The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

i. one-way system at victoria
ii. hyde park corner roundabout
iii. one-way system at piccadilly
iv. one-way system at hackney central
v. lea bridge roundabout

i, iii and iv are all heart-shaped, more or less (well less, really, but not as less as a roundabout is)

(also i + iii + iv = 8 which is the shape of two hearts forever intertwined)

I can never quite think of what to say.

''however, it can be a bit creepy if people are too lecherous on the tube or bus. just smile at someone first, to see if they're even interested in making eye contact.''

I have never seen anyone ask or try to chat up someone on the tube or bus. has anyone?

a friend of mine got picked up in a parking lot. it was her apartment parking lot, and the guy lived there too, and they ran into each other and made small talk a couple of times before he asked her out though. that sort of scenario could be creepy though, especially at night.

500 posts by tomorrow morning on this plz.

I need a specific form of words to convey 'Am I your girlfriend or not' but not those exact words. And I need them not to scare the person off. I'm not planning to use them yet but keep them in abeyance for the right moment.

Why does it matter?

I'm not asking that facetiously, I'm wondering which part of girlfriendness you wish to ascertain your right to - and then ask that question instead.

Like, "Is this exclusive?" or "Is this short-term, or are you thinking longer?" or "Is this just sex, or is this emotional?"

OK, maybe those questions are even worse than "Am I yr girlfriend or not." But perhaps you could think which part of girlfriendness is important to you, and ask yourself if those needs are getting met or not.

take her to see '500 days of summer'. groan loudly when zooey is fending off this question.

Good question Kate. I know it's exclusive at the moment and believe I'd be told if there were any plans to change that/if it suddenly changed. I already know that due to complications (divorce, job problems, general hard time) he's not sure whether he wants an LTR right now or not. But he's also asking me whether I want children, how long I'll stay in the US, etc. - like a very upfront compatibility check.

I know really that the best thing to do if I really like him (which I do) is be patient and not ask anything, but that's hard especially as he's immersed in work and I can't see him till October (deadline). At the moment we're just doing email and occasional phone calls, which have got much shorter since the deadline thing kicked in.

xpost love this idea history mayne!

1. Drop the phrase 'my boyfriend' or 'your girlfriend' offhand into the most casual of conversation with him.
2. Check reaction.
3. PROFIT???

I think he would see straight through this.

I mean, just casually refer to him as your boyfriend, not pretend there's another mysterious boyfriend lurking somewhere.

Hrmmm. I know that I'm a cynical bitch and all, but I can't help thinking... does he really like you as much as you really like him? You can say this "ooh, issues due to divorce" and "job problems" and "general hard time" - but the thing is, there will *always* be job stress and hard times.

OK, people can go through bad periods in their life that clear up. But my suspicions are that if he's not OH YAY making time for you and being excited about the relationship when it's fresh and new, is this only going to get worse, rather than better? If you are really excited about a person, you make the time to meet them, even if it's nonstandard dating practices. If a person's priorities are not about having a relationships right now, then taht person won't make the time for that relationship.

But that goes back to the "are your needs getting met?" question to decide whether you're willing to take that chance or not.

"Do you want children" and "How long are you staying in the country" are just standard box-ticking exercises, not indicative of any specific interest in you. I've made that mistake before. It's like the relationship equivalent of asking what team you support or something. Doesn't mean anything more than that.

give him a note that says "do u want to be my boyfriend?" with YES and NO checkboxes.

MAYBE????

Seriously, there are still people in this world so stunted as to be actively scared if the person they were seeing referred to them as their "boyfriend"?!

Jesusfuck.

Yeah Kate, this is exactly my thinking which is why I'd rather knock it on the head now if I'm much more interested than he is. But then there are those that argue that blokes can be cautious, that if I play it cool things will develop, etc. Basically just trying to give it a chance rather than kill it now, but planning ahead for the awful moment when I think 'right, time to have this conversation' and can't find the right words.

if it all goes tits-up, I'm anticipating it'll be 'right person, wrong time' type conversation though I don't really believe in that...

No such thing as the right person ;-)

Good luck with all that! If he has slight but tacit commitment issues then the best thing to do would be to completely win him over, maybe by arranging a really lovely evening out and then professing your affection in as forceful a manner as your English breeding permits :D

See I think this would scare him off, but seeing as it would be a last resort anyway, why not I guess!

Obviously I mean say something like "You know what, you're a really great guy" while staring into his eyes (but only if you mean it!)

No offense, Louis, but I think, with a committmentophobe (if he is one) that would be the WORST thing you could possibly do.

I don't think ljub is painting him as a commitmentophobe, just a guy with mixed priorities. Hence, a show of genuine affection (in an exclusive affair) would probably work.

'So is this thing a thing?'

I think... with a committmentophobe you kind of have to play games with them to make them realise how awesome *you* are and make them chase you.

But I'm rubbish at that kind of thing as I can't stand game-playing. (And it goes against my natural instincts to be a chaser myself.)

But commitmentophobes really kind of rely on that idea that if they make themselves unavailable, then partners will chase them. Take away that crutch and then they have to grow up and deal. Maybe?

I make a rubbish relationship counseller, really. I've found that the only actual long term things I've had were the ones where there never *had* to be The Conversation. Where it was understood by both that it was a Thing. The need to have The Conversation is kind of a sign of insecurity - either lack of confidence in the relationship or lack of confidence in ones own self.

But this probably isn't very good advice, I've no idea.

oh I would mean it (re looking-into-eyes). I am torn between Kate's old skool thinking and the honesty-is-best-policy option - but not until all other options are exhausted. Yeah, not a commitmentophobe, mixed priorities is the thing, but maybe still need to make him chase. I'm no good at it though.

Oh NickB, that's actually pretty great. I might use it.

What I'm saying, Louis, is there is NO SUCH THING as a person with mixed priorities. If having a relationship with a person is a priority, an interested person will make the time.

A person who is constantly chasing is never going to be a priority, because you can take them for granted.

1. Drop the phrase 'my boyfriend' or 'your girlfriend' offhand into the most casual of conversation with him.
2. Check reaction.
3. PROFIT???

I would actually say this, but instead of a conversation with him, make it a phone conversation with someone else when you're with him.

"Oh I'm just out shopping with my/the BOYFRIEND SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

Bear in mind, that I have never operated in that old skool way. I have always operated the "honesty is the best policy" kind of "let's talk about it and constantly establish where we are coz I am so insecure" policy. I am now a single woman in my late 30s. Your mileage may vary.

I am seriously going to shut up now.

So have I, with the same result at the same age. This is my maiden attempt at game-playing.

Well, I'm suggesting there ought to be a Moment rather than a Conversation, but it's still fine if there's a Conversation and it is brazened out. Some people prefer to have it laid out like that.

NickB's suggestion is vague and meaningful enough to work on the right level implied by its tone of voice/eye contact, good one

looool Nick11 yeah do everything suggested by a person called Nick basically

I do think it's possible to have mixed time priorities, but once the dude's turmoil has dulled, that is when this Moment/Conversation should happen, and these priorities can be rectified

Really there's not much need for actual game-playing. As far as I can see.

Oh NickB, that's actually pretty great. I might use it.

Well, obviously I take pride in my articulacy in these situations.

Sarahell otm. Of course everything is harder on poorer people, and one still hears the standard advice "well, then don't be poor."

Yeah I couldn't finish that piece either.