bill simmons IS bill simmons IN the book of BASKETBALL

34 minute read, huh?

rip footbal

God this "which Goodfellas character is each NFL team?" podcast with Mike Lombardi is so lame. He's done this shit 1000 times already.

But it is Friday and I need something to listen to at work, so fuck it.

And then there was Billy Thousand Times, who got that nickname because he does everything 1000 times

lol

a lump of the purest simmons

loser leaves town loser leaves town loser leaves town

lmao @ bill asking gucci mane "you recognize this?" re pearl jam

thats one of the most horrifying things ive ever read

i want bill simmons to do an entire podcast where he just says rappers names

*bill simmons voice* kodak black... lil uzi vert... lil yachty... 21 savage... tyga... fredo santana... etc

lmao

incredible

i can hear it, hes talking fast

ok hes lost his damn mind

https://theringer.com/nba-sliding-doors-demarcus-cousins-boston-celtics-good-boogie-967f2f1b26e4#.w4n9qjahy
https://theringer.com/nba-sliding-doors-demarcus-cousins-boston-celtics-bad-boogie-8eb5898f2821#.o4jrj85wi

seriously wtf

i couldnt make it halfway through either of those

i think it's given me a moment of clarity though that boogie will never be on the celtics

i think they will get him and itll go one of two ways...

the ringer naming a bit after some rando movie no one remembers is a lil too on the nose

so not reading that

whoa that is the worst fanfic i've ever read

i used to think '2008 nfl re-draft' was the worst kind of sports idea but no longer

Celtics coach Brad Stevens never expected Cousins to settle on Beacon Hill, an iconic Boston neighborhood known for its brick sidewalks, winding hills, and vast array of stores and restaurants. Both Stevens and boss Danny Ainge believed that Cousins was better served living near the team’s new practice facility in Allston-Brighton. But Cousins didn’t want to play for Boston; he wanted to breathe it. One day after what’s been affectionately nicknamed The Heist (we’ll get to that), Cousins spent two hours wandering through Back Bay, through Boston Common and down Charles Street before heading up to Cambridge. When he glanced left and noticed Shriners Hospitals for Children, that’s when Cousins knew. Beacon Hill. It had to be.

worst boston wish fulfillment fantasy since boondock saints

that paragraph can't possibly be real

*snorts a line of the finest powdered wahlberg*

boogie strolling around beacon hill w/a baguette under his arm is the most insane image anyone has ever conjured

A longtime Raiders fan, he respectfully shunned the Patriots but won points locally by frequenting Fenway Park, one of many reasons he clicked with Bostonians right away. “They’re like me,” he offers. “They care, they really care. They actually care too much. They can be a little hot-headed about it. That’s like me. We just understand each other.”

simmons is fascinatingly bad at voice or capturing the way a human might speak

Every Celtics home game feels especially Boogie-centric. You can’t walk 5 feet without seeing a Cousins jersey. During the introduction of the starting lineups, every Celtics starter gets cheered until the announcer belts, “And from the University of Kentu- …” as the remaining words get drowned out. Every Cousins trip to the foul line, and there have been a slew of them, triggers serenades of either “Boo-gee! Boo-gee!” or “M-V-P! M-V-P!” And Gino’s goofy victory dance from the KG era died of natural causes, getting supplanted on the video screen by KC and the Sunshine Band singing “Boogie Shoes” (and, of course, Boogie’s head superimposed on KC). Celtics play-by-play legend Mike Gorman says simply, “Only Larry. That’s the only other guy who had … this.”

https://giant.gfycat.com/HarshInnocentFrenchbulldog.gif

http://deadspin.com/inspiring-man-who-single-handedly-brought-down-roger-g-1791962914

On the perception that, between HBO canceling his show and Medium abandoning his business model, his post-ESPN ventures have not had a great year:

I mean, people love to construct narrative.

heh

have to admire his dedication to the trade concepts lifestyle

On inventing the concept of “blogging” in 2016:

And what we’ve realized is, there’s like a three-hour window after something happened when you have to have a piece up.

Let’s say Paul George gets traded to the Celtics. At Grantland, maybe we wait until the next day to write about that. Here, we have to write within three hours, because there’s a three-hour window where I’m like, “Paul George got traded to the Celtics and I want to read everything about it.”

how long before the ringer is just a podcast network

Snapchat doesn’t give a fuck.

snapchat is like so trill

Did Bill Simmons run over Deadspin's dog or something? They really seem to have an ax to grind with him.

yeah it's pretty sad

Not that I like the Ringer at all.

The Ringer remains a joke
https://theringer.com/lebron-is-the-eastern-conferences-savior-8ab5602aed43#.oz34l9wlf

San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs, as relevant in 2013 as when LeBron was drafted, were hoping to bolster their dynasty by taking title no. 5, with more potentially on the way. After winning in ’99, ’03, ’05, and ’07, they were looking to make an unprecedented second run at a sequence of championships thanks to both the longevity of Duncan and the surging star that is Kawhi Leonard. Six years after their last title, this looked like the beginning of a second dynasty.
But instead, they were the victim of a motivated LeBron and one of the greatest shots of all time. They came back to beat the Heat soundly in 2014, but the damage was already done. The Spurs would win their final title of the Duncan era without ever going back-to-back.

ok then

a spurs team so damaged that they came all the way back next year to beat the heat 4-1 and send LeBron back to Cleveland.

the simmons-av club school for all its obsession with narrative really doesnt understand how it works, like youre not supposed to tell people youre doing it, the writing workshop is not the point of writing

is bill simmons the terminus of postmodernism lol

https://twitter.com/BillSimmons/status/844235006100692992

I can't tell if he's joking or not. If he is, swing and a miss. If he isn't, then ffs dm that shit or better yet, get over it pettypants.

Jonah even credits him at the end of the article, lol

even if this weren't so petty and absurd -- 'i invented ranking players, so no one else can do that, even in different sports, forever' -- bill simmons is not going to win a twitter popularity contest with jonah keri