on every artist-specific message board ever

20. Middle-aged women with kids who seem to spend all their time ignoring their kids and following said band around the country to every gig in some attempt to reclaim their youth.

20. Whenever a member of 'their' band is seen to be acting like an idiot in public, there is one or two posts by people condemning their behaviour, but there's many more making excuses for their favourite artists behaviour like they're some kind of battered wives, as if they know and understand the artist in question, and you just don't understand, man.

Sorry, make that 21... forgot to xpost!

20. Middle-aged women with kids who seem to spend all their time ignoring their kids and following said band around the country to every gig in some attempt to reclaim their youth.

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, October 20, 2011 4:57 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

I've noticed this is frighteningly common - especially for older bands!

22. Heated debates over the quality of what is critically considered the bands weakest work.

23. "if you want them to sound like they did in the 90's, go listen to their 90's albums!"

24. Whenever a member of 'their' band dismisses an album or track in an interview, people who initially claimed to like the album/track in question suddenly have a change of heart. Cue the more 'free thinking' members of the board lambasting them for being sheep.

25. I know Rick, HP and Michael wanted my honest opinion on this album, so here I’ll share it to you. (the first part is a bit harsh, I’m sorry…)

I am really sorry for the language, but what the HELL happened? This album is way too Skrillex/smurfs on steroids/alien party-inspired! There is a distinctive autotune overkill in almost every track. There was written on the Scooter Official page on Facebook: ”Too much helium Rick?” That’s probably what happened. I just feel sorry to say that too much helium doesn’t only give a fun effect to your voice, it can cause the brain to malfunction too.

This feels like picking a fight with the love of your life, and it saddens me. I know you can do so much better. I have loved Scooter music for 17 years now because Scooter always makes me happy. My first memory is sitting in mum’s car screaming my head off: MOVE YOUR ASS!!!! No matter what mood I was in, Scooter always makes me happy. This made me cry. I have always found a way to justify my “weird” taste in music. My friends pick on me (in a friendly matter of course) for being stuck in the 90s. “Scooter, haha, are they still playing???” I always shut them up with playing a killer tune that make them gasp for air. Which track am I going to shut them up with this time? Sugary dip could have worked, except “Have you ever been mellow” have been covered to death already. Have you ever been mellow? Yeah, but I never thought Scooter were the ones that would cause it.

I feel empty, depressed, battered. I just want to close my eyes and pretend it never happened. Please guys, wake up from this inspiration drainage. Go back to making banging tunes that sell thousands of copies. That is played to death in local radios all over the globe. What you used to do best. Why leave a success formula once you have obtained it? It is like ruining Coca Cola. C’est bleu and Summer Dream are the only highlights on the whole album. It is the closest I’ll come to feeling proud of this album. Still far away from that feeling though. Somewhat it feels like these were the only two tracks you couldn’t fit on the last album, so you chucked it onto this one. Why not stick to that? Yeah, used to not be too fond of jump either, but I’ve kinda gotten used to it now. This style…what to call it?... I’ll never get used to this, sorry. Never.

How is it supposed to be right when 8 tracks into the album, you have to pause it to get painkillers for the sudden headache that appeared? I said this feels like picking a fight with the love of your life. I still feel like that. I feel drained, yelled at, yelled back at, lonely, sad, and wondering what the hell happens now. It’s not a good feeling at all. The constant nagging feeling – so this is it? Is this the end of my 17 year old love relationship to Scooter music? Will all I ever be left with be the good memories from old times? From the concert we had together last weekend that made me smile, even though it was hot as hell, and the Danish crowd were pushing like madmen. From the old, banging tunes that made me happy, no matter what mood I was in. That made me proud when playing them to my friends. Telling my friends that not only did I become a fan, but more felt like I was part of one, big family, making friends that will last a lifetime. Friends that loved the same music as me, and that I could relate to in so many ways, to the joy of “Hi Liv-Runi, so nice to see you again, how did you like the concert?” when I managed to get backstage. Family, friends, and a feeling that my opinion mattered, was cherished and respected.

Every artist are allowed to fxxk up once and a while. They shouldn’t be hated for taking a step (or should I say nosedive?) in the wrong direction. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is whether you learn from your mistakes or not. Guys, I still love you, I am just very disappointed. Please don’t do this ever again. It hurts too much for my heart to handle. Better luck next time, hey?

Like they say in Batman Begins: “Why do we fall Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again.” In the mean time I’ll just close my eyes (and ears), and pretend this was all a bad dream, and that I’ll wake up from it soon.

Lots of love, Lisstuppa
xoxoxo

Spot on!

26. Extremely long posts by people who write in a novel and flowery way that hardly anybody actually reads, featuring musical terms and words that the poster clearly doesn't understand.

