Is it bad for a baby to see you masturbating?

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You'll have some explaining to do if it starts imitating the movements, though.

StanM (StanM), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:01 (8 years ago) Permalink

what is the film that you've downloaded?

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:03 (8 years ago) Permalink

Put the baby in the next room for five minutes, ffs.

Amity Wong (noodle vague), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:05 (8 years ago) Permalink

Honey, I squirted jizz all over the baby.

xpost

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:07 (8 years ago) Permalink

Five minute movies, eh? Where did I hear about that before?

Oh no! You didn't cancel that subscription!

StanM (StanM), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:08 (8 years ago) Permalink

DAMN YOU KEN C YOU STOLE MY POST!

Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

noodle vague otm. or put the YOU in the next room.

mies van der rohffle (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:10 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'd be a bit worried about somebody who could concentrate on knocking one out with a baby staring at them.

Amity Wong (noodle vague), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:15 (8 years ago) Permalink

Yeah, there ain't NO WAY I could consider 'pleasuring myself' with an infant audience. That's fucking creepy.

Rumpie (lil drummer girl parumpumpumpu), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:18 (8 years ago) Permalink

This is going to be a scene in, like, American Pie 7, isn't it?

James Ward (jamesmichaelward), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

this is quite possibly the worst idea for a thread i've ever seen, which is really fucking saying something.

J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:23 (8 years ago) Permalink

If the baby HAD to be in the same room, you could have at least turned them around to look the other way. Euw!

Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:24 (8 years ago) Permalink

blindfolds.

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:26 (8 years ago) Permalink

Come on people, if the baby's presence doesn't bother the poster, beneath the initial "Ewww!" reaction (brought up by cultural conditioning), what's wrong with this? No one gets harmed in any way, someone gets a bit happier.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:46 (8 years ago) Permalink

I think that might get him put in prison Ken!
x-post
Strongly disagree with you there Tuomas. it's not cultural conditioning, it's just pretty gross IMO.

Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:48 (8 years ago) Permalink

cultural conditioning has its points.

Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:49 (8 years ago) Permalink

it's only cultural conditioning that says you shouldn't masturbate over a baby.

Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:50 (8 years ago) Permalink

Pink, of course it's cultural conditioning, what else could it be? In the Middle Age couples had sex with their children in the same bed, do you think they cared about masturbating before a baby?

Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:50 (8 years ago) Permalink

the plague was the greatest thing that could have happened to the middle ages.

mies van der rohffle (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:51 (8 years ago) Permalink

in the middle ages they burned witches but our stupid cultural conditioning ruined everything.

Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:57 (8 years ago) Permalink

WHAT TEH FUCK ARE YUO DOING?!?!?

Amity Wong (noodle vague), Monday, 5 December 2005 11:58 (8 years ago) Permalink

cannibalism is just social conditioning

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:05 (8 years ago) Permalink

The baby might not know what's going on, but I'd worry about the motivation of the wanker.

Mädchen (Madchen), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:08 (8 years ago) Permalink

i won't let loggedwaythefuckout or tuomas babysit for my children that's for sure.

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:09 (8 years ago) Permalink

how are your children doing, ken?

Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:11 (8 years ago) Permalink

They are still at the planning stage. The plans are still pretty basic, but does include 'not to be subjected to witnessing masturbation while an infant' as one of the several important points.

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:15 (8 years ago) Permalink

fascist.

Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:17 (8 years ago) Permalink

just another victim of social conditioning

J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:30 (8 years ago) Permalink

Samuel Delany's "Heavenly Breakfast", a memoir about a year or so where he lived in a commune, points out the "dirty untold secret" that apparently baby scent is a crazy aphrodisiac. There is a description of a couple sleeping with the baby in their bed, and getting all hot and bothered, and having sex. And then (as I recall) feeling a bit weird about it, and realizing something about the baby was making them all horny, and deciding it was probably a natural enough reaction and not worrying about.

That said, while I doubt any harm whatsoever is going to come to a baby who watches someone masturbate, it's still easy enough to maintain a little privacy and put the baby (or yourself) elsewhere. The baby shouldn't have to watch you jerk off, you know? So, you know, why not? Especially if it isn't your baby.

Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:53 (8 years ago) Permalink

(I'm not saying Delany's theory is right or wrong, mind you. I have no idea. I am not a babyologist.)

