people that YELP are scumbags

i feel like yelp is a place where a lot of amanda palmer types have ended up congregating

hah this is such wanktastic writing i was surprised to see it's a woman

http://www.yelp.com/biz/humphry-slocombe-ice-cream-san-francisco#hrid:oEQ_vjaJzuEoG9QEhRW4Kg

upcoming TED talk: how to improve your city using nothing but yelp reviews

I am beginning to think this woman is a horrifying national treasure:

I do not have a personal trainer to bitch-slap bread and cheese out of my hand, and as I careen towards 40, am taking a serious look at my eating habits. But only because I've been taking a serious look at my waistline... which got a little more serious over the holidaze, childrens. I'm not gonna lie. #Hungrygirlproblems!

After a great amount of contemplation, meditation, degustation and slight inebriation, a poll on FB and a crap-ton of online research, I narrowed it down to 3 upper-range consumer level juicer-smoothie contraptions.

Went to another place to handle the floor samples, but didn't like the configuration and effort required for set up, breakdown or cleaning. Decided to call here while driving across the bridge and spoke with Kyle.

He was gracious and described the difference between the two Vitamix models that were in stock. I didn't mention that I was en route and had basically made up my mind already to purchase.

I am a kitchen gadget slut, but not for the sake of having stuff clutter my drawers. I love my 60" Boos Butcher Block Island with overhead rack storage. My Le Creuset collection is the most colorful, versatile and hardest working cookware I own.

I've come a long way since my starter set from... you know... *whisper* Ikea. There, I said it - and don't even act like you can't relate!

Kyle recognized me as the voice of the Vitacurious caller. He showed me the models and answered the very few questions I actually had. In-store purchases have a 1 year warranty; my actual product has 7 year coverage.

I am a sucker for stellar service, and Kyle rocked it. He will be relocating to Seattle inside the next month to be a buyer at the corporate office; he just found out on Tuesday. Yay, for Kyle! Yay for Seattle! Sadsies for me, since I won't be able to see his smiling face again for future purchases.

Actually, Yay for Sur La Table for promoting quality talent from within; everybody benefits that way, right?

Current promotion: 1 year subscription to Bon Appetite with $50 purchase. I asked if I could have a free 14 year subscription, but Kyle said no. But only because he isn't in charge of the promotions. I'll ask him again when he's been promoted to like, King of Purchasing, and I'm sure he will say yes then, because I can say I knew him "way back when..."

Bonus: jar of organic Cherokee Purple Tomatoes. Bloody Mary Mondays, here I come! Green Lemonade is more like it, because I am about to start eating Paleo again. This week.

Next week at the latest.

Seriously, though - quality tools and appliances in the kitchen trump quantity any day. Even if you are at the casual or recreational as a home cook, the right implements go a long way in how the end result turns out.

Do stop by and say hi to Kyle and wish him well in Seattle!

Chow, for now, childrens!

Happy Fridaze, Childrens! How is you all beens? Let's talk about Loring Cafe, shall weez?

This morning, I was rollin' in the 'hood with Bookman. I am not a breakfast kind of gal; Bookman is a breakfast 3x a day if possible kind of guy. The sidewalk display with the menu turned our heads - that, and the delicious smells wafting from the door and out onto the street!

Once inside, it's a bit of theatrical shock. Impressive, at first - high ceilings, exposed beams and some lighting effects. We were shown to a window table, surrounded by plants - aesthetically, nice - but I hated the polyester feel of my napkin.

It felt like disco pants.

First up: a Popover ($3) which was plated with edible fruit garnish and served room temperature, accompanied by rosemary-infused lignonberry jam + apple butter. I laid down a thick layer of the latter and topped it with the former. Good times!

The Cuban-Style coffee ($5) was excellent, and Fresh Orange Juice ($4) was squeezed per my order. While I found it charming today, it's not a sustainable practice, nor do I expect it to be, since Friday was their second day for breakfast service. I do hope they up their game from navel oranges to Valencias or a citrus blend.

Under BREAKFAST STAPLES, I chose Last Night's Pizza ($7 - not sure why the website says $5) and opted for the Proscuitto w/ Goat Cheese; Bookman ordered Honeyed Granola w/ Fruit and Yogurt ($8). Both were beautifully plated, accurately described and fall-down delicious.

