OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

I realize Clap Your Hands Say Yeah only sold a few tens of thousands of records, but every single person who bought one of those records went on to work in the tech industry.

Excellent

Surely there are more important things to worry about in a world rife with war, natural disasters and noise pollution compliments of Avril Lavigne

This zing makes me think he's been working on this article for about ten years now, revising and revising, killing his darlings

It took my tired mind a while to decipher what "noise pollution compliments of Avril Lavigne" was even supposed to mean.

sadly no: http://www.noiseporn.com/2014/04/avril-lavignes-hello-kitty-horrifying-racist/

So, when I heard “Hello Kitty,” the latest noise pollution spewed from Avril Lavigne, I was offended. I flew off the handle. I yelled “No!” I screamed “Stop!” but the radio kept playing the song. It was terrible…I tried to get away, but it was already inside my brain. It was the musical equivalent of waterboarding, and I’m pretty sure it violates article III of the Geneva Convention. I realize my opinion is subjective, but I’ve heard better sounds coming from dive bar restrooms (stay away from the chili con queso). I would compare this song to the dingleberries plastered on the ass of a mangy dog I saw wandering the street last night, but that would be an insult to dingleberries. I think I’ve made my point.

yeah I just mean his grammar made it hard for me to compute. Like I thought someone was paying compliments to her.

Good to see him rise above Avril Lavigne by invoking language I used w my friends while goofing off in 7th grade.

Self-satisfied "I think I've made my point" a nice touch.

I think he needed a third poop-related comparison to really nail the point

In the Minds of Evil, the 11th long-player from venerable Tampa, Florida-based death metal prognosticators Deicide, invokes the bluesy, blistering, and robust cacophony of early albums like Legion (1992) and Once Upon the Cross (1995).

so many things wrong with this sentence.

starting with Tampa, Florida

like 'death metal prognosticators'? Do they foretell the future of death metal a la Nostradamus?

noted blues metal band Deicide

Well I'm a lunatic of God's creation - and my baby she done gone
Well I'm a lunatic of God's creation - and my baby she done gone
But when she meets that caco-daemon, that woman gonna find herself dead by dawn

ok lol

loooool

http://elitedaily.com/music/how-one-generation-was-able-to-kill-the-music-industry/593411/

"What brands understand is that music is an important part of Millennials’ identity. It’s more than entertainment for us. The music we listen to can be as important as how we dress and influences who our friends are."

Well done millennials, you invented music as an expression of identity. For the previous 50 years it was just entertainment but you fixed that. A pity you can't label the axes on a graph so that it makes any fucking sense.

but cliff richards had 6.31 qed

"the small corner of social media that I’m forced to inhabit as a rock critic"

I can't work out that graph at all.
Coldplay's 80 million records in 15 years = 0.14 somethings
Cliff's 250 million records in a couple of centuries = 6.31 somethings

don't read elite daily.

http://www.theawl.com/2013/07/rich-kids-of-the-internet-inside-the-astounding-troll-hole-that-is-elite-daily

Oh

Ugh

"because the headlines and content are a combination of Thought Catalog's realness and The Huffington Post's breadth."

lol i am barfing and laughing all at once

kinda lol mostly vom

"California has a very direct and unforgiving steam beer called Anchor. But in Hollywood nobody drinks Anchor, because they prefer fresh peach Bellinis.

Since arriving here three days ago, every part-time actor I’ve met drinking these Bellinis, alone in the Chateau Marmont, says this feeling of dreamy detachment I’m experiencing is a spell well known to marinate your mind’s eye after a few days on the West Coast. I suppose you could call it ‘Californication’."

"Lana might feel like she stares down a barrel of inevitable adversity, but her new album carries no sign of apprehension. ‘Born To Die’, and its eight-track ‘Paradise’ extension, was a luxurious and impressive record, a real fresh peach Bellini, enriched in ’50s and ’60s Americana, with the grandiose string sections, the beehive hairdo, and the fallen angel narrative. But it was clearly a record that had been through the tinkering mills. Shaken, stirred and thoroughly mixed."

"Like Lana, Marilyn Monroe wasn’t one without her detractors. “Success makes so many people hate you,” she once said, “I wish it wasn’t that way.” Similarly, some still see Del Rey’s femme fatale aura as a commercial angle aimed purely to incite lust and sell, sell and sell again. “Forget about singing,” begins a recent live review in The Chicago Tribune, “Lana Del Rey could’ve passed for a swimsuit model posing for paparazzi cameras on Friday at a sold-out Aragon”, epitomising how, to many, her enchantment will always be superficial.

But for more avid fans, her allure is artistically cavernous. Just like Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, Truman Capote’s Holly Golightly, Charles Vidor’s Gilda, or even the original Carmen, yes, there is a surface of seduction – but beyond that image, there is deep play in action. Lana personifies a struggle between stability and freedom; she conveys expressions of escapism, a scramble for courage in the face of fatalism, a subconscious need to confess, a desire for power. This is no swimsuit competition."

I am a big fan of metaphors but those first two excerpts feel to me like the author spent all of the time s/he was supposed to spend listening to Lana Del Rey drinking Bellinis

although ultimately I approve because drinking > LDR

can male writers please reread Lolita before referencing it in their horndog work

also DJP OTM

maura are you getting paid by google to make people google? cuz sharing hilariously bad writing sans link just benefits google.

http://www.clashmusic.com/features/american-dreamer-lana-del-rey-interviewed

i hope somebody at the site will get a laugh from someone having searched "lana del rey bellinis"

I’ll admit, while observing this backlash with disdain, there was a small and shameful slither of excitement and curiosity within me, which relished the fracas.

I don't get why someone would Google "bellinis" unless you're like "Oh, it's summer, I need cocktail ideas for my Bobby Flay bbq."

this reminds me of one of my favorite ILX stories:

people who've been on TV whom you've pwned

hmmm...how do i share these quotes about recording...got a good one about the east village, some stuff about meeting dan auerbach there. hmm...lead with dan...then flash back to the east village...yes...but how do we segue...

Before Dan, there was December.

no...punchier...

Before Dan, there was December (New York, 2013, cold).

*pumps fist against chest, raises two fingers to mouth, kisses them, plants the fingers on a framed picture of joan didion*

see why the hell would you do this to a bellini

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/---dfQC8ILZ8/T9-o9piu1OI/AAAAAAAAAIY/5kGg04GTgMI/s400/1929.jpg

a bellini is a perfectly serviceable drink but it will always make me think first and foremost of paul bellini from the kids in the hall.

lol me too

Those quotes kind of sounds like the writer just watched the movie Somewhere instead of actually going anywhere.

lmao dan that story rules

also now i am just picturing the word 'bellini' being said repeatedly to the beat of 'good kisser'

i actually heard of paul bellini before i heard of a bellini

p sure that post is where i first heard of a bellini

some of us liked bellinis

I went through a very short Bellini phase around 1998 when I got bored of brunchtime mimosas for a few months

heard of the post-Don Caballero band Bellini after Paul Bellini but before the drink Bellini.

Bellini was a good band.

bellinis >>>>> mimosas

A bellini sounds like a fucking cod-Italian slang word for the glans. As in "suck my bellini".