― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 16:55 (1 year ago) Permalink
Troubles suck. I'm sorry.
― Masonic Boom, Tuesday, 13 March 2012 20:57 (1 year ago) Permalink
Today in utter solipsism, I've realised that my problem is not "the internet" - my problem is that I'm completely incompetent, both as a human being, and at human communication. So I'm just going to give up. I'm not sure what that entails.
― Masonic Boom, Tuesday, 13 March 2012 20:59 (1 year ago) Permalink
Giving up worrying about it might be good. Giving up communicating not so much! Don't!
― Also unknown as Zora (Surfing At Work), Tuesday, 13 March 2012 21:27 (1 year ago) Permalink
Asking me to give up worrying is like asking me to give up breathing. I can learn to modify or control it, but it's never going to stop, it's not in my nature.
The communication thing... I'm just trying to think of a way to express this that isn't all "oh woe is me" or (oh noes) read by someone as passive aggressive in some way. It's just...
The internet sucks. It's full of awful, horrible YouTube Commenters just looking to tear someone else down to assuage their boredom for 30 seconds. They're everywhere. And it wears me down, so much, dealing with that. Joining a music forum to talk about music, and being YouTubeCommented to death. And then finally finding a forum which isn't full of YTCs, and they don't want *me*. When even the people "defending" you are saying "I don't like her, either, but she's got a right to be here." OK, I get it. You want me to go, I'll go.
I'm clearly so bad at this, why am I even trying? And get back to ILX and it's going through one of its paroxysms of meta and just more "oh my god, you are the worst person ever" and even if you say "yes, I am the worst person ever, but I've been here 10 years and you haven't, so I will clearly mark everything I am involved with SO I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING EASY TO AVOID if you hate the kind of thing I do" and even that is just more evidence of why you are so bad and should be hated even more and pile on more of the crap that makes you defensive and anxious in the first place.
Like, what do you expect me to do? Disappear? I wish I could. If I could push a button and make me go away, I'd do it. That button doesn't exist.
This stuff hurts, and I wish it didn't, but I don't know a way to make it stop hurting.
Loneliness is just the most *pointless* emotion. I don't even understand why it exists.
OK, well, it's obvious why it does exist - because human beings are social animals, and we evolved loneliness to keep us in tribes the same way we evolved physical pain to keep us from accidentally putting our fingers in fires.
But in a post nuclear-family, atomised social landscape, no, really, what *is* the fucking point of loneliness?
Please don't tell me I'm depressed and I should go and see a doctor. I'm not depressed, what I am is incredibly lonely, and rather bored, to the point where my mind is eating itself. I just can't find a point. And it's not a physical problem, it's a problem of disconnection. And I can't see the point of reconnecting at the moment, because I can't seem to find anything I care enough about to reconnect over. There is no club that will have me as a member, and it's become too painful to try, over and again. I'm clearly so *shit* at communicating. Or maybe I'm such an awful person that everything I communicate is as bad as people seem to think it is. I don't know.
I should start writing another novel, or go to some local meetings of something. Or even start looking for a job again. (It's kind of a curse that I've saved so much money because I don't *have* to look for a job immediately, of course, I have decided to put off that particular load of depressing rejection for as long as I can.) I just can't find it in me to want to do anything except lie in bed or sometimes walk through woods.
Sorry this is so long and emo. If that offends you, you didn't have to read it. I kinda had to type it, or I felt my head would explode.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 10:14 (1 year ago) Permalink
I know; I am sorry I am such a downer.
I should get a livejournal or a shrink or just learn how to STFU and take it and not bleed my pain all over everyone else, it's not fair and no one wants it.
This is also a large part of the reason that most people dislike me.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 10:26 (1 year ago) Permalink
Oh. This is relevant this morning:
I should probably find a better thread to link it on, though.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 10:51 (1 year ago) Permalink
no, you're not going nuts just yet. This is your subconscious speaking. Here is a picture of Thom Yorke's hair doing something absolutely ~adorable~ while he fiddles with his guitar pedals, and also a Jazzmaster. Because I know how much you love Jazzmasters.
