[1P3 ROCKTOBER] Ask Ned Raggett, ROCKTOBER EDITION

21. Did Marty McFly really invent Rock and Roll or have those Hollywood SCUMBAGS been lying to us??

21. The inventor of rock and roll was one Edna Esclavos, who lived in the small town of Dubston in Feedlenix County, Kansas. Bored with life in 1954, she made a guitar out of hay and a fence post and proceeded to proclaim that 'society is a hole' and that everyone should collective put all their hands on what she described as 'the big one,' but she refused clarification on this point when interviewed by the weekly paper, the Feedlenix Finder-Observer. Her husband protested this turn of events but the huge crowds that gathered back behind their old outhouse, where Edna would play on the roof, would hear no argument otherwise. Tragically she died when lightning struck her after a ten-minute guitar solo, but a young James Brown swore upon her grave he would 'uplift the masses and their asses' by means of a tribute show to her every night. He stopped after two days but no matter.

21 wins

We all must remember to THANK Mr. Raggett, isn't that right, 1p3?

22. tips on picking up ladies, plz

22. As follows (in order desired, or of desire -- working also under the assumption that the generic picker-upper I am creating is, like our Mr. Gr8080, of the male persuasion):

* "HI DERE" or equivalent. Politer the better if first approach to said lass of interest. Overly polite, ie, "Prithee fair maiden hast thou seen the bar list" or whatever = you are either Adam Ant in the "Prince Charming" video (good, very very good) or you are an SCA/RenFest reject (go wash immediately, shave off your scraggly beard and in general know you will not know love at all until you realize what a terrible mistake your life has been until now -- do not sidestep into Star Trek conventions either).

* It is well known that the Mere Male, who can be very, very Mere, often has an appreciation of the female bosom in all its ways. All sides knowing this, it is therefore wise upon first introduction and discussion to remember to look into her *eyes* rather than at her *cleavage.* The Merest of Males forget this simple note, and wonder why they are once again wanking themselves to sleep later on in the evening, the deep-fried mini-tacos and the endless PBRs or Grolschs having again sadly precluded sense and tact. Apply similar standards to other parts of the body one might fetishize, ie ass, elbow (know the difference between these two), legs, feet (unless you are Quentin Tarantino, in which case it is obvious why you are talking to her feet), etc.

* Humor good. Bad humor bad. Know the difference. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck" or any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

* If you are under the assumption that all you want out of the chance encounter you are currently engineering is a conducting of social relations for an evening in the privacy of one's own home/bedsit/car/park bench and nothing more, that's fine, but it would be handy if you read the appropriate signals the lady you are talking with is giving off in this matter. If she is interested and things progress from there, hurrah. If she is not interested, take the hint. If you persist, she will seek to leave. If you do anything stupider in this situation, mockery will be the least of your problems. Don't make us find you and kill you.

* Brush your goddamn teeth, floss, and otherwise take care of yourself. If you need me to spell this out for you, you are already in deep trouble.

any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

This is classic stuff!!

Ned u r kewl.

23. You come over and watch the Cubs game with the exploited 18 year olds y/n?

23. This all depends on who is doing the exploiting and for what purpose. I have principles. (These are all easily corrupted.)

24. Please gauge the success of 1p3 Rocktober four (or maybe three for u) days in. What is the public's perception?

25. Who do you like in the NL post season?

24. Its success is unmeasured, indeed immeasurable. Please consider -- when Isaac Newton sat under a tree and a cow fell on his head, he did not immediately conceive of the full measure of what we know now as the gravatomological theory of existence. This states that, in fact, all atoms are of equal size, mostly pear-shaped, and have pits instead of seeds. This being the case, they are logically attracted towards each other, because all seeds in atoms are born of the same mother, the ueberatom known in the vulgar tongue as 'Laureena.' The units used to determine these relationships have taken many generations to work out and to this day, a team of gnome slaves are currently working in the basement of Microsoft in order to determine exactly the right amount of atomseeds that can be force-fed to create pate de fois gras on the head of a pin. These gnomes are rewarded for their efforts with marginally less beatings. Again, however, Newton did not immediately conceive of this, and instead yelled, "Why did a COW just land on my head?" He then chopped down the tree with an ax and became the father of his country, having made love to the ground. Thus you can see that the gauge of measuring the success of Rocktober requires centuries of effort, a cow, a good winching system, and gnomes.

