one month on.the big question : how long is it when i no longer see my wife die everytime i close my eyesits ripping me to pieces.cant remember any of the good stuff due to the sheer intensity of the last 12 months.this shit really hurts.think i need to see someone and get some advise on how to deal with this which is not easy given that on the surface all appears ok ..
― mark e, Saturday, 26 May 2012 21:58 (11 months ago) Permalink
Mark, I'm sorry for your loss and I sympathize deeply (although I could never understand exactly what you're going through).
I thought I was just coming back home to support my mom while my dad was in hospital with a sudden downturn related to his chemo treatments, when in fact I managed to get into town and to the hospital just in time to actually watch my dad die. It's a horrible thing to experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As I mentioned upthread, this was almost two years ago and I'm still shaken by it. The best advice I can give: seek a grief counselor, or any kind of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Someone who you (or your insurance) are paying to be there on a regular basis to listen to you. As helpful as friends can be as a shoulder to cry on, they might not be there when you need them to be or as much as you need them to be. It's important to remember that some people feel more helpless than others with respect to helping you cope with such a huge weight and also that this isn't a weight you should expect anyone in particular to help you shoulder if that person isn't a professional.
All I can tell you with any certainty is that when I was confronted with tragedy (my dad's death was only one of a number of deaths and heavy events that transpired over the course of several months), I tried the "shaking it off" method for as long as I could, pressing forward and hoping that day-to-day life would take my mind off of it. It only worked for so long, and I completely turfed out after I stopped seeing my psychiatrist at the time. I'm only starting to get back on track now, two years later, so I think it's really important that you take care of yourself now and continue taking care of yourself for as long as it takes until you are well. And possibly quite a bit after you think you're well. Most importantly, though, don't try to carry the weight yourself.
― Quiet Desperation, LLC (Deric W. Haircare), Sunday, 27 May 2012 00:01 (11 months ago) Permalink
Ohhhh, and thank you, Erica, I didn't see your post yesterday. As evidenced by my most recent post, it really was and has continued to be a pretty rough road. And my dad and I didn't even particularly get on that well. You just never know how it's gonna hit you until it hits you.
― Quiet Desperation, LLC (Deric W. Haircare), Sunday, 27 May 2012 01:00 (11 months ago) Permalink
― mark e, Sunday, 27 May 2012 08:17 (11 months ago) Permalink
went to my gp today.
she toyed with the idea of upping the dosage of my anti-deps, but i resisted that.however, i will be referred to the relevant people to talk about my issues around the death, to try and help me get to the next stage.best thing = my gp telling me that this shit can take a while to get over, and she will help out in anyway she can.i.e. ongoing sick notes.as getting a call at 9:30am on friday morning from my boss (2 weeks to the day after i buried my wife, 4 weeks to the day after she had died), asking where i was as my official sick leave ran out on the day before.
him : "HR have organised a meeting for you this afternoon" me : " i aint going to be there"
not the most helpful of attitudes.
so hearing someone tell me that they can swing, and that my boss will just have to wait for me to get over this was a massive boost that i needed.
― mark e, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 20:53 (11 months ago) Permalink
That's great to hear. A lot of people are really dense when it comes to the grief of others.
― Quiet Desperation, LLC (Deric W. Haircare), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 20:59 (11 months ago) Permalink
deric (of the most amazing facial hair !) : that seems to have become very apparent in recent days.
old school macho attitude british seems to be at the fore - 'stiff upper lip', and all that crap.
head of HR = wife of high ranking bloke in the forces therefore one suspecst has a more clinical/cold 'tude towards dealing with death.
problem is that i'm not of that type of breeding.
this is the first time i have had to go through such an experience (and hopefully the last), and given certain aspects of the death, i'm struggling to reconcile various issues (all appears ok to the outside world as i have to function on a day to day basis for the Lads, but this stuff goes way deeper than being able to do the ironing).
― mark e, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 21:16 (11 months ago) Permalink
my feeling is when you go through something like this, work may as well be another planet. Like, if you're a person who needs to throw themselves into work to cope, that's one thing...but yeah, I would feel no guilt at all for thinking your boss can sodd off and cope without you for a while.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 21:20 (11 months ago) Permalink
"my feeling is when you go through something like this, work may as well be another planet. Like, if you're a person who needs to throw themselves into work to cope, that's one thing...but yeah, I would feel no guilt at all for thinking your boss can sodd off and cope without you for a while.
indeed * 1000
yesterday i was walking to school to pick up small and one of the mums asked me re returning to work.
my answer : 'i couldn't give a shit re work'
to which after a moment of raised eyebrows, she eventually answered : 'well there's your new priorities'
which summed it all up for me ..
