people that YELP are scumbags

I was rollin' in the 'hood with Bookman.

stop doing this. you are not carrie bradshaw. he is not mr big. nobody cares about your relationship.

Fresh Orange Juice ($4) was squeezed per my order

all my senses were mesmerized by the symphony of sweet and savory; the delicate wrapper glistened with body-temperature porcine unctuousness

SFX: vomit noises

Pig grunting noises more appropriate, I'd think.

this v annoying guy i used to know is an elite yelper, ive just found out. he writes reviews of gas stations even. not even angry or glowing reviews, just mediocre reviews of gas stations. who does this?!!

thinking of staging a one man show entirely consisting of a dude reading these

Wow, way to make me feel awkward....

I walked in shortly after five on a Monday afternoon, hoping to get a quiet drink or two, maybe an appetizer, and get a feel for this place. I was there less than two minutes, but a feeling I certainly got...!

I was there long enough to see the interior layout. It's very "urban chic", with black and white photos, plenty of wood, ceramic, and stainless, and an attractive open kitchen.

Still, the single adjective that stands out most to me is "cramped". I opened the door and nearly walked into a couple conversing with the hostess (?), and the whole place looked like it should hold about 10% fewer people than they had seats for. Really, it's East Nashville, guys, not Manhattan. Anyhow, another employee said a quick "hello" to me, then asked my name. Being slightly disoriented, I told her my last name, but I couldn't imagine what good it would do her. She asked if I had a reservation, and I said no, still confused why a reservation might be necessary for a single person arriving at 5:10pm on a Monday afternoon.

Anyhow, I told her I'd never been in and asked about the seats ringing the kitchen. She told me they were reservation only, but pointed me to the bar, where, she said, seating was open. Alright, well, so far, pretty normal. . . .

The bar though had eleven seats in a tight squeeze that looks like it would be very cozy holding nine. There was one seat clearly holding a patron's purse, and another where it looked like someone had recently departed. I hopefully moved toward the bar, but found it incredibly difficult to navigate the small channels between the tables/bar/stools (I'm really not a big person!), and saw I was getting no help or attention from any of the patrons, the bartender, or the (hostess? manager?) who had originally spoken to me. Still, I probed at the area, hoping to get some indication that I would be able to use one of the two ostensibly open seats. After a moment or two of negative response, I turned (carefully!) for the door.

What I find most odd is that the same woman who had spoken to me upon entering (and assumed I had a reservation), said "ok, see you later" in a mildly condescending tone, with what I took to be an attitude that I should have known better than to dare come in at 5pm on a Monday with no reservation - The Horror!

It wouldn't have taken much to do a number of things that would have given me a MUCH better, so soooo essential, first impression: she could have apologized that I didn't see a place I liked; maybe asked me kindly to return some other time; she COULD have helped me to access one of the two clearly open seats; hell, she could have at the very least *SMILED* when she dismissed me out the door!

Eh, it all gave me a very sour feeling, and it's going to make it harder for me to start with a fresh slate ever I finally dine here, but I'll do my best.

Please, Lockeland Table, pleasepleasePUHleeee­eezze don't be like Pharmacy...we don't need another place to make fun of in this neighborhood.

he complains that he wasnt getting attention FROM THE PATRONS?

hell, she could have at the very least *SMILED* when she dismissed me out the door!

*SMILED*

Heh, and before *that* was the off-menu cocktail from their meister-bartender Matt T. Composed of Amantillado sherry, cynar, apple brandy, and touches of sweet vermouth, Islay scotch, and smoked sea salt, finished with a flamed orange peel, it tasted basically like a liquid version of crisp apple paired with the smoothest smoked gouda. Not to mention it had the effect of liquid crack. Holy craps, right? Can it get any better??

