Dude, Dynasty was so totally not black metal. Goof metal more like it..."I was made for loving you baby"? Anton FIG? The only thing black about that was their eye makeup and the producer's cold, dead heart.
― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 20:49 (nineteen years ago) link
4. So, you've made The Ask, your personal cleanliness is in order, and black metal is waiting for an exciting evening with an interesting, confident guy, right? Don't be nervous: remember that black metal agreed to go out with you because SHE is just as interested as YOU are in getting to know you, being seen with an attractive mate and, if all goes well, maybe a little satanic snuggling later. While self-assurance is definitely the key to making black metal feel comfortable with you, make sure at all times that you're being yourself, and not showing off just to impress black metal (I'm talking to you here, Janne Karlsson). Don't kid yourself -- she'll see through any phony front in a heartbeat.
― briania (briania), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 20:53 (nineteen years ago) link
5. This point is a no-brainer, but it cannot possibly be emphasized enough: TALK with black metal! Nothing will pour cold water on your sexual prospects with black metal any faster than long, awkward silences. Chances are that black metal is interested in a lot of the same topics you are: pagan worship; amplification; muscle cars; Venom; goat husbandry; drugs; whatever the hell went wrong with Emperor. Again, confidence is key, so feel free to discuss any topic you feel you know a lot about, but DON'T monopolize the conversation. Black metal has interests and opinions of her own, and letting her share these with you will substantially increase the likelihood of her sharing OTHER intamacies later on. A word of caution, though: do not, I repeat DO NOT bring up Count Grishnakh. Like all of us, black metal has that one secret sore point in her heart, and this is hers.
― briania (briania), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 21:18 (nineteen years ago) link
6. Corny as it sounds, black metal LOVES to be complimented and to hear her own name. Don't overdo it, but a little of the following in the right spots will advance you a LONG way toward what's inside those tight leather pants: "There's a special and undefinable quality about you, black metal. I can't explain it, but I'd love to find out what it is."; "I can tell you must work out a lot, black metal."; "You know what attracts me to you, black metal? This is gonna sound silly, but, believe it or not, it's your delicate shoulders!" In the course of these compliments, you might be tempted to compare black metal to old flames or current competition, as it were. Beware this impulse! Black metal does NOT want to hear ANYTHING about thrash, death metal, grind, bubble-crunk, experimental horse music or Czech blastcore!
― briania (briania), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 21:55 (nineteen years ago) link
― Casuistry (Chris P), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 23:37 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 01:33 (nineteen years ago) link
7. A little-known secret about black metal is that black metal loves a gentleman. While simply being a gentleman may not necessarily capture black metal's evil heart, if you do NOT come across as a gentleman you will surely destroy any possible chance.
So, what are the little simple things you can do to make black metal desire you and make a lasting impression? Chances are they're all the same things that father did for two-tone ska and grandfather did for third stream jazz: help black metal with her coat; when at a nice restaurant or chthonic ritual, pull her chair out for her when she sits; when walking with black metal on the sidewalk, always take the side closest to the street to protect black metal from traffic and nasty splashes. Light black metal's cigarette if she smokes, or offer to tie her off and administer the unholy needle. Black metal will notice these little gestures and be very impressed. And that's your main objective on a date with black metal - to impress her, make her feel special, and make black metal want you.
― briania (briania), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 06:12 (nineteen years ago) link
The Suspiria to which I invite is movie, you understand. I speak not of Suspiria the band, or the goth club, or the shop where former girlfriend Drusilla buy her corsets. I ask again - you wish to coattend?
I see also you wish not for mention of Varg Vikernes - this is not because you are his former wife, mother of his daughter, by strange chance? If it is so, you are surely very proud! And as for daughter - ah! To be child of Varg is truly an evil blessing! I hope your daughter realise this. No doubt you now educate her in Scandinavian folklore even now?
― Janne Karlsson, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 09:06 (nineteen years ago) link
Let met tell you a little about myself. I'm an ordinary guy, not rich, not especially handsome, and a little on the short side. And yet, despite all that, I've had the kind of success with black metal that most men in my position only dream about! How is this possible? Well, several years ago I stumbled upon the HIDDEN PSYCHOLOGICAL SECRETS that enable even ordinary guys to MEET black metal, to DATE black metal, and, with better than 90 percent certainty, to SCORE with black metal!
I was withdrawn and shy in my college days, looking from afar at black metal and wondering how I could be one of the "hip," "cool" guys like Varg Vikernes that black metal always seemed to go for. Sure, there were other genres, other flings, like an on-again, off-again relationship with alt country that never went anywhere, and a srange, unrequited passion for new jack swing. But it was black metal that I always longed for, even though I was convinced that I never stood a chance.
But that's just where I was wrong! After years of study and hard work, I discovered that, not only is being ordinary and not strikingly good-looking not a drawback in making love to black metal, it is positively YOUR MOST EFFECTIVE ADVANTAGE! The secrets I discovered are basic, simple and universal, but most men never take the trouble to apply them!! Now is the time, Janne Karlsson, to decide if YOU want to be one of the rare few who possess the secret to unbelievable sexual success with black metal! My program can place the key in your hand -- all you have to do is use it.
