When is it time to let go of a friendship?

we evolve

veg so you're comfortable "moving on" or whatever? i don't seem to be good at that part

to me it's always, let's try again. let's try again. let's try again.

it's only something I learned after a long time of giving people a lot of chances. I'm pretty forgiving generally, and I tend to think the best of people. But I also tended to do that at the expense of my own happiness. Your own dissatisfaction is worthy of attention and focus, because you deserve to NOT feel that way if someone is constantly putting you in that position.

It can easily be confused with being selfish...but being concerned with your own wellbeing is not selfish. It's the one thing in the relationship that you actually have control over.

thanking you for all the text

friendships should work naturally, I don't know what this "try" crap is

you either are chill and work out small understandings and respect the other person or it's not a very good friendship

it's like trying to be into baloney sandwiches. maybe you had them as a kid and got tired, maybe you think they're gross, or maybe you're now a vegetarian. but trying a baloney sandwich every year or so probably is never going to change your opinion.

how much working on something should someone put up with then?

I guess it depends what the reason for drifting off may be. I have friends I see irregularly, but it's effortless and cool to talk to them when I do. I have other friends where I only really see them in certain sets of circumstances because I'm not really into some of the things they're into or we have different attitudes on things. If your differences are what comes out more than your similarities, stop hanging out.

ok ty

It's hard to say how much time to use, but I will say, especially in yr 20s, it becomes more common for people you are extremely close with to splinter from you. It really comes down to, do you value the time you spend with that friend, or does it cause you anguish every time you're in their presence? Are your differences relatively small, or far apart? Have you seen sustained improvement, or do you feel like things temporarily improve only for old habits to resurface again later?

I used to be the type that didn't want to let go of any close friendship, even those that were causing me frustration. Peers of mine were incredulous as to why I kept hanging with people who were putting me through agony, and I never had a good reason. Either I didn't want to face the guilt with telling them I didn't want to be their friend anymore, feared loneliness, etc.

And then, in my late 20s, it just started happening organically. One moved away to another state. Another, we just kind of got mutually disinterested with each other and both gradually stopped communicating. And one friend of mine, who I used to be extremely tight with, and spent most of my weekends hanging out with for 5 years, suddenly quit talking to me. He'd been annoying me with this privileged snobbery for years, I didn't like the way he treated his girlfriends, and things he did drove me insane, but I still hung out with him. One day we went to NYC and I'd had enough and told him off in front of his g/f in a restaurant for being rude to a waiter. After that, we saw each other exactly twice. I don't know that it was the only reason, but it was a dude who I spent hours of time hanging with for 5 years, and suddenly, we were out of each other's lives.

And I guess it was surprising that even though I did miss some of the good times we had, I really didn't miss having a guy that in our later years of hanging out, caused me extreme frustration, in my life anymore. I made new friends that filled his void quickly, who didn't have some of the character issues he did.

I guess it boils down to the, why have you both kept trying to remain friends? Is there any semblance of your old relationship still present, that you're trying to maintain? or does it seem more 'habitual', that you'd rather not let go of something that you've put a lot of effort into?

In any case, I do think when friendships split apart, it often just 'happens', rather than having some 'breakup' moment where you explicitly state "We're done as friends". I think if you get to the point where you're just tired of trying with this friend, you'll know it. I will say it's not a failure on either of your parts if it doesn't work out, because friendships end all of the time, especially as you get older. It sucks, but...tis a part of life.

Best of luck!

thanks for all that, neanderthal. i am not so good at the whole change thing. (see the buddhism thread) but i guess sometimes it's necessary. here though? ugh. we'll see

chance it ends any minute, but it's dragging on and it's not sure that's gonna happen

In any case, I do think when friendships split apart, it often just 'happens', rather than having some 'breakup' moment where you explicitly state "We're done as friends".

otm ime

and after this stage, realisation, w/e, i've had friendships come back in the same creeping way, sometimes years later.

