Feminist Theory & "Women's Issues" Discussion Thread: All Gender Identities Are Encouraged To Participate

apologies in advance if this is addressed upthread

i don't recall growing up having any conflicts about my gender identity, but for the last several months, i have had recurring bouts of dysphoria where ive fixated on wanting to have a feminine body/be a woman. ive mostly put these notions to the side, but theyve grown in intensity the last couple of days and im starting to think there's *something* and im really struggling with it. like i dont know what to do with these feelings. i dont feel like "a woman trapped in a man's body" per se although ive never really cared for how my body looks at any size (my weight has fluctuated over the last 15 years). i think the fact that im married and have a child is whats making me the most terrified. what if i go down this path and wreck what i have? will my child understand? will my wife? will she still want to be with me? are there any trans/NB folks or anyone else here who can speak to this? i am in my early 30s and i havent so much as given 2nd thought to this until the last few months, is this weird?

Good luck to you, m bison. What you're dealing with isn't weird or wrong. I don't think it's uncommon for trans and NB people to come to an understanding of theirselves gradually or at irregular intervals, or to be aware of dysphoria before they know exactly what it means in terms of their identity.

In my own case: I'm a trans woman in my mid-thirties, and while I was intensely aware of my dysphoria as a teenager, I spent most of my twenties trying not to think about my gender or how alienated I felt by my body, until I kind of realized at thirty that trying to ignore it was becoming unbearable. My partner, who transitioned in her later thirties, had a similar trajectory, and neither of us have ever thought of ourselves as "women trapped in men's bodies": that's a nineteenth-century soundbite formulated to explain male homosexuality that has stuck around mostly because it flatters straight, cisnormative assumptions.

I would just try to be lucid about these feelings and find a space (whether it's the practice of a therapist who works with queer and trans clients, a trans support group, a queer community space that isn't primarily focused on hooking up, or wherever) where you feel safe to work out these feelings and how you want to deal with them. Your concerns are definitely reasonable: a lot of relationships don't survive one partner transitioning, although some do. All you can really do is try to be honest with yourself and your partner and explore your options patiently, whatever you choose to do.

m bison, this is going to appear like it goes against everything I've espoused recently, because I am a big believer in "people's experiences are real; people are who they say they are".

Over the past few years, I've been doing a lot of talking to non-binary and trans people, trying to compare experiences, and a lot of reading on the subject.

One thing that strikes me in common, with most of the non-binary and trans people I've encountered is how deep-seated these feelings are, and how early they first appear, and how long *something* has been going on. It's a sensation that usually occurs first in childhood, or adolescence at the latest, a sensation of being "different" or not-fitting or something being *off*, which may not initially even be recognised as *gender* being the thing that is off. Now, for people like myself, who did 'pop out' in middle-age, it was a question of 'not having a word for it', or 'being told it was impossible' and suppressing and repressing and squishing those feelings down and overcompensating for them. But it's a lifelong thing. Mine was a thing that came up in childhood. It came up in adolescence. My friends used to *joke* about it when I was in my 20s. It was something I did not have a proper *name* for until I was in my 40s, but the thoughts were always there.

Now, forgive me if this sounds disrespectful, or if it sounds like I am invalidating your experiences and feelings - your feelings are real, and powerful. It's worth addressing them and working out what they are, and how to cope with them.

But I want to ask. Do you have, either in yourself, or in your family, any history of OCD or anxiety disorders? Because something that *does* come on suddenly and abruptly (within the 'couple of months' timeframe you describe) is a variant of OCD called Pure-OCD or P-OCD. It comes on *fast*. It tends to take the form of really overpowering and overwhelming intrusive thoughts, which often snowball and accelerate in intensity. These thoughts often take the form of intense doubts about one's identity, one's sexuality, one's orientation (for example a straight woman, who had always been straight and knew she was straight experienced P-OCD episodes where she could not stop having intrusive thoughts of pornographic imagery which developed into an OCD pattern that took the form of obsessive, incessant, unstoppable thoughts of questioning whether she might be a lesbian - even though she had never previously experienced any desire that way). Like many other forms of OCD, it involves an irresistible hook of how *harm* might come, to the self, or more usually, one's loved ones.

It often comes on a little like 'medical students' disease' where, if you are studying something or investigating something, the OCD will latch onto the thing you've been researching. It can also result in response to intense periods of stress which aren't connected to the OCD pattern itself.

It's so hard to tell, because it's an OCD loop that hijacks a real thing, over which it is totally normal to have doubt and uncertainty and self-interrogation over. However, it doesn't ever *resolve* to an answer, a "phew, I'm actually x", it just goes round and round in an unfinished loop of fear and anxiety.

It's entirely possible you may have had thoughts and desires and feelings in childhood that you have forgotten, or more likely repressed? In which case, if you have trusted people who have known you since childhood, it's worth asking "did my behaviour ever make you wonder?" Or if you have old diaries, or even childhood schoolwork type stuff? Something which puts you back in that mindset and reminds you who you were then. Maybe it was there, and you've squished it down. I wouldn't say it's weird, but it i's atypical for this stuff to appear so suddenly, out of nowhere, having never wondered about it pre- or around adolescence.

But if it really wasn't there, and this is a sudden thing that has "come out of nowhere"? Especially if it takes the form of incessant rumination and intrusive thoughts and *worry* about how it will damage people you love? And especially if you have any history of OCD or anxiety disorders. Do some reading on P-OCD, even if just to discount the possibility.

