God bless the goddamn Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

http://www.theonion.com/article/obama-follows-white-stallion-moonlit-rose-garden-51554

The best thing about the "No Way To Prevent This" article is that they seem to be re-posting it nearly verbatim, with just the locations changed, when a new mass shooting happens.

http://www.theonion.com/article/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-36131

http://www.theonion.com/article/no-way-prevent-says-only-nation-where-regularly-ha-51443

Published on my birthday: http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/shit-i-was-supposed-have-learned-something-having--51778

Onion-esque sites not run by the Onion are usually terrible, but I sometimes find The Hard Times to be pretty good:
http://thehardtimes.net/2015/11/19/west-oakland-punks-hold-vegan-bake-sale-end-gentrification/

"Am i missing how a bake sale help ends gentrification?"

The Hard Times has some great ones. A recent one I'm partial to is Punk Dad Prefers Son's Earlier Stuff.

http://thehardtimes.net/2015/11/23/mans-tattoo-a-constant-reminder-of-time-of-time-he-stabbed-panther-in-face/

i'm still non-onion onions but the hard times has definitely made me laugh

http://thehardtimes.net/2015/05/06/mid-twenties-hardcore-fan-enters-liking-hockey-phase/

Oh man that punk dad one - I saw the pic and thought "that's not Eugene!" as I was right near the spot where that was taken in Spokane yesterday (with my son, whose earlier, colic-influence work I definitely do not prefer):

http://i0.wp.com/thehardtimes.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/poppy.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/YIbnDja.jpg

Colic is the noise of children.

if we're allowed to do hard times articles, this one started out slow but had a few great moments halfway in:

http://thehardtimes.net/2015/11/20/mixed-bill-show-creates-opportunity-new-people-meet-share-ideas-fist-fight/

ska jokes may be a low form of humor, but they work

yeah i think it's gonna take a LOT of ska jokes for me not to find ska jokes funny

They need to pick it up

lol

http://www.theonion.com/article/frustrated-gunman-cant-believe-how-far-he-has-driv-51923

http://www.theonion.com/article/reince-priebus-forced-back-into-ancient-puzzle-box-29803

The fuck ... ?

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/20/business/media/univision-buying-large-stake-in-the-onion.html

I hope the Onion homepage has a keypad and "PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH" on it for a week

https://twitter.com/the_intercept/status/699700005628674053 hmmmmmm

well it is pretty weak

Feels like there have been a bit too many of these kind of things lately:

http://www.theonion.com/graphic/top-advantages-ditching-cable-52372

I get that they have to make money and it feels weird to complain about the journalistic objectivity of the onion, but still

dying: http://www.theonion.com/article/noam-chomsky-announces-las-vegas-residency-52508

ok i lol'd @ “I’m so excited—I’ve been into Chomsky since college,” said 49-year-old Boise, ID social worker Karen Wenning

Wow:

Drone Places Fresh Kill On Steps Of White House

i guess Hil's big donor hasn't trussed em up yet

http://www.theonion.com/article/clinton-throws-flash-grenade-divert-attention-ques-52499

http://www.theonion.com/graphic/i-would-die-2-know-52896

like rupert murdoch, the onion's scott dikkers is calling it for captain combover ~ seriously

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/confidential/onion-founder-thinks-trump-faked-lawyer-article-1.2644422?utm_source=fark&utm_medium=website&utm_content=link

I really like The Hard Times:

http://thehardtimes.net/2016/05/26/crust-punk-squatting-in-white-house-for-15-years-now-legally-president/

lol

are there several levels of satirical remove here or are the onion really just letting angry nerds go on goofy rants

http://www.starwipe.com/article/fuck-3151

It may be a 'sex house'-style thing? Or not.

http://www.starwipe.com/article/seriously-what-are-we-even-doing-3137

those were helpfully informative stories.

Hits too close to home:
Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around

They even got me on the tabs, jesus

I'm getting RSI just by looking at that elbow position

The genius of the onion has always been the ability to spot a cliche before you did

they're really going to miss joe biden, three nibs in one day!

http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-chokes-while-describing-hardworking-american-53364

http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-regales-dnc-story-80s-girl-band-vixen-breaki-53366

http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-busted-dnc-parking-lot-selling-bootleg-im-he-53360

if you've never done so, i highly recommend reading every article in the onion's joe biden tag.

I will miss Diamond Joe

me too, i fucking love all those pieces.

http://www.theonion.com/article/onions-full-coverage-joe-bidens-2016-dnc-speech-53368

yeah i just toured through a few, they're so frikkin funny

http://www.theonion.com/article/37-year-old-makes-absolutely-heartbreaking-last-di-53535

me

Lol yes

ha so many of my students like 21 pilots and play it in my room at club meetings and im like *waiting for an opportunity to play beyonce again*

http://www.theonion.com/article/case-mr-kerry-give-me-case-demands-malaysian-ambas-53916

pretty sure whoever does the photoshop work at the onion has the most fun job in america

this kind of dark pathos is my favorite onion layer:
http://www.theonion.com/graphic/kid-with-rough-home-life-gives-mickey-extra-long-h-34788

I still laugh the hardest at mundane shit like this (which they seem to be doing less of these days, what with Trump and all):

http://www.theonion.com/graphic/dogs-eye-gunk-wiped-back-dog-55523

that's amazing