Unemployed Watercooler Fridge Buzz Commiseration, Alienation and Mental Anti-Stagnation Society (DNRIYHM)

Oh. This is relevant this morning:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/mar/13/why-the-world-needs-introverts

I should probably find a better thread to link it on, though.

Dear MB,

no, you're not going nuts just yet. This is your subconscious speaking. Here is a picture of Thom Yorke's hair doing something absolutely ~adorable~ while he fiddles with his guitar pedals, and also a Jazzmaster. Because I know how much you love Jazzmasters.

http://i.imgur.com/HLlve.jpg

The GrannyPanny trees are budding and almost in bloom, there's a new art exhibit at the library with a local artist you could be supporting, that new pub on the high street has DOOM BAR on tap, maybe you could go and sit in there and ink your sketches while drinking it, instead of moaning that you're not in Cornwall doing exactly the same thing.

Who wants a pint of Doom Bar? I do, even if you're too busy eating worms. Hell, I'll drink the Doom Bar, you draw the worms. Deal?

I was looking through the lots on an online auction house website (a real one, not ebay I mean).

The sort that has "a box of 40 LPs, to contain 2 Hendrix, 4 beatles, etc" type thing.

Anyway, I tried searching "Guitar".. bad idea.

For the rest of the day, I was like "OOH, I want one of those! And that one! And that one!"

Of course, I bid/bought nowt.

Our Alice was in an in-school 'bragging' session with some boy about how many guitars they had in their respective houses. So, we had a think-thought about it and realised we had 13.

One Bass, 4 solid body 6-strings, 2 semi-accs, 2 acoustics, 1 12-string, 2 ukes and I can't remember the last one.

That's not too shabby for a dormant musician.

I remember now, it's another semi-acc, it's made from what feels like matchbox-wood, it sounds awful in an awesome way, but looks hella-cool.

I wish I could still play guitar. It makes my wrist hurt too much, though. :-(

It doesn't stop me from wanting them when I see them, though.

http://lot-images.atgmedia.com/SR/10623/2852614/103-20123618026_468x382.jpg

This is where you get to tell me "don't worry, they're really bad guitars actually"

(limiting myself to one pic only)

Who cares if they're bad guitars if they look like that?

I bet all the strings go instantly out of tune the moment you even touch the whammy bar, though. My monstro cheapo was like that.

i think MB needs to listen to doom metal, its what it was invented for!

Um, I know it's like, your favourite music of all time, but I really fail to see how listening to music I don't really like will make me anything but more miserable? :-P

One of my friends on twitter told me to switch my RH playlist for Lindstrom and see if I cheer up, and it actually seems to be working, I'm feeling more relaxed already.

(That said, I don't actually find RH depressing when I'm already down, and not even because of the power of feeling less alone when you listen to sad music when you're sad. But I don't listen to RH because it's sad or miserable or doom-y, but because it's all about resisting the sadness and the doom and the nothingness and all the bad things, which actually really makes it really positive in an odd, whiney sort of way. Which is not a vibe I ever get from doom metal, sorry, no offense if you like it and all.)

Anyway, I'm feeling more like this at the moment.

http://creativereview.co.uk/images/uploads/2012/02/fight_the_nothingness_0_0.jpg

rain-stained brutalism, and all.

never found radiohead,smiths or joy division or anything like that depressing. its uplifting happy music!

see, there's your problem right there. You listen to happy music!!! ;)

Joy Division *is* depressing as fuck, actually. It's the sheer relentlessness of it. But that's why there's Joy Division and New Order.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doom_metal

it quite clearly states there masonic boom should be making it with lots of hawkwind swooshy noises

Those men are all as ugly as dogs (and to be honest, dogs are insulted by the comparison!)

Why would I want to involve myself with a genre of music where the men are so unattractive! At least Radiohead have the consideration to be remotely sexy, despite the occasional tragic haircuts (and ponytails.)

Now I'm off to listen to Pablo Honey and laugh myself sick, and none of you can stop me.

The new pub (which is called Pratts & Payne, LOL Streatham) is AWESOME. It's too nice for Streatham, it will be taken away. It has nice beer, and it has good music. It will not be allowed to stay.

That said, I had a horrible scary moment sitting there drinking my real ale, that I thought I had actually started to like Neil Young. ARGH.

Came home, put on After The Goldrush, phew, I still hate Neil Young, all is still right in the world.

It's a lovely pub, though.

p.s. what is the best version of ATG, or will this be a harder choice than Silver Dagger? I don't think the answer is Dolly Parton this time, though.

