Depression and what it's really like

sorry, that got kinda doomy at the end there

Yeah, dude, I get that we're effectively speaking different languages here. This shit wouldn't have meant a thing to me when I was staring into the void last year. I guess the best way to boil it down is that when you feel like you've lost everything or like nothing matters, at least there's still hope. Then when you give up on hope, it's like a cascading freefall without a bottom and just a vast expanse of nothingness in all directions. That absense of hope is the scariest or most numbing thing imaginable. But hope doesn't necessarily disappear forever even when you give up on it completely. It's kind of an imminently renewable resource but also one that we can get really good at repelling when we don't want to deal with it.

I do disagree, though, that I can't access that bleakness from where I'm at. At present, I feel (not to mix my previous metaphor too hardcore) like I've found a pretty solid plank of wood to use as a buoy, but I'm still floating in those waters and I can see that abyss below me. I'm just trying like a motherfucker to focus my attention on the plank because it's the thing that's saving my life and keeping me from making mesothelioma jokes to cope with the horror of consiousness.

the thing is, when you think about that all you have is a plank, and other people have boats, hope starts to feel like cold fucking comfort

when life gives you a plank, make planktonade.

sounds really delicious

Well, there's also some kinda ego dissolution-ish shit going on at present that I'm far less capable of articulating but which is doing a lot of the heavy lifting with respect to warding off my own personal darkness. My immediate response would be, "why should I care what somebody else is using to keep themselves from sinking as long as my method continues to work?" I'm starting to get a keen sense that most of the things that cause distress/anxiety/despair are intimately wrapped up in ego. I've spent an awful lot of my life doing pretty much what you suggest: comparing some aspect of myself or my life to something external and coming up short. But I'm starting to realize what a useless ego stroke that can be. When I take myself and my pwecious feewings out of the equation when trying to suss out a step to take towards positive forward momentum, I realize how much the satiation of my concept of self has been largely one hugely insurmountable obstacle in the pursuit of some level of contentment or inner peace. I'm really ready to get the eff out of my own way already.

I've spent an awful lot of my life doing pretty much what you suggest: comparing some aspect of myself or my life to something external and coming up short.

oh that wasn't a suggestion for what you should do, that's what sometimes happens and continues to make you feel like shit.

this is HUGE

http://www.cnbc.com/id/46581129/Mylan_now_selling_generic_version_of_Lexapro

the patent doesn't expire until march 14, but i guess forest labs worked something out.

I'm starting to get a keen sense that most of the things that cause distress/anxiety/despair are intimately wrapped up in ego.

Yeah, I'm wondering how many people attempt self-transcendence to alleviate depression.

I find it quite funny in a masochistic way, for years I obsessed/had panic attack over my job and now the problem is "real". Strangely enough I can cope better than I imagined. Thing is: whenever the world around me is in panic, I suddenly calm down and be strong (for a while anyway). Weird. OR rather, bit fucked up.

welp

Hang in there, Hoos. Do you have insurance atm?

sup

my temp job right now is enough busywork that i can lose myself in it throughout the day, but i come home so fried that all i want to do is sleep. then, inevitably, i can't--so i stare at the ceiling for hours instead, and that's when things get darker than i ought to let them.

doesn't help that the activist community i'm a part of, upon which i've relied for support emotional and otherwise through the last 7 months, is especially fractious of late (and that, even if they weren't, i'm too broke to ride the train to see them).

i owe the federal government several thousand dollars in taxes. not sure where i'll get the money. the nightmare that i'll have to move back to texas (into my fucking mother's house, without a vehicle or money) sometime this summer for lack of job opportunities is becoming increasingly real.

i recognize some of the contours of this darkness as merely chemical, and others as the product of undesirable circumstances; it's the combination of the two that's getting me down especially, and has my thoughts going unusually amiss. debt, solipsism, insomnia, fear, and alcoholism make for a helluva cocktail on top of my "legacy" brain chemistry concerns.

we'll see what comes of it.

i think i'm covered under my dad's insurance until my birthday in august, q

alcohol is a depressant, of course

and i should know

hoos we need to meet up for a coffee ASAP

ride it out, hoos...hopefully there'll be a change around the corner for you soon

virtual hugs are virtually useless I know but (hug)

Let me just say, HOOS, that I empathize deeply with some of the particulars of your situation. It sucks to be in the center of that cyclone (which I'm just starting to really inch my way out of), but the best you can do is put your head down and just push forward, one foot in front of the other, knowing that things can get better.

my totally cliché advice: 1. baby steps and 2. focusing on things you can do atm that could make you feel better

^^^^

last week i was seriously considering going to the beach by the port and just walking into the water and just ending all this bullshit.

a week later - some things still really hurt, but i'm more or less ok.

please no one walk into the ocean

yeah i mean, really realest talk, there've been some "well what if i just packed all my stuff and left appropriate instructional notes on my affairs to make it really easy for people" moments

i was never convinced that the key bridge was high enough tbh

I always wanted to go the Spalding Gray way, but with a twist: have my frozen corpse wash up on the edge of the East River and a group of homeless men would drag it out to their camp and use my body like the American Indians did with the buffalo. So that's sort-of like organ donation and charity wrapped into one.

