What one piece of advice would you give your twenty year old self?

:(

god, i've thought about this one a lot. i have these little conversations in my head with 20-year-old me. i don't know what to say to them. some middle-aged transsexual shows up at their doorstep and says "hi, i'm you from the future"? i'm 30-year-old me's worst nightmare, but 20-year-old me... i just got kicked out of school because my oldest brother made death threats from my internet account. i got no idea what the hell is going on with my gender. what the hell do i say to them? "so ok you're a girl, but nobody is going to believe you if you tell them that. hell, _you_ probably don't believe that, nevermind that i'm standing here in front of you right now." and then what? what are they supposed to do? move across the country to portland or seattle, make money doing sex work, live on the streets? find a place to get bootleg estrogen, because god knows nobody would prescribe it _legally_? live my best twink life until i can transition? stay in the midwest but just start wearing dresses and let people treat me like shit? my mom _probably_ wouldn't kick me out of the house if i started wearing dresses. _probably_.

i guess other shit i'd say would be, like. you're weird, but you're not ugly. your hair is really pretty, you should let it grow out. don't bother with a beard. don't bother with benzos, they'll fuck you up. wearing dresses will help you more than taking benzos will, even if you can only do it in private. makeup is hard and don't worry about it if you're bad at it. you might also wanna try taking ADHD meds, it'll help you concentrate. you definitely have ADHD. also autism. sex won't actually fix any of your problems, you don't like it, don't bother with it. don't bother with drugs, either. i know you're hoping they'll give you some great epiphany about your life, well, here i am, i've just given you it, you're a girl. only drug that's gonna do you any good is estrogen. well and the antidepressants and mood stabilizers and shit as well.

i don't know if that's good advice or bad advice. i don't know what my 20 year old self would make of me. i think they'd find me super scary but also super cool. is what i think.