"We're sorry you've had this experience. You blocked [REDACTED], so he/she can no longer:"

well that's that

this one's forever tho

thanks to all who replied to me here or elsewhere about this today.

may all of us remain ilxor pals for a long time

things change naturally, lots if not most of my closest and most common friends or drinking pals from 14 years ago are either living elsewhere, are no longer friends of mine due to drifting social tides, or i hardly see them. they've been replaced. the ones who remain during all those periods are the strong friends you need to hang on to. there's nothing wrong or necessarily even sad about friendships ending (or, less dramatically, fading.) it's happening all the time. mono no aware.

yeah thanks for that al. on the buddhism thread i've pointed out that i need to read more about change, because i fucking suck at dealing with it. i cannot "go with the flow" or whatever. i cannot keep up with the times.

i'm the same way fwiw. it's hard for me to set goals and move forward with stuff sometimes because secretly i just want things to stay the same. but that's not how life goes. things change with or without your consent.

I'm not great at it myself. But I learned in the last couple of years that familiarity doesn't always = good. Letting go of some things can make room in your life for new experiences/people who can add to the world you've built for yourself.

You don't have to throw everything away, and you aren't. You still have a lot of the things that make you you, and the hard, rough parts are made smooth with a little bit of time

I need some more friends, or to come up with a better friend schedule. I want to eat dinner and have a conversation tonight and I'm home alone.

this isn't something i've really encountered (except, notably, with my ex-wife, who was my best friend). like, sometimes ppl drift away because you're in different places/have different interests/kids or whatever, but i've never felt that the line must be drawn *heah*

that said, i am currently struggling with a very longtime friend who is totally good and generous to me personally and fine to be around, but holds some pretty fucked up beliefs, cheats on his wife, etc. i'm not sure how much i can or should compartmentalize that

things change with or without your consent.

otm

Letting go of some things can make room in your life for new experiences/people who can add to the world you've built for yourself.

sometimes perhaps things do have to be "let go." old habits, old whatever. bleh.

mh: feelin the "need some more friends" thing. thank god i have y'all but i'd like some more ppl irl too.

mookie: i guess i have been, many times, someone who's difficult or w/e to be friends w/. oh well. as far as your other point goes, i don't know what i'd do. that's an interesting situation. what other ppl do to other ppl prob doesn't concern me as much as what they do to me, but

I have a couple I've been hanging with a bit this summer but they "activity people" in that they go to nearly every festival event (art, food, music, beer, ethnic) and invite a giant posse of friends each time. I get that it's in the hopes a handful will show up, but.... I really don't like these other people!

I've heard this expression that I've heard to be useful

"When someone withdraws more from your emotional bank account than they deposit, it's time to close the account."

i have trouble agreeing with that

i recently made a new friend but then i had sex with him. oops

hahaha good post

(no sarcasm)

lol surm <3

sorry about this whole mess, markers. can't be pleasant. hope you get some peace of mind!

thank you ffm. things are ok!

and we're talking again

although i just said something semi-controversial, so we'll see

if i really got into what's going on here, then i think this would make more sense, but i don't want to do that

well theres a good friend of mine i dont talk to anymore as there was just too much hassle between him and my girlfriend. hes a guy thats quite uncompromsing and there was definitely a bit of jealousy when my new gf was taking up most of my time (he had recently split up with his long term gf). anyway things came to a head when himself and my gf had a row and he said some nasty things to her. so i pretty much cut my losses with him. which is hard too, i do miss chatting with him but there was no way i could keep on with my relationship with him carping from the sidelines tbh.

good luck, markers.

let go of all friendships

Friendships are a bitch.

I want to end this 'friendship' with this girl because, basically, well, not to sound all superficial and like an insensitive gross jerk, but I just wanted to get in her panties.

I realised one outing too late she only likes me as a 'friend'. That's cool.

So, I start flaking out on her and I'm super brief and vague and tell her stuff like 'sure just give me a call whenever'. I come back from a trip and she hadn't contacted me all week and I thought, 'Yes...finally, get out of my life'. Then last night she says "Happy Halloween! How have you been? :)'.

ARGHHHHHH. Go away. I was playing along because I have already invested enough time and have performed some of my magic on her to just let her go so easily, just in case.

Ya, I'm stringing her along until she gets tired of trying, because I view this relationship as disposable.

I feel it's important for me to clarify that if I consider you my friend, or best friend, I will do just about anything for you. But if I don't, I am a totally different person.

Plus, I sense she is using me for my knowledge of the English language, because she has asked me to help her with her homework.

(And she just sent me a text...)

it is time for her to let go of your friendship

*hugs* we're here for you if you need us

Can someone forward her this thread? Maybe she'll get the hint.

how old is she?

....homework......

24

So yeah, I have nothing helpful to say - only that you're not alone.

― luna (luna.c)