27. The new member with only one or two posts who claims to be a massive fan of the band in question, but secretly just wants to promote their blog.

28. One-upmanship. i.e. "I've been a fan since [early album]", "I've seen the band live [enormous figure] times", "I've met the band [enormous figure] times and here's the pictures to prove it".

29. Heated defenses of the use of the band's songs in commercials.

29. a "what are your favorite [x] songs?" thread where superfans fill their lists with rare, unreleased tracks (usually rough demos leaked against the artist's consent) that are nowhere near as good as the artist's authorized work.

29a. mass outrage when favorite demos and live tracks don't make it onto the album ("why wasn't I consulted!?")

(30 & 30a, should be)

Ha, I was once consulted re which demo / live track should go on an album! They listened! I had to send them mp3 bootlegs of said song cos they couldn't remember how it went!

ooh, what band (or do you not want to say)?

was it Starsailor

Haha! It was the really obvious one. Like, too obvious.

People linking to their own band's music on myspace.

32. Assumption that any serious fan is familiar with most of the extant bootlegs

33. People show up to ask fairly reasonable questions about the band, get savaged by regulars who have seen the question too many times before
34. Artist eventually takes down message board due to an over-abundance of number 4

35. Participants seem considerably more interested in talking about obscure and very different side projects by band members than other bands who do actually sound like the band they love.

Participants seem considerably more interested in talking about obscure and very different side projects by band members than other bands who do actually sound like the band they love

Nothing wrong with that, why would you want to engage in chat about some other band who sound like your faves but aren't as good?

500 posts by Saturday

X-Post: Because they are good too?

36. One user that always seems more interested in their post count than actually saying anything of substance, as if they feel a higher post count gives their posts (which are often unneccessary) substance and compensates for a lack of anything to say.

remove "artist-specific" and yeah that's true

i'm not gonna say who it is though

37. clarification that people disappointed by pre-release album leak should not judge until they've heard the ~mastered~ version, as although it is not a difference that anyone can hear it makes a huge difference believe me i have heard some mastered unmastered albums in my time

38. tattoo design solicitation, bootleg t-shirts

39. LET's WRITE AN [artist] SONG!

40. People getting really geared up about how fantastic the veteran band/artist's new album is although everybody outside the group stopped paying attention to that act 20 years ago.

41. Pictures of forum meet-ups during big 'events', grinning and posing for the camera, and the inevitable fall-out and strained relationships between forum members that you know is going on behind the scenes due to the very nature of forum politics.

42a: On a synthpop act's board, members complaining about the new album containing too many guitars
42b: On a metal act's board, members complaining about the new album being to "soft", containing too many synths and not enough screaming and growling
42c: On a prog act's board, members complaining about too many tracs on the new album being too short
42d: On a dance/techno act's board, members complaining about how the new album contains too much vocals and too traditional song structures.

i hung out on sooo many artist-specific boards before finding ilm and this thread is giving me major flashbacks

Spot on!

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 21 October 2011 04:06 (8 hours ago)

I was going to say frogbs should earn a "get out of SB free" card for that but he just C+P'd it

yes it is a glimpse into the life of those who were shaped by "Move Your Ass" and "Crank It Up"

the weird thing is that parts of that rant sound like actual Scooter lyrics

My mother, who is not at all internetty or au fait with modern music at all (although still loves The Who) actually moderates a board for a lesser-known singer-songwriter. This is pretty much the only music she ever listens to (although she did request the Mumford & Sons CD for her bday) and goes to loads of the gigs, does the merch etc. She has quite a few tales to tell about the one or two obsessive ladies who are all over the board and then go to every gig and try and spend ages with the singer and can get a bit psycho.

First internet site I ever 'hung out' on was a Swedish Suede fan site...

(although she did request the Mumford & Sons CD for her bday)

SB'd your mum for this

haha

hey their name is practically an anagram of Songs for Mums

43. Lengthy, Nicholson Baker-esque accounts of trips to shows, including train times, length of walk to venue, meals consumed, other forum members met, other forum members not met, respective positions of forum members in venue ("and Jackie said she saw Debs and Linda in Block C"), amusing incident involving security staff, signs of acknowledgement by band members ("I shouted WE LOVE YOU NICKY and he smiled right back at me, LOL bless him!")...

44. New album, not perceivably different from their last six, is coming out. Wide-eyed dreamers start speculating that maybe this is the one that finally breaks (band) through to a wide audience, or alternately, returns them to their former glory. Jaded regulars rant about how the ''sheep who listen to that Britney Spears cr*p'' will never get the subtle genius of (band). 500 posts by Saturday, album flops but excerpt of single used in toothbrush commercial.