WANT.

http://images.travelpod.com/users/coastpath/1.1273262213.hedghog-ice-cream.jpg

I know I'm talking to myself here, but I might as well carry on.

That thing - that gulf between 1) the thoughts and processes of what is going on in your own head, and why you are doing the things you are doing, and 2) how your actions are perceived and interpreted by others - that thing is killing me lately.

When I come up out of a nosedive, and look at the things that were going on and it's hard to believe that two different people could have such different perspectives on the same events. And yet, at the time, and even afterwards, it seems almost impossible to stop the crash from happening, as it's playing out. And you're just looking at this wreckage, going "but neither of us wanted this, so how did we end up with it?"

It's maddening, but also, mainly it's just saddening.

I'm kind of obsessed with talking about communication, because I'm so bad at it. But I suppose it's easier to learn Cornish than it is to learn to communicate properly.

How is everyone today? ILX seems like it's in a bit of a rut, there don't seem to be any threads about anything I find that interesting, and maybe everyone's as bored as I am, or maybe it's just a lull, or maybe I just don't have any interests any more? How are you all feeling. Is anyone even reading this except me?

I'm tracking a handful of threads on ILX in desultory sort of way, but trying to resist posting anything other than the occasional flip comment as work really is backing up around here and I can just about get away with reading while I'm on a conf call, but not posting.

I think the education thread is quite interesting, but it's mostly about American education afaict, so nothing for me to contribute.

Yeah, threads on the American education system are slightly interesting to me, because I spent most of my education in the American system. But not really that relevant (though, granted, I'm kind of scared of how the UK system might be headed that way.) It's not just a to-MAY-to to-MAH-to level difference, I guess it does reveal deep differences.

I suppose I'm just bored because lack of money (and therefore lack of internet access to properly listen to things) is keeping me off music threads, which would normally provide my ILX reading material.

I thought the avant-guard thread was going to go somewhere interesting, too, but it seems to have petered out prematurely. I think I almost hate when that happens more than I hate a clusterfuck.

Oh dear, meta. Posting on ILX about posting on ILX, I think my boredom really has eaten itself and I should go back to reading my book. But it's a depressing and upsetting political tome and I think I'm avoiding finishing it.

Grab another book?

I hate abandoning a book halfway through! Even if I don't like it. (And it's not that I don't like it, it's a very good and necessary book - it's just that it is incredibly bleak and at the same time, I don't want to be reading something this depressing when I'm having depressio issues to start with - but I am also aware of my staggering lack of knowledge when it comes to political subjects, and fear that throwing up my hands and saying "this is too depressing" is Part of The Problem WRT politics.)

The other books I have available to me in the reading pile are: Misogyny, The World's Oldest Prejudice (will be depressio), In Search of P.D. Ouspensky (diverting mystical shit, but I like the author from his other works) and The Icarus Girl, which I know nothing about, but I liked the name, but it also looks like it might be depressio.

Maybe I should just go back to the library and get some more inconsequential reading material.

ARGH I hate listening to Spotify on my home connection, it's just impossible, it times out ever 30 seconds, why do I even bother?

Spotify is great but what is wrong with your internet connection? You're not still using a dongle are you??

Yes I am, and I should really sort it out but I can't deal with dealing with any more contracts and companies.

yes i understand that. Thankfully my dad deals with all that

In other news, I just got "Alpinisms" in the chuck-in box in Fopp, £2

Bit dusty, no innersleeve/book, but hey.

Asking me to give up worrying is like asking me to give up breathing. I can learn to modify or control it, but it's never going to stop, it's not in my nature.

Well, you can change. That's what you need to realize. I decided to lay my worries *aside*. So for long times I just decide not to think about the financial woes (not checking bank account...). My husband advised me. And it works. But of course that is another thing: the problems are now outside my head.

Anyway, it's okay. We will manage. :-)

That said, I have a headache. I need to go for a long walk. hihi.

Like I said, I can learn to change, and modify/control, but expecting it to just *stop* is completely unrealistic, unattainable, and will set me up for failure, and the self-beating-up that said failure could provoke. There is no such thing as a life without worry. But there are ways of dealing with worry so that it does not become overwhelming.

It's about managing and controlling emotion, rather than either succumbing to it, or having unrealistic expectations of the limits of one's brain's abilities.

I guess maybe your "stop checking the bank account" should be my "stop looking at that forum where the terrible misunderstandings exploded" - that's the kind of thing one can divert.

Rather than letting the worry consume me to the point where I couldn't even concentrate on my homework.

Long walks are good, though, I highly recommend them.

I have finally, on about my third attempt, succeeded in getting the new Grimes album off the 4AD site. Which means that half of ILM will now hate me, but hey, I really like it. Also, it was 5/8s of the price it was going for on iTunes. Sheesh, I am starting to really hate that thing.

what is Grimes?

Canadian electronic music school geek girl much beloved on the "post-Knife music" thread, who signed to 4AD and became a bit too trendy with the P4K crowd to go down well on ILM.

Also, speaking of Canadian music school geeks, tonight after Cornish class, I am going to going to the Barbican to hear O-Pal, late of this parish. That should be entertaining. Seeing ILX0rs as actual human beings - especially up onstage and doing stuff, as opposed to text based user names - is always a bit of a mind fuck.

ahh i cant stand stuff like the knife and that kind of thing ilm jizzes over

xp

yeah i bet it is.

OH GOD THERE IS A SPECIAL CIRCLE OF HELL RESERVED FOR CV WRITERS.

I have just used the word "spearheaded" as a verb. I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.

Getting out all those billion buck bang CV words like "facilitated" and "enabling users" and "assessing user needs and delivering data solutions" and I'm tempted to throw in a "maths-speaking and fridge-buzzing modes available" quote to see what FDs are paying attention.

KILL ME. KIILL ME NOW. I HATE UPDATING MY CV SO MUCH, I SOUND LIKE SUCH CORPWANK ON PAPER.

MIDDLE CLASS CV WANK IS TOTALLY A BARRIER TO ENTRY. GIVE US A JOB. READMIT ME TO THE MIDDLE CLASSES NOW. DELIVER ME FROM TESCOS ARRGGGHGHGHGHGH

"Works well individually and as part of a team"

This statement is compulsory on any CV, Lighthouse keeper or not.

I would never put that on my CV. Ever. I mean, there's padding and corporate wankspeak, but I am never going to outright lie on a CV.

Actually, it's not that much of a lie any more, I was totally a team-player at my last job. It was just that our team's favourite activities consisted of muttering darkly about the stupidity of the directors, moaning about the manager of the call centre and downloading Radiohead remixes. We had great team spirit! Though sharing complete pessimism and black humour.

That's the best kind!

I reckon The Monkees would have hated each other, had it not been for the management dicking them around at every oppo.

Is it really wrong that I totally want to live here?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/gallery/2012/mar/21/trading-up-trading-down-properties#/?picture=387611837&index=4

It's that lighthouse thing, it's that whole "other people are just too much to deal with" fantasy, isn't it? Also, I don't think you could get internet there, which would probably be a good thing, right? Ho hum.

The most depressing thing about applying for jobs right now is realising how far "the market" and technology slid away from me while I spent 3 years treading water in that last job.

Like, how I haven't even *heard* of some of the latest developments ~in my industry~ and that is totally my fault because I should have been keeping up with it. I mean, yeah, it was demoralising working there because it was a daily struggle trying to get them to do *anything* on the database (3 years convincing them they should do basic data cleansing!) so after a couple of years, I stopped even trying to push new things on them. And I didn't want to hear about new toys because I knew I'd never get to play with them.

Part of it's real insecurity of "am I even in the right field because I don't freaking *care* about new technology any more" - like I could get the job done with excel and some SQL script writing so what do the bells and whistles really matter? Shovelling data is shovelling data, why should I care what it's done with. But there's this sense that I should care, and I should keep up - and I just didn't, in that job because I hated the industry and didn't want to do anything to help them.

And just ARGH, this is why I've been putting off looking for a new job for nearly two months, because it's so confidence-shredding just doing it. I should care about ~my career~ and I just don't, it's just something I do, not something I get excited about?

But I don't even know if this not-caring-about-work is a real thing, or part of the general anhedonia of not caring about *anything* right now.

Boo hoo, life sucks, shut up and deal, etc.

All these jobs, and I can't see why anyone would want to hire me. If I can't see why anyone would want to hire me, why on earth would the recruiter?

I should open the council tax bill that came yesterday, that should give me some motivation to look more... motivated-ly. But it doesn't, it just makes me think "what the fuck am I doing this all *for*?" And there is no answer to that.

There are no answers, I'm talking to myself, and that's even more depressing than not talking at all.

You'll feel better, I think, once you've settled into the job hunt. Having a set of small job-related goals to accomplish every day can produce its own motivation.

