Artist-specific music jokes

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I also didn't write the Freaky Trigger Christmas U2 joke, but it has a similar gloriously gag-inducing effect to the Viz Sparks one:

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.
"What's the matter The Edge?" he says.

"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."

Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."

"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."

Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."

"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."

So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."

Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."

Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."

"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."

The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.

The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."

Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says

"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."


Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Thursday, 30 September 2004 14:51 (nineteen years ago) link

I think "The Edge you're more beast than man!" was quite a bit funnier than the actual punchline.

The Good Dr. Bill (Andrew Unterberger), Thursday, 30 September 2004 14:55 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What's bloody, monthly, and sings?
A: The New Christy Menstruals

I just remembered that from an old National Lampoon.

Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:02 (nineteen years ago) link

I don;t get the U2 joke :-(

mei (mei), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Reference to Bono's like in "Do They Know It's Christmas": "tonight thank God it's them instead of you".

Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Bono's LINE.

Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 30 September 2004 16:43 (nineteen years ago) link

yeah, personally i think the staging of that joke is the best part. certainly adam's pronunciation of "Jaysus" and other 'colorful' storytelling elements make it classic, in terms of accuracy and set-up.

ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Thursday, 30 September 2004 17:05 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Why is Ray Charles laughing?

A: He just heard that Stevie Wonder is black.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 30 September 2004 17:44 (nineteen years ago) link

I knew I'd forgotten one :

Man : Doc, I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs! It's taking over my life! What can I do?
Doctor : Well, it sounds like you've got a dose of Tom Jones-itis.
Man : Is it serious?
Doctor : It's not unusual.

udu wudu (udu wudu), Friday, 1 October 2004 18:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Apparently, Paul McCartney bought his wife a plane for her last birthday.

And a ladyshave for the other leg.

B'dum Tish.

A friend of mine had this variant back in the day: Paul McCartney went down on one knee this week. Or, as the rest of us know her, ...

Acme (acme), Wednesday, 13 October 2004 13:38 (nineteen years ago) link

eight months pass...
What did 50 Cent's grandmother say to him when he gave her a hand knitted sweater for christmas?

Gee, you knit?

StanM (StanM), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 16:56 (eighteen years ago) link

Why can't Ray Charles read?
Because he's dead.

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:08 (eighteen years ago) link

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Haha, that's great. We need more of this fake U2 dialogue.

I love how Bono actually does refer to The Edge as "The Edge" instead of just "Edge" in conversation, as in, "What are ye doing over there with that guitar, The Edge?"

PB, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:21 (eighteen years ago) link

though i don't agree with this one, here's a classic i've heard a bunch:
how is ginger baker like a cup of coffee?

both suck without cream.

matlewis, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 17:28 (eighteen years ago) link

Eric Clapton and Jerry Garcia are traveling in Africa when they encounter a tribe of cannibals. The elder tells them they each get one final request before being eaten, and then turns to Jerry and asks "What is your final request?"

Jerry smiles serenely and says "Give me a guitar, so I can play 'Truckin'' one last time!"

The elder nods his agreement and then turns to Eric. "And you, what is your request?"

Eric grimaces and says "Kill me before he plays that f#*&ing song!"

Nackles (Nackles), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 18:27 (eighteen years ago) link

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?

Cause there are twenty of them.

Viz (Viz), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 19:00 (eighteen years ago) link

why does michael jackson like debbie harry?

cause there are 60 of her

larvasauce, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 19:03 (eighteen years ago) link

Why does Michael Jackson primary schools?
Because they're full of little children

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 5 July 2005 19:22 (eighteen years ago) link

Thom Yorke is sitting in a bus station looking all depressed. Someone comes up and says, "Hey, aren't you Thom Yorke from Radiohead?"

He looks up to see a beautiful young woman peering down at him. "Yes," he says, "I am Thom from Radiohead. Who might you be?"

Before she can answer, the young woman morphs into 50 Cent, and he starts performing a club-friendly song from his latest collection of commercial rap crossovers.

barfy johnson, Tuesday, 5 July 2005 19:26 (eighteen years ago) link

Sasha: "Fancy going to the cinema tonight?"
Tong: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"

bg (creamolafoam), Wednesday, 6 July 2005 08:13 (eighteen years ago) link

This one was told to me by another ILXor, but it hasn't been posted yet and it's great:

Who are Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Bread

Tech Support Droid (ForestPines), Wednesday, 6 July 2005 10:23 (eighteen years ago) link

"Is the cup half full, or half empty?"
Just buy the bra, Kylie.

aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Wednesday, 6 July 2005 10:30 (eighteen years ago) link

five months pass...
What was Donald Trump's funk band called?

Earth, Wind, and Youre Fired!

GET EQUIPPED WITH BAD JOKE (ex machina), Thursday, 29 December 2005 05:42 (eighteen years ago) link

radiohead? more like GAYDIOHEAD!!!!!

Special Agent Gene Krupa (orion), Thursday, 29 December 2005 05:58 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's hands?
A: Neither has he

-- rentboy (rentboyd...), September 29th, 2004.