that drink sounds amazing fwiw

wow, lots of crack experts on yelp

"Universal Islands of Adventure ButterBeer aka Liquid Crack"
"Fresh, organic, DELICIOUS and healthy. It's like liquid crack."
"Organic orange strawberry banana juice. Aka liquid crack"
"Starbucks Coffee Venti iced coffee. My liquid crack."
"Their cinnamon tea is sooooo good!!! It's liquid crack I say!"
"Sea Salt Iced Coffee is The equivalent of LIQUID CRACK COCAINE!"
"getting my liquid crack from Dunkin' Donuts"
"Molasses Milk tea. It's like liquid crack"
"Hacienda Salsa is like liquid crack."
"The hot sauce is sweet and tangy, its like liquid crack."
"omg the dressing is liquid crack"
"The Sangria is like liquid crack"
"Duck sauce to die for, like liquid crack!"
"The gravy at this place is like liquid crack."
"And let's all agree that McDonalds diet Coke is a form of liquid crack"
"Otherwise a typical Target, the liquid crack of department stores. :-)"

No results found for "liquid PCP" site:yelp.com

No results found for "liquid ketamine" site:yelp.com

"Target, the liquid crack of department stores"?!

why liquid

liquid? goddamn babies, what's wrong with good old fashioned rock

where has this thread been all my life, so many cringelols

we should change the title of the thread to 'people that yelp are failed novellists'

The bar though had eleven seats in a tight squeeze that looks like it would be very cozy holding nine. There was one seat clearly holding a patron's purse, and another where it looked like someone had recently departed. I hopefully moved toward the bar, but found it incredibly difficult to navigate the small channels between the tables/bar/stools (I'm really not a big person!), and saw I was getting no help or attention from any of the patrons, the bartender, or the (hostess? manager?) who had originally spoken to me.

This really might be a new low in the total blundering disorientation of a shut-in, ill-advisedly articulated in words and gifted to the internet. There were empty stools, so naturally I turned and fled in abject terror.

I imagine this person flailing their arms about spastically and running out of the establishment crying like a 2 year old who dropped his icecream cone

i used to live with this dude. he is insufferable

As a touring musician that doesn't eat fast food, Yelp has seriously improved my life for the better. It's important to cross reference Yelp tips with local suggestions and personal intuition. Otherwise, results may vary.

she could have apologized that I didn't see a place I liked; maybe asked me kindly to return some other time; she COULD have helped me to access one of the two clearly open seats; hell, she could have at the very least *SMILED* when she dismissed me out the door!

haha who is this overgrown bastard toddler

I can only assume that when this person complains about getting no help from someone, that means that he/she walked two feet away from the hostess stand and craned his/her neck to stare at the two seats at the bar while pouting

also, I haven't been out in Nashville a ton, but I've been out several times over the past few years, usually around busy holiday times, and we've never had problems securing seats for parties of up to 6 at any place we went

ime when you work as a host / hostess, you get pretty good at identifying which patrons are going to be fussy & impossible to please as soon as they enter; and you learn not to waste your time on them.

not to say that you can ignore them or abuse them, but you learn to not expend unnecessary efforts on them because if someone's committed to being unsatisfied there's really nothing you can do to change that. it's not the duty of the host to intervene on behalf of your social anxiety because you can't stand to ask a lady to move her purse, and it's really not her responsibility to smile as you take your business elsewhere. my $0.02.

she COULD have helped me to access one of the two clearly open seats

perhaps she was confused as to why you didnt fuckin' sit in one or ask a patron if the seat was taken, etc, you fucking moron

she COULD have wiped my ass for me, but she DIDN'T, and NOW my ass is CHAPPED waaaaah

hahahahahaha I had typed and deleted a variation on that comment because I couldn't make it work, kudos

Great place to work if....

1.) you get a seat (which is like winning the lottery)
2.) you're not hungry (they only do croissants)

I went last week to work on a budget proposal for work. Like a BOSS, I got a window seat, and was hesitant to leave the spot in case I woke up from the dream I was surely having. Bad news is I spent 7 hours there trying to finish up my work.... but felt like fainting by the end of it, after only having 2 cups of a coffee and a croissant all day.

If they did little artisan sandwiches and plopped in an extra table, I'd totally be there everyday

the "bad news" is that you felt faint after having only had two cups of coffee and a croissant at a 12-seat coffee shop while you took up a seat for 7 hours. FUCK YOU.

little artisan sandwiches

*plop*

if only the coffee shop would simply acquire new equipment and distributors and business model and make sandwiches

worth it to save all the faint dudes in the window seats, rip

lol, complaining about there being no available seats while occupying one for 7 hours

one my favorite things about yelp reviews are the complaints when a coffee shop doesn't have outlets, and the rise in vitriol if a coffee shop that once had them gets rid of them.

i used to work in a coffee stand in a chocolate shop and we had several email complaints that the chocolate shop was not a cafe. I think they put some stools in just to shut people up.

