i don't know what to say. could you try lithium without the valium?
i mean, i came here to grouse about general malaise, but what you're going through sounds a lot rougher...
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 04:57 (eleven years ago) link
sunglasses otm
― your native bacon (mh), Monday, 27 August 2012 04:57 (eleven years ago) link
also: sorry about the rude reply to your "acceptance" thread a few days back, tlk. was feeling particularly bleak.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 04:59 (eleven years ago) link
haha i didn't see that
and i forgot about thread
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:04 (eleven years ago) link
ahahahaa that was a good one contendo
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:05 (eleven years ago) link
i'm wondering what were you locked up for? i have been there once due to drunkenness and arrogant angriness towards a policeman who tried to get me to cool down so i imagine it's nothing extreme and nothing to feel particularly bad about (other than embarrassed, i mean). this shit happens. it does not mean you are a bad guy or even a particularly messed up guy. all the best x
― jed_, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:05 (eleven years ago) link
i was in traffic trying to tell people important things i had figured out about time, physics, astrotravel, and the soul. the cops showed up and couldn't talk me down so they handcuffed me and took me to a jail for crazy people. i threw my iphone at one point, breaking it. and started cursing at the cops when they wouldn't let me TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THE TRUTH MAAAAAAAN.
i was not on any sort of drugs at the time, i was just, uh, being bipolar i guess.
xpost to contendo: it's true though, rage rage against the dying of the light, no surrender til death etc
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:07 (eleven years ago) link
it's seriously like some manchurian candidate shit, where i go away and a crazy person takes control of my body. and later i remember what i did but not what i was thinking or why it made sense to do it.
this happens only once every one or two years and i usually manage it better by going somewhere away from people (like camping, or a hospital) and riding it out
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:09 (eleven years ago) link
there was a very large part of it that had to with religion - i was very devout before college - and i don't remember that, except the other night i remember a tiny bit of it, and it made me weep, and then when i was done weeping i didn't remember it anymore
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:11 (eleven years ago) link
and later i remember what i did but not what i was thinking or why it made sense to do it.
i've been there. so many times.
― jed_, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:13 (eleven years ago) link
creeeeeepy
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:23 (eleven years ago) link
and scary thinking about a future where you could be 60 and unmarried and away from your family and just ... lose your shit?
i want to be sun ra, not moondogg :-(
I dunno if this is a stupid question but what would life look like on lithium vs what you are taking now? I mean, from growing up I knew it was a super hardcore thing to be on.
I don't have any experience in what you're dealing with LG, but I sure as hell feel for you, my friend
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 27 August 2012 05:45 (eleven years ago) link
xp
yeah, i get those sorts of anxieties, though i'm not prone to lapses like the ones you describe. i mean, i seem to be sliding towards actual homelessness, and i'm not sure i've got the psychological wherewithal to do anything about it.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 05:47 (eleven years ago) link
me too, man, for real
homelessness? why?
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 05:54 (eleven years ago) link
but what would life look like on lithium vs what you are taking now
lamictal + abilify + klonopin every day -> lithium + valium every day
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 06:14 (eleven years ago) link
or i guess we could try depakote + ativan first but those are weaker i think than lamictal + klonopin
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 06:19 (eleven years ago) link
all I know is to stick with the docs that know what they're doing and don't overload on the benzos. that shit can melt your brain, from what i've seen.
― your native bacon (mh), Monday, 27 August 2012 14:04 (eleven years ago) link
i seem to be sliding towards actual homelessness, and i'm not sure i've got the psychological wherewithal to do anything about it.
Boy oh boy do I identify with that. Pretty much exactly where I was last summer: I had quit my job and given up even trying to find another one. All I can suggest is, if you have someone who can help you out or take you in, swallow your pride and do what you have to do to prevent a short-term mindset from having long-term negative consequences on your life. I'm still not quite out of the hole that was dug by my (in)actions last year, but I'm on much more solid emotional ground.
― Old Lunch, Monday, 27 August 2012 14:25 (eleven years ago) link
yeah, i do have friends willing to help out, but i seem to be vanishing into a pit of indifference. i don't feel particularly bad; i just don't care about anything. it's sort of interesting to see what happens as i disengage. i realize that this is self-destructive behavior of a passive sort, but as my own motives seen opaque to me, it's hard to know how to change them.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 15:59 (eleven years ago) link
apathy is pretty much depression 101
― your native bacon (mh), Monday, 27 August 2012 16:02 (eleven years ago) link
yeah, i know. i started taking an SSRI abt a year ago, when the evidence of collapse became impossible to ignore, but it made me feel comatose and didn't seem to help anyway, so i quit after a few months. i'm not sure why i'm posting here, tbh, as i know what's happening and what i ought to do about it. see somebody, different meds, change my routine, get some air. i guess i'm just scared.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 16:10 (eleven years ago) link
scared is a good feeling? it's not total apathy.
