zen assholes

I could probably get into this if it didn't seem so much like a card game of Asshole.

― •--• --- --- •--• (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, February 14, 2009 3:37 AM (15 minutes ago) Bookmark

http://sitb-images.amazon.com/Qffs+v35leo7U2ODTeoGArFBuUDxQIy1lIlzr1A5rBPIkcQD/c5ApoAbWXVrjM6opqSfbNURKtI=

http://i43.tower.com/images/mm107154873/zen-guitar-philip-toshio-sudo-paperback-cover-art.jpg

^ not as good as the previous two referenced

but not bad

HOOS outside the door

As a Zen dude I obv didn't mean to impugn Zen here I just think a lot of these parables are unintentionally funny as shit and probably based on actual anti-social behavior by cloistered motherfuckers.

Ken, had no idea you were a Zebra fan.

isn't the zebra song "who's behind the door"?

crack-a-lackin'

special 4 u

craic a-lacking

I listened up until first drum beat.

b-b-but they make contact with UFOs! on a COMPUTER!

just think a lot of these parables are unintentionally funny as shit

is it unintentional? i've always read humor in them.

xpost:

two of my friends in high school were big zebra fans. (it was sort of a subset of their rush fandom.)

If I want funny leg-breaking, I'll watch a Fassbinder movie.

b-b-but they make contact with UFOs! on a COMPUTER!

btw yall there's a buddhist rap group called shambhala that could be hot as fuck if they got with a real producer

I don't remember if "Shambala" was sung, but there were some great moments, perhaps approaching Zen, here

Ah, I hadn't really known who had sung the first version of "Shambala," but I'll bet at least one of jody or tre will know.

H Ive been reading Zen Guitar the last couple of days. It's all fairly obvious stuff re creativity but its a good read.

zebra assholes

I wonder why passive aggressiveness pisses some people off?

I found a really old zen comic book at my grandmas place. next time I go up there I will have to bring it back and scan it. its like reading a bunch of one panel funnies like Farside.

Modest assholeness here , but the guy was dying.

Gasan was sitting at the bedside of Tekisui three days before his teacher's passing. Tekisui had already chosen him as his successor.

A temple recently had burned and Gasan was busy rebuilding the structure. Tekisui asked him: "What are you going to do when you get the temple rebuilt?"

"When your sickness is over we want you to speak there," said Gasan.

"Suppose I do not live until then?"

"Then we will get someone else," replied Gasan.

"Suppose you cannot find anyone?" continued Tekisui.

Gasan answered loudly: "Don't ask such foolish questions. Just go to sleep."

I heart this thread! I wouldn't so much call it 'Assholeness' though, I prefer 'wit'.

*imagines both persons in these quotes high-fiving and LOL'ing after the quote, saying "this one's for the books LOL" *

BODHIDHARMA sat facing a wall for nine years of meditation. At one
time a Confucian monk came to him for teaching. But Bodhidharma
sat unmoving and unspeaking for seven days and nights, while the
monk pleaded for his attention. Finally the monk could stand no
more, and to show his sincerity, he took a great sword, cut off
his arm, and carried it to Bodhidharma.

He said: "Here is a token of my sincerity. I have been seeking
peace for my soul for many years, and I know that you can show me
how to find it."

Bodhidharma said, "Do not bring me your arm. Bring me your soul,
so I can give it peace as you request.

"But that is the very trouble," said the monk,

"I cannot grasp my soul or find it, much less bring it to you.

"You see," said Bodhidharma, "I have given you peace of soul."

A monk was walking along when he came to a lady who was sitting by the path weeping.

“What’s the matter?” he said.

She said, sobbing, “I have lost my only child.”

He hit her over the head and said, “There, that’ll give you something to cry about.”

If I can find them, I used to have a whole collection of Chassidic masters acting a lot like these zen assholes. I'll post a few if I can find the booklet.

its compelling to contemplate how the intent and meaning of these instructions may have drifted across the cultural divide when apprehended by westerners who are already you know assholes

i don't understand the "peace of soul" one.