― brian, the GUY from IOWA (briania), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 15:28 (nineteen years ago) link
― Casuistry (Chris P), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 19:35 (nineteen years ago) link
*baffled beyond belief re: wot are ilxors' private parts made of?!?wtf*
― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 19:51 (nineteen years ago) link
― briania (briania), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:05 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:12 (nineteen years ago) link
― briania (briania), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:19 (nineteen years ago) link
So... perhaps still you are interested in viewing Suspiria with me this weekend? For I have strange feelings which I am curious to explore.
― Janne Karlsson, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:29 (nineteen years ago) link
― briania (briania), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:37 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:42 (nineteen years ago) link
At least not until we have fucked with Horst!
― Sami Jheryllkanyga, Wednesday, 10 November 2004 21:26 (nineteen years ago) link
― Casuistry (Chris P), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 21:44 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Thursday, 11 November 2004 03:00 (nineteen years ago) link
― VARGBOT, Thursday, 11 November 2004 03:16 (nineteen years ago) link
― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 11 November 2004 03:35 (nineteen years ago) link
― VARGBOT, Thursday, 11 November 2004 03:54 (nineteen years ago) link
I ask you though in earnestness: is the machine a invention of northern europe (ugh, how I choke on the name bestowed on this the true first world) or is it the pawn of american imperialism?
(Also have you seen Faertrich recently? He was seen in Eidfjord recently crowing about an incident with Närd)
― Sami Jheryllkanyga, Thursday, 11 November 2004 04:25 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Saturday, 13 November 2004 03:19 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Saturday, 13 November 2004 03:22 (nineteen years ago) link
― peepee (peepee), Saturday, 13 November 2004 03:38 (nineteen years ago) link
I say little more on this and wish Vargbot condolence.
― Sami Jheryllkanyga, Saturday, 13 November 2004 04:44 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Saturday, 13 November 2004 09:20 (nineteen years ago) link
― the pock-marked kid, Monday, 29 November 2004 03:35 (nineteen years ago) link
― Janne Karlsson, Monday, 29 November 2004 04:06 (nineteen years ago) link
― the pock-marked kid, Thursday, 2 December 2004 05:40 (nineteen years ago) link
(How Tori Kudo of Maher Shalal Hash Baz answers the question 'What does rock mean to you?')
― Momus (Momus), Thursday, 2 December 2004 07:25 (nineteen years ago) link
― rattusnorvegicus (ratty!!), Friday, 8 September 2006 05:28 (seventeen years ago) link
― S- (sgh), Friday, 8 September 2006 05:37 (seventeen years ago) link
― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 00:01 (seventeen years ago) link
― rattusnorvegicus (ratty!!), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 00:12 (seventeen years ago) link
furious trajectory across the sky leading a host of the slain pwns "lightning bolt
odin's name means "fury". zeus turned someone to stone for stealing a golden dog he liked as a baby (gay).
zeus also too distracted by the ladies to be very serious
― RoxyMuzak© (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 01:54 (seventeen years ago) link
Just making certainty that this is serious!!
This one: <i>although maybe it is indeed Popeye who sings, for like him it is sounding, hihi!</i>
uff da, it is the funniest thing in the internet?
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:16 (sixteen years ago) link
With the passing of winds has come the advent of a new breed, an army of so-called 'avant-garde' black-metallers like Deathspell Omega and that most troglodyte of creatures, Malefic. Even Dodheimsgard and Mayhem have returned with a vengeance, creating bewildering, near-incomprehensible tracts of horrible noise for our misery and disentertainment. Thus it follows that one's lovemaking must adapt accordingly. No more 'in out shake it all about'; instead, as Deathspell Omega's guitarist begins abother atonal seizure, you withdraw and frenziedly start trying to shag all the walls of the room instead. Then when you cannot, retire to atop a cupboard and weep. This is the new black metal loving, guaranteed 30% more Satanic.
― Just got offed, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:28 (sixteen years ago) link
You are boring everyone, probably!
With "Dodheimsgard"
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:30 (sixteen years ago) link
I shall call them DHG from now on. It is what all their most cursed and therefore best fans know them to be. They make funky sounds for desperation lovers.
― Just got offed, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:32 (sixteen years ago) link
Oh god, what? Is this ALL joking, because parts seem serious? This is what I came to ask before about "Janne Karlsson?"
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:34 (sixteen years ago) link
It is no joke. It is our expression of total despair through the destruction of sexual congress and the slow descent into dementia that comes with the New Black Metal love technique.
― Just got offed, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:42 (sixteen years ago) link
Not asking about you, probably! You have demonstrated a joke already by typing "Dodheimsgard."
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:43 (sixteen years ago) link
ouch
― roxymuzak, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:44 (sixteen years ago) link
Dodheimsgard are a joke, yes, a single joke in the stand-up routine that is the Apocalypse. Hail.