I don't know how to react to this thread, I laugh and cry at the same time.

Jaded regulars rant about how the ''sheep who listen to that Britney Spears cr*p'' will never get the subtle genius of (band).

Would not happen on a Britney Spears message board ;)

Ok, fair enough, but I stand by my conviction that, everywhere else, Britney Spears remains shorthand for ''pop drivel listened to by popular kids.''

Thread is gold BTW.

45. Random googler / interloper / friend of another fan / person, who has heard new album by chance in odd circumstances and who normally likes a totally different genre of music, who registers just so they can make an elongated post detailing how the hi-hat playing is nowhere near as exciting as [insert metal band].

46. 100-post threads asking people to literally rate and rank every song by the artist

47. Friday night "virtual forum pub" thread for people to talk shit in as if they were down the pub together. Possibly named after a real pub.

48. Recurring "Random thread" which is allowed to get to 50+ pages in length before being locked and another one started, and which is meant to act as a repository for all the off-topic forum gossip and nonsense.

106. Fans of the earlier stuff and the later stuff lock horns. Fans of the later stuff accuse the fans of the earlier stuff of being nostalgic and precious, and that the band/artist has moved on and has left them behind, fans of the earlier stuff tell the fans of the later stuff that they weren't there at the time and you just wouldn't understand, man.

107. Journalists or critics who have even dared to write a middling or bad review of a bands/artists gigs or albums are immediately noted down by hardcore fans who can't take the slightest bit of criticism regarding the work of their favourite band/artists and are mentioned frequently on the boards as an example of someone who "has it in" for the band/artist.

108. "Let's flood the comment box of this review with comments to show this idiot critic just how wrong his or her opinion really is!"

109. "Have you seen what this dickhead has written on Amazon? Let's flood Amazon with positive reviews to show this idiot just how wrong his or her opinion really is!"

110. "Holy shit, have you seen what people are writing on RYM? Have you seen how unfairly low the RYM average is on the new album? Let's flood RYM with positive reviews to show everyone just how wrong everyone else is about this album!"

109. Being aware that 70% of front row/'golden circle' tickets for band's arena tour is populated by forum regulars; Recognising many of these faces but personally keeping your distance 6-7 rows deep from the front

111. People speculating about what Pitchfork are going to think of the new album when they get around to reviewing it: "I think it'll be 7.6", "Nah, I'm feeling an 8.1", "BNM!", "Yeah, if it doesn't get BNM there's something wrong"

Eh, 112

113. "It's not that the new stuff is awful, far from it! You just have to hear it live!"

114. Forum member dares to criticise a new single or new album by a band, gets immediately shot-down with: "You're not a true fan, fuck off and listen to Justin Bieber."

115. Culture clash between the Main sub-board and the Other Music sub-board, many regulars of which claim no longer to like the band.

116. uncomfortable sexual tension

117. Hurt/Heal forum games

118. Attempts to sway the result of sites' clickbaity polls/tournaments/etc

119. Lecherous and/or lovelorn comments directed at photos of any female artist/band member

120. Regular hate/trolling/banning/invasions/general animosity toward the one artist designated as an untalented copycat of the forum's subject

121. Year-end lists and freakoutery about how the forum's subject is not on them

122. non-musical sub-boards that invariably includes a Politics board where the discourse rarely hovers slightly above cringeworthy

123. avatars which features the poster quoting himself one time he shined some other n00b who said something stupid about <band>

*THE one time

124. No activity because everyone has moved to Facebook.

125. "Hey! So, I bought two copies of the new album on vinyl today, and (*insert painfully long description of the pressing, the weight of the vinyl and the sound quality*), I've gone one of the items right here with me - the other, of course, is going to stay sealed LOL."

*gone=got

103. Young member of the forum, possibly brainwashed into liking said band/artists by his/her middle aged divorcee parents, who take him/her to gigs by said band/artist simply to have someone to go with because the realities of parenthood and work have decreased their social circles significantly, makes occasional posts about how he/she finds the 60+ year old singer/keyboardist/bassist attractive.

― You’re being too simplistic and you’re insulting my poor heart (Turrican), Thursday, August 27, 2015 4:48 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

"on every artist-specific message board ever"

Incredibly, I've seen that happen quite a few times.

126. "What songs should [band] cover?"

127. "What songs are you sick of hearing live?"

128. Alternate versions of albums that include demos and b-sides from the same era

129. Arguments about drummers

130. "Help me make a mixtape for friend who only knows the hits"

131. Songs tournaments

132. Someone gives way more thought about the band's music and lyrics than the band themselves ever did

133. Has anyone heard this obscure b-side by (band) named "Call Out Research Hook," I have ordered a CD with it for $11 and can't wait to hear it!