Homemade Jokes

what's the best part about letting casey anthony babysit for you?

she'll kill your kid.

Why did the American take his British date to an estate auction?

Because she told him she was turned on by heirless chests.

^ laughed!

that's great

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

why was 2 afraid of 1? because 187 on an undercover cop

those are both great!

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

― koogs, Wednesday, January 9, 2013 10:15 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

reminds me of a Steven Wright Joke: "I have HDADHD -- I have a lot of trouble concentrating, but when I do it's REALLY clear"

(am determined someone's going to laugh at this, cumbersome though it is.)

i see Disney are remaking their animated film about intelligent rats, updated so the rats have specialised knowledge of new battery technology, 'The Secret Of NiMH'.

(oh, it wasn't disney, but a bunch of disney animators who left and set up their own company)

I like the OCDC one a lot.

i like the nimh joke, especially since it actually relates back to the rats' use of electricity in the original.

What did Santa Claus say when he saw three hookers? "Ho ho ho"

-m p

that was a very bad attempt at a thumbs down emoticon

Perhaps you have not heard of Marvin Gaye's lesser known Jewish cousin, Moishe Gaye?

He scored a minor hit in the 1970s with "Inner Shtetl Blues (Makes Me Want a Challah)"

i was ()_() until "makes me wanna challah" and then i was IRL LOL

When Bruce Banner branched out into convenience foods, what did he call his potato side dish?

HULK'S MASH.

Was Lauren Laverne on the judging panel of American Idol?

No, it was just a Kenickie mirage

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein

simple yet great

So did you guys hear about the hamburger chain that had to close down because it was spending too much on the highest quality ingredients?

I guess the perfect was the enemy of the goodburger.

Q. Who is Guy Fieri's favorite rapper?

A. Entrée 3000

Q. What is Guy Fieri's favorite wrapper?

A. Snickers

Q. What is Paula Radcliffe's favorite wrapper?

A. Marathon

So I don't know if I've told you about my new career, but I've become a shoemaker to the stars. That's right, a shoemaker to the stars. For example, these boots were made for Walken.

brilliant

Q: Which Wu-Tang member is the greatest actor?
A: Method Man.

"Hey Corey, I'm gonna go to that yoga class, wanna come?"
"Nah, I'm-a stay."

I approve of that joke

I hope you remember it at your next group shavasana

I got into a terrible fight with my girlfriend. She was so angry at me that she ripped my sweater all the way down the front. But you know what, I don't mind, because love, love will tear us a cardigan.

That was great.

What did Captain Keef say when he saw the SS Bounty off the starboard bow?

"That's that ship I don't like"

What did the wookie order at the mexican restaurant?
A buRRRRRRRRito! (said by making a wookie sound instead of rolling your r's)

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Larry, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd you."

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Laura, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd ewe."

lol

mind blown

So, to boost morale, my philosophy department has decided to start having causal fridays.

How do you stop a german literature buff from choking?

Give them the heinrich mann oeuvre.

why was glenn gould always so busy?

because he had to play a lot of gigues.

high marks all

Why did Thom Yorke reject Liam Gallagher's donation of his own body parts for the school raffle?

Because Noel arms and nose are prizes, please

took me a while to get that one.

I'm writing an economic study about the workers at a chain hotdog stand in the UK.

It's called "The Welsh of Nathan's"

What was the gutter punk's favorite Steve Miller song

Fly like an oogle.

I dated a customs official once but in the end she had too much baggage.

i like it

You know, they say the gay rights movement started with the Stonewall Riots, but those are bullshit. Total false fag operation.