Honestly, I'm not discounting your *feelings*. Your feelings are real, and *need* to be addressed and looked at and dealt with and maybe acted upon. Talk it over with a professional, find out what the options are. Investigate your own history. Conduct it like an experiment of "what would I do, if this were the case" and see if that makes things better, worse, no change.

To add to the above post, it might be worth searching articles about gender confusion OCD or sexual orientation OCD, because even if the fears you're reading about aren't the specific fears you have, you might recognise some of the same patterns and habits. Search a few different terms that might describe what you're afraid of and add "pure OCD".

branwell that is extraordinarily helpful and I am grateful for you taking the time and care to share that. I have had a history of anxiety. and I am a sponsor for an lgbt club at my school and I interact with trans and nb kids every day.

the intrusive and obsessive worrying feels very much in line with what I've been experiencing the last couple of days which is evident in the panic from my initial post. thank you again.

I feel really touchy and difficult discussing this kind of stuff, because one of the biggest Trans Issues is how difficult it often is for trans and non-binary and questioning people to get others to *believe* them. This kind of "Are you sure it's not... (other psychological issue)?!" is a huge derailing and time-wasting and de-legitimising technique.

I am, however, someone who is both non-binary (and has gone through all the questioning that entailed) but ALSO has had episodes of near-crippling OCD.

Both things involve the experience of 'recurring thoughts and feelings' and it's quite difficult, unless you've had both, to describe the ways in which they are both similar and different.

Trans-ness, or gender dysphoria, or (preferred term?) is a long-term, persistent sense of *mismatch* between one's body, and/or others' sets of expectations about what one's body should *mean*; and one's own sense of self, sense of internal compass reports that one's self and one's body *ought* to be. I don't want to use the phrase "wrongness" because wrong implies a moral judgement. It's just this repeated feeling of "this doesn't fit"; "this doesn't feel right"; "something's not working here". Now this, obviously, involves recurring thoughts, because every time that mismatch becomes apparent or becomes highlighted it's going to generate a twinge. Like every step you take in ill-fitting shoes rubs or pinches somewhere.

It can become *acutely* intense, at times where the mismatch is continually and painfully highlighted. I generally thought I had reached a level of peace with my identity and my dysphoria - until a couple of weeks ago, I had to go and do a 24/7 on-site training course, involving 5 brogrammers and me, and it was just unrelenting. There was the expected fury and strangled exasperation of dealing with 7 days of relentless casual sexism and exclusion. Like, this stuff is unjust for anyone to deal with. I'm used to dealing with sexism and even hostile work environments. But what I was not prepared for, was the *wave* of dysphoria that followed closely on its heels. The sense of "no one deserves sexism because misogyny is unjust" followed by "you assholes have completely misread and misunderstood who *I* am. I'm not uninterested in your toxic masculinity stew of 'cars, sport, the military' because I am 'feminine'; it's because this is not the *kind* of 'masculine' I am." (If the environment had been 'music, real ale, trains' I could have performed *that* kind of masculinity just fine.)

But in this environment, the level of dysphoria reached such a crescendo that it become unavoidable, intrusive, dominating my thoughts, leaving me unable to function. But it was the stress of that environment that pushed it to that level of intrusiveness. Something that was normally traffic noise, suddenly became a jet engine. But it *can* become that intrusive, do you understand what I'm saying? It can become *like* the intensity of OCD, but it's an exaggeration of a thing which has recurred persistently for a long time.

OCD, on the other hand, is like... I've always called them Thoughtworms. "It comes on like a thought, and stays just like a disease." Something intrudes upon your mind, and you believe it's an urgent, important thought, so you just start thinking it. Except it is not an actual thought, it's a recurring, looping computer-virus-like thing, which starts taking over all the other circuits of your brain and just shuts other processes down, so that the only thought you are able to think is the Thoughtworm. It's not an environmental response, like dysphoria feels like a pinch or an ache from an ill-fitting shoe. (Except the shoe is your body, and you can't take it off.) It's a virus that quite quickly takes control of your entire brain. THIS IS THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT WE CAN THINK NOW.

And these thoughtworms are... you know, they are brainweasels. They are worries, fears, the things you care *most* about, your worst impulses, things that feel really really *urgent*. They would not be able to cannibalise your mind with intrusive and obsessive worrying if they weren't things that meant something to you in the first place. Pure OCD is *agony*. It starts with urgency and escalates into panic, and if unchecked, leads to feeling like you are losing your mind.

Does that make more sense, the way that they are both recurring, they can both be *intrusive*, but that the way these feelings recur, and the way that the thoughts intrude are different? I just really hope that that helps you to tease apart what you are experiencing right now, and how to proceed with it. Because it doesn't sound much fun, where you are right now.

If you're working with trans and nonbinary kids, it's entirely possible that you are recognising something of yourself in them, and them in yourself. That's empathy, and that's good. And it's also possible that you do have curiosity and questioning raised by this empathy, which is perfectly natural and normal. OR it could be, because you are so engaged with these kids, and you start to care for and worry about them, that's exactly the kind of anxiety that OCD will latch onto. It could be either. It could also be both! I wish you peace, and clarity and greater self understanding.

Thank you again. And yes, that makes total sense to me.

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2018/11/13/18079458/menstrual-tracking-surveillance-glow-clue-apple-health

I don't really have anything useful to say about this as I'm too full of rage

Woman reported her ex to the police five times in the six months before he murdered her. They fined her for wasting police time.