I used to want satisfying sex, now I just want 300 followers on Instagram: ILX gayz autumn sunrise 2015

Had a very interesting/heated/illuminating discussion with bf last night where we both admitted to each other that we were finding ourselves sexually frustrated in the 13th year of our relationship. The frustration is essentially irreconcilable, he doesn't like to bottom for me any more, and I don't like being topped by him (he is small in stature). Additionally, I've always been the instigator, and I'm starting to feel incredibly neglected by his lack of enthusiasm.

Considering we've both had highly fulfilling sexual experiences with other people this past year, and realized that we relate to people sexually very differently-- he likes casual sex, I like serious intimacy-- it's a bit of a strange position to be in. Our lives are so intertwined! We love each other! But the basis of any relationship, especially with people as young as us (me 36, him 39) (both handsome) I don't really know what to do!

For him, I guess, it's easy, if we were to "open up" the relationship, he could pursue fun casual things and I'd feel absolutely happy about that. But my desire for serious intimacy leaves me feeling strange. Can I pursue a serious, loving, focused, wonderful relationship with somebody else if we're still coupled? I don't know :/

If I were offering somebody else in my position advice, I'd simply say "break up! what's the big deal?" but he definitely, definitely doesn't want to break up. And it does feel like a strange thing to break up over. In the meantime, so many straight people our age are leaving their wives and families, throwing away their 10-20 year histories for "new flesh", it's ugly to behold but it seems to like, make us feel fortunate enough that we can discuss this stuff instead of having some secret affair tear us apart.

Sorry, forgot to finish a sentence: "The basis of any relationship, especially with people as young as us, I believe it needs to have sexual chemistry or it will fail."

fgti, are these fulfilling sexual relationships also examples of serious intimacy?

Well, it was the poly thing I've been talking about for the past year. For my bf it was casual and fun and he had a great time! So much so that he got up to some other stuff without a discussion first (whoops!) and caused us a three week breakup in September, that we resolved OK.

For me it was really intense and insane and me and dude were screwing for hours and hallucinating and crying and walking arm in arm down the street afterward, and it is somewhat "still on" between us, and though we're trying to be cool about it out of respect for our primary relationships, we can't really be in a room together without sweating and pining

For a few personal reasons (or maybe just taste?) I've never had a taste for casual sex, and am equal parts awed and disgusted by people who enjoy it... me I tend to crush on friends I've known for 5+ years. I don't know what to do!

me I tend to crush on friends I've known for 5+ years.

It takes me long to smell their pheronomes tbh

*takes me this long

me I tend to crush on friends I've known for 5+ years. I don't know what to do!

THIS!

THIS THIS THIS!

drop trou or git over em

Yeahhhhh I mean

Just for example, a dude (40) I've known for 13 years or so and is ~adorable~ is prob my biggest crush right now. We hooked up once drunkenly a few years ago and it was amazing. I try and discuss with my bf the possibility of asking him out on a date. Bf thinks it's creepy that I'd be making designs on my friends like this! He prefers for things to happen accidentally. I don't know how to even have this discussion properly, that if I respect his preference toward hooking up with a stranger now and again, mightn't he respect the fact that I'd prefer to get a date pass?

There's got to be a rulebook for this somewhere right lol

Also, any of you guys gonna be in MTL around New Year's? Big party at my place, I'm making fragrant crispy duck and other Vietnamese taste objects

that sounds like a fair trade to me. xp

other Vietnamese taste objects

may I have their measurements?

just going to post this here because i've been thinking about what i value in my relationship

“The idea of having one love in your life was not an aspiration for us,” Hal said, when I ask him what it was like to be the primary love object of a queer theorist who wrote so prolifically about the complexities of desire and relationships. Later, Hal referenced D. W. Winnicott’s concept of the “holding environment,” in which the mother creates a safe space for the child that allows the child to then look out into the world, to think about something else beyond the mother’s care. Eve used this idea in her work. Hal offered it as a way of thinking about what they both did for one another.

“Yesterday when you asked me about love,” he wrote the next day, in an e-mail, “I talked a little about Winnicott’s ‘holding environment’ and my notion of a mutuality in which Eve and I provided that for each other. But there’s more to love than that. Here’s another aspect of it that was essential to Eve and to me.” He then quoted from “A Dialogue on Love.”

Oh, right, I keep forgetting, for lots and lots of people in the world, the notion of “falling in love” has (of all things) sexual connotations. No, that’s not what I think is happening. For me, what falling in love means is different. It’s a matter of suddenly, globally, “knowing” that another person represents your only access to some vitally
transmissible truth
or radiantly heightened
mode of perception,
and that if you lose the thread of this intimacy, both your soul and your whole world might subsist forever in some desert-like state of ontological impoverishment.

http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/between-us-a-queer-theorists-devoted-husband-and-enduring-legacy

omg yes

Crying rn! Thank you mattresslessness

oh and i was about to post, sorry for weepie lol

I was trying to figure a way to make the trip, fgti, but it's not looking great...

Because no gay man has ever loved me, let me change the flow. Any rec'd gay book lists for the year? Alfred, have you read The Gay revolution?

I'm slowly plugging away at A Little Life like the NPR-listening soccer mom I am.

I checked The Gay Revolution out of the library on Tuesday morning; I'm starting it as soon as I finish quasi-gay Muriel Spark's The Mandelbaum Gate.

The fight+argument=fargument continues. On my end it's just like "holy shit, if your boyfriend is saying 'initiate more sex with me' isn't the solution as easy as tackling him and getting to work?" Why does it have to turn into a discussion. I don't know what to do. Asking for intimacy is like a lose-lose game, like begging someone to love you. I'm just counting the minutes til I see my other lover again, and worrying about what I'll do when that relationship inevitably concludes.

Dealing with other human beings is often a pain in the ass. I hope this works out for you.

Reeling again tbh and I'm not sure if I'll ever snap out of this cycle.

I'm too intimidated to bring it to the depression thread tho.

will a martini help -- very dry?

I'd like to think so.

g'luck fellas

Someone at work reminds me that I generally have a thing for Jewish guys with prominent noses, but have slept with very few.

have you slept w/the Jewish guys?

no, just the noses

i'm living in the wrong city

Be glad you're not saying "world" yet.

what's going on

currently an unemployed deadbeat squeezing every last cent out of a severance package. kind of loving it though.

gay as ever…

heyyyy lou!

loulou! <3

*cues Rock n Roll Animal version of "Sweet Jane"*

for xmas my bub got me a gengoroh tagame tank!! <3 <3

http://i.imgur.com/EVoRWzJ.jpg

looks very hot. hi.

hi surm!!

hi!! xoxx

is that lou up there? lou, i've been meaning to find you

so somebody give me the lowdown on fall. three sentences would be sufficient but feel free to expound if you like.

fall?

yes didn't it just end? i wasn't around for it so i was just curious if there were a general tone around these parts.

how's it going ramz?!

no job + warm enough to wear shorts in December = my favorite fall in a while

good!! that sounds very nice :) just been thinking about you is all. would be great if we can chat sometime

i've been listening to Erotica lately, it's very fun to get ready to

fall fell
yes, i enjoyed all the manlegs from our extinction-ready mildness
worst Christmas drama ever, do fall esp looks good now

lovin' the stray gray in the beard, C!

start winter thread

best post thx

My momma made me learn this song: a gay Winter for 2015