That reminds me, I read in some music publication (perhaps even via ILM) that Stevie Wonder likes to do a little party trick where he'll have someone tell him about a particular party guest's outfit and then he'll go over to the person and compliment them on how great it looks on them.

Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Thursday, 29 December 2005 06:58 (eighteen years ago) link

U2? more like EWWWW2

gear (gear), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:48 (eighteen years ago) link

My favorite Michael Jackson joke that hardly gets any play:

Q: What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
A: "Excuse me, but you're in my son."

Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:52 (eighteen years ago) link

This one is an original:

Q: What's the difference between Dashboard Confessional and the Donnas?
A: One is for fat chicks and the other is four fat chicks.

*Ducks*

Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:54 (eighteen years ago) link

Another original:

You hear they made a Jeff Buckly documentary? It's called Finding Nemo.

Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:56 (eighteen years ago) link

I heard Bob Dylan was getting back together.

Bobby Peru (Bobby Peru), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:57 (eighteen years ago) link

One last one:

Q: Why did the music critic write mean spiteful jokes on the internet about famous people he's never met.
A: Because he has crushingly low self-esteem and has to ridicule other people to validate himself and give himself the illusion of control.

Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Thursday, 29 December 2005 07:58 (eighteen years ago) link

@cmj.com

s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 29 December 2005 08:04 (eighteen years ago) link

"clever"

Whiney G. Weingarten (whineyg), Thursday, 29 December 2005 08:05 (eighteen years ago) link

eight months pass...
Q: What do you call Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis?

A: Endless Love

musically (musically), Monday, 11 September 2006 20:52 (seventeen years ago) link

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say to the qualified job applicant?
A: You're totally hired!

For some reason when I imagine "you're totally hired" in a Mark E. Smith voice, it comes out in the voice of Snake from the Simpsons.

nabisco (nabisco), Monday, 11 September 2006 21:06 (seventeen years ago) link

Q: You guys know why Kris Kross used to wear their jeans the wrong way?
A: They've been touring with Michael Jackson.

Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Monday, 11 September 2006 21:18 (seventeen years ago) link

Q: What did the rock band say to the music critic who accused them of being a Doors ripoff?
A: "That's a bassless allegation!"

(I went through a period of a week or so where I thought jokes about the Doors not having a bassist were hilarious. Don't ask.)

bernard snow (sixteen sergeants), Monday, 11 September 2006 21:23 (seventeen years ago) link

Q: What did Stevie Wonder's parents do when he was a bad boy while growing up?
A: They rearranged the furniture in his room

Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Monday, 11 September 2006 21:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Geir that is pretty obviously just a Helen Keller joke with the name changed. D-

bernard snow (sixteen sergeants), Monday, 11 September 2006 22:58 (seventeen years ago) link

They're not putting up Xmas decorations in Vietnam this year.... they're hanging Glitter.

everything (everything), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 03:44 (seventeen years ago) link

KANSAS GUITARISTS QUIT, JOIN TOTO (AP)
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA - Claiming to be tired of playing "slick, faceless corporate rock", Kansas guitarists Steve Walsh and Kerry Livgren have apparently left that band and joined Toto. By way of greeting his and Walsh's new bandmates, Livgren announced, "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore!"

Monty Von Byonga (Monty Von Byonga), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 08:19 (seventeen years ago) link

H'ray!

mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 08:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Answerphone message at the Beatles fan club:
"For info on John press 1, for Paul press 2, for George press 3, and for Ringo press the star key."

avery keen-gardner (avery keen-gardner), Tuesday, 12 September 2006 10:51 (seventeen years ago) link

three weeks pass...
Heard about the new Beatles album?
They've gone all Drum 'n Bass.

musically (musically), Saturday, 7 October 2006 18:10 (seventeen years ago) link

One that I recall from the schoolyard back in the days:
"Hvorfor kan ikke jeg hoste når Morten Harket?"
Worst. Only posted it to make this thread super-cosmopolitan.

Øystein (Øystein), Saturday, 7 October 2006 18:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Q. What does caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both come on small crackers.

monocle (Sean Miguel), Saturday, 7 October 2006 18:56 (seventeen years ago) link

There's a joke upthread which reminds me of:

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?

A: Linda McCartney.

chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Sunday, 8 October 2006 00:41 (seventeen years ago) link

Neil Hamburger has some good ones:

What major top selling pop group masturbates together just before going on stage, ejaculating at precisely the same moment on a towel supplied by their management?

'NSync

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers cross the road?

They were running away from the rehab clinic.

Why do the Red Hot Chilli Peppers wear socks on their cocks?

Because they've lost all bladder control.

Matt Olken (Moodles), Sunday, 8 October 2006 01:28 (seventeen years ago) link

one year passes...

q. what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

a. dr. dre

musically, Thursday, 24 July 2008 17:46 (fifteen years ago) link

lulz

Joseph McCombs, Thursday, 24 July 2008 17:52 (fifteen years ago) link


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