Batman Begins: The Thread

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40641000/jpg/_40641684_cruise203.jpg

CRUISEBOT CARES NOT THAT HOLMESBOT IS NOT RECAST. CRUISEBOT HAS OTHER THINGS TO DO. I ACKNOWLEDGE CROWD.

True.

Ah yes, the Trickster. Sub-Riddler character.

oh man. the riddler is already so sub-joker.

Sir, at heart I am only cruel to you.

OW MY BRANE

He keeps this body morphing shit up, he'll kill himself. To go from less-than-dead to buff, well, I imagine that for months he:

Woke up at 4AM. Shoot up steroids, drink a shitload of protein, aerobics for an hour, pass out.

6AM. Woke up, sho0t up with Human Growth Hormone, more aerobics, eat some high calorie meal, pass out.

8 AM. Wake up, take more androgens, puke, pump iron for a few hours, answer email briskly.

Noon. More iron pumping, probably more drugs.

2PM. Another big meal.

3PM. Boxing, or some other stretch/pull excercize, perhaps enhanced by some sort of speedish drug.

5 PM. 3 steaks.

7PM - 8PM. Vibrate; take some Xanex.

8:30. Puke.

9PM. Watch Val Kilmer BATMAN, hiss "Pussy!", pass out.

Repeat for several months, no days off.

The whole beginning was just...MY KINGDOM FOR A CONCRETE NOUN. Control your fear, my anger outweighs by fear, vengeance your truth, all this grandiose talk that added up to jack shit. Between this and Episode One I'm surprised Liam Neeson hasn't jumped off a roof. Morgan Freeman bringing amiable warmth to a movie is right up there with me taking a good shit after eating taco bell in the Not News department. Michael Caine got shouldered with the rare and clumsy capper quips. Christian Bale was passable as Bruce Wayne but added little and JESUS CHRIST his Batman voice is hysterical. He already sounds a tad awkward anyway but when he gravels up and goes for ominous he's just pathetic. Michael Keaton did a way better job giving Batman a personality.

Aside from a few early moments with Thomas Wayne (well cast) and maybe Gordon (Gary Oldman was the only actor who seemed really intriguing in the parts I caught, sort of reminded me of Laurence Olivier in The Boys From Brazil in his determination to not just coast on skills a la Caine and Freeman but have something going under the surface despite being in an overwraught joke of a movie), the scenes just zipped along without gripping me despite their weighty tone. Actually it might be BECAUSE of that tone. I know a lot of people are anxious for a 'serious' Batman movie but Batman and all superheroes are to some degree completely ludicrous. It's hard to look at a LIVE HUMAN wearing that outfit and not giggle, ESPECIALLY when they're being excruciatingly earnest, and this movie seemed to be under the notion that we were at church.

I have a hard time believing this movie is gonna have legs at the theatre, but hey evidently people like draggy, self-serious tripe. I did like Holmes' homage to the batnipples.

Can you point me at a movie that is enjoyable if you sleep through half of it?

DAMN YOU DANG!

(xpost: HAHA)

x-post dude I was SO paying attention to the movie. I wasn't blitzed off my gourd.

"Oh god no! I fell asleep five minutes in! The music were awful, the lyrics were laughable, the costumes were ludicrous, and the blocking was from a public-school talent show. Nighttrain?"

Miccio wins!

(xpost: Tom, I don't know exactly how much I'd have to drink before voluntarily watching "The Hunger" but I suspect it might put me in the hospital.)

Dammit how come I remember the exact track order of Morrissey albums and not the names of lesbian vampire films?

BTW if Miccio had posted saying "I walked out halfway through, it was shit and here's why" would people still complain? I agree the "easy dismissal" comment was way cheeky.

Tom, please to research the name of this "lesbian vampire" movie so I can get my post-work alcopop schwerve on. (Oh dang was it some Deneuve / Sarandon nookie? Oh yeah.)

ESPECIALLY the batmobile. The batmobile ESPECIALLY.

NB: I have always hated Batman.

No not that one either Andrew :(

Confirmed: Yes, Tim Booth from James as Mr Zsaz!

(xpost: ... "Queen of the Damned"? Hahahaha.)