Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?
A: because he didn't want to catch ADS
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:18 (9 years ago) Permalink
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (9 years ago) Permalink
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:19 (9 years ago) Permalink
And buys...
A GLASS OF MILK!!
(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)
― Sarah (starry), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (9 years ago) Permalink
― winterland, Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (9 years ago) Permalink
In the last couple of years:- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.- Virgin?- No, GNER
― Madchen (Madchen), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:49 (9 years ago) Permalink
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:51 (9 years ago) Permalink
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:55 (9 years ago) Permalink
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:59 (9 years ago) Permalink
― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:01 (9 years ago) Permalink
― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:02 (9 years ago) Permalink
― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:04 (9 years ago) Permalink
― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (9 years ago) Permalink
What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?
― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (9 years ago) Permalink
Take it to the fridge.
― hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (9 years ago) Permalink
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (9 years ago) Permalink
Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?A: Fugazi Bear
Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.
― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (9 years ago) Permalink
"We shall come over!"
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (9 years ago) Permalink
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.
Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.
Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (9 years ago) Permalink
I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (9 years ago) Permalink
― kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (9 years ago) Permalink
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (9 years ago) Permalink
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (9 years ago) Permalink
Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?
A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.
One I made up when I was wee:
Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?
A: A McAckus
I prefer my brother's one really.
― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (9 years ago) Permalink
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (9 years ago) Permalink
I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:
"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"
Get it?
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (9 years ago) Permalink
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?
The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again"
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (9 years ago) Permalink
What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?
Peter Pancakes.
And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.
(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)
― David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (9 years ago) Permalink
Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?
Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.
― James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (5 years ago) Permalink
A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"
The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".
― RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (3 years ago) Permalink
My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.
WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT AREJUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVESDOWN WE GO CLEAR THE WAYINTO THE SEA BELOWBUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHTDOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTHEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDINGINTO THE SEA BELOW
I still sing it at Christmas
― VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (3 years ago) Permalink
Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:
Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?
Julio! (like Coolio, etc)
― musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (3 years ago) Permalink
i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)
Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (3 years ago) Permalink
My brother, at age three, came up with:
Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?Because it wanted to melt.
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (3 years ago) Permalink
Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:
What did one pig say to the other pig?Oink oink.
And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.
― calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (3 years ago) Permalink
did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (3 years ago) Permalink
It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.
― zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (3 years ago) Permalink
your mom
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (3 years ago) Permalink
did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (3 years ago) Permalink
my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (3 years ago) Permalink
this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....
― Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (3 years ago) Permalink
Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?............Because they dragon.
― RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (2 years ago) Permalink
What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
^
Professional level joke imo
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (2 years ago) Permalink
My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:
Knock knock?Who's there?Ha.Ha who?Nothin'.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (2 years ago) Permalink
Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (2 years ago) Permalink
U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (2 years ago) Permalink
Ha rhyming with "claw"Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (2 years ago) Permalink
well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (2 years ago) Permalink
i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:02 (2 years ago) Permalink
I think he is just being a silly guy.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:07 (2 years ago) Permalink
So I don't know if I've told you about my new career, but I've become a shoemaker to the stars. That's right, a shoemaker to the stars. For example, these boots were made for Walken.
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Saturday, 9 February 2013 04:16 (3 months ago) Permalink
brilliant
― walloreinhart (Autumn Almanac), Saturday, 9 February 2013 04:21 (3 months ago) Permalink
Q: Which Wu-Tang member is the greatest actor?A: Method Man.
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Monday, 11 February 2013 12:48 (3 months ago) Permalink
"Hey Corey, I'm gonna go to that yoga class, wanna come?""Nah, I'm-a stay."
― flamboyant goon tie included, Tuesday, 12 February 2013 23:33 (3 months ago) Permalink
I approve of that joke
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 12 February 2013 23:46 (3 months ago) Permalink
I hope you remember it at your next group shavasana
― flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 13 February 2013 03:09 (3 months ago) Permalink
I got into a terrible fight with my girlfriend. She was so angry at me that she ripped my sweater all the way down the front. But you know what, I don't mind, because love, love will tear us a cardigan.
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Friday, 22 February 2013 21:20 (3 months ago) Permalink
That was great.
― she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Friday, 22 February 2013 23:23 (3 months ago) Permalink
What did Captain Keef say when he saw the SS Bounty off the starboard bow?
"That's that ship I don't like"
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Friday, 1 March 2013 04:36 (2 months ago) Permalink
What did the wookie order at the mexican restaurant?A buRRRRRRRRito! (said by making a wookie sound instead of rolling your r's)
― Fetchboy, Friday, 1 March 2013 05:36 (2 months ago) Permalink
A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Larry, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd you."
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 12 March 2013 19:12 (2 months ago) Permalink
A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Laura, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd ewe."
― NWOFHM! Overlord (krakow), Tuesday, 12 March 2013 23:31 (2 months ago) Permalink
lol
― how's life, Wednesday, 13 March 2013 09:49 (2 months ago) Permalink
mind blown
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 13 March 2013 14:25 (2 months ago) Permalink
So, to boost morale, my philosophy department has decided to start having causal fridays.