No. no. no.

I should be able to rate them with negative stars. Why? They managed to ruin my Yelp event before I was even able to attend. That's right, I took some clothes here for the White Hot Nights event in Naperville and wow... what a terrible job. I want to say they didn't do anything at all, but I can't...because the clothes are actually more wrinkled then when I took them in (so, nothing would have been an improvement over what ever took place). It seems I basically paid them $7.50 to ball them up and place them on one of their hangers. Sweet.

Now I don't even have enough time to go somewhere else and have them do a proper job. So, what has two thumbs and will look like he slept in his clothes the night before? THIS GUY!

Don't worry, Ultimate Dry Cleaners, I saved two other fingers just for you.

F*ck this place.

I feel mean for posting this because it is v sweet, but oh how I lol'd in so many parts of this. I couldn't help it. I am a cynical meanie at heart.

My friend, Sara, brought me to this little piece of Heaven on Earth last week. For me, books are the companions that envelope me in warm embrace, whether I have 10 minutes or hours to give to them; I feel safe within the pages of stories.

To have been given the gift of this shop, it was something akin to Beast giving Belle his library. The first person I met was Izzie, the owner's daughter, a wonderfully cheerful girl who welcomed me to the store. The owner, Debbie, pointed me toward the Biography section and asked if I wanted some tea. I declined for the moment because I was waiting on a friend and I was overwhelmed with happiness at being in the middle of this nirvana, I didn't think I could steady a cup of tea as well.

When Sara arrived we accepted a cup of freshly brewed cinnamon tea and a cookie, all served on the most delicate and beautiful tea and saucer sets imaginable. We could have stayed in this shop all day long. Debbie took us on a tour of the Book Cellar, making sure we stopped and had a chance to be delighted by the fantastical door that played music upon the turning and winding of the handle; this door was straight out of A Secret Garden.

Debbie was a kindred spirit and encouraged us to enjoy the tomes. I found it particularly difficult to go into the section that had beautifully bound, old, books because it seemed so sacred, but Sara was brave and was rewarded by finding the most delectable set of Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass, tied in delicate, gold ribbon. We imagined the lives these books must have had before finding themselves residing on the shelves of The Book Cellar and it was delicious for the imagination we share.

We were also offered the opportunity to invite some of our friends to the store with us where Debbie would serve us tea and finger sandwiches (at no extra charge) and I am quite honestly considering having my birthday gathering here just because it makes me so DARN HAPPY to be in this space. :) Thank you Book Cellar!

so....it's a book store?

hard to figure out, I know

I walked in and was delighted to find BOOKS

Elite '13
3491 friends
1246 reviews
6/8/2010 Candice "Orange Crush" G. says:
Whoa, Momma! I can barely contain myself!

Yelp Chicagoland's first ever open party has been posted and it's gonna be hot, Hot, HOT!

The event will take place in Naperville (repping my hometown... and no, you cannot stay over) at one of my all time faves, Meson Sabika. This event will be made exponentially HOTTER by the fact that IT'S A WHITE PARTY! So dust off those Summer whites and maybe invest in a nice sized bottle of Scotch Guard 'cause this party's gonna be Sssmokin'!

Per usual, there'll be light bites (tapas style) courtesy of Meson Sabika and libations from the likes of Rain Organics Vodka and Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. And we mustn't forget my personal photog faves, ShutterBox, ActionBooth, and a portrait photographer to capture yelpers in all their White Hot glory.

******************************­******************************­******************************­******************
Elites should RSVP through their nifty little badge (don't forget to change your location to 'Chicago Burbs'). Helpful link here: http://www.yelp.com/elit…

And non-Elite yelpers should RSVP through the events page listing or the link below: http://www.yelp.com/even…

I was morbidly curious

IT'S A WHITE PARTY

Naperville, ffs.

I was overwhelmed with happiness at being in the middle of this nirvana, I didn't think I could steady a cup of tea as well.

these people are all emotional wrecks, aren't they?

Yelpers basically make me never want to own a business

PEOPLE: THIS IS WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR