Depression and what it's really like

Maybe they are advertising a mobility-enhancing robot exoskeleton.

I was doing ok for a few days and just crashed hard today- just can't stop beating myself up over letting social phobia and depression take away not just college but now pretty much my entire 20s, and horrified at the thought of going to therapy (again) or on meds (again) when that's all I've been doing since age 12 or so and it's gotten me absolutely nothing beyond the basic ability to make eye contact for up to two seconds at a time without crying. Being told that after a few years of therapy I might be able to be feel comfortable around other people just kind of makes me want to die. I mean, what's the point now?

Oh god, eye contact is the worst. That and being around people. I live in New York, and am nowhere near being able to afford living on my own, and don't know anyone, so I have to live with craigslist randos, and I can't tell you how much I hate not being able to pee or go to the fridge or really anything without having to deal with someone else.

I'm sorry TT, this shit is incredibly rough. Are there people around that care about you? Maybe just do it (trying to get better, I mean) for them, and later in the process you can figure out how to do it for yourself.

One thing I'm learning is that, while I keep thinking "why should I get better when I can just stagnate and not have to go through all that shit?" that's not really an option. Doing nothing isn't a neutral thing, it just makes your day to day worse and worse. Unfortunately (at least I tend to think it's unfortunate, I'm sure the starry-eyed optimists think it's awesome) stasis isn't actually an option; things only get better or worse.

Also (and I'm incredibly guilty of thinking otherwise myself), we're actually very young, and nowhere near any point of no return. Even if it does take years of therapy (which seems like a discouraging, worst-case-scenario thing to say), whole new lives can start in, doing the rough math, your early 30's.

I don't know if any of this helps, it doesn't often when similar things are said to me, but I hope you feel better.

en i see kay perhaps you should have beers with the greater nyc ilx group sometime. i mean, we're people, but largely decent ones.

I'd be down for that. As long as no one gets stoned and talks *at* me for 15 minutes about how some guy is out of their league, you'll have one up on my roommate.

Do you know, in all this time I didn't realize you were RIGHT HERE. How COULD you??

No guilt, no guilt. I'm just saying.

i can promise to refrain from eye contact/getting stoned, though i obviously can't speak for others

Cripes tt, you sound just like me. It fucking blows BLOWSSSS ... it's like being dead while alive, but worse because you're living with excruciating torture everyday. Only recently shit's turning around for me, but it took a critical moment where I said "fuck it, I don't care what I gotta do, I'm fixing this shit." Cuz that's the only way... it's inevitable if you want to live life, but it's worth it when everyday becomes more and more bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable. But goddamn it's hard to do, especially on your own. There's no other way, though, but it's totally possible to get better. /hooray!

Because I'm an awful, terrible person, oh my god, I am so sorry, I always do this, etc.

xxpost

Listen, sorry, I'm kind of overbearing. The thing is we already know about your anxiety, right? So you can just have a beer and not talk, and we can mostly leave you alone if that's what you want, but at least you'll be out with people who know something about you? And still invited your company. That seems worthwhile?

Nah, I'd be up for that, and I appreciate the offer. Thanks!

You can meet iatee. I mean just think! An ilx legend.

man I want to meet iatee

I would like to meet p much any ilxors

that too

I don't know... see, I lived in the suburbs this one time... I was only house sitting for a friend, I swear.

i'm sure he'll be okay as long as you've understood your mistake lol

aaaaaaggghhh So I slept until 6 pm today. Was secretly relieved that it was 100 degrees outside so I could follow my natural inclination to stay in and do nothing. Around dusk finally decided to leave the house, only to feel, five minutes in, that my lungs were being crushed and I was going to die. I managed to make it to the package store a block away. Kind of hilariously used the brown bag on the walk home to keep from hyperventilating. Now back home on the internet. Life sucks right now.

Brown bags have many uses.

yep. I feel like I'm never gonna be able to do normal activities ever again. Too numb and distressed to even cry, which would be a relief. (Maybe at first...I've had crying jags in the past, and after awhile that really doesn't feel good either.)

I would like to meet p much any ilxors

― he bit me (it felt like a diss) (m bison),

Read this as "I would like to meet-punch any ilxors" and thought it a bit too aggresive for the thread.

devastating new variation on the meet-cute

vegemitegirl.. meditation is a great idea.