They were also portioned like appetizers.

Bookman's "staple" arrived first; mine was presented about three minutes later... This would be annoying under normal circumstances, but was baffling as we were the only two people actively eating during breakfast service in the entire joint. What the fully-staffed kitchen was doing, I have absolutely no idea, but I could see them all scurrying around in the open kitchen, doing everything but expediting our meal.

Ask a woman: size matters. Technique, quality, blah, blah, blah... yeah, that too. But honey, don't drop a word like "staple" which clearly implies my satisfaction... and leave me breathless, hungry and unfulfilled!

Even Bookman, who is pretty easy-going and streamlined of palate was befuddled. So glad he didn't order an Egg Scramble; it would not have surprised me if they'd brought out something made with a quail egg. Yep. That's how microscopic the portions are.

At least the Honeyed Granola option weighed more than four ounces.

My Pizza was delicious. It was a thin, cracker-like crust with cheese, proscuitto and some slightly oxidized herbs that had no flavor. Normally, I would have tasted them separately to determine what they were, but I was SO HUNGRY that I ate it too fast. Whatever it was did not register in the flavor profile at all.

The presentation of my pizza was bad from a psychological standpoint. I'm thinking thin-crust pizza, right? I'm served *half* of a petite oval that fits on a dish I normally associate with salad courses. Right away, I'm thinking, "Where's the other half?" and my order is cut into three wedges that weighed less than a hummingbird fart a piece.

Childrens, I cannot emphasize how head-scratchingly SMALL my half-pizza was. It made me wish I had a food scale with me. It's Oakland, so some of you may carry scales around in your pockets, or whatever. Unfortunately, I was without this fine morning; it's difficult for me to imagine that it even weighed four ounces. To have felt like I'd eaten a meal, and not just the first three bites of a meal... I would have to order three or four portions of the Pizza and a two orders of Granola, minimum, respectively (not in total).

The service was polite, slightly timid on one hand, warm and solicitous on the other.

Since I ate with my hands, I went back to the loo to clean up. I entered one of the two unisex bathrooms and stared at an ominous-looking black commode and a cabinet. The mirror was propped up on the floor. I cannot imagine stooping down to touch up my make up in that poorly-configured [Disneyfied] grotto.

I had to exit the loo with dirty hands and use the most poorly imagineered hand washing station I've seen to date. It's a communal sink with industrial spigots overhead. The soap is powdered and mounted on a dispenser that's at knee-height, far to your right. Water bounced out of the shallow/flat basin and splashed all over me.

And did I mention, you're washing your bathroom hands immediately adjacent to the walkway that leads to the back of the kitchen (if you head straight back) and into the open kitchen area (if you stay to the right)...? There is a porthole labeled "TRASH" where you can actually throw the paper waste that you've used to dry your [ostensibly] now-clean bathroom hands into the BOH storage and prep area of the kitchen.

All flash for too much cash; Loring needs to re-portion the menu and man up to see this gal again.

I fucking love caramels but one surefire way to keep me from eating them is to market them as "lard caramels"

― "Bellini." (DJP), Wednesday, March 6, 2013 4:59 PM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this actually sounds awesome to me

this is worth a listen:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2012/01/06/144806987/the-friday-podcast-who-killed-lard

as a dude who is semi weight conscious but totally gym-phobic, controlling what I eat and in what proportion is the only thing keeping me from being the size of a house

These decadent pie-cramming, caramel-sucking confessionals are great! It's like Yelp got taken over by Hedonism Bot. More, I say! Ever more!

it felt like disco pants

Bookmark. Now.

Childrens... Hijos mios... Gather 'round and I will regale you with my recent sojourn to the most lovely neighborhood jugeria! I'll cross bridges and county lines just for a Diabolitos Shaved Ice here, I swear on my right kidney!

This past weekend, I attended a Buddhist ceremony at the marina, full of monks in saffron robes chanting sutras which culminated in the liberation of a few hundred fish, who returned to the sea. After standing in the cold wind for an hour, I was chilled to the bone and hungry!