One of my real problems with work-motivation right now is that I find it so hard to shift my brain from work to personal interests and vice versa. I have to work literally every day, otherwise I forget why work is worth caring about. Orson Welles said that the reason he worked so much is that he was secretly incredibly lazy - if he wasn't always working, he would never do anything. That's me.

What do you mean by work every day, though? Because if I "worked" every day my head would figuratively explode, but that's because I have such a delineation between "work" (meaning databases and crap) and "personal interests" meaning drawing and writing and stuff, and I supposed I could say, it helps to work every day meaning I do drawing or writing every day, but the idea of doing database stuff every day would be completely intolerable.

ARGH.

Anyway, I just had my first phoner interview / CV talkthrough. Which was nervewracking, just because it's been so long. That "why did you leave your last job?" question is an absolute nerve-wracker. I wish my heart wouldn't lurch in my chest when I try to answer that one, it is just heart-rate off the chart and adrenaline response, even as I'm admitting "this is awkward" and trying to explain. I suppose this will get easier with practice, but right now it's completely flummoxing. Not to let that one throw me.

fuck unemployment

i run out of money in a month. i've got a contract job set up in may that'll cover my rent through the summer and buy me two more months to find full time work, but there'll be a gap where i'm short to pay rent in may. as it stands now i'm looking to do gig work through april that i'm hoping will fill out the coffers enough, but if worse comes to worse i may ask 3-4 people for a small loan that cumulatively should cover me til i can pay back a week or so later.

the state of VA won't give me unemployment bcz my previous job didn't deduct anything for it, so i've never paid in, so they won't give me any. and of course i'm near 2 years out of texas, where i paid into unemployment. so that's not an option.

and i'm not pretty enough to bartend.

ugh.

Goodness! An American! You're up early! And welcome.

This is where I count myself v v lucky, in that I planned this for such a long time, and I'm really privileged that I was able to accumulate savings. I need to remind myself of that, that it could be a lot worse.

I hope that something comes through for you to fill in the gap, I know it's the most frustrating feeling in the world "I will have something in a couple of weeks, but I need to pay the rent *now*!!!" and not falling into debt because of it.

What is "gig work"? Is that contracting?

I was lucky too, I've been unemployed for 2 months now and have been making it fine, but I only had 3 months worth put away. I'd have put away more if I'd known I'd need it, of course (low rent & high pay meant that two weeks notice would have been two months rent!) but I got no notice at my last job at all. It was literally "we've decided we no longer require your services, and today will be your last day."

When I say "gig work" I just mean one-off jobs: ghostwriting, transcription, short-term content creation, that sort of thing, that would earn me enough with what's still set aside to cover May. Alternately I can ask a parent each, a friend, and my lady friend to band up and cover me til that first check comes in. Split four ways my rent isn't so bad at all.

This May gig will only be a month, but it'll cover me through to September. If I still haven't found something by late July I'm even considering hotel jobs, which is a nightmarish and sad thought given that I resigned a management spot 3 years ago resolved never to go back. But such is the deal. I've had 4 interviews, all four of which I felt quite good about, but they've all turned me down for reasons that remain a mystery to me.

Also I'm not so much up early as up late--the sleep schedule has gradually shifted over the last month to keep me in bed later in the day and keep me up til longer and longer in the night. I should probably do something about that.

That always happens when you're unemployed, though, doesn't it? Your sleep schedule shifts to what is actually more "natural" for you. I've actually been getting up earlier and earlier because my huge windows and poor coverings let so much light in. I was up at 7, which is distinctly odd.

Can you turn that "gig work" into a steady drip? Chasing freelance stuff like that is a pain in the arse, but if you can get it to land regularly, that can turn into something which covers a lot of holes. Or is chasing it as much of a full time job as looking for "proper" work?

Two months is not actually that long a time, at least in my experience - how long did it take to find a job last time? I totally know that panic feeling, when you're down to your last chunk of money - but that's exactly when something usually turns up.

That no-notice thing, that sucks though, that really is a kick in the teeth. (I gave no notice, but I quit on payday.) But if you can get clear to September - that's ages, that gives you loads of time. It will be alright!

Two months isn't so long, you're right, but given DC's unemployment numbers (and the experience of a couple of friends) I thought I'd be back at it a month ago. Last time I was unemployed it took about two and a half months to find something, and it just makes me wish I had one more month's savings put away to take the stress off.

I always wish I had another month's savings. And another. But - in my experience only - it's that last push of desperation that makes me actually go the extra mile that finds something.

That said, that was how I ended up in my last job, and we all know how badly that turned out, so perhaps that isn't the greatest course to follow.