The GrannyPanny trees are budding and almost in bloom, there's a new art exhibit at the library with a local artist you could be supporting, that new pub on the high street has DOOM BAR on tap, maybe you could go and sit in there and ink your sketches while drinking it, instead of moaning that you're not in Cornwall doing exactly the same thing.
Who wants a pint of Doom Bar? I do, even if you're too busy eating worms. Hell, I'll drink the Doom Bar, you draw the worms. Deal?
― ...I KERNOW BECAUSE YOU DO (White Chocolate Cheesecake), Wednesday, 14 March 2012 12:59 (1 year ago) Permalink
I was looking through the lots on an online auction house website (a real one, not ebay I mean).
The sort that has "a box of 40 LPs, to contain 2 Hendrix, 4 beatles, etc" type thing.
Anyway, I tried searching "Guitar".. bad idea.
For the rest of the day, I was like "OOH, I want one of those! And that one! And that one!"
Of course, I bid/bought nowt.
Our Alice was in an in-school 'bragging' session with some boy about how many guitars they had in their respective houses. So, we had a think-thought about it and realised we had 13.
One Bass, 4 solid body 6-strings, 2 semi-accs, 2 acoustics, 1 12-string, 2 ukes and I can't remember the last one.
That's not too shabby for a dormant musician.
― Mark G, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:06 (1 year ago) Permalink
I remember now, it's another semi-acc, it's made from what feels like matchbox-wood, it sounds awful in an awesome way, but looks hella-cool.
― Mark G, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:07 (1 year ago) Permalink
I wish I could still play guitar. It makes my wrist hurt too much, though. :-(
It doesn't stop me from wanting them when I see them, though.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:12 (1 year ago) Permalink
This is where you get to tell me "don't worry, they're really bad guitars actually"
(limiting myself to one pic only)
― Mark G, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:15 (1 year ago) Permalink
Who cares if they're bad guitars if they look like that?
I bet all the strings go instantly out of tune the moment you even touch the whammy bar, though. My monstro cheapo was like that.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:17 (1 year ago) Permalink
i think MB needs to listen to doom metal, its what it was invented for!
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Wednesday, 14 March 2012 13:23 (1 year ago) Permalink
Um, I know it's like, your favourite music of all time, but I really fail to see how listening to music I don't really like will make me anything but more miserable? :-P
One of my friends on twitter told me to switch my RH playlist for Lindstrom and see if I cheer up, and it actually seems to be working, I'm feeling more relaxed already.
(That said, I don't actually find RH depressing when I'm already down, and not even because of the power of feeling less alone when you listen to sad music when you're sad. But I don't listen to RH because it's sad or miserable or doom-y, but because it's all about resisting the sadness and the doom and the nothingness and all the bad things, which actually really makes it really positive in an odd, whiney sort of way. Which is not a vibe I ever get from doom metal, sorry, no offense if you like it and all.)
Anyway, I'm feeling more like this at the moment.
rain-stained brutalism, and all.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 14:48 (1 year ago) Permalink
never found radiohead,smiths or joy division or anything like that depressing. its uplifting happy music!
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Wednesday, 14 March 2012 14:54 (1 year ago) Permalink
see, there's your problem right there. You listen to happy music!!! ;)
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Wednesday, 14 March 2012 14:56 (1 year ago) Permalink
Joy Division *is* depressing as fuck, actually. It's the sheer relentlessness of it. But that's why there's Joy Division and New Order.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 15:10 (1 year ago) Permalink
it quite clearly states there masonic boom should be making it with lots of hawkwind swooshy noises
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Wednesday, 14 March 2012 15:40 (1 year ago) Permalink
Those men are all as ugly as dogs (and to be honest, dogs are insulted by the comparison!)
Why would I want to involve myself with a genre of music where the men are so unattractive! At least Radiohead have the consideration to be remotely sexy, despite the occasional tragic haircuts (and ponytails.)
Now I'm off to listen to Pablo Honey and laugh myself sick, and none of you can stop me.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 15:58 (1 year ago) Permalink
The new pub (which is called Pratts & Payne, LOL Streatham) is AWESOME. It's too nice for Streatham, it will be taken away. It has nice beer, and it has good music. It will not be allowed to stay.
That said, I had a horrible scary moment sitting there drinking my real ale, that I thought I had actually started to like Neil Young. ARGH.