Casuistry (Chris P), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:54 (8 years ago) Permalink

Especially if it isn't your baby.

I hadn't even thought of that...

If you're babysitting, just call the parents and ask them if it's okay.

StanM (StanM), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:55 (8 years ago) Permalink

"Hi, Uncle Steve, I just wandered if it was... OK to... wank next to your baby?"

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:07 (8 years ago) Permalink

Splashing around in that hot water with my woman, I began to get ideas, as they say. After a while I placed my body in such a position in the water that the baby could not see my hard-on.
I did this by going deeper and deeper in the water, like a dinosaur, and letting the green slime and dead fish cover me over.

Øystein (Øystein), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:16 (8 years ago) Permalink

WTF???


"Hi, Uncle Steve, I just wandered if it was... OK to... wank next to your baby?" - this is making me roffle like a madman.

Rumpie (lil drummer girl parumpumpumpu), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:20 (8 years ago) Permalink

You could play Freak On A Leash. Errr, that's a different thread, I guess. Seriously, ew, masturbating in the same room as your child?!? Of course the kid's not going to know what you're doing, but don't/would you feel uncomfortable wanking in his/her presence?

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:27 (8 years ago) Permalink

yeah, there's actually a lot of research on infant learning that suggests they're considerably more conscious than we usually think of them as being. Assuming this already happened, 1) you seriously need to learn to reign in your impulses and 2) it probably won't do any long term damage unless it becomes a habit. In the eyes of the law, of course, it'd count as child molestation and get you ten years, and not without reason.

Banana Nutrament (ghostface), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:34 (8 years ago) Permalink

Children are most receptive to learning and absorbing new things between the ages of 0-5, yeah? WANK AWAY.

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:38 (8 years ago) Permalink

'absorbing new things'

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

thank you nick.

ken c (ken c), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:40 (8 years ago) Permalink

It's an offense, yeah?

(I know I'm offended but you can do time for it?)

Rumpie (lil drummer girl parumpumpumpu), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:41 (8 years ago) Permalink

Not sure if it's bad but it's definitely funny.

teeny (teeny), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:44 (8 years ago) Permalink

Of course it's not bad, but I think it's just ICKY.

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:50 (8 years ago) Permalink

Actually, fuck it, I think it's bad.

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:58 (8 years ago) Permalink

Really bad.

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:58 (8 years ago) Permalink

EVIL!

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:59 (8 years ago) Permalink

Do you have the kid on a leash while you're masturbating?

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:59 (8 years ago) Permalink

If so, double ew with yuck on top.

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:59 (8 years ago) Permalink

I'm hyperventilating now.

Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 14:00 (8 years ago) Permalink

With excitement!

Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 5 December 2005 14:02 (8 years ago) Permalink

doing it with the dog looking is the worst. Every time you look over they look away and pretend their not watching.

aylene (Dorca), Monday, 5 December 2005 14:03 (8 years ago) Permalink

looooooooool

Curt1s Stephens, Thursday, 28 June 2007 02:02 (7 years ago) Permalink

I always thought of masturbation as more of a sprint than a marathon.

milo z, Thursday, 28 June 2007 02:21 (7 years ago) Permalink

4 months pass...

This thread is EPIC.

HI DERE, Monday, 12 November 2007 18:08 (7 years ago) Permalink

Liberals...

Jeb, Monday, 12 November 2007 19:02 (7 years ago) Permalink

1st gis for "epic masturbation"

The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Monday, 12 November 2007 19:06 (7 years ago) Permalink

That actually is some pretty epic masturbation if you need both a horse and a rifle!

HI DERE, Monday, 12 November 2007 19:27 (7 years ago) Permalink

that man was the baby.

The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Monday, 12 November 2007 20:00 (7 years ago) Permalink

nobody puts baby in a corner (and then jerks off)

milo z, Monday, 12 November 2007 20:16 (7 years ago) Permalink

It's only bad if it participates

Bo Jackson Overdrive, Monday, 12 November 2007 23:45 (7 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

happy new year, ILE

^likes black girls (HI DERE), Monday, 12 January 2009 22:38 (5 years ago) Permalink

Good luck, Finland!