― mark e, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 21:26 (11 months ago) Permalink
but it's like, this is your *life*. it's right to feel all those messy feelings and emotions and sadness...how could you not. I think onlookers just have a sort of weird shelf-life for empathy, where they're sympathetic for a week or two and then they just don't want those tendrils of sadness in their life anymore so they want to shove you back into your normal routine so they don't have to talk about it. maybe not as blunt as all that, but something like it.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 21:32 (11 months ago) Permalink
they're sympathetic for a week or two and then they just don't want those tendrils of sadness in their life anymore so they want to shove you back into your normal routine so they don't have to talk about it.
ringo bingo to the power of infinity.
― mark e, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 21:36 (11 months ago) Permalink
i've been thinking about you a lot. i'm very sorry for what you've lost but also for what you have to go through next. it's going to be difficult and it might take a long time and i really hope you've got kind people in your life who will keep loving you and accepting you no matter how angry and sad and mean you get at times. one of my good friends lost her husband suddenly five years ago and had a terrible time of it but she is finally happy again and is amazed to be because for ages and ages she thought her grief would never end. meanwhile, other people's lives were continuing as usual and they didn't have to work incredibly hard to just get through a day and yet some of them were horribly judgmental.
― estela, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:11 (11 months ago) Permalink
but she is finally happy again and is amazed to be because for ages and ages she thought her grief would never end.
i rarely open up on ilx, but this thread has been a vital resource in recent times.
thank you all.
― mark e, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:14 (11 months ago) Permalink
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:19 (11 months ago) Permalink
and estela otm.
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:20 (11 months ago) Permalink
mark, I am so sorry.
― carl agatha, Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:34 (11 months ago) Permalink
Hey Mark, I've got nothing particularly useful to say, but just wanted to wish you all the strength for soldiering on for however long it takes to get through to the other side.
― You can do it Sun Myung Moon (NickB), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 22:44 (11 months ago) Permalink
Hi Mark -- I want to offer my thoughts to you too. Strength is hard to come by in people, and I admire what I see of it in you. Fuck cancer.
― game of crones (La Lechera), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 23:12 (11 months ago) Permalink
mark, I can't imagine what you're going through, but i'm thinking of you, and i'm glad your gp is supportive.
― dethklok piccalo (c sharp major), Tuesday, 29 May 2012 23:14 (11 months ago) Permalink
i just found out that a friend i hadn't talked to in years and years just died of cancer. he was a real joker and had strong attractive teeth. iirc he's the first person my own age who i've known to die of a disease (rather than accident/od/suicide/other). sucks. RIP, man.
― game of crones (La Lechera), Monday, 18 June 2012 00:05 (11 months ago) Permalink
I'm sorry to hear about your friend La Lechera. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer two years ago. She beat it with two surgeries and chemo. Unfortunately, we recently learned that it has metastasized to her bones. Since we caught the initial cancer so late, I'm a big believer in the Canary Foundation's emphasis on early detection. I'm hopeful for new technologies advancing early detection. But until we get there, I'd just like to join the chorus here on ILX and say FUCK CANCER.
― Eccsame the Photon Guys (Sufjan Grafton), Sunday, 28 October 2012 06:28 (6 months ago) Permalink
I can't call Indiana. Radiation either worked or it didn't on Oct. 31. And I'm too much of a coward to call and ask. Girlfriend knows something is up. I'm just defeated, and I don't know what to do but shout it into the abyss of the internet.
― Eccsame the Photon Guys (Sufjan Grafton), Sunday, 11 November 2012 05:09 (6 months ago) Permalink
I know what I should do. I should call.
Yes. Yes you should. Whatever you hear, whatever the news, you should call. We're holding you up, we're right here, always. recognizing the fear doesn't make you a coward, it makes you human.
― Jaq, Sunday, 11 November 2012 05:20 (6 months ago) Permalink
on the day this thread gets revived, i find out that the husband of one of my cousins with whom i have had no contact in 20+ years has fought the good fight re surgery etc, and yet like with my wife, the evil lump is back, and so now they have to decide whether to fight more, or accept their fate.
to make matters worse, the family has 3 young children, one of whom is totally a 'daddys girl'.
also, i found out that an elderly aunt of mine who has also been fighting this fucking evil, now has been advised that the lump has moved into her back.
which experience tells me, things will not improve as this was the beginning of the end for my wife, and she too has to decide on the next stage.
she is frail, and relatively elderly, so its not an easy choice to make.
in other news .. i went back to work a few weeks ago, albeit on a very part time basis, and i have to say that both my boss and HR have been absolutely fantastic.
i could not wish for a more understanding set up that i now have.
as for you new folks to the thread, my heart goes out to you ...
fuck cancer. fuck cancer. fuck cancer.
