Getting married and blowing off your friends without warning, C/D S/D

I have a few college friends (~5) that I really love but live far away, so I make sure to talk to them on AIM/facebook at least once a week.

In person visits every other year

Damn I envy this

I don't even know that I can articulate why I don't like the phone. I'm often tired/unfriendly/peopled-out/wanting downtime in the evening, when I can actually get in contact with my friends across the country. I also like to be alone, and have an open window of time, and be at home, I'm rarely alone, free, and without plans.

I'm often tired/unfriendly/peopled-out/wanting downtime in the evening

This.

Also I just much prefer talking to someone in person where I can see their expressions and stuff. Plus, the person I'm talking about in particular is a slow talker and being on the phone with her is sort of painful. I really should be better about it because I'm sure that some people think I'm an asshole or a bad friend. I'm going to make an effort of call at least one of the 3 I'm thinking of this coming weekend. That seems doable.

talking in person > talking online in text > talking online face to face > talking on the phone

I also like to be alone, and have an open window of time, and be at home, I'm rarely alone, free, and without plans.

This sounds about right for me, too.

It feels wrong for me to say that I don't like talking on the phone, because I really don't, but I tend to dread calling people that I haven't seen in a long time and I think that's probably it. Priorities, really, and maybe I find long catch-up calls a little exhausting. Also we have shitty SHITTY cell phone reception in our house so there is one place I can sit and hope to keep a signal.

Everyone finds long catch-up calls exhausting -- even the people who instigate them!

Yeah they're really exhausting. The longer it gets the longer the call will be and the less I want to make it!

I feel the same way about out-of-touch friends who always say "I miss you!" but make no effort to see me where I am, ie visit me, call me, write to me, send me one lousy text, a picture, ANYTHING. I don't think you actually miss me all that much, or you would make some effort to talk with me! Friendship maintenance is not solely my job just because I don't have kids.

Everyone finds long catch-up calls exhausting -- even the people who instigate them!

― Laura Lucy Lynn (La Lechera), Thursday, March 8, 2012 1:28 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I always THINK they're going to be exhausting but usually they end up being invigorating and I'm like why don't I call more often

NB I am a terrible correspondent who happens to be friends with same, and I guess at this point my closest friends are so familiar that even "it's been a couple years" check-ins are rarely earthshaking and mostly like ah good the world still spins on its axis

Two of my best friends from high school still live in my home town, and I really only see them/catch up with them when I'm home, which is maybe once every 3 or 4 years. But we're all pretty much able to pick up where we left off, it hasn't really hurt our friendships as far as I've been able to tell. Neither of them are really online all that much, and have jobs that kinda preclude much phone talking. I don't mind it so much.

I am a very active and involved friend -- it's just tiring to be the one who always has to make all of the moves. I gave up trying hard maybe 5 years ago; now I give medium effort and the results are the same, so it could be my problem for throwing so much energy at the wall.

"could be" = is

I did learn that moving countries placed most of the responsibility of staying in touch on me, since everyone else's life was pretty much unchanged, they sort of adapted pretty quickly to me not being around, and it was my job to say hey I'm over here missing you guys what's up, etc. I was never that kind of friend before that, so it was a big adjustment. But fuuuuuck it helped me so much with homesickness etc.

All my friends either post on ilx or twitter and that ambient awareness of them is how I keep in touch.

i misread as "ambien awareness" O_o

even "it's been a couple years" check-ins are rarely earthshaking and mostly like ah good the world still spins on its axis

Guilty lols. At Christmas, I saw my college best friend for the first time in over 10 years. Apart from the fact that she went back to school again for something else, lost a parent, got married, bought a house, and had a kid, nothing had changed at all.

