itt blogs instruct you how to be a man

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1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. Because his spouse is right there with him. Who gets shoes without trying them on? Really? And he knows which brands run big or small. Because he used to work in a shoe shop, I guess.

Mark G, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:15 (eight years ago) link

"the market" => barf

rip van wanko, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:20 (eight years ago) link

tell me what's gauche, guy who calls a grocery store "the market" then tells me to wear Kenneth Cole shoes

rip van wanko, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:35 (eight years ago) link

was gonna say kenneth cole so f'n basic

call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:35 (eight years ago) link

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:17 (eight years ago) link

serving honeydew melon, uniform shape notwithstanding, is the not-knowing-your-spouse's-exact-shoe-specifications of the modern era. everyone but the most gauche of simpletons should know this

all my friends are vampires (art), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:21 (eight years ago) link

modern man's a baller putting melons on the boards

too young for seapunk (Moodles), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:23 (eight years ago) link

i want the author to explain this article. he seems to be an amalgamation of 3 or 4 different (modern, apparently) men with wildly different personalities

1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:24 (eight years ago) link

WHO ARE YOU, BRIAN LOMBARDI?!?!

http://static01.nyt.com/images/2015/10/02/fashion/02MODERNMAN/02MODERNMAN-master180.jpg

1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:25 (eight years ago) link

of DeKalb, Illinois, home base of the modern man

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:25 (eight years ago) link

is that a single tear or a bead of sweat?

call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:27 (eight years ago) link

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Note that the modern man does NOT have a shoehorn; he has just thought seriously about buying one. The modern man procrastinates like a motherfucker.

I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link

xp - tattoo

the modern man has a past u know?

all my friends are vampires (art), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link

without a shoehorn he's going to ruin those kenneth coles

call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link

28. the modern man collects beads of sweat in a jar and then flicks them at poorly behaving children in the street, one at a time.
29. the modern man pays his mother a surprise visit every once in a while to take her out to dinner.
30. the modern man is a psychotic ball of rage turned inside out during waking hours, but contemplative and curious during sleep.
31. the modern man completes his taxes early.

1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:31 (eight years ago) link

this guy is clearly a) sending up this genre, b) speaking sorta mordantly, sorta proudly about his sorta unmanly married w/kids life, but also c) unlikeable

goole, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:31 (eight years ago) link

32. WAAHHHHAAAAAAHWHOOOAAAAAAAAAA
33. thoughtful advice
34. wwwhoooaoaaaaa

1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:31 (eight years ago) link

i do complete my taxes early...

Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:19 (eight years ago) link

the modern man takes his trash out Wednesday night for Thursday morning pick up

rap is dad (it's a boy!), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:32 (eight years ago) link

the modern man is boring as fuck

Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:32 (eight years ago) link

but is modern man just a man?

F♯ A♯ (∞), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:14 (eight years ago) link

Q are we not modern

jimmy falloff (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:18 (eight years ago) link

I can't believe the Peter Pan page is still live.

I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:32 (eight years ago) link

Thing is, "chopper" is not even the right "wrong" word to use for a helicopter. Professionally, I am sometimes in contact with real military manly-men, who call them "helos." Ultimate manliness comes from knowing the specific type, of course - Blackhawk, Apache, Huey.

Calling a helo a chopper reveals you to be a wussy-ass pansy-boy who got his information about war and the military from watching MASH. Calling it a helicopter reveals you to be a prissy-ass nerd who gets his information from a dictionary.

I fail by all measures, as I can claim neither military manliness nor this weird funhouse-mirror NYT version of modern post-hipster menschiness.

(Although I do make sure everybody's electronic devices are charging before I go to bed. Guilty! If I don't, there will be a cranky 4-year-old up in my grill at 5 AM whining that he can't watch Bob the Builder or play Clumsy Ninja; then it becomes incumbent on me to be just as entertaining as the Internet. Which I am not.)

forbidden fruitarian (Ye Mad Puffin), Friday, 2 October 2015 15:19 (eight years ago) link

uh I learned about it from films and obviously in my life I often have occasion to yell GET TO THE CHOPPER

μpright mammal (mh), Friday, 2 October 2015 15:27 (eight years ago) link

the one about pinned tweets, wtf. i have about 10 pinned tweets, does that make me a cave man?

jill's got heroin (rip van wanko), Wednesday, 7 October 2015 17:14 (eight years ago) link

six months pass...

http://i.imgur.com/40vyQGi.jpg

, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 12:21 (eight years ago) link

but shaving ruins the disguise

niels, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:04 (eight years ago) link

what if i can change a tire but prefer to have aaa do it for me? half a beard? goatee? standing in front of the mirror rn, razor in hand, looking for answers

art, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:16 (eight years ago) link

i like how 3 of the 4 went with a unmanly beardo, but the fourth is just a guy eating a fish straight out of the river

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:21 (eight years ago) link

You don't fall a tree, you fell a tree.

Man-lingo fail.

bodhran run run run (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:53 (eight years ago) link

"your a chick in disguise"

i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:54 (eight years ago) link

can we just agree that every expression of modern masculinity is terrible and we should all be thrown into the ocean

i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:55 (eight years ago) link

Are there memes that are like, "If you look like this but don't know how to sew a dress or bake a casserole, SCRAPE THE MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE & QUIT SHAVING YOUR LEGS, YOU PHONY"

hardcore dilettante, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:55 (eight years ago) link

not many, but that's because of the scourge of political correctness that is destroying this nation

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:58 (eight years ago) link

If you eat raw fish straight from the river but can't change a tire, SHAVE

jmm, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:01 (eight years ago) link

do they mean actually removing a tire from the rim, or just putting the spare on the car? pretty sure they mean the latter, which is changing the whole wheel and isn't that hard

psssssh

μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:05 (eight years ago) link

you need a specialized machine to actually change the tire

jason waterfalls (gbx), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:06 (eight years ago) link

maybe YOU do

actually it's really a complete pain in the ass if you don't have one of those

μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:07 (eight years ago) link

the last time I had to help someone put on their spare I left the e-brake on like an idiot (had it on when jacking up the car since I was a little paranoid) and another dude came by and guessed that within a minute, how embarassing

μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:10 (eight years ago) link

Does changing bike tires count? I have a beard but it would be pointless for me to learn how to change tires to a car, since I don't even have a driver's license.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:12 (eight years ago) link

if you pass a woman on the roadway with a flat tire, it is your man duty to help her

μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:13 (eight years ago) link

by mansplaining the correct technique for changing a tire, while stroking your luxuriant beard

Neil S, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:15 (eight years ago) link

i learned how to change a tired not through any innate sense of masculinity but by being stranded and reading the car manual. it's pretty simple! you do get dirty though.

ryan, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:15 (eight years ago) link

ive never had a flat tire tbh

marcos, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:16 (eight years ago) link

feel like the real test of masculinity should be higher level plumbing or carpentry.

ryan, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:16 (eight years ago) link

i learned how to change a tire by watching the christmas story every year

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:17 (eight years ago) link


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