Seriously, though, things get better no matter how shitty they seem now. I'm still dragging my ass out of the abyss, but things are definitely better now than a year ago with focused work. The only immediate relief I've ever found: regular exercise and meditation.

dudes, come visit boston soon -- also, fb message if you want to talk

When I'm depressed, what works for me, as soon as I can find the mental energy to do it, is to do something physical that takes me somewhere. Like running or cycling. Then I come home, shower, pick up a few things in my room... and bam. It's a little better. Just the little bit I need to keep going until everything gets better.

Hoos! I am only a random internet dude, BUT, if you ever want to have a depressive commiseration night, I'm only a webmail and an Acela ride (on my part) away.

Hoos, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. From what you wrote, it is obvious that there are elements of your current life and immediate prospects that are clearly undesirable -- and we both know that desire/undesire is the nexus of a great source of unhappiness.

Drinking may not be bad in itself, but it may be hindering your doing what you need to do atm.

Of all that you said, the fact that you are not easily able to connect with your friends and support network that is probably a large factor in your heaviness of heart. I'd recommend you put whatever effort you can into solving that one. Maybe they could come your direction. Y'know... if a Hoos can't go to the mountain, let the mountain come to a Hoos.

I wish you luck at unravelling these knots. Patience and effort go a long way. All the best.

P.S. Talk to the feds. They may choose to sip your blood in small sips.

lol that you said "talk to the feds" and my first reaction was "but i didn't do anything"

thanks everyone for the ear and the good thoughts. they're appreciated. i'll figure this mess out.

I am in a rather MAD DARK period right now. Somehow I feel I will never shake this depression off. Ah well. C'est la vie (noire).

doesn't help that the activist community i'm a part of, upon which i've relied for support emotional and otherwise through the last 7 months, is especially fractious of late (and that, even if they weren't, i'm too broke to ride the train to see them).

Hey Hoos, another random Internetter here! From what I remember in the other OWS threads, you're DC, right? Before throwing in the towel and heading back to Tejas (or, god forbid, "getting your final affairs in order"), you should give OWS NYC a chance. We're fractured over here, too, but one of the nicest things about May Day seeing how many non-NYCers, after 7 months, have stuck around despite losing basically everything they had (shelter + food + diversion at Zuccotti), and I think that's more due to strong living/emotional support system more than anything. Still not sure if/when we'll find a new 24-hr space; but, if we do, and you're feeling risky, there's a ton of empathetic, committed protesters here who'd love to have a good person such as yourself in the mix!

Either way, if you have access to the meds you need, stay on top of that. Just know that, even if they don't talk about it, debt/taxes/shitty job are really common problems for normal people, and they're manageable with time/patience. Even if you feel like your personal life feels irrevocably fucked, I promise you that it's not. Good luck, Hoos!

heading back to Tejas (or, god forbid, "getting your final affairs in order")

Six of one, half a dozen of the other...

hoos i can put about £12 towards yr taxes.

^^ brilliant idea.

why not set up an account on PayPal, hoos? You have a deep well of goodwill here on ilx, and all that OWS work you did was unpaid. About time you were paid ten cents an hour for your activism.

it generally takes the IRS at least a year before they do stuff like impose liens and levies on your accounts. They will send letters. Lots of letters.

wepay.com imo, fuck a paypal

also from what I have read on the Internet it is best to be proactive about explaining your predicaments to the IRS, it will help stop additional fines from piling up.

giving hug to hoos and anyone else who needs one

To a small extent, the IRS can recognize the difference between unwillingness to pay and inability to pay.

also from what I have read on the Internet it is best to be proactive about explaining your predicaments to the IRS, it will help stop additional fines from piling up.

not really, if you've filed on time and have a balance due and haven't paid it by the deadline, you will still have the same failure to file penalties and interest no matter what. If you contact the IRS, they will probably try to get you to set up an official payment plan with the IRS, but then you will be locked into that schedule and if you don't adhere to it --- more penalties and interest!

er, that should be "failure to pay" penalties, not "failure to file", duh.

Awwww, see?! He's nice, really.

Hoos - the visitors are still here so I may be tied up this weekend but you message me and/or call any time you need to. I will try to check in with you later tonight.

"Awwww, see?! He's nice, really.

― wolf kabob (ENBB), Friday, May 4, 2012 4:06 PM (34 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink"

dammit x-posts - that was about Morbius, not Hoos.

what I'm trying to say is -- take care of your immediate needs first, and then when you have a job and extra money, then deal with the IRS.

My dad has been dead for a while and even though he was sick, I miss him so much. I'm not getting a lot of sympathy, we did everything together! I am fighting with my mom (they were separated) and I got sick and didn't mow her lawn...my family is so mean! None of this is endogenous, so medications aren't helping. I beat myself up over not being able to get over dad.