After Kakua visited the emperor he disappeared and no one knew what became of him. He was the first Japanese to study Zen in China, but since he showed nothing of it, save one note, he is not remembered for having brought Zen into his country.

Kakua visited China and accepted the true teaching. He did not travel while he was there. Meditating constantly, he lived on a remote part of a mountain. Whenever people found him and asked him to preach he would say a few words and then move to another part of the mountain where he could be found less easily.

The emperor heard about Kakua when he returned to Japan and asked him to preach Zen for his edification and that of his subjects.

Kakua stood before the emperor in silence. He then produced a flute from the folds of his robe, and blew one short note, then left.

Matsuka, one of Tesshu's students, heard rumors that Tesshu was dying. But because Tesshu was only in his early 50s and was always apparently in good health, he did not believe it. Creeping into Tesshu's room late at night, he saw his teacher sitting in meditation and jumped on him. Tesshu quickly pinned him to the ground, and seeing who it was demanded an explanation. The student, however, saw that his teacher was still strong and quickly ran away to tell the other students that there was nothing wrong with Tesshu. The following week Tesshu died of stomach cancer.

Bodhidharma was out on the town one night, parking lot pimping in his boy's Nissan Titan. He tried to holla at some chick who started acting bougie, so Bodhidharma and some other dudes ran a train on her. "You see," said Bodhidharma, "I have given you peace of soul."

Bodhi Day was near, so the Zen master Shinuju went on his yearly pilgrimage to Bodh Gaya. Upon arriving, he found merchants who were selling cattle, sheep, and pigeons in the temple courtyard. He also found money changers sitting there. He made a whip from small ropes and threw everyone with their sheep and cattle out of the temple courtyard. He dumped the money changers' coins and knocked over their tables. He told those who sold pigeons, "Pick up this stuff, and get it out of here! Stop making the Buddha's house a marketplace!" His students remembered that the sutras said, "Devotion for your house will consume me." The Biharis reacted by asking Shinuju, "What miracle can you show us to justify what you're doing?" Shinuju replied, "Tear down this temple, and I'll rebuild it in three days." The Biharis said, "It took forty-six years to build this temple. Do you really think you're going to rebuild it in three days?" But the temple Shinuju spoke about was his own body.

i don't understand the "peace of soul" one.

― forecast from stonehenge (get bent), Saturday, February 14, 2009 5:18 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

Basic framework is that dude is like "waah I want to understand my soul!"

Bodhidharma don't do shit.

Dude does some crazy shit and goes and cuts his arm off. "NOW will you help me? Dammit I can't find my soul!"

Bodhidharma: "Uh, duh? Ain't shit there to find, dogg. Get it?"

Dude gets enlightened.

bump

zen assholes are the new

I can see why Alan Watts moved from Zen to the more gentle 'Watercourse Way' of Taoism during his life...Too much hitting people in Zen.

Dear Louise,

Here is a poem for you:

What is Buddha?
"Three pounds of flax."
"Dry shit on a stick."
I don't understand these words.
The infant is sucking on his toes.

See you soon,
Seung Sahn

if you had the chance to go into outer space, would you take it?

"Well, what do you want?" Sotan's voice had such power that the monk's voice was reduced to a whisper.
"I want to understand the Great Matter please."
"Whose Great Matter?" was the teacher's brusque response.
"Um, mine . . . "
"What? Yours? If it's just you alone, what does it matter?" Sotan responded with a laugh.

love this thread

oh man do i wish i'd found this thread sooner <3

notes:
- zen assholes OTM. "peace of soul" and "somethin' to cry about" are straight-up fire.
- i'd never heard the shock troops thing but the community i grew up in had a reputation as zen boot camp so maybe there's something to it
- it's really easy to overstate the whole hitting thing, but i can see why dudes do
- respect to get bent's boss but bitch-sama domo

Bodhidharma was out on the town one night, parking lot pimping in his boy's Nissan Titan. He tried to holla at some chick who started acting bougie, so Bodhidharma and some other dudes ran a train on her. "You see," said Bodhidharma, "I have given you peace of soul."