25. A fair question. Let us consider, by means of the alleged schedule which has been agreed on, by means of lies, threats and commercial sponsorship. (In the case of the American League playoffs, all these factored in as well, plus George Steinbrenner's money, the terror that is the flatlands of Anaheim not some ten miles or so to the north of here [a strange blasted heath of an area, with a ghost-ridden mountain featuring the frozen cadaver of Walt Disney's chaffeur and/or Michael Jackson], and Sam Adams beer, which is currently being consumed by drunkards.)

* According to one matchup, CHC plays ARI. It is to be assumed that the teams are standing in for certain ur-figures represented by the three word names, much like how the entity claimed as God is spelled out as YHWH by those who believe that vowels are either of the Devil or of New Jersey (alternately, Gulfport). Therefore Chicago in fact is playing for the spirit of Chic, the greatest band that ever existed that was not My Bloody Valentine or the Raunchy Young Lepers. Arizona is playing for Ari Fleischer, a troll in human form that once spent years in the service of the current president lying for him daily. It is therefore damned. Chicago by a mile, unless foul curses are at work once again (and after the Red Sox AND the White Sox beat theirs, would it be any surprise that the Cubs couldn't?).

* We now consider the other. COL faces PHI. In this case, Colorado stands for Colonel Sanders, chicken magnate and dead man. Being dead, he might be seen to have limited influence, but one should never rule out the dead, especially if they are extra crispy, from having bathed in the fires of hell. In the case of Philadelphia, PHI obviously means Phi Beta Kappa, the honors society in which your humble respondent is well-known as a primary member of honor (in much the same way that he is an official honest-to-god Eagle Scout -- you can just sense the upright citizenship around my every word). Regardless, it is still Philadelphia, and no matter how many cheesesteaks are devoured, generic fried chicken has the numbers. Colorado in 5.

The above should not be seen as accurate predictions or judgments. They are, however, a damn sight better than everything else you've heard or read so far, especially if you have done nothing but listen to excitable men on sports talk radio. Remember: every time they go on about something, you never have to see what they look like, and it is likely they are not wearing any pants. Would you trust such creatures?

26. Ned, I was at a Phillies game during Opening Week this year and it was also "Student Night" and "Dollar Dog Night". A combination that led those Philly Students to throw hot dogs onto the field after knocking back a few refreshing ales. If the Phillies schedule every home playoff as a Student Dollar Dog Night, could they make it to the World Series?

26. Likely not. The suggestive-in-a-Freudian-sense appearance of too many Dollar Dogs would cause an outbreak of homosexual orgies in the stands and on the field during the game. This is sanctioned by law, which instead encourages these activities after the game is over.

!

27. Ned, do you care about black people?

27. I only care about celery.

28. Are you jealous of competing thread "ask and what"?

28. Certainly not, because that was prompted by "Ask Abbott," a very fine thread. I am above competition.

29. Why does Longpigs' 1999 masterpiece Mobile Home have a 1.5 star rating on allmusic? :(

A+ attitude

29. I have not heard this album, ergo it does not exist. (Similarly I have never seen George W. Bush in person = he is a consensual fantasy dreamed up by a ruling class.)

30. Ned, should I sleep with my work colleague or my house mate? Both are female AND brunette!!

30. I would say that you would seem to be a prime candidate to ask them to sleep with each other while you watch. You should at least ask them to sign release forms before setting up the webcam, as well as checking your health insurance since your privates might be forcibly removed from you ten seconds after making the suggestion.

31. Why do most men vehemently claim to only like brunettes? Most blondes say its because they don't think they can score with a blonde but that cant be right since we're kind of easy.

31. Men, being confusing but simple creatures, tend to wish to project their insecurities. Also, many have grown up reading Archie comics, as much as they wish to deny it. They therefore have the image that all brunettes, while a bit snobbish, have parents that are filthy rich who they can sponge off of in later life rather than doing any work. Reality defeats them on this front, but they continue to pursue the dream, seeking their own Veronica Lodge. Sadly this eventually leads to the addiction of comic conventions, cosplay, and autoerotic asphyxiation. In providing entertainment to millions with the details of their pathetic deaths via the Darwin Awards, however, they fulfill a function in life that is necessary.

I have perhaps strayed from the original question but no matter.

I would try to score with Sunny if she wasn't married to another member of the wider 1p3 massiv!!

(Not a question but a statement of sorts.)

Acknowledged.

i went ahead and added this thread to the Ned Raggett wikipedia entry.

Too bad she doesn't like Aussie men, pato. Only heterosexuals.

32. What is your singing voice?

a) bass (basso profondo?)
b) baritone
c) tenor
d) countertenor
e) castrato
f) Andi Sexgang
g) other (please specify)

Wikipedia is a resource, this is unquestioned.

