My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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oh, I thought you meant as opposed to Matos in real life. ; )

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

Re. Chronicles of George: George bears an astonishing resemblance to my semiliterate tech support coworker. Astonishing.

― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

Matos should secretly be dead, and Chris should turn out to actually be a girl

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

(you are all mentalists and I am very afraid)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

this thread has basically become a "copy and paste posts which make you laugh aloud" thread. more, please.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:22 (twenty-one years ago) link

"You lie like a kite" enters the ILXicon now.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

Matos is the new Margaret Cho. Replace crazy chinese mother with crazy ex-stepfather and there you go. Except for that part about you being a huge gay icon, but I wouldn't know.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't know, he's pretty fabulous.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:39 (twenty-one years ago) link

crazy chinese mother

korean

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

I can just see the promo for the Matos Show. Him running through the streets chased by his gay fans, he rounds a corner and while his fans try to catch up he sees a drag queen and changes clothes with her. And the fans run by drag-Matos without a glance, after which matos looks in the camera and holds up a roll of Matos, the swishmaker.

I should really get back to work, sorry.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

Oh right on Jody. I think I was thinking of my mother.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

16. One day Chris and James went fishing; I tagged along. "Bring a can of corn," James advised Chris, "it makes good bait." (This wasn't full-on fishing, btw--we'd be lucky if we caught a sunfish.) So we drive an hour out to the spot, get out the tackle boxes and rods, and I say, "Hey, did you bring the corn?" (I was intrigued because I was eight years old and had never heard of using corn for fish bait.) "Yep," he said--and whipped out a can of creamed corn. It turned out not to be a big deal, though, since he forgot to bring a can opener.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

17. Fourth of July, 1984. We decide to drive out to the woods and have a picnic. So we make sandwiches, get chips, and fill a cooler with ice, soda, beer, and Klondike Bars, and begin the journey. The trip took an hour.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

18. One day, driving us to our great-aunt's house, Chris took a wrong turn onto a one-way street. He averted there oncoming cars and narrowly avoided a collision with a parked one before finally making it down the block and turning the correct way. There was about a minute of silence, while my mother and I could finally breathe again (my brother, who was less than a year old, was also in the car).

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

I love these stories!

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:39 (twenty-one years ago) link

Anthony Worrel Thompson is married to the daughter of the guy who owns the shop next to my house. Interesting celebrity gossip is what I am full of.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:44 (twenty-one years ago) link

http://pages.ripco.net/~dymaxia/freeper.jpeg

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:51 (twenty-one years ago) link

i wish i knew someone with the second name moran

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

Very minor photoshopping could address it to Rick Moranis. I still think it's Jesse Ventura holding the sign.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

i really do know someone with the first name moran, tho that doesn't help much.

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

This thread makes me want to scoop up the eight year old Matos and give him hugs and ice cream.

(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:49 (twenty-one years ago) link

no time travel interceptions on matos' behalf please, facetime with chris clearly shaped him into the matos we know and love today (he knows this to be true)

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

i suddenly have such a better understanding of all my neighbors

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

jesus christ, matos!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

(although if their kids can turn out 1/2 as okay as matos did, we're all gonna be alright)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

(nb: obv this isn't likely)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

not living near you it ain't

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:12 (twenty-one years ago) link

my dad was no bright spot either, mind

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:13 (twenty-one years ago) link

I love my dad

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

you're lucky! i think that's pretty rare, at least amongst peoples i know

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

do these people like sports?

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

varies

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

it's the glue to male bonding

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

i like my dad lots and his love of sport is even less than mine = zero in both cases

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

the math is wonky but the fact is true

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

there are alternate glues

shared geekiness=glue to male bonding

sports most common, but 'culture' does as well

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

I read some of the earlier entries today to my coworkers on our drive down to San Diego and they were almost crying with laughter. I fear what the rest of these entries will do to them. ;-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

The Fuddrucker story is still my favorite one.

― Eve, Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

me too, although I'm partial to Fuddrucker stories in general (are there any Fuddrucker's left?)

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yes! At least in this corner of the Midwest.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

There were a couple in San Diego in the eighties, probably gone now...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

there was one in Athens - I took a date their in ninth grade, she didn't like cheese, the date didn't go well - but it closed long ago. every other business that's opened up in that building hasn't lasted more than a year, year and a half either so it's not specific to Fuddruckers.

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:47 (twenty-one years ago) link

Jesus damn, Matos. You have scared me away from pot FOREVER.

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:49 (twenty-one years ago) link

The cool kids at my high school would go to Myrtle Beach for vacation and come back with Big Johnsons and Fuddruckers T-shirts. I was jealous.

I love my dad too. He doesn't like sports (other than Duke basketball, ugh), but he loves music as much as me. It's all we can talk about, unless he's drunk (then he suddenly "loves" me and whatnot).

― Yanc3y (ystrickler), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

We're so gonna have a Fuddruckers FAP in Wayne or Paramus.

― rosemary (rosemary), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

The cool kids at my high school would go to Myrtle Beach for vacation and come back with Big Johnsons

(chortle)

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yeah, defnitely, Matos you should come.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think this is the funniest thread I've ever seen. What's Chris doing with himself now?

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 02:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Chris answers. "I can't make my face turn into a heart."

dude needs to try harder:

http://www.rdwarf.com/~mnoel/face25.4.4.02.jpg

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 03:11 (twenty-one years ago) link

(you guys are all great; thanks)

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 04:44 (twenty-one years ago) link

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