Came home, put on After The Goldrush, phew, I still hate Neil Young, all is still right in the world.
It's a lovely pub, though.
p.s. what is the best version of ATG, or will this be a harder choice than Silver Dagger? I don't think the answer is Dolly Parton this time, though.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 18:43 (1 year ago) Permalink
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2012 18:58 (1 year ago) Permalink
I know I'm talking to myself here, but I might as well carry on.
That thing - that gulf between 1) the thoughts and processes of what is going on in your own head, and why you are doing the things you are doing, and 2) how your actions are perceived and interpreted by others - that thing is killing me lately.
When I come up out of a nosedive, and look at the things that were going on and it's hard to believe that two different people could have such different perspectives on the same events. And yet, at the time, and even afterwards, it seems almost impossible to stop the crash from happening, as it's playing out. And you're just looking at this wreckage, going "but neither of us wanted this, so how did we end up with it?"
It's maddening, but also, mainly it's just saddening.
I'm kind of obsessed with talking about communication, because I'm so bad at it. But I suppose it's easier to learn Cornish than it is to learn to communicate properly.
How is everyone today? ILX seems like it's in a bit of a rut, there don't seem to be any threads about anything I find that interesting, and maybe everyone's as bored as I am, or maybe it's just a lull, or maybe I just don't have any interests any more? How are you all feeling. Is anyone even reading this except me?
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 13:08 (1 year ago) Permalink
I'm tracking a handful of threads on ILX in desultory sort of way, but trying to resist posting anything other than the occasional flip comment as work really is backing up around here and I can just about get away with reading while I'm on a conf call, but not posting.
I think the education thread is quite interesting, but it's mostly about American education afaict, so nothing for me to contribute.
― Also unknown as Zora (Surfing At Work), Friday, 16 March 2012 13:13 (1 year ago) Permalink
Yeah, threads on the American education system are slightly interesting to me, because I spent most of my education in the American system. But not really that relevant (though, granted, I'm kind of scared of how the UK system might be headed that way.) It's not just a to-MAY-to to-MAH-to level difference, I guess it does reveal deep differences.
I suppose I'm just bored because lack of money (and therefore lack of internet access to properly listen to things) is keeping me off music threads, which would normally provide my ILX reading material.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 13:19 (1 year ago) Permalink
I thought the avant-guard thread was going to go somewhere interesting, too, but it seems to have petered out prematurely. I think I almost hate when that happens more than I hate a clusterfuck.
Oh dear, meta. Posting on ILX about posting on ILX, I think my boredom really has eaten itself and I should go back to reading my book. But it's a depressing and upsetting political tome and I think I'm avoiding finishing it.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 13:23 (1 year ago) Permalink
Grab another book?
― Also unknown as Zora (Surfing At Work), Friday, 16 March 2012 13:26 (1 year ago) Permalink
I hate abandoning a book halfway through! Even if I don't like it. (And it's not that I don't like it, it's a very good and necessary book - it's just that it is incredibly bleak and at the same time, I don't want to be reading something this depressing when I'm having depressio issues to start with - but I am also aware of my staggering lack of knowledge when it comes to political subjects, and fear that throwing up my hands and saying "this is too depressing" is Part of The Problem WRT politics.)
The other books I have available to me in the reading pile are: Misogyny, The World's Oldest Prejudice (will be depressio), In Search of P.D. Ouspensky (diverting mystical shit, but I like the author from his other works) and The Icarus Girl, which I know nothing about, but I liked the name, but it also looks like it might be depressio.
Maybe I should just go back to the library and get some more inconsequential reading material.
ARGH I hate listening to Spotify on my home connection, it's just impossible, it times out ever 30 seconds, why do I even bother?
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 13:36 (1 year ago) Permalink
Spotify is great but what is wrong with your internet connection? You're not still using a dongle are you??
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Friday, 16 March 2012 13:42 (1 year ago) Permalink
Yes I am, and I should really sort it out but I can't deal with dealing with any more contracts and companies.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 13:45 (1 year ago) Permalink
yes i understand that. Thankfully my dad deals with all that
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Friday, 16 March 2012 13:52 (1 year ago) Permalink
In other news, I just got "Alpinisms" in the chuck-in box in Fopp, £2
Bit dusty, no innersleeve/book, but hey.