Heterosexuals are persons of interest. They might be mythical.

32. My singing voice cannot be described. Indeed, it cannot be abided. People have run screaming. Vile crimes are committed in its presence. Be careful what you wish for with your poll.

Too bad she doesn't like Aussie men, pato. Only heterosexuals.

This is the last time I respect the creed of BROS BEFORE HOES!!

33. Ned, what are your thoughts on BROS BEFORE HOES?

34. And why do you love Radiohead so much? Are you, like, a tard??

33. The question as I see it is this -- a choice between:

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/57366604.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=8D1A55FA4F4B48DB8E25599DB2E5F5CA284831B75F48EF45

Or:

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3251105.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=12F00EB112845DEC3CBF70A96AEDF84FA55A1E4F32AD3138

Both are worlds of sweaty men and the implements that please them. I have no truck with this.

34. I am not LIKE a tard. I am a tard. Phrase yourself properly next time so others will not laugh at you.

yr second image don't work, TARD!!

ned how would you best describe pato's posting?:

a) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
b) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

plz let me know

27. I only care about celery.

-- Ned Raggett, Thursday, October 4, 2007 6:50 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Link

ned is a wonder pet!!

35

NED--

NED HOWCOME DUNDEDIN HAV COASTLINE

HOWCOME & HOWLONG

WEHRE

Response to the non-numbered question: It is argued that the function of sleep can include 'a dynamic time of healing and growth for organisms' and 'physiological processes of growth and rejuvenation of the organism's immune, nervous, muscular, and skeletal systems.' This being the case one would assume more sleep rather than less is beneficial to the human organism, as befits such a wonderful natural creation, especially when regarded by itself as opposed to numerous other organisms, many of which it kills and eats. We must assume that the second answer is therefore true, since we all seek to improvement the species's betterment by all necessary means.

35. The Otago peninsula, upon which I have rambled and taken photographs and otherwise had reflective experiences, used to be a big-ass volcano. Now some volcanoes are not quite so big-ass, and their relative sizes of bigness and assness must be taken into account -- for this reason primitive peoples worldwide once described volcanoes in terms of lower natural functions, thus the Homeric line described thus:

"...and Odysseus espied the mount of Etna
Farting foul gases into the air
Much like I have done nightly
Having eaten my dolmas too quickly
Pity me, O Muse."

Similarly the Hawaiian islands were once considered 'the zits of the mother ocean,' which led to the injunction not to squeeze them too tightly.

The big-ass Dunedin volcano gave forth its own blast of foul excrudescence some millions of years in the past, causing the disturbed mother ocean, revolted at the smell, to wash over the remains in the hopes that all would eventually be hidden under the waves. This was done, and birds and seals and other creatures flocked to the new coastlines and thrived. Then first the Maori and then the Scots came, and happily killed and ate them in the manner described in the previous answer. Harmonic balance was restored in full, and now the coastline exists for people stuffed with Cadbury samples, fish and chips and generous pints of Monteiths to come down to the water's edge and marvel at it before accidentally drowning.

36. If poop were white would toilet paper be brown?

36. Bird poop is white, so possibly bird toilet paper is brown. Investigating this facet of bird life is something I leave to the experts of bird poop.

37. Is Anderson Cooper hot or what

37. This question has been phrased in a form indicating bias.

He's QUITE hot!

hey i had a really great idea tonite... how about an ASK ROXYMUZAK THREAD!!!!?!?!?!?!!!!

A hijack!

And now I ask a question of you the ip3 audience -- should gr8080 tape an "ASK NED RAGGETT" session for YouTube uploading when I am in Hawaii?

yes!

YES!!!

im gonna vote for "hillary clinton screensavers"

lol @ these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I thank you all.

sexe cunt anal booty thong

riw1989 has made a comment on Ned Raggett: T/S: Manic Street Preachers vs Gay Dad:

You fail to mention the fact that Edwards wrote the greatest "dark" album ever. I've yet to encounter an album which takes all the problems of modern life. Wire also successfuly tackled this as well in many different songs too, design for life and ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit'sworldwouldfallapart to name two. So, you completely failed to talk about anything musically by the manics with Richey and agreed that he is more intelligent than you. Good job you moron.

haha failed to mention that one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaD8hK7o1lk

my account w/ all the ask ned raggett videos was deleted by youtube after using it to troll metallica fans but thankfully one outraged manic street preachers fan reposted this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn-yTOO8KIY