Really? I found it to be pretty much useless for combating anxiety. I open my eyes, and the fear and dread is back within a minute.

Meditate somewhere away from home maybe?

I've tried that. Doesn't work.

flying carpet? :)

I'd love one...you can cast spells from 'em, after all, not like a griffin or a pegasus....

Problem is, I've been walled off emotionally from the outside world for so long that my moods now almost never have anything to do with what's going on around me.

(This includes lots of things, actually. I've never vomited or even felt nauseated from bad smells or the like. I don't smile or laugh when I think things are funny, I just think, "That's funny." Things like this scare me.)

Some days I wish there was some kind of evil bureaucracy i could go to, like the one in Soylent Green. Or at the very least, the murder booths in Futurama. We're supposed to be living in the future, dammit.

I feel like I've been telling myself "Tomorrow!" or "Next week!" for at least ten years now.

went to see a psychiatric nurse yesterday for an assessment and had a really good and sensible discussion. the upshot was that "hey, you've been in a very not good drinking cycle for the last 25 years and until you put that right no amount of therapy or meds is gonna make you better"

as one of ilx's most obvious problem boozers it's not like i didn't know that i had issues that way, but i've always found (pitiful) excuses to not deal with it - telling myself it was a symptom not a cause, telling myself cos i don't roll out of bed in the morning and grab a bedside bottle of rum the problem wasn't that bad, any amount of fairly obvious bullshit excuse-making i guess

but having it laid out so clear to me - i cannot change, i will not shake off the depression, until i stop getting amnesiac drunk twice a week - finally made sense. the penny's taken an inordinate amount of time to drop.

i'm crap at clinging to the wagon, i know i've publically renounced and failed a hundred times. almost all of my social life is tied into getting drunk. i feel like i'm staring into an oncoming bereavement. but i also finally think i have a purpose. if i want to have a shot at changing any of the stuff that ruins my head i have to start with the obvious and change how i drink. totally change it.

so if it's okay guys i might reach out to y'all here a lot and be more pathetic than ever sometimes cos i know it's gonna be the rockiest road and this is my best venting spot. but at least i have the semblance of a plan. no drunkeness may not equal no depression but there's always gonna be depression as long as there's drunkeness. how long did it take you to work that one out you stupid, stupid git?

it's been fun but hey, maybe not that much fun.

that sounds like an important step

ime the difference between heavy social drinkers and chronic alcoholics who hide whisky bottles in every available nook and probably cranny too, is that the latter at least know they are evading the problem even if they can't do much about it

almost all of my social life is tied into getting drunk = this is why i have become more of an antisocial drinker, a bottle of wine at home vs a bottle of wine to summon sociability, then the same again

hey noodle if im ever up north, we should go for a non alcoholic beverage and talk about disappointing football teams or something :D

cool. i need to do a london-y Fancy A Not-pint at some stage too

good luck NV. want to say something corny about being proud of you but I won't so instead *handshake*

All right. Now we're getting somewhere.

best of luck NV

thanks folks.

think we all know this will have its first crash by the weekend but i am working to a plan. and the aim isn't to teetotal it, it's to stay sober and enjoy the occasional glass of wine or beer. just may have to avoid the occasional glass early on until i've learned some proper self-control skillz.

Good luck, NV -- I'm glad this thread is here for you to use whenever and however needed.

Good luck, NV. I am not looking forward to eventually confronting my own substance abuse issues. Hugs to you.

High five, NV. Have you looked into Moderation Management?

well done, NV, best of luck

yeah, good luck mr vague, seriously rooting for you here

vegemitegirl.. meditation is a great idea.

― alpha farticles

Do other people really find it helpful? I find myself brooding on my issues to a degree that I'm sure can't be healthy. Although I may well be doing it wrong.

I can not sit still and think about nothing. Telling me to meditate is the same as telling me to watch a sunset without blinking.

the way I hear it the idea isn't to be able to think about nothing right away. it's to sit with your thoughts, have your thoughts, accept that they are your thoughts, then let them pass along. idk I have only tried a couple times.

It takes practice and effort to actually be able to do it. To me, that's the point.