I never feel the need that I must catch up with a specific friend if I haven't interacted with them in awhile. And most ppl I interact with pretty much know not to expect that from me.

well that's just it, though, right? I take a get a lot of comfort from knowing that ____ will still be ____ when I see them next, regardless of what has transpired. It's a maybe selfish way of reaffirming that I am still basically the same dude I thought I was, yes, this person still recognizes me and I them

xp

Yeah, I can totally deal with that -- I'm ok with that, in fact -- it's the "I miss u" waaaah bs in between self-affirming visits or w/e that I just don't know how to answer. If you miss me, why don't you try to talk with (not to) me more?

i'm a phone-hater too, i find it...mentally tiring, and also a bit...alienating? frustrating? i feel the physical lack of the person i'm talking to and miss them more (but if it's a person i find tedious it makes them MORE tedious and space-filling). i don't find that with emails or internet communication at all.

which friends i hang out with irl is scarily dependent on which friends use my favoured social media - since i got on twitter my social circle has veered towards those of my friends who are also regular users.

people drop out of and come back into social circles all the time, i don't think that's a big deal - there are friends i value and care about who i haven't seen in years because life happened (relationship-related or not). however when i sense this happen -

And when someone in a relationship discards their friendships it sends out a certain message. The message is "I've found something that makes me happy now and that's all that matters". Kind of a self-absorbed attitude.

- and it does happen, and it's a different thing...i don't take kindly to that.

I've probably lost long distance friends due to hating talking on the phone, but my close friends and I have hardly ever talked on the phone, except to make plans.

also have to say that the idea of the sealed-dyad relationship where you only want to see the other person and you want to see them ALL THE TIME is my idea of hell. i need my space and i need space for my friends and i need a lot of both. relationships would come a definite third.

fourth behind work as well

(this is why i'm single)

so you live in a very large warehouse loft y/n

ha i meant space as in...time

though physical space is crucial too, i don't really feel like the idea of living with a partner appeals. i like the tim burton/helena bonham carter model of separate, adjoining houses

in the vast emptiness of space

I don't mind talking on the phone, I just hate making phone calls.

Having a stutter makes phones conversations painful for both me and the other person, I've even lost job opportunities because of it.

:(

my Dad stutters, I totally understand that.

I'm good in person but on the phone I sometimes can't even get a word out.

i am probably guilty of this :(
i still go out to shows and see some friends that way, but the idea of going out for drinks after work has become foreign to me. kinda sucks sometimes.

I did learn that moving countries placed most of the responsibility of staying in touch on me, since everyone else's life was pretty much unchanged, they sort of adapted pretty quickly to me not being around, and it was my job to say hey I'm over here missing you guys what's up, etc. I was never that kind of friend before that, so it was a big adjustment. But fuuuuuck it helped me so much with homesickness etc.

Yeah this is so true. I actually quite enjoy just emailing a person with a 'hey! what's up!' if they pop into my head. I will defend Facebook forever as well for the 'ambient awareness' (although I'm p sure at least two not-very-close friends have had secret babies in the last 6 months or so)

lol secret babies

kinder otm -- Facebook has been awesome for letting me stay in touch with a wider circle of friends than I would have if it was just me and email, and the 'ambient awareness' is def key where distance is a factor.

I've definitely withdrawn from most of my friends in the past several years (except work friends of course, since I see them all the time). It wasn't getting married that caused this, though. I think it was my job getting more demanding. Then I felt like my first priority for whatever "free time" I had left ought to be to my wife. Next priority (very recently) is preparing for the new baby! Third priority is doing chores/fixing things around the house. Fourth priority is to family (which means I don't see them too often), fifth is to friends (who I almost never see now), and finally, the last priority is to myself (downtime, hobbies, etc. which I never EVER have time for anymore). So yeah, I barely ever see my friends anymore, but that's only partly, indirectly due to getting married. It's more about growing up and having way more responsibilities than I used to. It doesn't help that they are all busy/married/growing up too, and our free time hardly ever occurs at the same time. And even if it does, I'm usually too tired from the workweek to even make an effort anymore.

Facebook just irritates me anymore because it's just a constant reminder of all the people I should talk to because it's so convenient and easy now, but I'm ignoring them because I'm too busy/tired/etc. or they've changed, or I've changed, or I'm horrified at something they posted, or whatever. Before Facebook, there were so many people I wished I could get back in touch with- now, I'm Facebook friends with all of them, and I can see some of what's going on in their lives, and maybe they can see some of what's going on in mine, but that's about as far as I want it to go. Since I don't have time to contact everyone that I feel like I should, it makes me not want to contact anyone. It's just too overwhelming.

You don't have to write long paragraphs every time, you know. A line or two reminds people that you care!

Hahaha, for a horrifying second I thought you were chiding me for the long-ish posts! But you're right, I should make more of an effort, and it wouldn't take much.

and if that means blowing other friends off, eh, i'm okay with that.

!!! very good friend to have