Depression and what it's really like

my temp job right now is enough busywork that i can lose myself in it throughout the day, but i come home so fried that all i want to do is sleep. then, inevitably, i can't--so i stare at the ceiling for hours instead, and that's when things get darker than i ought to let them.

doesn't help that the activist community i'm a part of, upon which i've relied for support emotional and otherwise through the last 7 months, is especially fractious of late (and that, even if they weren't, i'm too broke to ride the train to see them).

i owe the federal government several thousand dollars in taxes. not sure where i'll get the money. the nightmare that i'll have to move back to texas (into my fucking mother's house, without a vehicle or money) sometime this summer for lack of job opportunities is becoming increasingly real.

i recognize some of the contours of this darkness as merely chemical, and others as the product of undesirable circumstances; it's the combination of the two that's getting me down especially, and has my thoughts going unusually amiss. debt, solipsism, insomnia, fear, and alcoholism make for a helluva cocktail on top of my "legacy" brain chemistry concerns.

we'll see what comes of it.

i think i'm covered under my dad's insurance until my birthday in august, q

alcohol is a depressant, of course

and i should know

hoos we need to meet up for a coffee ASAP

ride it out, hoos...hopefully there'll be a change around the corner for you soon

virtual hugs are virtually useless I know but (hug)

Let me just say, HOOS, that I empathize deeply with some of the particulars of your situation. It sucks to be in the center of that cyclone (which I'm just starting to really inch my way out of), but the best you can do is put your head down and just push forward, one foot in front of the other, knowing that things can get better.

my totally cliché advice: 1. baby steps and 2. focusing on things you can do atm that could make you feel better

^^^^

last week i was seriously considering going to the beach by the port and just walking into the water and just ending all this bullshit.

a week later - some things still really hurt, but i'm more or less ok.

please no one walk into the ocean

yeah i mean, really realest talk, there've been some "well what if i just packed all my stuff and left appropriate instructional notes on my affairs to make it really easy for people" moments

i was never convinced that the key bridge was high enough tbh

I always wanted to go the Spalding Gray way, but with a twist: have my frozen corpse wash up on the edge of the East River and a group of homeless men would drag it out to their camp and use my body like the American Indians did with the buffalo. So that's sort-of like organ donation and charity wrapped into one.

Seriously, though, things get better no matter how shitty they seem now. I'm still dragging my ass out of the abyss, but things are definitely better now than a year ago with focused work. The only immediate relief I've ever found: regular exercise and meditation.

dudes, come visit boston soon -- also, fb message if you want to talk

When I'm depressed, what works for me, as soon as I can find the mental energy to do it, is to do something physical that takes me somewhere. Like running or cycling. Then I come home, shower, pick up a few things in my room... and bam. It's a little better. Just the little bit I need to keep going until everything gets better.

Hoos! I am only a random internet dude, BUT, if you ever want to have a depressive commiseration night, I'm only a webmail and an Acela ride (on my part) away.

Hoos, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. From what you wrote, it is obvious that there are elements of your current life and immediate prospects that are clearly undesirable -- and we both know that desire/undesire is the nexus of a great source of unhappiness.

Drinking may not be bad in itself, but it may be hindering your doing what you need to do atm.

Of all that you said, the fact that you are not easily able to connect with your friends and support network that is probably a large factor in your heaviness of heart. I'd recommend you put whatever effort you can into solving that one. Maybe they could come your direction. Y'know... if a Hoos can't go to the mountain, let the mountain come to a Hoos.

I wish you luck at unravelling these knots. Patience and effort go a long way. All the best.

P.S. Talk to the feds. They may choose to sip your blood in small sips.

lol that you said "talk to the feds" and my first reaction was "but i didn't do anything"

thanks everyone for the ear and the good thoughts. they're appreciated. i'll figure this mess out.

I am in a rather MAD DARK period right now. Somehow I feel I will never shake this depression off. Ah well. C'est la vie (noire).

doesn't help that the activist community i'm a part of, upon which i've relied for support emotional and otherwise through the last 7 months, is especially fractious of late (and that, even if they weren't, i'm too broke to ride the train to see them).

Hey Hoos, another random Internetter here! From what I remember in the other OWS threads, you're DC, right? Before throwing in the towel and heading back to Tejas (or, god forbid, "getting your final affairs in order"), you should give OWS NYC a chance. We're fractured over here, too, but one of the nicest things about May Day seeing how many non-NYCers, after 7 months, have stuck around despite losing basically everything they had (shelter + food + diversion at Zuccotti), and I think that's more due to strong living/emotional support system more than anything. Still not sure if/when we'll find a new 24-hr space; but, if we do, and you're feeling risky, there's a ton of empathetic, committed protesters here who'd love to have a good person such as yourself in the mix!

Either way, if you have access to the meds you need, stay on top of that. Just know that, even if they don't talk about it, debt/taxes/shitty job are really common problems for normal people, and they're manageable with time/patience. Even if you feel like your personal life feels irrevocably fucked, I promise you that it's not. Good luck, Hoos!

heading back to Tejas (or, god forbid, "getting your final affairs in order")

Six of one, half a dozen of the other...

hoos i can put about £12 towards yr taxes.