The boy with the Arab money (The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics), Monday, 12 January 2009 22:40 (5 years ago) Permalink

That terrified baby gif is amazing.

2 5 (Z S), Monday, 12 January 2009 22:44 (5 years ago) Permalink

This is the sort of thing that I Love Baby-Making will be host to.

Gorgeous Preppy (G00blar), Monday, 12 January 2009 23:10 (5 years ago) Permalink

He was in and out and round about
He was in and out and round about
He was in and out and round about

Daddy's got a squeeze box
Baby never sleeps at night

nickn, Tuesday, 13 January 2009 04:17 (5 years ago) Permalink

7 months pass...

fingerNAGLs (DJ Mencap), Friday, 11 September 2009 19:20 (5 years ago) Permalink

that's definitely the kind of thing that should be shared with your friends & colleagues.

ian, Friday, 11 September 2009 19:28 (5 years ago) Permalink

ILE tackles the big questions that have confounded mankind for ages!

"Why are we here?"
"Where did we come from?"
"Is it okay to masturbate in front of the baby before we go?"
"Are those nachos?"

― Dan (And So On) Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 5 December 2005 16:57 (3 years ago)

classic for all time

a full circle lol (J0hn D.), Friday, 11 September 2009 19:30 (5 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for you to see your baby masturbating?

Zeno, Friday, 11 September 2009 19:31 (5 years ago) Permalink

via iphone = in the process?

Akon/Family (Merdeyeux), Friday, 11 September 2009 19:32 (5 years ago) Permalink

11 months pass...

is it bad for a baby on television to see you masturbating?

funky brewster (San Te), Sunday, 29 August 2010 12:18 (4 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for a baby NOT to see you masturbating?

dayo, Sunday, 29 August 2010 13:02 (4 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for masturbating for you to see a baby?

I.C.P. Freely (bernard snowy), Sunday, 29 August 2010 16:21 (4 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for Dancing Baby to see you masturbating?

Carmine Dirtnap from North Arlington (Eisbaer), Sunday, 29 August 2010 16:51 (4 years ago) Permalink

how is dancing babby formed

glutinous maximus (corey), Sunday, 29 August 2010 17:10 (4 years ago) Permalink

Is it bad for a baby portabella to see you masturbating?

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Sunday, 29 August 2010 17:21 (4 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for masturbating for you to see a baby?

um YES

Trouble-Making Foods (HI DERE), Sunday, 29 August 2010 17:35 (4 years ago) Permalink

you're just culturally conditioned to believe that

funky brewster (San Te), Sunday, 29 August 2010 18:00 (4 years ago) Permalink

So it only took 5 years for this board to turn into "A Serbian Film"

All thing considered, that's an eternity in Internet tine so congrats to us all for staving off hell for that long.

Trouble-Making Foods (HI DERE), Sunday, 29 August 2010 18:19 (4 years ago) Permalink

is it bad for masturbating babies to see?

funky brewster (San Te), Sunday, 29 August 2010 18:25 (4 years ago) Permalink

what a thread

diamonddave85, Sunday, 29 August 2010 20:30 (4 years ago) Permalink

Uh wow. No, help.

seandalai, Monday, 30 August 2010 00:19 (4 years ago) Permalink

cultural conditioning has its points.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, December 5, 2005 6:49 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

horseshoe, Monday, 30 August 2010 00:30 (4 years ago) Permalink

only if it is the correct conditioning.

rage for the machine (banaka), Monday, 30 August 2010 00:32 (4 years ago) Permalink

Also, this thread needs an overbearing Brooklyn father to come up, cuff it on the back of the head and say, "Jeeeesus Christ, what the FUCK is wrong with you?"

― M@tt He1geson (Matt Helgeson), Monday, December 5, 2005 2:19 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

horseshoe, Monday, 30 August 2010 00:36 (4 years ago) Permalink

4 months pass...

Is it bad for dick cheney to see you masturbating

show me your ticks (San Te), Monday, 24 January 2011 20:41 (3 years ago) Permalink

1 year passes...

During your baby's first month, she can focus only about 20cm to 30cm away

the late great, Friday, 11 May 2012 02:30 (2 years ago) Permalink

what if it's a boy?
i bet you he could see further. because boys are better. it's science.

