JOKES

This is one my boyfriend told me...

Boyfriend: How does Hitler tie his shoes?
Me: I don't know...he makes someone do it for him?
Boyfriend: No!! Into little Nazis!!

my god it's so stupid

Has anyone else looked through oldjewstellingjokes.com ?

This is such a great, non-frivolous, and well-assembled thing to use the internet for -- some of the longer story-type jokes are just terrific. (Cf "Drobkin" and "The Pope")

awesome

why did the coastguard fail to save the drowning hippie?

cos he was too far out

When's the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty

How do you change a lightbulb in Vietnam?

YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU WEREN'T THERE!

haha wtf

How do you make an octopus laugh?

something to do with tentacles

something to do with ten tickles

― doing my Objectives, handling some intense stuff (LocalGarda)

^Changed

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.

I see there are a lot of new faces here this week, and I have to say I'm very disappointed.

Di you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog?

I saw my doctor yesterday. He told me I was at death's door, but not to worry, because he'd pull me through.

^My dad's favorite joke after he reached age 80.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Oh never mind. There's no point.

Why do landlords hate cats?

They won't stop going "mao"

“Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.”

A man is on a train journey and he sees a beautiful woman in the dining car. He consults with the conductor and finds out that they're bunking in the same sleeping car. He runs back there and gets into bed to wait for her.

She arrives, turns the lights down and begins to undress. She takes off her dress and she's got a false leg, which she unsnaps and puts under the bed. Then she pulls off her wig, takes out false teeth, and finally pops out a glass eye before sliding under the covers. As she does so, she spots the man goggling in amazement/horror from the other side of the room, and snaps, "What do you want?"

He says, "You know what I want - take it off and throw it over here!"

What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?

INSIDE JOKES!!!

Three beekeepers are chatting at a beekeeper convention.

The first one says "I've not been in the business long, got ten hives, about 100,000 bees, sold five thousand jars of honey last year."

The second beekeeper says "I'm pretty well established now, thirty hives, half a million bees, I average about thirty thousand jars a year."

The third guy says "You people seem over resourced. I've got five million bees, one hive."

The first two beekeepers look at the third incredulously. "How the hell do you keep five million bees in one hive?" asks one of them.

The third beekeeper shrugs and says "fuck 'em".

What kind of jokes are you still allowed to tell during lockdown?

INSIDE JOKES!!!

Best knock knock joke I've heard in a while

Who's there?
To
To who?
To *whom*

Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."
"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."
"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"
"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."
Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."
"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."

I came home tonight, and my wife said, "I made pizza, and I also cooked ahead".
I replied, "I don't want to eat a head!?"

(I'm vegan)

My wife and I were talking about vacations
She said she wants to go somewhere she’s never been before
I said how about the kitchen?
- dangerfield

If i had my way that wasp record joke wouldve stayed in its sleeve