The co-penguin circled several blocks of downtown, while I conferred with the Yelp Monocle and we jointly lamented the shortage of reliable breakfast joints. I chased a fleeting thought of sushi from my mind. We contemplated a large breakfast at a restaurant where we'd previously eaten with Mr. and Mrs. Computer Geek, which had its own parking lot - a bonus for the area.

El Mano de Dios surely reached down from El Cielo and urged us to make one more round, because we found ourselves parked in front of La Tia Tutti and a quick walk to a serviceable breakfast cafe. My neck swivel-snapped (*whi-chaaa!* I think that's a Tarantino-esque sound effect) eyes wide as I decided that after breakfast, I was going to go a second round *here* and Bookman concurred.

I should have done a more thorough inspection because tortas and homemade tamales are also on the menu! El proximo vez, papi... El proximo vez.

If you have never had champurrado, you are missing out. If you have never had champurrado HERE you have never had champurrado! It's la bebida mas sabrosa y caliente de chocolate y es... thick, comforting and un poco de sweet. No' too mush, yust a leetle beet. Ees fantasteek!

Had mi madre served champurrado for mi desayuno, I might have grown up to be a different person. I actually don't enjoy chocolate very much. I can appreciate it, but it's not something I crave, outright. No, not even then. Butter, yes. Bacon - all the time. Pero, chocolate? Eh.

Champurrado de Tia Tutti is a wonderful, warming, silky-smooth elixir of cocoa creaminess. It is my first choice in hot bev when I'm profoundly cold: skiing, outdoor sporting events, bitter weather - gimmee a 16 oz pour for $2 and I'm in heaven! I spoke with the Proprietress who shared her variation with me; I shan't share it here and I will still travel to her to imbibe.

I felt like I'd sipped a breakfast porridge. Not texturally, but psychologically. The drink is smooth as a newborn's nalgas, and despite the chocolate, not cloyingly sweet. Unlike other less substantial tummy-warmers, champurrado has body to it and will give you a very languid, cozy feeling.

Parents - this is the perfect treat to occupy the offspring. Just make sure to pour some into a smaller cup; it's really dense so it holds heat efficiently. Do a finger-stick test before handing it off and enjoy the rest, yourself. Seriously, you'll thank me.

Raspados. Shaved Ice, Mexican estilo.

My selection is the Speciality a Casa and is assembled with pride, as it should be. The refrigerated case holds a selection of syrupy fruit reductions a casa. The ice is ground to order; your cup shall runneth over. Ladles of tart, tangy, chili-infused, lip-smacking goodness come together with slices of fresh mango, cucumber and a big ol' boba straw that's been coated with fruit syrup and delicious mild chili (even I could enjoy it!) that is good for stirring, nibbling and slurping. Top it off with a slice of lime to squeeze over the top and you are set!

Por los gringos and the fairer peeps of San Rafael: Diabolitos is a style of raspado - chile sauce, chili powder, salt, and citrus juice. At most jugerias and helado places, you can order almost any flavor of ice [cream] 'diabolito' - with this treatment. Here, it refers to a particular offering, though you can get another fruit like mango, strawberry or cucumber with the treatment.

You can also have 16 oz of assorted fruit and vegetable blends juiced to order for around $5 which is a bargain. The staff are lovely, generous and effervescent - they are proud of their craft, their heritage, their language and were delighted when I spoke with them, not just to them. Making even the slightest effort with la idioma goes a long way in making you a MIP - Muy Importante Patron/a - so here is the correct way to say: Ras-PAH-tho (singular).

This is one of the places I want to visit with mi hermano in arms, Rossi H., who is beautiful and perfected in his enviable flaws and lyrical musings.

I grew up in Southern California. In a 5 BR house on a suburban cul-de-sac, but craving the vibrant zing and rhythms of my schoolmates. It was a privilege to sit at their tables and to partake from their kitchens, their hearts. At Tia's I feel like family already, after just one visit.

I know you will, too.

oh hey she craves zings

ILX is here to oblige

btw eat what you want but people who act like eating meat in restaurants makes them bold hunters are disgusting savages

she sounds excruciatingly similar to a close friend who is also a woman living in san francisco who hopefully does not yelp (not going to check). at least my friend stays on the right side of not adding an "s" to "children."

it was a privilege

thick, comforting and un poco de sweet. No' too mush, yust a leetle beet. Ees fantasteek!

fuck off actually

x-p
"It's Oakland, so some of you may carry scales around in your pockets, or whatever. "

All that and racist too!

