OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

the really hilarious thing for me is that "the central point of meaning in the room" in a nightclub is the bar

Perhaps our attention spans are such now that we constantly need a focal point. It could be tied to our worrying inability to 'do nothing', without inevitably flicking our phones open.

this is p forced as society-is-in-the-guttering goes, seeing as people have been imploring the sentiment of this article since before mobile phones were at all ubiquitous

that said this doesn't seem especially awful to me

So crazy that people will pay to see a famous DJ and then want to watch them perform.

Let's have a boogie

sounds like a character talking in a '95-era Blur song.

Sounds like a budget Status Quo best of

‘Shoegaze,’ was an industry in-joke. One that made Swervedriver’s career trajectory rather atypical. Cut by the hardy brambles of their peers, the belated Creation Records outlanders had to combat against the bias monopolisation of the early 90s UK music press. Performing in the shadows of Oxford’s recently reformed Ride, the band were vehemently paralleled to their era’s contemporaries. Yet their international success was prompt and brash. Their commerciality appealed instantly to the US; soused in the waves of Seattle grunge and scouting for the next Andy Bell. Yet Swervedriver were opposed to the niche they had been advertised as. Swervedriver were never the doyens of shoegaze but the British answer to America’s swell of alternative rock.

http://crackmagazine.net/article/music/swervedriver-scala/

here he is!

http://static1.squarespace.com/static/52fc36d4e4b012d3648f10d5/t/53082d4de4b035db717077aa/1393044814075/137638-andy-bell-joe-was-not-prepared-for-x-factor-experience.jpg

What language was that Swervedriver piece originally written in?

Christ, this bloke could be some kind of genius

Swans end with Bring The Sun/Black Hole Man. The sound is immeasurable. You end up feeling different, like you’ve completed a dianetics conditioning session. There’s a sense of relief but also one that yearns to be back inside Swans’ cocoon. Every time you get the opportunity to see Swans, it’s like they pour salt in to your mind’s eye. Gira’s group are the controllers of chaos and still one of the only bands where the manic euphoria they inflict is truly authentic.

Technology has aided in shivving the rigid red tape of convention lassoed around live performances. This is all the more generative for electronic music. If the sounds that fall upon our ears are altogether alien, it is technology’s job to help us visualise in the mind’s eye what we hear. And as the synthesis of synth and sight propel themselves into the future, so too do the performances.

There are very few metal bands that permit themselves to shed the trite doldrums of despair. Weedeater’s image is dictated by the doom they wield, the beer they consume and the weed they smoke. Their gruesome attitude is without guise. Their mannerisms are wholly believable and consequently relatable. This is what makes their show so deafeningly gratifying. Tonight also showcases new material aiding in crystallising Weedeater’s imminent future releases. This group’s burgeoning bong riffing seems to have no intention of expiring.

'vehemently paralleled to their era’s contemporaries'

grrr, you are so similar to other similar bands!

"the belated Creation Records outlanders had to combat against the bias monopolisation"

That's some Google Translate magic

it's kind of like a rockhacksmithery version of those FB macros about how the brain can still read words even when the letters are all jumbled. everything he's written makes sense but all the word choices are super odd

why do so many people want to be music writers?

deep desire to be loved, receive free links to 128k advance mp3s

to get girls

are right about everything, need people to know this

connect to albums by bands as if they are g.i. joe figures, want to play with them forever

nv & matt otm

Free Swervedriver tix

Weedeater man those dudes are some scary fuckin rednecks they look like they'd knife you I think dude was drinking cough syrup onstage

The guy who wrote the Swervedriver review is a mine of pure gold.

On Swans: "Beneath faded spotlights, Thor Harris gently strokes a gong. His beating causes an almost erosive ambience. Minutes and minutes and minutes go by. The climate is still. Members of the group trickle in one at a time. Michael Gira arrives last. He reapplies fabric to his elbow as a cushion against the body of his guitar. The volume grows and voices are lost in the ramshackle."

He's versatile, too – he can be bad an all genres. Here is on JME: "Yet while JME preaches over the fruits of veganism and the toils of A&R depravity, there is a storming vocal aggression that uppercuts the purls of his production. Behind the computer console accreditations, the Nazir Mazhar citations and internet meme quotes is an unquenched ferocity fuelled by the desire to be self-sufficient in an unforgiving social climate."