― space phwoar (Hurting 2), Monday, 18 March 2013 18:56 (2 months ago) Permalink
How do you stop a german literature buff from choking?
Give them the heinrich mann oeuvre.
― beau 'daedaly (wins), Tuesday, 26 March 2013 20:27 (1 month ago) Permalink
why was glenn gould always so busy?
because he had to play a lot of gigues.
― i've a cozy little flat in what is known as old man hat (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 27 March 2013 17:05 (1 month ago) Permalink
high marks all
― No, not sinister (Austerity Ponies), Thursday, 28 March 2013 14:22 (1 month ago) Permalink
Why did Thom Yorke reject Liam Gallagher's donation of his own body parts for the school raffle?
Because Noel arms and nose are prizes, please
― dschinghis kraan (NickB), Thursday, 18 April 2013 10:53 (1 month ago) Permalink
took me a while to get that one.
― pssstttt, Hey you (dog latin), Thursday, 18 April 2013 10:54 (1 month ago) Permalink
I'm writing an economic study about the workers at a chain hotdog stand in the UK.
It's called "The Welsh of Nathan's"
― charlie 4chan, internet detective (Hurting 2), Thursday, 18 April 2013 14:00 (1 month ago) Permalink
What was the gutter punk's favorite Steve Miller song
Fly like an oogle.
― how's life, Thursday, 18 April 2013 18:32 (1 month ago) Permalink
I dated a customs official once but in the end she had too much baggage.
― pssstttt, Hey you (dog latin), Thursday, 18 April 2013 21:10 (1 month ago) Permalink
i like it
― charlie 4chan, internet detective (Hurting 2), Thursday, 18 April 2013 21:21 (1 month ago) Permalink
You know, they say the gay rights movement started with the Stonewall Riots, but those are bullshit. Total false fag operation.
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:08 (1 month ago) Permalink
Slept with a ballerina last night. She was on point.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:12 (1 month ago) Permalink
Submitted the following to a short-lived falafel spot on St. Mark's in a contest to name a dish: 'I let this chickpea in my mouth and now I falafel.' Did not win.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:15 (1 month ago) Permalink
falafel = feel awful is kind of an old standard but I like your twist
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:16 (1 month ago) Permalink
The causal fridays one upthread is too good.
― viacom dios, Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:23 (1 month ago) Permalink
ty, I liked your on point as well
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Sunday, 21 April 2013 03:24 (1 month ago) Permalink
Noel arms and nose are prizes is gonna haunt my thoughts for eternity tbh.
― Elvis was a hero to most but he never her (ledge), Sunday, 21 April 2013 20:49 (1 month ago) Permalink
Q: What dancehall artist is #1 on pirate radio stations?
A: B-arrrrr-ington Levy.
― Chuck E was a hero to most (s.clover), Sunday, 28 April 2013 23:29 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
So I ran into my friend the lingerie model the other day, and she was looking really sad. So I asked her "why the thong lace?"
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 30 April 2013 20:19 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
Nice.
― o. nate, Tuesday, 30 April 2013 20:31 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
I asked my friend if he wanted to come w/ me to this German philosophy discussion but he told me he was busy and that he Kant Goethe anything tonight :(
― siouxsan sarandon (Stevie D(eux)), Wednesday, 1 May 2013 21:11 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
like
― huun huurt 2 (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 1 May 2013 21:22 (3 weeks ago) Permalink
Q: What's six foot three and purple?
A: René Aubergine
― great wallogina (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 6 May 2013 23:46 (2 weeks ago) Permalink
A: What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?A: A brotozoa.
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:39 (1 week ago) Permalink
Whoops, sorry, "What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?" was supposed to be the A:
I have a condition you see
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:45 (1 week ago) Permalink
It was supposed to be the Q:
(...condition)
― del griffith, Saturday, 11 May 2013 01:46 (1 week ago) Permalink
Did you hear that Roger Waters just crashed his inflatable pig into London's tallest building?? I know it's wrong to laugh but eh, Shard and Floyd
― dschinghis kraan (NickB), Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:04 (1 week ago) Permalink
ouch.
― how's life, Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:11 (1 week ago) Permalink
Don't suppose you heard his disastrous cover of Smooth Operator either then?
― dschinghis kraan (NickB), Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:28 (1 week ago) Permalink
wow.
― how's life, Tuesday, 14 May 2013 14:35 (1 week ago) Permalink
I hear certain 1970s hairstyles are back in fashion at the moment?Yep, afros are big right now.
― nagl dude dude dude (ledge), Monday, 20 May 2013 13:35 (2 days ago) Permalink
¡GOL! I'm actually gonna use that on irl.
― Pasty, British & Shit (wins), Monday, 20 May 2013 14:52 (2 days ago) Permalink
Where do crust punks get those fashionable clothes?
American oogle
― how's life, Tuesday, 21 May 2013 23:27 (Yesterday) Permalink