*anxiously awaits shakey mo's take*

What was a vaguely Asian gal doing in East Oakland, two desperate, rainy weekends in a row?

*Sho-Chiku-Bai-bai...*
*Sho-Chiku-Bai-bai...*

That could be my Daytime Hooker Strut sound effect, but it's actually a mnemonic device I employ when running low on rice.

That must surely say something about how often I purchase rice - an occasion which, in this part of the 'hood it is forever associated with Daytime Hooker Sightings.

I sometimes choose to shop for basic Southeast Asian items here, because of the parking lot and proximity to a VN Sammich Shop/Deli That's Cash Only. Yes, of course Oakland's Chinatown has a larger selection of everything but is a lot more congested, and sometimes I just want to wander around and look at things *without* taking kidney shots from impatient senior citizens.

Yes, it smells funky in here - but all things considered, it's not bad: live seafood, iced invertebrates, and a tub of depressed frogs, "No for pet - only for eat!" plus a meat counter that stocks expansive offal...

Words I hope NEVER to hear: CLEAN UP, 3 & 4 - STINKY FISH SAUCE DEPARTMENT! The array of fermented fish sauces and pastes will boggle the mind and your other senses, should you choose to partake.

Sometimes you can find decent fruit - there are more fresh greens, plus pickled, preserved and canned produce though. That's why I regard this market as less than 'Super' and more of a Pantry Plus option.

Berkeley Farms Milk is shockingly inexpensive; their butter is more than $1 more per pound than Trader Joe's. You may also find a few cardboard rounds of Laughing Cow Cheese Product - if you a dairy buff, you will flatline here, as I have just listed their complete inventory. Three items. Unless you want to count sweetened condensed milk (canned or squeeze bottle).

If you don't speak any of the languages (one staffer said, 'No English. Chinese!') then be prepared to to ask strangers for help - some may actually volunteer - as has been my experience.

The refrigerated case also houses fresh noodles: rice, egg and wheat varieties, as well as dumpling wrappers, sweet, red Chinese sausage, Black cured pork belly, Salted duck legs, tofu and Vietnamese pate, headcheese and sausages. A cantankerous couple next to me, griped as they poked, prodded and squeezed different packages.

Him: What about these?
Her: I just don't trust this kind. (squeeze, squeeze) No, these are not trustworthy.
Him: I didn't know it was so complicated.
Her: (prod, prod) That kind will make you sick.

Me: Everything will make you sick if handled improperly... Or fondled by strangers!

In the upright freezer cases: Ice cream bars in 'Asian' flavors that Victor G. listed and other frozen confections; frozen DUMPLINGS!, imperial rolls (beware, most just contain lawn clippings). I like the black sesame DUMPLINGS! - but most of the time I make them and just slurp the filling out.

I also figured I could get a pretty bad-a$$ rice cooker on the cheap here, right? Oddly enough, they are not stored on the far right aisle with all of the other kitchen goods - they're on the far left, above the refrigerated produce (greens) and stacked really high. Like, you wouldn't want to be caught here during an earthquake, high.

And those things are expensive! I settled on a combination rice cooker, steamer, slow-cooker, which filled up an entire cart and Cadet had to carry to the parking lot. But it has a 3-year Warranty and has all manner of accessories and even a recipe booklet with colorful photos that I cannot read at all. As far as visual inspiration goes, it's been about 24 hours since my purchase, and I have no regrets!

The Crunchy Snack Aisle and Frozen Seafood Departments are the largest, really. I am guilty of buying Strawberry (per Cadet - tastes like Chapstick) and Durian (chemically... weird) 'Egg roll' cookies - which come in a cheerful, metal tin. I'd rather spring for the $37 French butter cookies next time; they're delicious!

Best if: (a) shopping with a friend who can help negotiate the aisles and the language; (b) wet markets don't freak you out; (c) you know how to make pho or bo kho and need ingredients; (d) you need dry goods, pantry items and are lactose intolerant.