― your native bacon (mh), Monday, 27 August 2012 16:18 (eleven years ago) link
yeah, true. fine line though.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 16:23 (eleven years ago) link
you may not recall but there is a story circa 2008 on ILX about me falling asleep at the wheel at six am after taking a klonopin at midnight, i missed a cyclist by about 5 yards before i drove off the road
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 17:03 (eleven years ago) link
xpost
I really don't think it is that fine a line. I spent most of last year feeling utterly apathetic about the idea of my continued existence and basically convinced that nothing (up to and including taking care of myself) had any point. The point when I started feeling fear again (i.e. the point when I started seeing some tiny pinprick of meaning in life) was the point when I started healing. Hope, in whatever form it manifests, is a big deal.
― Old Lunch, Monday, 27 August 2012 17:03 (eleven years ago) link
yes, hope is key
― the late great, Monday, 27 August 2012 17:04 (eleven years ago) link
yeah, that's probably true. as well as feeling panicky, i'm exercising more and actually looking for work again, so it has to be a good thing. and thanks, all.
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Monday, 27 August 2012 17:06 (eleven years ago) link
"Do not make best friends with a melancholy sad soul. They always are heavily loaded, and you must bear half." --Francois Fenelon
My mother said this (not as eloquent though).
Funny how depression/instability/*nerves* has at one point made me skinny and now fat. lololol
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Monday, 27 August 2012 20:50 (eleven years ago) link
My comorbidity is flaring up again. I need to stop following politics but I can cuz im addicted.
Yoga seems to help, tho
― Fiendish Doctor Wu (kingfish), Tuesday, 28 August 2012 01:07 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.avclub.com/articles/new-study-proves-music-is-more-depressing-now-than,84296/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=avclub_rss_daily
― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Tuesday, 28 August 2012 01:48 (eleven years ago) link
let's not be depressed about depressing other people, let's not feel awful about feeling awful, i think all human relations have the potential to be positive, you just got to know where to cut and run
do not make best friends with a chicken soup soul either
― the late great, Tuesday, 28 August 2012 02:31 (eleven years ago) link
there's a difference between making friends with depressive people and making friends with negative people. i know depressives who are optimists and "happy" people who are always complaining.
― choom gangnam style (get bent), Tuesday, 28 August 2012 02:43 (eleven years ago) link
in any case the depressed don't need to be shunned and have their lives made even worse by that sort of social ostracizing for their suffering
― Nhex, Tuesday, 28 August 2012 02:58 (eleven years ago) link
oh i think they can take care of that end on their own
― j., Tuesday, 28 August 2012 03:09 (eleven years ago) link
Seriously. People don't even need that douchebag quote. Most people tend that way anyway, treating heavy-heartedness like a communicable disease. I'm right there with whoever said the heavy-hearted often (although certainly not always) go out of their way to not burden others with their shit.
― Old Lunch, Tuesday, 28 August 2012 03:14 (eleven years ago) link
negative people are a trip but i don't read that and think negative people
i have friends who are definitely depressed *and* negative but i have plenty of friends who manage not to be negative, depressed or no.
maybe that quote just comes from the era where people who needed help didn't get help ... UH like my negative friends!!!
corollary: don't be yr depressed friend's therapist
― the late great, Tuesday, 28 August 2012 03:36 (eleven years ago) link
my soul feels dead and I kind of want to stab it a few times more just to make sure
― It is a car of sincerity. How to know your car? That is secret (sunny successor), Wednesday, 29 August 2012 18:28 (eleven years ago) link
sry sunny, but you should probably not do that
― i know your nuts hurt! who's laughing? (contenderizer), Wednesday, 29 August 2012 18:34 (eleven years ago) link
What if you stab it and it's still alive and just in a coma? That could end badly. You should try asking it to blink twice for yes, once for no, before you do anything drastic.
― check the name, no caps, boom, i'm (Laurel), Wednesday, 29 August 2012 18:36 (eleven years ago) link
oh sunny :( souls are lazy feckers sometimes it may need a bump start and some hot wires or something
― just one little Tayto (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 August 2012 19:30 (eleven years ago) link
http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm209/cdkutz/STAB.gif
― the late great, Wednesday, 29 August 2012 21:10 (eleven years ago) link
l/r : sunny, the id
― the late great, Wednesday, 29 August 2012 21:11 (eleven years ago) link
perfect
― It is a car of sincerity. How to know your car? That is secret (sunny successor), Wednesday, 29 August 2012 21:18 (eleven years ago) link
or superego depending on ur problems
― the late great, Wednesday, 29 August 2012 21:19 (eleven years ago) link
i have post job application depression. i submitted for a 6 month contract at a place i worked before that i know has a terrible commute for me, but it's steady work with the opportunity to move up the ladder. now i feel shitty because i told the recruiter i was interested, when i was gonna tell him i wasn't interested, because of the commute. i have trouble with being (a) assertive (b) realistic.
― arvo peart (get bent), Tuesday, 4 September 2012 23:51 (eleven years ago) link
found a b3ck depression inventory test online and scored a 43 - Extreme Depression, the highest category. makes sense. i've been living with this since i was a kid, so i guess i never noticed ... not much to compare it to. also never had thoughts of killing myself and always thought that's what depression was.
whelp, at least there's a reason instead of "i was born cursed and deserve to live in inescapable hell."
― Spectrum, Wednesday, 5 September 2012 00:47 (eleven years ago) link