^^ brilliant idea.

why not set up an account on PayPal, hoos? You have a deep well of goodwill here on ilx, and all that OWS work you did was unpaid. About time you were paid ten cents an hour for your activism.

it generally takes the IRS at least a year before they do stuff like impose liens and levies on your accounts. They will send letters. Lots of letters.

wepay.com imo, fuck a paypal

also from what I have read on the Internet it is best to be proactive about explaining your predicaments to the IRS, it will help stop additional fines from piling up.

giving hug to hoos and anyone else who needs one

To a small extent, the IRS can recognize the difference between unwillingness to pay and inability to pay.

also from what I have read on the Internet it is best to be proactive about explaining your predicaments to the IRS, it will help stop additional fines from piling up.

not really, if you've filed on time and have a balance due and haven't paid it by the deadline, you will still have the same failure to file penalties and interest no matter what. If you contact the IRS, they will probably try to get you to set up an official payment plan with the IRS, but then you will be locked into that schedule and if you don't adhere to it --- more penalties and interest!

er, that should be "failure to pay" penalties, not "failure to file", duh.

Awwww, see?! He's nice, really.

Hoos - the visitors are still here so I may be tied up this weekend but you message me and/or call any time you need to. I will try to check in with you later tonight.

"Awwww, see?! He's nice, really.

― wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, May 4, 2012 4:06 PM (34 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink"

dammit x-posts - that was about Morbius, not Hoos.

what I'm trying to say is -- take care of your immediate needs first, and then when you have a job and extra money, then deal with the IRS.

My dad has been dead for a while and even though he was sick, I miss him so much. I'm not getting a lot of sympathy, we did everything together! I am fighting with my mom (they were separated) and I got sick and didn't mow her lawn...my family is so mean! None of this is endogenous, so medications aren't helping. I beat myself up over not being able to get over dad.

It's all right to take your time feeling this stuff. I didn't get along at all well with my dad, and his death was a much bigger blow than I ever expected it to be. It's going on two years now and I'm still pretty shaken about that (literally watching him die really didn't help matters). Not to mention the almost half a dozen other people I lost around the same time. I'm just starting to come around to feeling like life might actually be a thing worth putting some work into rather than waiting around for the inevitable. It was a long slog getting to this point, though. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

hey mount cleaners, i've found bereavement groups to be pretty helpful. also i don't know if 'getting over' is really a thing. i've been alive longer without my dad than i was with my dad, and it's still painful, and i often bristle at the idea that because it's been so long, i should be "over" the loss in some way. but bereavement groups have helped me to feel less alone (or even if you have a friend who has suffered a similar loss & would want to talk about it with them). depending on the nature of the loss you can probably start looking for groups in your area (eg, if it was cancer, you can get in touch with cancer clinics/resources, and they will probably be able to lead you in the right direction)

I actually went to those bereavement groups and I don't want to criticize them, but inevitably everyone there has worse problems than you, like mothers who lost children, and you feel like a whiner for losing an elderly parent. I don't feel this way though: it shouldn't matter how old or sick the deceased is. Maybe I'll try again.

But I do feel guilty about discussing losing a sick dad around people who, like, lost a son in a car crash or some similar untimely tragedy.

Thats true--depending on where you are, you may be able to find one specifically for those who have lost a parent, which is the kind I have been to. Several in the group have tried more generalized groups but have come to prefer the more specific grps...

Oh and of course such groups can only do so much, but I've found them helpful. Everyone has different ways of processing grief so it just may not be the thing for you. The advice above allowing yourself to grieve is good and also not caving to social pressure to be okay with it when you are not. Advice I wish I had gotten is that it's not your responsibly to make people feel more comfortable w your grief and that your grief is totally legitimate. Just my unsolicited advice...

I'm frustrated because my church has a drug / alcohol group, as if everyone who has problems is an alcoholic.

Well, fuck. I'm concerned that I'm really heading towards a major depression right now and its super frustrating because a) I am in therapy and at least talking to someone about it, but b) it feels like I'm sliding into it no matter how hard I try to reverse course or work through things I've learned are helpful for me. Also c) objectively, there is no reason I should be depressed, I mean, there are no major traumas in my life and right now I've got this wonderful little boy that I am thrilled to spend time with.

But I also fear that my joy being around my son is sort of amplifying the other areas in my life that are sort of dragging me down. And, although I'm in therapy, I literally have no one else to talk about these things with - y'know, not even like a work friend to shoot the shit with or anyone to reach out to during that long week between therapy sessions. Its super frustrating because I don't want to feel this way at all, but every morning I wake up more sad than the previous. Fuck.

/emo

Yeah, man, isolation is a quick route to depressionville. I'd advise maybe finding someplace where parents and kids can mingle? I'm not sure what that would be, though, as I've never had to seek anything like that out.

Yeah, I don't know, my hardest times seem to be the work week between times I get to do things like that. I think it mainly comes down to the fact that I really don't have anyone at work that I can talk about non-work things with (I spend all my lunch hours eating by myself) and with no friends I'm in regular, close contact with - my options to kind of get some of this stuff off my chest are limited.

I don't know if you're a single parent, but the Chicago Single Parents Network sounds like something that might suit your needs?

Yeah, that's pretty much why I've decided that I'm probably not gonna do another office job. Even if I have to take a pay cut, I've realized it's important to me that I work in a more social environment where it's almost a challenge to be isolated.

hiding in the house with the phones unplugged :(

Definitely not a single parent, sorry, didn't mean to leave that impression. Its just that our schedules right now aren't allowing my wife and I to spend much time together.

Also c) objectively, there is no reason I should be depressed, I mean, there are no major traumas in my life and right now I've got this wonderful little boy that I am thrilled to spend time with.

Keep in mind that you could be on top of the fuckin' world and still be depressed if your brain isn't allowing it. You wouldn't hear a guy with one leg say, "I shouldn't be hopping around like this when I've got this great car."