I can't cook beans for beans.

wish i could see what you're doing j. as i have no idea where the problem lies.
cooked a buncha red beans yesterday - soaked 4 hours, drained, rinsed, boiled ~ 75 minutes. done. then added some salt.
so red beans and rice, y'all. never made it before but have eaten a version or two. gonna add some vegetarian sausage to the mix; and cayenne, oregano and smoked paprika are the only other ings aside from the obvious

"salt should never be added when soaking" said me ten years ago and i was WRONGO!

Not sure where i read this recently but brining for a day in some salt and baking soda is a bean cooking game-changer. I haven't done this scientifically with a control group or whatever but the jumbo white beans i just cooked in less than a hour took closer to 2 the time before (same batch of Rancho Gordos). Same with black beans last week. Cooked in ~ half the time as the previous time (again, the same batch from RG). Apparently the soda halps break down pectin. Not sure what the salt theory is.

Probably mentioned this elsewhere but Kenji's garbanzo cooking hack gets those done in ~20 minutes! Honest and true

beans are inexpensive too

yeah, but depending on source you're risking beans that are olde and never properly finish cooking ime. i don't mind paying $7 for a pound of RG or other nice beans. ends up being like a buck/ cooked cup or something which is really nothing for something that can be star of a dish

Olde Tyme Beanes