― Just got offed, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:47 (sixteen years ago) link
Hails to you also, I did not intend a painful joke (as this one said, "ouch"), but I assume it is not a serious blog about black metal because of that mentioning. (Also, it is obviously not serious with the one about Popeye!)
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:50 (sixteen years ago) link
And yes, it is a joke dude to the title. This is made obvious, but some postings seem more than serious. I mainly wonder about "Janne Karlsson", if this person is real.
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 22:52 (sixteen years ago) link
Who comes here?
― Pål Útlendi, Monday, 31 December 2007 23:20 (sixteen years ago) link
Who disputes it?!
― Pål Útlendi, Friday, 4 January 2008 00:18 (sixteen years ago) link
Not I!
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 13 January 2008 06:31 (sixteen years ago) link
penis liek ;_;
-- Thomas Fratta, Saturday, 6 November 2004 21:45 (3 years ago)
― gff, Saturday, 1 March 2008 03:45 (sixteen years ago) link
DHG is horrible dodheimsgard is the greatest shit ever
― the sir weeze, Saturday, 1 March 2008 03:59 (sixteen years ago) link
plus, i think vortex needs to sing in more bands
― the sir weeze, Saturday, 1 March 2008 04:00 (sixteen years ago) link
this thread needs to be revived every so often ...
― Eisbaer, Thursday, 4 December 2008 12:39 (fifteen years ago) link
Can anyone locate the thread where Sami & Janne are bragging about their repective bands and threatening each other?
― MaresNest, Thursday, 4 December 2008 14:05 (fifteen years ago) link
but frostbite on genital is no fun, i warn you.
― Vas Djifrens, Thursday, November 4, 2004 7:22 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark
no, it doesn't sound like fun
o_O
― Ein kluges Äpfelchen (Eisbaer), Tuesday, 17 February 2009 06:19 (fifteen years ago) link
good times, this thread LOL
― Aspergers Makes My Pee Smell Funny (Eisbaer), Saturday, 29 May 2010 11:59 (thirteen years ago) link
How did I miss this thread? It may be the best ever.
― ô_o (Nicole), Saturday, 29 May 2010 13:55 (thirteen years ago) link
stuffing my slatanic stump in her soggy sewer brings forth blackward banal messages farting from her mayhemic windpipe.
this is the greatest sentence in language
― some men enjoy the feeling of being owned (acoleuthic), Saturday, 29 May 2010 14:08 (thirteen years ago) link
Make sour hate to me, o rancid one
― minor thread (Jon Lewis), Saturday, 29 May 2010 15:05 (thirteen years ago) link
but frostbite on genital is no fun, i warm you.
― PappaWheelie V, Saturday, 29 May 2010 15:22 (thirteen years ago) link
― ô_o (Nicole), Saturday, May 29, 2010 9:55 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark
just about ANYTHING involving the ILX black metal crew is comedy gold.
― Aspergers Makes My Pee Smell Funny (Eisbaer), Saturday, 29 May 2010 16:55 (thirteen years ago) link
Enough! This novelty shit is fucking shit. First parrot, then dog, then koala are to sing for some shitful joke band? It is ridiculous!
― Aspergers Makes My Pee Smell Funny (Eisbaer), Saturday, 29 May 2010 19:08 (thirteen years ago) link
i make hate ("love" is a christianized value, which i spit on and stamp into ground) in the way of my wolfen brethren. i come and conquer like beast and leave them quaking in fear, my black seed gestating in their womb like virus. i leave in morning without trace, only my scat left on the cold floor. it is the blackest of ways, the nightspirit wills it.
the inimitable vas djifrens
― Aspergers Makes My Pee Smell Funny (Eisbaer), Saturday, 29 May 2010 19:10 (thirteen years ago) link
Of course as you know Drusilla usually prefer the Lacuna Coil and so forth when making hate, though sometimes she get drunk and on this occasion ask that I put on Bestial Warlust while she light black candle. What we then do is not for me to say, but I can tell you it is not to drink tea and have cucumber fucking sandwich.
― dud rock (crüt), Saturday, 29 May 2010 19:19 (thirteen years ago) link
can't believe pal utlendi was 2 years ago
― J0rdan S., Saturday, 29 May 2010 19:20 (thirteen years ago) link
Sami, if you ever meet a woman, you should really try making love to black metal, it's unbelievable. -- the music mole (colinsbarrowREMOV...), November 4th, 2004.also, cleaning house, watering plant (well in my case feed flies and blood to death plant), and hunting for food just to beginn to start with. black metal is not just music it is lifestyle!black metal also get bloodstains off weapons, it is quite ingenious the ways it can be applied. i tend to leave blood of enemies on though. power is gained through their slaughter.
-- Vas Djifrens
― Aspergers Makes My Pee Smell Funny (Eisbaer), Sunday, 30 May 2010 13:17 (thirteen years ago) link
it is not to drink tea and have cucumber fucking sandwich.
― Who whom kissed? (imago), Friday, 6 June 2014 21:22 (nine years ago) link