― mark e, Sunday, 11 November 2012 19:34 (6 months ago) Permalink
I hope you called, Sufjan.
Mark, I'm really glad to hear that work have been so understanding. You must feel really besieged, hearing about these further cases of cancer around you.
― of course you end up shazaming yourself (c sharp major), Monday, 12 November 2012 00:49 (6 months ago) Permalink
Ditto that. I know you were under some stress/apprehension earlier that yr work weren't being all that acommodating to your situation/feelings, so its good thats changed :)
― Una Stubbs' Tears (Trayce), Monday, 12 November 2012 01:52 (6 months ago) Permalink
fuck you cancer.fuck you fuck you fuck you.how many lives ruined.how many children are missing people they love due this evil fucking disease.i thought i was coping, but today, on the day i should be celebrating 21 happy years of marriage, i need to curse long and hard at the fucking evil shit that has been given the name 'cancer'.fuck you.
― mark e, Wednesday, 5 December 2012 20:54 (5 months ago) Permalink
― ω (carne asada), Wednesday, 5 December 2012 21:01 (5 months ago) Permalink
Today I went to visit my grandmother, who lost her husband (my grandfather duh) to cancer not even a year ago. She had broken her arm and was in hospital. They had done various tests apparently. So they found a lump. A big lump in her kidney. Monday we'll know more. But seeing she lost quite a lot of weight and broke an arm... Y'know what it could mean seeing I am posting it on this thread. God damn it. This has not been a good year. Not at all.
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Thursday, 6 December 2012 19:41 (5 months ago) Permalink
But on the other hand, she's in her 80s. You have to take that into perspective.
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Thursday, 6 December 2012 19:42 (5 months ago) Permalink
sorry nathalie :(
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 6 December 2012 19:43 (5 months ago) Permalink
Ah, she was never a good grandmother. She was a very shitty, abusive mother. An alcoholic. Wonder if that had an impact? Probably not? But y'know I saw her a lot since my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years back. (He was an abusive father too.)
Man, I have had one fucked up year. (And fucked up family too. lol)
But it still sucks y'know.
I feel very sorry for my aunt who has had to do most of the shit. My father being in Japan and my uncle being a shit family member.
Still crying. Fuck.
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Thursday, 6 December 2012 19:48 (5 months ago) Permalink
Mark, Nath - thinking about you and hoping that '13 is better for you and yours.
― that mustardless plate (Bill A), Thursday, 6 December 2012 22:14 (5 months ago) Permalink
Can I just say Fuck MS and Leukodystrophy on here? They are not cancer but just as fucking horrible. My wife had a lumbar puncture the other day to determine whether she has MS or the more destructive Luekodystrophy due to "extensive white matter lesions on her brain, quite striking for an MS sufferer of 6 years". If it is adult onset Leukodystrophy the doctor has told her it will be a more rapid decline in motor/cognitive function than MS. She is currently housebound and can only walk a few steps at a time before she falls or needs to sit down. She is constantly suffering from tiredness, vision problems, headaches and depression. She is still home educating our son who has autism, onset tourette's and epilepsy. I know this sounds like a very unhappy household, but we have a good time and it is a lot better than it sounds! I just get so fucking angry sometimes that a mother who has fought so hard for our disabled son. She has fought countless battles for him and worked so hard on his speech and language problems and then she gets hit with this shit. Anyone on this thread that have been hit any terminal disease as a sufferer or a partner to a sufferer or family - I feel your pain and wish you all the best.
― Damo Suzuki's Parrot, Friday, 7 December 2012 00:26 (5 months ago) Permalink
Damo, obviously you can say fuck MS and Leukodystrophy. I wish you and your family the best as well.
― We Got Hasheem (Sufjan Grafton), Friday, 7 December 2012 05:48 (5 months ago) Permalink
yeah damo, go for it. I'm so sorry about yr wife, that's so rough. My sister in law was diagnosed with MS last year, I def sympathize.
― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 7 December 2012 06:04 (5 months ago) Permalink
i have a line manager and a boss.over the last 18 months they have both been brilliant re my situation.
anyway, this week i returned to work after taking the festive season off.then a couple of hours ago the boss (who rarely talks to me personally), asked to see me in an office.after the basic chit chat, he then tells me that he has terminal cancer (primary = bowel, secondary = liver), with a matter of months to live.this man is my age, 44, the healthiest person i know (diet, fitness freak etc), and has 2 v. young children (one is 3, and the other a few months).he wanted to tell me the full story as opposed to the official line that he has announced to the company i.e. he is going to be cured by the chemo. i guess so he could talk openly about his situation with me.this is a good good man and once again, this evil fucking shit is going to destroy a happy little family.
i'm fucking gutted for him and his gang.
and to think i had tried to start 2013 afresh with a whole new outlook ..
― mark e, Thursday, 10 January 2013 14:50 (4 months ago) Permalink
― saltwater incursion (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 10 January 2013 14:53 (4 months ago) Permalink
cheers, dr m, but no apologies needed for me
its just another case of how fucked up life and this evil shit is.
[he also revealed to me that he had read my blog - which must have been tuff for him as it kinda mentions stuff from the other side of the situation i.e. the surviving partner]
also, morbs genuinely hoping your experience goes well this year ...
― mark e, Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:00 (4 months ago) Permalink
Oh shit. Keep an eye on yourself Mark, this sounds like it could be pretty rough for you
― impound the alarm (NickB), Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:24 (4 months ago) Permalink
What do you tell your boss? Having gone through what you went through, mark, what would you tell anyone facing the same thing?
― pplains, Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:25 (4 months ago) Permalink
well, thats a whole story unto itself isn't it.i started saying certain things, and then stopped as i thought this is too much for him.so, i said that if his wife wants to chat to me and ask me anything at anytime, then i'm there for her.of course, i suspect that she, like me, will be in a form of denial, and not wanting to face up to the reality .. as for my boss - he is a very controlled, precise character. he is all about project management .. flow charts etc and seems to be approaching this in the same manner.needs to know everything, but yes, i did stop from saying certain things ... but he wants to have everything sorted out before the end game kicks in, and was asking what needs to be done to make things easier for his wife ..
― mark e, Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:38 (4 months ago) Permalink
why is he still working?
― things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:39 (4 months ago) Permalink
he isn't.he came in today to tell the team ... suspect that will be it bar the odd pop in session ...
― mark e, Thursday, 10 January 2013 15:41 (4 months ago) Permalink
this sounds like it could be pretty rough for you
as per the usual way things work for me, this has proven to be correct ...
i hate delayed reactions like this ...
― mark e, Thursday, 10 January 2013 18:26 (4 months ago) Permalink
Oi, never dreamed I'd post to this.
A friend (in her 50s) had cancer before I really knew her, in 1999, and it'd been gone for years, only to come back in 2011. Prognosis was mixed at the onset and we were never really sure what her chances were, but we knew it was going to be rough.
I wouldn't pretend to put this in the same category as situations above, as having immediate family members or having it yourself is far worse. But, it may sound weird, but even at 32 yrs old, I've not had a friend pass away before, and certainly not of cancer. And while I hadn't been in close contact with this person in quite some time, we were a part of the same Caroling Company and I just saw her the day before my birthday, and she looked a bit emaciated, but, for the first time, also felt defeated, and couldn't pretend to put a positive spin on it.
I just got word from my best friend today (who was much closer to her, as he's been in this company with her for years) that she's likely not going to be around much longer, because it has spread to her brain.
I'm still having trouble processing it, I'm feeling guilt for not having visited her in the hospital prior, and although I've been doing my usual thing where I suppress all emotion since I'm afraid of feeling any kind of emotional pain, I've not been able to. This is just horrible.
― NINO CARTER, Monday, 14 January 2013 18:15 (4 months ago) Permalink
soon to be mother-in-law fighting stg 4 gallbladder cancer for over a year and she has been doing ok all things considered. she just want to be able to enjoy her daughters wedding but at this point we are not even sure what state she will be in next month. she was at here treatment today and complained about her hip hurting her and they nonchalantly say "oh it might have spread to the bones" FUCK THIS SHIT FOR REAL. i'm so fucking angry right now , i swear i may punch someone in this office if they fuck with me today.
― ω (carne asada), Wednesday, 16 January 2013 21:34 (4 months ago) Permalink
― ω (carne asada), Wednesday, 30 January 2013 21:51 (3 months ago) Permalink
oh no .. :(
― mark e, Wednesday, 30 January 2013 23:00 (3 months ago) Permalink