― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:26 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:27 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:28 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:32 (twenty years ago) link
Brittany looked him in the eye and said, "I'd like to see you try it."
Alex ran into the next room, crying "Mom! He really does say those stupid things!"
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:36 (twenty years ago) link
"You know, you're getting to the age where you're starting to like girls." [Uh-oh. Are we there yet?] "And pretty soon, you're going to start dating. And, well, you gotta be careful. Because you never know what'll happen. I mean, who knows? You might meet a woman, and start going out, and fall in love, and have kids, and get married, and get separated, and get divorced, and end up paying fucking CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:50 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:53 (twenty years ago) link
― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:53 (twenty years ago) link
― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:54 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:57 (twenty years ago) link
The next day, he and Mike, this guy who lived down the hall and regularly beat his wife and stepson, went out to the apartment parking lot to wash the car, this time sans soap. I said, "Can I help you guys?"
"No," said Chris. "That's all right. Washing a car is a man's job!" And he and Mike high-fived.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 05:59 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:01 (twenty years ago) link
Keep em coming, this is really cool, in a disturbing sort of fashion.
― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:06 (twenty years ago) link
Chris stormed out of the bedroom, where he spent most of his time surrounded by pot smoke. He had recently gotten the Fuddruckers job, and to celebrate had gone to the grocery store and bought some lunch foods that he kept in a separate compartment of the refrigerator and cupboards. I had then been treated to a guided tour, during which Chris pointed out which foods I was allowed to touch and which I was to leave alone. (He didn't actually buy us food--mom fed me, herself, and my brother Jake, then a baby and now deceased, on food stamps, while he kept his job money to himself.)
Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"
James and Bob took one look at each other and ran into the kitchen as fast as humanly possible, prepared themselves a dozen sandwiches, packed them in plastic bags and said, "Thanks, Lorie!" Chris grumbled "fuck you!" and stormed out of the house.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:10 (twenty years ago) link
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/
― ron (ron), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:24 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:40 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:43 (twenty years ago) link
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:47 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 06:53 (twenty years ago) link
My parents got divorced the summer after my senior year of high school....which means it was close to eight years ago. Dad and Mom separated long before then, of course, and Dad went to live with a woman he'd been counseling who had an apartment in her basement.
Before this had all fallen out, my sister and I had babysat the woman's kids--they knew and trusted us, and we got on well with them. We babysat the kids again at some point after the separation. As the youngest girl led me upstairs to a large double-bed in the attic, I asked "Who sleeps here?" "Mom and Steve," she replied guilelessly.
I kept that secret behind my teeth until well after the divorce was over. I know adultery might not sound like much to you, but my dad was a pastor and I trusted him to know better.
Dad, if you're reading this, you disappointed me so deeply when I heard that.
― Heather (Heather), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 07:17 (twenty years ago) link
Matos, best thread ever, btw.
― Mark C (Mark C), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 09:43 (twenty years ago) link
A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.
― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:44 (twenty years ago) link
He once nailed our woodpile together.
― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty years ago) link
― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 10:46 (twenty years ago) link
― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:08 (twenty years ago) link
― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 11:38 (twenty years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:31 (twenty years ago) link
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 12:33 (twenty years ago) link
(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)
― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:19 (twenty years ago) link
― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:35 (twenty years ago) link
― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 13:47 (twenty years ago) link
This one made me choke!
― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:38 (twenty years ago) link
Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.
"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:52 (twenty years ago) link
(J.Lu, see next entry)
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:54 (twenty years ago) link
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:56 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 16:58 (twenty years ago) link
― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:16 (twenty years ago) link
"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."
His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:24 (twenty years ago) link
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:25 (twenty years ago) link
― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:44 (twenty years ago) link
― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:46 (twenty years ago) link
― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:19 (twenty years ago) link
― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:27 (twenty years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:28 (twenty years ago) link
No no no, a Fox sitcom!
― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:30 (twenty years ago) link
I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.
― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty years ago) link
Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty years ago) link
― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty years ago) link
― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty years ago) link
― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty years ago) link
;_;
― drunk shudder shades chick gets kicked out of mcdonalds totally (â•“abies), Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:37 (fourteen years ago) link
christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.
― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:45 (fourteen years ago) link
kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.
davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm
SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.
THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.
THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.
HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.
davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 amEVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.
ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"
AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY
IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.
UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.
― sciolism, Saturday, 18 July 2009 06:50 (fourteen years ago) link
amazing thread
― Nhex, Saturday, 18 July 2009 07:37 (fourteen years ago) link
maybe it was actually
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded
― Pissed Jenas (DJ Mencap), Saturday, 18 July 2009 09:59 (fourteen years ago) link
"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.
― flash! aaaaaah (get bent), Saturday, 18 July 2009 10:02 (fourteen years ago) link
It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?
― Mark G, Monday, 20 July 2009 09:02 (fourteen years ago) link
I say "you lie like a kite" all the time
― homosexual II, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 02:18 (fourteen years ago) link
I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 11:55 (fourteen years ago) link
in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!
― FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:24 (fourteen years ago) link
In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:27 (fourteen years ago) link
But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.
― kingkongvsgodzilla, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 12:28 (fourteen years ago) link
I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.
― Mark G, Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:30 (fourteen years ago) link
"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"
― Huckabee Jesus lifeline (HI DERE), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 13:58 (fourteen years ago) link
"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.
― Sock Puppet Pizza Delivers To The Forest (Sock Puppet Queso Con Concentrate), Tuesday, 8 December 2009 16:04 (fourteen years ago) link
He can't change his face into a hearat.
― the onimo effect (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 11 December 2009 17:00 (fourteen years ago) link
There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?
― the clones of tldr funkenstein (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, 25 January 2010 21:27 (fourteen years ago) link
I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.
― Mr. Snrub, Saturday, 13 February 2010 18:06 (fourteen years ago) link
i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.
― altered dominant (get bent), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:32 (fourteen years ago) link
I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous
― Mordy, Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
It is exceptionally essential.
― kissogram powers (Abbott), Friday, 23 April 2010 23:59 (fourteen years ago) link
Revive in honor of Father's Day!
― kkvgz, Friday, 18 June 2010 20:34 (thirteen years ago) link
hahaha
― Mexico, camp, horns, Zappa, Mr. Bungle (Matos W.K.), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:25 (thirteen years ago) link
much love, Matos.
― Filmmaker, Author, Radio Host Stephen Baldwin (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Saturday, 19 June 2010 02:34 (thirteen years ago) link
Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Saturday, 29 January 2011 17:54 (thirteen years ago) link
My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.
― Rotating & Blunders (MintIce), Saturday, 29 January 2011 18:32 (thirteen years ago) link
Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.
― HAPPY BDAY TOOTS (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Sunday, 24 February 2013 21:52 (eleven years ago) link
ty, this was special
― my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:25 (eleven years ago) link
all-time
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 24 February 2013 23:26 (eleven years ago) link
For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...
― Mark G, Monday, 25 February 2013 07:47 (eleven years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y
― Milton Parker, Monday, 25 February 2013 19:29 (eleven years ago) link
Just doin' my civic duty.
― HOOS next aka won't get steened again (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 02:10 (ten years ago) link
----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time
So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally
― albvivertine, Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:18 (ten years ago) link
best thread
― freelance helgenberger (get bent), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:19 (ten years ago) link
His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.
― carlos danger zone (mh), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:20 (ten years ago) link
Oh yes of course.
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:29 (ten years ago) link
This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!
― It is like ganging up on Enya (Trayce), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 04:30 (ten years ago) link
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 05:03 (ten years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"
― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (ten years ago) link
still classic
― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (nine years ago) link
"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.
― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (nine years ago) link
"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."
I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?
― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (nine years ago) link
The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.
― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (nine years ago) link
yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.
my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.
anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?
― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (nine years ago) link
i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)
― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (nine years ago) link