Homemade Jokes

A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"

Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.

― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:16 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Q: Did you hear about the accident at the mushroom processing plant?
A: No
Q: It's got a tragic morel.

Q: How did the pimp lose so much weight?
A: Using one weird old trick.

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Vulture telling his son what's for dinner?

"Carrion my wayward son
there'll be peas when you are done"

Q: What is Lucky Luciano's favorite movie?
A: Maid in Manhattan.

What did the Juggalo eat for breakfast?
Cream of WOOT!

Why did the indie rock ingenue actress go so well on a Croque Monsieur?

Because she was Gooey Bechamel

!

What do you call a horse from Pennsylvania?

A filly!

Haven't quite worked this one out yet, but I think there could be a long joke involving a geisha and a submissive man that ends with the line "I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan"

Have you seen that new Edith Piaf branded salad dressing?

Je ne vinaigrette rien...

stealing that.

five stars!

Q: Where do the Chicago Worms play?

A: At Wriggly Field.

Q: What do you call an extinct species of spider?

A: an arachnid-ism

Q: What subway stop do the Brooklyn Moles get off at?

A: Burrow Hall.

I think having a baby is affecting my humor style.

Did you hear that E.L. James is writing a scat novel?

Yeah, that's right, it's called "Fifty Shades of Gray Poop-on"

Q:What's the king's favorite record label?
A:Moat-town!

Q: What's the lawn's favorite record label?
A: Mow-town!

Q: What's a librarian's favorite record label?
A: STAX

There's this hot new bestseller soft porn novel that started out as He-Man fan fiction.

It's called Fifty Shades of Greyskull

Q. What do they shout at the existentialist gay pride march?
A. "We're here, it's queer, get over it!"

(warning, contains mild racial slur):

Q: Where do Boston Italian Yodas go to meet up?

A: The Dagobah!

I submitted all these jokes to Laffy Taffy under the guise of "Michael Pipia, age 9", I'll let you know who the winners are

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Smell mop"
"Smell mop who?"
"hahahahah"

This is probably my favorite joke ever now.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asparagi.
Asparagi who?
Asparagi a dollar for bus fare?

A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"

― The Cheerfull Turtle (Latham Green), Tuesday, February 7, 2012 9:25 AM (4 months ago)

aaaaaaahh CLASSIC

Q: Why is Joe Paterno rolling over in his grave right now?

A: Because he prefers to look the other way.

Q: What is a francophile's favorite legal drama?
A: Paris Maison

What vegetable helps you get dressed in the morning?

Button-up Squash

Q. What did the pervert say to the bikini-clad lady when she bent over to pick up a seashell?
A. "Damn ma, you find a shell!" ("Damn ma, you fine as hell!")

the lady is his mom?

"that's no lady," etc

What do you get if you cross the captain of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) with the supreme being?

Jean-Luc Godard

I posted this on another thread so sorry for repeat material, but I really think Daft Punk should release an Indian cookery book called "Cumin After All".

good enough to repeat imo, gave me a second chuckle :)

q. What did the pervert say when asked for forgiveness?
a. "Never my love"

A: Paris Maison. I like this one.

q. what did Edgar allen poe say to that fucking raven
a. fuck off bird!

wait did this ever get resolved

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

maybe the joke is there is nothing to sink in

Trying to come up with a follow up to my daft punk joke. Can only think of 'One More Thyme' and 'Mace to Mace'

is that crazy incense you have of a daft punk?

Digital Clove

their anime is more hentai than manga (take that!)

that knock-knock joke was the bext birthday gift – I used to get him one sock for his birthday and the other matching sock for Christmas so really he spoiled me in comparsion

A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.

Trying to come up with a follow up to my daft punk joke. Can only think of 'One More Thyme' and 'Mace to Mace'

― sorry for asshole (dog latin), Friday, August 10, 2012 2:23 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Did you not see my follow up in that thread that the book included the recipe "Hotter Pepper Fatter Sambar"?

I'm developing a video game about violent, piano-playing marsupials. It's called Chordal Wombat.