The puzzling highlight of my recent forays: Free soda (well, 26 cents for CRV per 2L bottle) - With every purchase of $50 you get a 2L bottle of soda. They did have 7-Up, but the rest was eye-popping Shasta varieties: Fruit Punch, Orange and... Hello - Grape Drank!

Ah, well...

Cheers, dears!

lol DUMPLINGS!! does not look out of place at all

lol it really doesn't

I feel like if I ever met this woman in real life my face would melt a la the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark

i'm not defending this person with these posts on yelp per se but that's actually not terrible?

*sigh* what am i doing itt

I think it's easily the most defensible of the reviews I've posted

Her ELITE EVENT reviews are the best:

Got the Humpday or Workday blues? What better way to banish them, than an evening of pleY with your friendly neighborhood Yelper Elites?

Continuing to love the more engaged and interactive feel of the last 3 YEE's I've attended this year! While a grown up drink in hand is a nice way to relax, the entertainment, pleY stations and other amusements are conducive to mixing and mingling more!

Loved the location for Third Workplace - so convenient to BART - made it in record time and was free to enjoy a glass of wine from Domino without enlisting a DD! Cheers to Caro S. and Jessica H. who were decked out in DIY board game costumes: Mousetrap and Operation, respectively! I also spied with my little eye: Casey P., Amy S. and Valerie H. sporting their clever Y, L and P Scrabble tiles - 5 Star, creative East Bay Yelpers who are among the friendliest around!

Talked shop with Joel E., travel with Eric B. over a generous sampling of chocolates from Alter Eco - the Toffee and Quinoa made for a pleasant crunch and went nicely with my Cabernet Sauvignon. The giant Jenga game added a lot of intrigue and fun tension... All were in good spirits with generous pours from Ale Industries, and yes - I absolutely pocketed a pack of vitamins from Drinkwel.

The meeting rooms at Third Workplace are named after dogs - how adorable is that? I checked out several rollicking groups in the board[game] rooms with Jaydee B. and the famous Spinnaker. Even big ol' tough guys like Eugene L. like to say hello to little Spinnie!

I liked the layout, with sleek, modern workspaces and comfy alcoves that seemed perfect for hunkering down under deadline, whether you're a traveling corporate type, consultant or waiting for your sweet new office digs to be built. The succulents in the planters are a nice outdoors, indoor feature that soften the otherwise industrial feel of the space.

Given the square footage, I would hope there's actually a second unisex loo, because just the one seems lean for a place that offers unlimited coffee. Then again, there's a Starbucks just out the door, but still. Kidney-donor: Questioning.

Robin L. + Robin were a dynamic duo in Yelp-colored jerseys, a pair of shutterbugs snapping pics for the photo scavenger hunt, which was equal parts silly and fun! I couldn't get a shot of Bookman P. juggling Pop Chips, since he kept popping them into his mouth! They were light, crunchy and a lower sodium alternative to the snacks that usually get me in serious trouble. I recommend the Nacho Cheese kind for anyone who is watching their "bottom line" like I am.

I was delighted to chat with the Naked Juice folks again - I swigged four different blends and the Cadet actually wore his customized tee (Good Karma Ball swag) that very day! Thanks much for the SPF 15 lip balms - swagtastic souvenir that I always need and is sure to keep a healthy smile on my face. The Naked Juice crew are chipper, polite, considerate and generous. I'm really glad that they're going to be joining us at more events in the future.

So Happy and Yelpy in 2013

for someone who keeps saying she doesn't really like chocolate, she seems to eat a shit-ton of chocolate

YEE's

also what is a "Yelp-colored jersey"

also disgusting savages: Yelpers who use the words "sammiches," "sammies," or "sandos"

hm I had some amazing caramels from the Ferry Building in a glass jar (some friends even posted some over at Christmas cos I'd been raving about them so much <3) now I need to know if they were LARD CARAMELS
and dab them behind my ears

i figure every yelp party is like

http://www.bizbash.com/content/resource/ResourceImage/big/r8171098.jpg

yelp party harlem shake video

this woman weighs 500 pounds and no one will tell me different

ppl who avg over 200 words per review (min. 50) will never not strike me as sad, empty, lonely people on the verge of complete breakdown

appendaged to the bottom of her insightful review of a vegan mexican place:

*** ROSIE W. IN OAK: I have tried 2x to send you compliments, but get msg that says you've blocked me. Is that intentional? Sadly, The Hattrix ***

that vegan mexican place is amazing, btw. ps i am not vegan.