― Mark G, Friday, 16 March 2012 14:15 (1 year ago) Permalink
Well, you can change. That's what you need to realize. I decided to lay my worries *aside*. So for long times I just decide not to think about the financial woes (not checking bank account...). My husband advised me. And it works. But of course that is another thing: the problems are now outside my head.
Anyway, it's okay. We will manage. :-)
That said, I have a headache. I need to go for a long walk. hihi.
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 16 March 2012 14:23 (1 year ago) Permalink
Like I said, I can learn to change, and modify/control, but expecting it to just *stop* is completely unrealistic, unattainable, and will set me up for failure, and the self-beating-up that said failure could provoke. There is no such thing as a life without worry. But there are ways of dealing with worry so that it does not become overwhelming.
It's about managing and controlling emotion, rather than either succumbing to it, or having unrealistic expectations of the limits of one's brain's abilities.
I guess maybe your "stop checking the bank account" should be my "stop looking at that forum where the terrible misunderstandings exploded" - that's the kind of thing one can divert.
Rather than letting the worry consume me to the point where I couldn't even concentrate on my homework.
Long walks are good, though, I highly recommend them.
I have finally, on about my third attempt, succeeded in getting the new Grimes album off the 4AD site. Which means that half of ILM will now hate me, but hey, I really like it. Also, it was 5/8s of the price it was going for on iTunes. Sheesh, I am starting to really hate that thing.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 14:32 (1 year ago) Permalink
what is Grimes?
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Friday, 16 March 2012 15:10 (1 year ago) Permalink
Canadian electronic music school geek girl much beloved on the "post-Knife music" thread, who signed to 4AD and became a bit too trendy with the P4K crowd to go down well on ILM.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 15:11 (1 year ago) Permalink
Also, speaking of Canadian music school geeks, tonight after Cornish class, I am going to going to the Barbican to hear O-Pal, late of this parish. That should be entertaining. Seeing ILX0rs as actual human beings - especially up onstage and doing stuff, as opposed to text based user names - is always a bit of a mind fuck.
― Masonic Boom, Friday, 16 March 2012 15:20 (1 year ago) Permalink
ahh i cant stand stuff like the knife and that kind of thing ilm jizzes over
yeah i bet it is.
― fuck deathcore and metalcore (Algerian Goalkeeper), Friday, 16 March 2012 16:27 (1 year ago) Permalink
OH GOD THERE IS A SPECIAL CIRCLE OF HELL RESERVED FOR CV WRITERS.
I have just used the word "spearheaded" as a verb. I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.
Getting out all those billion buck bang CV words like "facilitated" and "enabling users" and "assessing user needs and delivering data solutions" and I'm tempted to throw in a "maths-speaking and fridge-buzzing modes available" quote to see what FDs are paying attention.
KILL ME. KIILL ME NOW. I HATE UPDATING MY CV SO MUCH, I SOUND LIKE SUCH CORPWANK ON PAPER.
MIDDLE CLASS CV WANK IS TOTALLY A BARRIER TO ENTRY. GIVE US A JOB. READMIT ME TO THE MIDDLE CLASSES NOW. DELIVER ME FROM TESCOS ARRGGGHGHGHGHGH
― ...I KERNOW BECAUSE YOU DO (White Chocolate Cheesecake), Monday, 19 March 2012 14:25 (1 year ago) Permalink
"Works well individually and as part of a team"
This statement is compulsory on any CV, Lighthouse keeper or not.
― Mark G, Monday, 19 March 2012 14:28 (1 year ago) Permalink
I would never put that on my CV. Ever. I mean, there's padding and corporate wankspeak, but I am never going to outright lie on a CV.
― ...I KERNOW BECAUSE YOU DO (White Chocolate Cheesecake), Monday, 19 March 2012 14:29 (1 year ago) Permalink
Actually, it's not that much of a lie any more, I was totally a team-player at my last job. It was just that our team's favourite activities consisted of muttering darkly about the stupidity of the directors, moaning about the manager of the call centre and downloading Radiohead remixes. We had great team spirit! Though sharing complete pessimism and black humour.
― White Chocolate Cheesecake, Monday, 19 March 2012 14:33 (1 year ago) Permalink
That's the best kind!