― dylannn, Saturday, February 14, 2009 5:39 PM (3 months ago) Bookmark

lololololol

great thread guys

not zen and not asshole per se really but <3 <3

The scene: a Buddhist conference in Berlin. Among the many panels and presentations, some teachers have come to give workshops as well. One such elder is an eminent Tibetan lama; he has been giving instruction on The Praise to the Twenty-One Taras. It is now time for questions and answers.

A young man with furrowed brow requests to speak. He asks in broken English, “Rinpoche, for many years now I have been your student. I am committed to the practice but I have the doubt. I am very willing to do the pujas, the visualizations, the prostrations, but it is very hard to have the whole heart in it, because I have this doubt: Tara, is she really there? Sometime you talk like she is a real person, but sometimes you say she is the wisdom of Buddha Amoghasiddhi, or just a skillful means.

If I could know for sure, I would redouble my efforts. So, Rinpoche, Tara, does she really exist or does she not?!”

For a few moments the lama ponders, then raises his eyes to meet those of his inquirer. A smile spreads across his face.

He responds, “She knows that she is not real.”

I know that tamer versions of this one are more common....

A traveler comes upon a Zen monk burning a statue of Buddha.

"Why are you burning the Buddha?"

"To get to its essence!"

"There is no essence in a statue."

"Well then give me another so I can warm my ass with it!"

anyone read Jed McKenna?

great thread. i think the caricatures of zen masters are hilarious. i always found this one funny:

Seung Sahn would say, "When you eat, just eat. When you read the newspaper, just read the newspaper. Don't do anything other than what you are doing."

One day a student saw him reading the newspaper while he was eating. The student asked if this did not contradict his teaching. Seung Sahn said, "When you eat and read the newspaper, just eat and read the newspaper."

According to The Platform Sutra, Shen Hui asked the Sixth Patriarch: "When you sit in meditation, High Master, do you see or not?"

The Master hit him three times with his stick and asked: "When I hit you, does it hurt or not?"

this guy is my favorite

"fuck you. I have no time for bullshit, gotta get my zen on"

honestly i think the reason i like buddhism is because they have the best jokes

You saying Judaism isn't funny? RELIGIOUS WAR.

<3 seung sahn <3

Hideki Matsui wasn’t the only former Yankee at the Stadium on Tuesday collecting his World Series championship ring. Jerry Hairston Jr., who now plays for the Padres, surprised his old teammates by taking a red-eye flight after his game Monday in San Diego to take part in the ceremony.

When Jorge Posada spotted Hairston in front of the dugout, he shook his head and asked why he was there.

“I flew here,” Hairston said.

“Why?” Posada asked.

I want a band named after this thread stat.

when the monks argued over which wing of the monastery owned the cat, nansen brandished a sword and told them to say a word sufficient to save it. when they could not he chopped the cat in half.

when nansen told joshu of this, joshu took off his shoes, put them atop his head, and left the room. nansen: ah, u would have saved the cat.

does every zen story involve wearing articles of clothing in inappropriate places

the good ones, yes

I think that last one is supposed to be about appreciating close friends?

heh we have whole threads about what catholic assholes get up too.

There was an old woman in China who had supported a monk for over twenty years. She had built a little hut for him and fed him while he was meditating. Finally she wondered just what progress he had made in all this time.

To find out, she obtained the help of a girl rich in desire. "Go and embrace him," she told her, "and then ask him suddenly: 'What now?'"

The girl called upon the monk and without much ado caressed him, asking him what he was going to do about it.

"An old tree grows on a cold rock in winter," replied the monk somewhat poetically. "Nowhere is there any warmth."

The girl returned and related what he had said.

"To think I fed that fellow for twenty years!" exclaimed the old woman in anger. "He showed no consideration for your need, no disposition to explain your condition. He need not have responded to passion, but at least he could have evidenced some compassion;"

She at once went to the hut of the monk and burned it down.

Amanda Palmer invokes her Zen philosophical stance at the beginning of a recent blog where she is googling her own name, which is something she seems to do all the time.