Porto for Pyros (The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall), Friday, 11 May 2012 04:28 (2 years ago) Permalink

"He was in and out and round about, doing this sort of thing all over the house, "

Impossible not to imagine this sentence as a lyric

Race Against Rockism (Myonga Vön Bontee), Friday, 11 May 2012 06:26 (2 years ago) Permalink

During your baby's first month, she can focus only about 20cm to 30cm away

will make the future repressed memories of a shuffling blur moaning to itself in Finnish all the more mysterious

like Joe Pasquale and Gandhi (Noodle Vague), Friday, 11 May 2012 06:30 (2 years ago) Permalink

It's the rest of the song I worry about...

xpost You know what? The one big ILX fallacy (oo-er) is that Tuomas was the original poster...

Mark G, Friday, 11 May 2012 06:31 (2 years ago) Permalink

i was trying to get at that if the baby can see you you're doing it too close to the baby

the late great, Friday, 11 May 2012 06:32 (2 years ago) Permalink

http://efukt.com/20614_Babysitting_Fail.html

dylannn, Friday, 11 May 2012 07:24 (2 years ago) Permalink

ok, moving beyond vanilla stuff, would pissing/a2m/etc be ok in front of a child, 'because it woudln't understand'?
― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Monday, December 5, 2005 9:36 AM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Boris Kutyurkokhov (Eisbaer), Saturday, 12 May 2012 02:06 (2 years ago) Permalink

3 months pass...

buzza, Friday, 31 August 2012 03:04 (2 years ago) Permalink

this simon guy

dylannn, Friday, 31 August 2012 03:33 (2 years ago) Permalink

buncha squares

call all destroyer, Friday, 31 August 2012 03:38 (2 years ago) Permalink

9 months pass...

FAMILY groups are demanding The Janoskians apologise for the baby skit Little Britain star Matt Lucas slammed as ''repulsive'' and ''witless''.

In the sketch, uploaded to YouTube, members of the Glenroy boy band are seen simulating lewd acts in bus shelters, shopping centres and under escalators, with one member telling a mother "your baby's sexy''.

Leza Sullivan, of child protection group Bravehearts said: ''Simulating sexual acts in front of a child, and exposing a child to that, can be classed as sexual assault.

''Then, to make fun of it, and trivialise it, is appalling. But they took it one step too far when they started engaging actively with children.''

Bravehearts and the Australian Family Association said The Janoskians record label, Sony Music, should force their act to take the video down.

''The Sony brand should not be associated with this behaviour,'' Ms Sullivan said.

Anti-abuse lobby group, Safe Australia Movement, said the clip contains ''paedophilic references aimed at a six-week-old baby and her mother''.

''To harass a mother in such a way is abusive. Anyone that accepts this behavior is accepting abuse,'' said spokesman William Fagan.

But the group defended the video in a series of tweets on Wednesday night from their official Twitter account.

The five-member group said it didn't regret filming the video.

"OK guys so the hole (sic) purpose of public wanking is to see unseen reactions,'' the Janoskians said.

"It's never been done before and it's interesting to see reactions.

"For the people who think we took it to (sic) far have really closed minds about the subject.

"It was acting and if you couldn't tell we weren't really wanking. Not only the baby would never understand what's going on.

"The hole (sic) purpose was to see the mother's reaction ... and it was good. Definitely our favourite video.''

But Terri Kelleher, of the Australian Family Association, said the clip was ''highly offensive''.

''They should have been arrested,'' Ms Kelleher said.

Ms Kelleher added to calls for Sony to take action against the boy band and also urged parents to discourage their children from supporting The Janoskians, who are performing shows for touring giant, Live Nation, later this month.

Little Britain's Lucas took to Twitter on Wednesday night to slam the video.

''The group member claims that the baby sexually excites him and proceeds to stand by the pram while pretending to masturbate, to the obvious and not unreasonable distress of the baby's mother and grandmother,'' Lucas said.

''Am I too old to get it? Maybe I am. If so, I'm glad. It's repulsive.

''It's probably already criminal. It's certainly utterly witless.''

Sony Music did not respond to calls for comment before deadline.

dimension nickröss (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 6 June 2013 11:21 (1 year ago) Permalink

christ when Matt Lucas calls you out on being repulsive and witless

sleepish resistance (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 6 June 2013 11:34 (1 year ago) Permalink


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