itt blogs instruct you how to be a man

what happens if your buddy dies while giving you a limp handshake during a threesome?

just put some porn on to make it less awkward for the 3 of you

well, 2 of you, at that point

does the playboy logo even mean anything to anyone in 2015

Ready to feel old? Millennials think this is some kind of app icon!

lol

what happens if your buddy dies while giving you a limp handshake during a threesome?

― too young for seapunk (Moodles), Thursday, 3 September 2015 16:12 (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You get to keep the console.

You have to delete his saved games though

i more or less never use urinals
i will, under duress, piss in an alley or on a tree so i'm basically a hypocrite

(please observe the one tree buffer rule)

what the fuck even is this

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html

i almost posted that earlier, but i stopped because i couldn't even figure out what the fuck it even was

i couldn't tell if he was trying to mock the idea of modern man or if he believed in it or if he was trying to be silly or what

the modern man will totally waste his time on this shit

the modern man shrugs

nytimes trying to reach for that borowitz factor

well this one seems right

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

the nytimes style section editors seem to have no oversight from other editorial areas, though

they're the same ones who ran the "will the apple watch give you cancer? maybe, but so do cigarettes and they are cool" article that cited Mercola

Being a modern man sounds exhausting.

pretty sure that's a joke but who fuckin knows anymore

The modern man is like a super butler mixed with, I don't know, an asshole or something.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

Busted!

tbf, i should start doing that

amended:

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. Because his spouse is right there with him. Who gets shoes without trying them on? Really? And he knows which brands run big or small. Because he used to work in a shoe shop, I guess.

"the market" => barf

http://i.imgur.com/eXy0yjy.jpg

tell me what's gauche, guy who calls a grocery store "the market" then tells me to wear Kenneth Cole shoes

was gonna say kenneth cole so f'n basic

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

serving honeydew melon, uniform shape notwithstanding, is the not-knowing-your-spouse's-exact-shoe-specifications of the modern era. everyone but the most gauche of simpletons should know this

modern man's a baller putting melons on the boards

i want the author to explain this article. he seems to be an amalgamation of 3 or 4 different (modern, apparently) men with wildly different personalities

WHO ARE YOU, BRIAN LOMBARDI?!?!

http://static01.nyt.com/images/2015/10/02/fashion/02MODERNMAN/02MODERNMAN-master180.jpg

of DeKalb, Illinois, home base of the modern man

is that a single tear or a bead of sweat?

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Note that the modern man does NOT have a shoehorn; he has just thought seriously about buying one. The modern man procrastinates like a motherfucker.

xp - tattoo

the modern man has a past u know?

without a shoehorn he's going to ruin those kenneth coles

https://31.media.tumblr.com/e2ff51bc06bd2d568ef4f96ea5fa77f9/tumblr_ncow7kOlOE1smr45to1_500.gif

WAIT FOR SOME RUCKUS, DAMMIT

28. the modern man collects beads of sweat in a jar and then flicks them at poorly behaving children in the street, one at a time.
29. the modern man pays his mother a surprise visit every once in a while to take her out to dinner.
30. the modern man is a psychotic ball of rage turned inside out during waking hours, but contemplative and curious during sleep.
31. the modern man completes his taxes early.

this guy is clearly a) sending up this genre, b) speaking sorta mordantly, sorta proudly about his sorta unmanly married w/kids life, but also c) unlikeable

32. WAAHHHHAAAAAAHWHOOOAAAAAAAAAA
33. thoughtful advice
34. wwwhoooaoaaaaa

i do complete my taxes early...

the modern man takes his trash out Wednesday night for Thursday morning pick up

the modern man is boring as fuck

but is modern man just a man?

Q are we not modern

http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/Imagezz/pixyVelvetGlitter3_500h.jpg

I can't believe the Peter Pan page is still live.

Thing is, "chopper" is not even the right "wrong" word to use for a helicopter. Professionally, I am sometimes in contact with real military manly-men, who call them "helos." Ultimate manliness comes from knowing the specific type, of course - Blackhawk, Apache, Huey.

Calling a helo a chopper reveals you to be a wussy-ass pansy-boy who got his information about war and the military from watching MASH. Calling it a helicopter reveals you to be a prissy-ass nerd who gets his information from a dictionary.

I fail by all measures, as I can claim neither military manliness nor this weird funhouse-mirror NYT version of modern post-hipster menschiness.

(Although I do make sure everybody's electronic devices are charging before I go to bed. Guilty! If I don't, there will be a cranky 4-year-old up in my grill at 5 AM whining that he can't watch Bob the Builder or play Clumsy Ninja; then it becomes incumbent on me to be just as entertaining as the Internet. Which I am not.)