I reckon The Monkees would have hated each other, had it not been for the management dicking them around at every oppo.
― Mark G, Monday, 19 March 2012 14:34 (1 year ago) Permalink
Is it really wrong that I totally want to live here?
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 11:59 (1 year ago) Permalink
It's that lighthouse thing, it's that whole "other people are just too much to deal with" fantasy, isn't it? Also, I don't think you could get internet there, which would probably be a good thing, right? Ho hum.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 12:10 (1 year ago) Permalink
The most depressing thing about applying for jobs right now is realising how far "the market" and technology slid away from me while I spent 3 years treading water in that last job.
Like, how I haven't even *heard* of some of the latest developments ~in my industry~ and that is totally my fault because I should have been keeping up with it. I mean, yeah, it was demoralising working there because it was a daily struggle trying to get them to do *anything* on the database (3 years convincing them they should do basic data cleansing!) so after a couple of years, I stopped even trying to push new things on them. And I didn't want to hear about new toys because I knew I'd never get to play with them.
Part of it's real insecurity of "am I even in the right field because I don't freaking *care* about new technology any more" - like I could get the job done with excel and some SQL script writing so what do the bells and whistles really matter? Shovelling data is shovelling data, why should I care what it's done with. But there's this sense that I should care, and I should keep up - and I just didn't, in that job because I hated the industry and didn't want to do anything to help them.
And just ARGH, this is why I've been putting off looking for a new job for nearly two months, because it's so confidence-shredding just doing it. I should care about ~my career~ and I just don't, it's just something I do, not something I get excited about?
But I don't even know if this not-caring-about-work is a real thing, or part of the general anhedonia of not caring about *anything* right now.
Boo hoo, life sucks, shut up and deal, etc.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 12:56 (1 year ago) Permalink
All these jobs, and I can't see why anyone would want to hire me. If I can't see why anyone would want to hire me, why on earth would the recruiter?
I should open the council tax bill that came yesterday, that should give me some motivation to look more... motivated-ly. But it doesn't, it just makes me think "what the fuck am I doing this all *for*?" And there is no answer to that.
There are no answers, I'm talking to myself, and that's even more depressing than not talking at all.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 13:33 (1 year ago) Permalink
You'll feel better, I think, once you've settled into the job hunt. Having a set of small job-related goals to accomplish every day can produce its own motivation.
One of my real problems with work-motivation right now is that I find it so hard to shift my brain from work to personal interests and vice versa. I have to work literally every day, otherwise I forget why work is worth caring about. Orson Welles said that the reason he worked so much is that he was secretly incredibly lazy - if he wasn't always working, he would never do anything. That's me.
― Träumerei, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 15:03 (1 year ago) Permalink
What do you mean by work every day, though? Because if I "worked" every day my head would figuratively explode, but that's because I have such a delineation between "work" (meaning databases and crap) and "personal interests" meaning drawing and writing and stuff, and I supposed I could say, it helps to work every day meaning I do drawing or writing every day, but the idea of doing database stuff every day would be completely intolerable.
Anyway, I just had my first phoner interview / CV talkthrough. Which was nervewracking, just because it's been so long. That "why did you leave your last job?" question is an absolute nerve-wracker. I wish my heart wouldn't lurch in my chest when I try to answer that one, it is just heart-rate off the chart and adrenaline response, even as I'm admitting "this is awkward" and trying to explain. I suppose this will get easier with practice, but right now it's completely flummoxing. Not to let that one throw me.
― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2012 16:42 (1 year ago) Permalink
i run out of money in a month. i've got a contract job set up in may that'll cover my rent through the summer and buy me two more months to find full time work, but there'll be a gap where i'm short to pay rent in may. as it stands now i'm looking to do gig work through april that i'm hoping will fill out the coffers enough, but if worse comes to worse i may ask 3-4 people for a small loan that cumulatively should cover me til i can pay back a week or so later.
the state of VA won't give me unemployment bcz my previous job didn't deduct anything for it, so i've never paid in, so they won't give me any. and of course i'm near 2 years out of texas, where i paid into unemployment. so that's not an option.
and i'm not pretty enough to bartend.
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, 22 March 2012 08:08 (1 year ago) Permalink