And it was at the hour of sunset that they came to the foot of the mountain. There was in that place no sign of life,—neither token of water, nor trace of plant, nor shadow of flying bird,—nothing but desolation rising to desolation. And the summit was lost in heaven.

Then the Bodhisattva said to his young companion:—“What you have asked to see will be shown to you. But the place of the Vision is far; and the way is rude. Follow after me, and do not fear: strength will be given you.”

Twilight gloomed about them as they climbed. There was no beaten path, nor any mark of former human visitation; and the way was over an endless heaping of tumbled fragments that rolled or turned beneath the foot. Sometimes a mass dislodged would clatter down with hollow echoings;—sometimes the substance trodden would burst like an empty shell….Stars pointed and thrilled; and the darkness deepened.

“Do not fear, my son,” said the Bodhisattva, guiding: “danger there is none, though the way be grim.”

Under the stars they climbed,—fast, fast,—mounting by help of power superhuman. High zones of mist they passed; and they saw below them, ever widening as they climbed, a soundless flood of cloud, like the tide of a milky sea.

Hour after hour they climbed;—and forms invisible yielded to their tread with dull soft crashings;—and faint cold fires lighted and died at every breaking.

And once the pilgrim-youth laid hand on a something smooth that was not stone,—and lifted it,—and dimly saw the cheekless gibe of death.

“Linger not thus, my son!” urged the voice of the teacher;—“the summit that we must gain is very far away!”

On through the dark they climbed,—and felt continually beneath them the soft strange breakings,—and saw the icy fires worm and die,—till the rim of the night turned grey, and the stars began to fail, and the east began to bloom.

Yet still they climbed,—fast, fast,—mounting by help of power superhuman. About them now was frigidness of death,—and silence tremendous….A gold flame kindled in the east.

Then first to the pilgrim’s gaze the steeps revealed their nakedness;—and a trembling seized him,—and a ghastly fear. For there was not any ground,—neither beneath him nor about him nor above him,—but a heaping only, monstrous and measureless, of skulls and fragments of skulls and dust of bone,—with a shimmer of shed teeth strown through the drift of it, like the shimmer of scrags of shell in the wrack of a tide.

“Do not fear, my son!” cried the voice of the Bodhisattva;—“only the strong of heart can win to the place of the Vision!”

Behind them the world had vanished. Nothing remained but the clouds beneath, and the sky above, and the heaping of skulls between,—up-slanting out of sight.

Then the sun climbed with the climbers; and there was no warmth in the light of him, but coldness sharp as a sword. And the horror of stupendous height, and the nightmare of stupendous depth, and the terror of silence, ever grew and grew, and weighed upon the pilgrim, and held his feet,—so that suddenly all power departed from him, and he moaned like a sleeper in dreams.

“Hasten, hasten, my son!” cried the Bodhisattva: “the day is brief, and the summit is very far away.”

But the pilgrim shrieked,—“I fear! I fear unspeakably!—and the power has departed from me!”

“The power will return, my son,” made answer the Bodhisattva…. “Look now below you and above you and about you, and tell me what you see.”

“I cannot,” cried the pilgrim, trembling and clinging; “I dare not look beneath! Before me and about me there is nothing but skulls of men.”

“And yet, my son,” said the Bodhisattva, laughing softly,—“and yet you do not know of what this mountain is made.”

The other, shuddering, repeated:—“I fear!—unutterably I fear!…there is nothing but skulls of men!”

“A mountain of skulls it is,” responded the Bodhisattva. “But know, my son, that all of them ARE YOUR OWN! Each has at some time been the nest of your dreams and delusions and desires. Not even one of them is the skull of any other being. All,—all without exception,—have been yours, in the billions of your former lives.”

Wtf

I'd say the Bodhisattva is pretty nice, considering the situation of endless death and rebirth.

'sorry, this sucks i know.'

am I the (zen) asshole

the way is rude

Koan :

The turtle sticks is head into a bottle. The wind blows at his tail!
Therefore, the sticks in the field and brown.