And interviewing Dylan Carlson: “I joke I only had one good idea in my lifetime and have decided to run with it.” He laughs earnestly, winter winds bayonetting at his lungs as he relieves the catarrh from his throat. Carlson is currently travelling with his bandmates Adrienne Davies and Dom McGreevy to the north of England, a place he treasures for its folklore and sardonic humour. There’s this giddy movement to his delivery. “Obviously I’m as happy as pig in shit to be back in the UK,” he cracks another chesty cackle.

his use of language really is unique, isn't it?

Not totally unique; there's a jazz critic, Derek Taylor, who's almost as bad. It's thesaurus addiction - write a clear sentence, then pull the book out and pick the most obscure possible replacement for each word.

it's not just replacing words, though, the structure is nutso too

I don't know how you end up writing like that if English is your first language (or even second tbh). It's not bad like most of the writing on the thread is bad. It's truly bizarre.

"he cracks another chesty cackle" -- are we sure he's not just randomly quoting Finnegans Wake?

OH fuck

I think I met this guy's roommate at a Weyes Blood gig on Tuesday, he had to use my phone to access Facebook and his contact was called Tom Watson. I asked whether the MP or the golfer. It transpired to be someone yet greater

I mean, now that there's an orotund London critic game, it's time to convect those stakes upon a rising thermal blast of soliloquy

Tom Watson ‏@onetongue Jan 8
Twelve dead journalists amounts to a populace of thought and satire destroyed. Their pens are the mightiest weapons forged. Very sad.

Skepta’s emotional strong-arming gives off an intensely thick-skinned impression.

This virtual revelation from Skepta caused a potent reaction last year when That’s Not Me came at loggerheads with commercial audiences, heralding a so-called return to form for grime.

If Jane Austen wrote about grime

That must be the first use of the word "catarrh" since 1940.

http://www.mediafire.com/view/scu1gnym05a8xc9/1930019_509053615505_5042_n.jpg

Beneath faded spotlights, Thor Harris gently strokes a dong. His beating causes an almost erosive ambience. Minutes and minutes and minutes go by. The climate is still.

"he cracks another chesty cackle"

totally my stripper name...

I interviewed Dylan Carlson last year and he didn't sound at all phlegmy to me.

It was a revolution of the solar cycle ago when Dylan Carlson and this writer exchanged passionate thrusts of verbosity. No rheumy eruptions could be detected from where I resided, like all hominid creation, in a prison of flesh.

Think he's nailed Fucked Up here. Nothing else need be written about them.

Despite his premature death clock ticking, Abraham and his band of matured Lost Boys are forever scrutinising their ageing subculture. Unlike 2011’s flagrantly ceremonious rock-opera David Comes to Life, their newly released Glass Boys is a disciplined ten-track study of combating age and the music industry. It’s a record of genuine purity, stripped of its predecessor’s conceptual guises. “This record is like all of us giving the best version of what we’ve ever done,” Abraham raves doubtlessly.

Flagrantly ceremonious!
Premature death clock ticking!
Matured lost boys!
Genuine purity!

They read like bad Titus Andronicus lyrics.

shades of eye of argon

"Abraham raves doubtlessly"

I'm glad the AI that wrote the fake newspaper articles in Sim City 2000 is still around and has moved on to music criticism, really missed that guy

in fact, thank you stranger for my new display name

Dammit, you beat me to it

Monday morning treat for the real headz:

http://thequietus.com/users/7759

http://thequietus.com/articles/10111-quicksand-slip-reissue-review

Hardcore’s Youth Crews were suffering from a spot of biological decline and required something slightly decelerated to get angry to. Amongst punk’s wilting complacency and Seattle’s slow-broiling illegitimacy, missing links began to occur. Bands had too many influences and not enough coherent fluidity between them.

"It was 1993 - one year before Kurt Cobain swallowed a mouthful of Remington."

The new Jim Thompson is born.

a mouthful of remington? http://files1.coloribus.com/files/adsarchive/part_27/279655/shaver-remington-shaver-w-doug-flutie-and-victor-kiam-1989-600-13296.jpg

I changed my coherent fluidity this morning.