I wanted to savor every spoonful of sweet, creamy, buttery, salty, nutty, c

buttery biscuit bass

I wanted to savor every spoonful of sweet, creamy, buttery, salty, nutty resulting paste.

I was rollin' in the 'hood with Bookman.

stop doing this. you are not carrie bradshaw. he is not mr big. nobody cares about your relationship.

Fresh Orange Juice ($4) was squeezed per my order

all my senses were mesmerized by the symphony of sweet and savory; the delicate wrapper glistened with body-temperature porcine unctuousness

SFX: vomit noises

Pig grunting noises more appropriate, I'd think.

this v annoying guy i used to know is an elite yelper, ive just found out. he writes reviews of gas stations even. not even angry or glowing reviews, just mediocre reviews of gas stations. who does this?!!

thinking of staging a one man show entirely consisting of a dude reading these

Wow, way to make me feel awkward....

I walked in shortly after five on a Monday afternoon, hoping to get a quiet drink or two, maybe an appetizer, and get a feel for this place. I was there less than two minutes, but a feeling I certainly got...!

I was there long enough to see the interior layout. It's very "urban chic", with black and white photos, plenty of wood, ceramic, and stainless, and an attractive open kitchen.

Still, the single adjective that stands out most to me is "cramped". I opened the door and nearly walked into a couple conversing with the hostess (?), and the whole place looked like it should hold about 10% fewer people than they had seats for. Really, it's East Nashville, guys, not Manhattan. Anyhow, another employee said a quick "hello" to me, then asked my name. Being slightly disoriented, I told her my last name, but I couldn't imagine what good it would do her. She asked if I had a reservation, and I said no, still confused why a reservation might be necessary for a single person arriving at 5:10pm on a Monday afternoon.

Anyhow, I told her I'd never been in and asked about the seats ringing the kitchen. She told me they were reservation only, but pointed me to the bar, where, she said, seating was open. Alright, well, so far, pretty normal. . . .

The bar though had eleven seats in a tight squeeze that looks like it would be very cozy holding nine. There was one seat clearly holding a patron's purse, and another where it looked like someone had recently departed. I hopefully moved toward the bar, but found it incredibly difficult to navigate the small channels between the tables/bar/stools (I'm really not a big person!), and saw I was getting no help or attention from any of the patrons, the bartender, or the (hostess? manager?) who had originally spoken to me. Still, I probed at the area, hoping to get some indication that I would be able to use one of the two ostensibly open seats. After a moment or two of negative response, I turned (carefully!) for the door.

What I find most odd is that the same woman who had spoken to me upon entering (and assumed I had a reservation), said "ok, see you later" in a mildly condescending tone, with what I took to be an attitude that I should have known better than to dare come in at 5pm on a Monday with no reservation - The Horror!

It wouldn't have taken much to do a number of things that would have given me a MUCH better, so soooo essential, first impression: she could have apologized that I didn't see a place I liked; maybe asked me kindly to return some other time; she COULD have helped me to access one of the two clearly open seats; hell, she could have at the very least *SMILED* when she dismissed me out the door!

Eh, it all gave me a very sour feeling, and it's going to make it harder for me to start with a fresh slate ever I finally dine here, but I'll do my best.

Please, Lockeland Table, pleasepleasePUHleeee­eezze don't be like Pharmacy...we don't need another place to make fun of in this neighborhood.

he complains that he wasnt getting attention FROM THE PATRONS?

hell, she could have at the very least *SMILED* when she dismissed me out the door!

*SMILED*

Heh, and before *that* was the off-menu cocktail from their meister-bartender Matt T. Composed of Amantillado sherry, cynar, apple brandy, and touches of sweet vermouth, Islay scotch, and smoked sea salt, finished with a flamed orange peel, it tasted basically like a liquid version of crisp apple paired with the smoothest smoked gouda. Not to mention it had the effect of liquid crack. Holy craps, right? Can it get any better??

that drink sounds amazing fwiw