high school, and i can hardly look at her and keep it together, i'm just constantly distracted by the idea of it. i feel like any attempt to talk through my feelings with her would turn into shitty emotional manipulation of one sort or another. and i don't think i should even want to try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into, with a number of boundaries) because i feel like even in the best case scenario, i'd find some reason to be disappointed that it isn't the same as the kind of freewheeling, no-strings hookup that she (well honestly, that 'random guy') had. i don't want to blame her or accost her for her sexual past, it's her life and her business and i understand that this is more of a deep insecurity thing that is my problem, not hers..... but i just can't seem to get over it. it's been almost a week since we talked and it's still literally the only thing i seem to be capable of thinking about when i'm not occupied by doing something. why is this such a big deal? ugh :(

Been a long time since we had a properly done logged out post. Well done

huh

wb deems

i've become more depressed than i've been since high school, and i can hardly look at her and keep it together

Your reaction to this is pretty extreme. I mean - how long ago was this? Actually that doesn't really matter because you're right, it's her life and her past and your reaction to this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own insecurities and issues.

x-post - lol

you are probably imagining this other guy as some sort of stud who managed to not only score this fantasy but did so with your now-gf. Probably best to imagine him saying something like "could you both suck my balls?" and him not being able to enjoy the threesome bc he hears that echoing in his head. Sorry if you're actually the balls echo guy.

hable con ella blogged out

talk to her, it will help

and if it is a fantasy of yours and she seems open to it, talk about it!

you are probably imagining this other guy as some sort of stud who managed to not only score this fantasy but did so with your now-gf. Probably best to imagine him saying something like "could you both suck my balls?" and him not being able to enjoy the threesome bc he hears that echoing in his head. Sorry if you're actually the balls echo guy.

― LIKE If you are against racism (omar little), Wednesday, November 19, 2014 4:27 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

OTM - imagine this 'random guy' as http://i.imgur.com/0WjXjRq.jpg instead

yeah no need to get pre-emptively Prufrockian about it

Or maybe you are http://i.imgur.com/0WjXjRq.jpg? That's tough shit, man

lol

Well, while I sort of wonder why she mentioned it to you (unless you were having one of those conversations where you tell each other about your experiences, or you specifically asked her if it had ever happened), I agree that the insecurity here is on you, and that you can't hold her sexual past against her. But there's also no use in feeling guilty about feeling insecure, that's just a double-whammy of insecurity. I think it's natural for someone in your position to feel some insecurity about this. Honestly, I think everyone probably feels at least some insecurity about their partner's sexual past. You can't help but wonder at some point -- were they better than me? More exciting? Does she think about them? And there's just some primal, possessive instinct in there too, no matter how "enlightened" we think we are. I hate the kind of rhetoric that makes you feel like you're some kind of illiberal cretin for having any jealous feelings.

And with you, the feelings are especially strong because you didn't have "random hookups" as you say, so I can see how it would play on you from multiple angles: guessing you're afraid that the 'random guy' must have had some kind of sexual dynamism that you lack, since she was willing to "randomly" hook up with him but, you are presuming, wouldn't have done so with you, since you're not the kind of guy that could score "random" hookups. Of course, you don't actually know that any of this is true -- random hookups can very much just be a matter of circumstances. Maybe the girl was her good friend and the girl pressured her into it. Or maybe the guy was even kind of hot. Hot enough that she "randomly" hooked up with him. Once. A long time ago. So is that guy really a threat? She's with you.

iirc you propose a threesome with her and your comic book artist best friend? and then you all stop talking to each other forever. gl

no offence threesh & I try not to indulge in the kind of condescending tough love these advice threads invite but your whole deal here is incredibly immature as I'm sure you're well aware

if I'm understanding your (well, honestly) aside I'd suggest that sort of thinking is indicative of the problem

you crazy kids should invite hurting to be your third

would it be different if it were a freewheeling twosome

As much as reflecting insecurity, I imagine the pain is coming from hearing about this and not having had the opportunity himself. It may not be insecurity about the present as much as hurt from wanting this and not having had it, and hearing about it from the present monogamous sexual partner. If there were some safe way to get the experience, the hurt and resentment and especially the preoccupation could go away.

3some angst = humblebrag/champagne probs

I've also come to think tendency toward "random hookups" is more about temperament than attractiveness. Maybe it's just not your personality! Again, your gf is with you, there must be some reason for that.

also it sounds like she and her friend just felt curious/like experimenting?

sounds like you're projecting your own fantasies onto this dude maybe it'll help to realize that other dudes j/o to your gf like 12 times a day

xp

try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into
try to arrange one with her and someone else (which she said she might possibly be into

champagne probs for realz

bustamove.gif

B O maybe the question is do you think it's better to have a fantasy that consumes you or is it better to live the fantasy and deflate it and to never dream for ever

Maybe ur also imagining that *the kind of guy* who could have a threesome with your girlfriend AND another woman must have had the virility of two men and you're afraid that if you try it you won't measure up. And that's silly. Which is not to say you should try a threesome, but that's not a good reason not to.

did someone say threesome

I mean, if your gal talked about a mango she ate and you lived in a place with no mangos and you were in the past preoccupied with the potential taste of mango, you might get preoccupied and hurt by your gal's mango story.

but yea eazy otm, this is definitely about your own history. i was pretty much a shy dude throughout high school and college and even though i had some adventures and various partners i've never really been someone who succeeded (or even tried that much) w/ random hookups. i also have been in the same monogamous relationship since i was 21. there was a lot of work i had to do to figure out shit about my sexuality and sexual history and how it played out in other areas of my life, and whether i had regrets about that or not, and whether there is anything i can do about it now to own it. you got to own that shit and own your feelings about it. depression from a partner's past revelation can hurt but really you can use it to teach/inspire yourself about changing how you relate to your sexuality.

but if your gal said "hey, i'd be down to get some mangos, with some boundaries - they have to be safe mangos" then maybe you should take her up on that?