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I feel really touchy and difficult discussing this kind of stuff, because one of the biggest Trans Issues is how difficult it often is for trans and non-binary and questioning people to get others to *believe* them. This kind of "Are you sure it's not... (other psychological issue)?!" is a huge derailing and time-wasting and de-legitimising technique.
I am, however, someone who is both non-binary (and has gone through all the questioning that entailed) but ALSO has had episodes of near-crippling OCD.
Both things involve the experience of 'recurring thoughts and feelings' and it's quite difficult, unless you've had both, to describe the ways in which they are both similar and different.
Trans-ness, or gender dysphoria, or (preferred term?) is a long-term, persistent sense of *mismatch* between one's body, and/or others' sets of expectations about what one's body should *mean*; and one's own sense of self, sense of internal compass reports that one's self and one's body *ought* to be. I don't want to use the phrase "wrongness" because wrong implies a moral judgement. It's just this repeated feeling of "this doesn't fit"; "this doesn't feel right"; "something's not working here". Now this, obviously, involves recurring thoughts, because every time that mismatch becomes apparent or becomes highlighted it's going to generate a twinge. Like every step you take in ill-fitting shoes rubs or pinches somewhere.
It can become *acutely* intense, at times where the mismatch is continually and painfully highlighted. I generally thought I had reached a level of peace with my identity and my dysphoria - until a couple of weeks ago, I had to go and do a 24/7 on-site training course, involving 5 brogrammers and me, and it was just unrelenting. There was the expected fury and strangled exasperation of dealing with 7 days of relentless casual sexism and exclusion. Like, this stuff is unjust for anyone to deal with. I'm used to dealing with sexism and even hostile work environments. But what I was not prepared for, was the *wave* of dysphoria that followed closely on its heels. The sense of "no one deserves sexism because misogyny is unjust" followed by "you assholes have completely misread and misunderstood who *I* am. I'm not uninterested in your toxic masculinity stew of 'cars, sport, the military' because I am 'feminine'; it's because this is not the *kind* of 'masculine' I am." (If the environment had been 'music, real ale, trains' I could have performed *that* kind of masculinity just fine.)
But in this environment, the level of dysphoria reached such a crescendo that it become unavoidable, intrusive, dominating my thoughts, leaving me unable to function. But it was the stress of that environment that pushed it to that level of intrusiveness. Something that was normally traffic noise, suddenly became a jet engine. But it *can* become that intrusive, do you understand what I'm saying? It can become *like* the intensity of OCD, but it's an exaggeration of a thing which has recurred persistently for a long time.
OCD, on the other hand, is like... I've always called them Thoughtworms. "It comes on like a thought, and stays just like a disease." Something intrudes upon your mind, and you believe it's an urgent, important thought, so you just start thinking it. Except it is not an actual thought, it's a recurring, looping computer-virus-like thing, which starts taking over all the other circuits of your brain and just shuts other processes down, so that the only thought you are able to think is the Thoughtworm. It's not an environmental response, like dysphoria feels like a pinch or an ache from an ill-fitting shoe. (Except the shoe is your body, and you can't take it off.) It's a virus that quite quickly takes control of your entire brain. THIS IS THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT WE CAN THINK NOW.
And these thoughtworms are... you know, they are brainweasels. They are worries, fears, the things you care *most* about, your worst impulses, things that feel really really *urgent*. They would not be able to cannibalise your mind with intrusive and obsessive worrying if they weren't things that meant something to you in the first place. Pure OCD is *agony*. It starts with urgency and escalates into panic, and if unchecked, leads to feeling like you are losing your mind.
Does that make more sense, the way that they are both recurring, they can both be *intrusive*, but that the way these feelings recur, and the way that the thoughts intrude are different? I just really hope that that helps you to tease apart what you are experiencing right now, and how to proceed with it. Because it doesn't sound much fun, where you are right now.
If you're working with trans and nonbinary kids, it's entirely possible that you are recognising something of yourself in them, and them in yourself. That's empathy, and that's good. And it's also possible that you do have curiosity and questioning raised by this empathy, which is perfectly natural and normal. OR it could be, because you are so engaged with these kids, and you start to care for and worry about them, that's exactly the kind of anxiety that OCD will latch onto. It could be either. It could also be both! I wish you peace, and clarity and greater self understanding.
― Einstürzende NEU!bauten (Branwell with an N), Wednesday, 6 December 2017 09:06 (six years ago) link
eleven months pass...
four months pass...