Po-Faced Absurdity of DC Comics, Part 2: Son of Po-Face

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geez, with a name like "speedy"

― s1ocki (slutsky), Wednesday, 9 March 2005 23:45 (nineteen years ago) link

He should get a new sidekick called "Cracky."

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 10 March 2005 01:48 (nineteen years ago) link

Speedy only got into opiates to rebel against the name Big Daddy forced upon him

― kit brash (kit brash), Thursday, 10 March 2005 11:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Leave Black Canary alone! She can't help it if she's a hep-talkin' groovy mama

― Mark C (Markco), Thursday, 10 March 2005 11:33 (nineteen years ago) link

I'm sure a writer's done a story where Green Arrow goes off all a pointin' and the characters roll their eyes and say, "Oh, there goes Ollie AGAIN..." and walk out of the room. Can someone point me at that story?

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 10 March 2005 15:19 (nineteen years ago) link

I think Speedy's done that a few times. Probably while high.

"You don't KNOW ME, man! I got PROBLEMS that you can't even ... um ... aw, $!@#! Just BACK OFF, Gramps, before I BREAK your WALKER! stupidssumminaflaghradkslFIVE DOLLARS? gedoddaherre..."

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 15:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh wow - Cheech & Chong (circa now) as Green Arrow & Speedy!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 15:30 (nineteen years ago) link

During Kevin Smith's run, when GA was fresh from the grave, his first run-ins with Aquaman (where he lectured him about democracy and how the King of the Ocean needed to get hip to the power of the people) and Hawkman (his right-wing counter-part during the classic JLA era) both ended with hugs. "Oh it's so good to have you back, you blustery windbag!"

― Huk-L, Thursday, 10 March 2005 15:32 (nineteen years ago) link

Just curious, but how on earth did they resurrect Oliver Queen and have it make sense?

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 10 March 2005 17:59 (nineteen years ago) link

Well, lucky for Oliver, when he died his best was all-powerful and full of regret. Hal Jordan was in his Parallax phase then, and just before he sacrificed himself to reignite the sun in Final Night, he stopped at Ollie's gravesite and using his crazy Parallax powers pulled traces of Ollie's DNA off Superman's costume. (When Hal, by then the Spectre, explained it to Ollie, he joked about how it would have been impossible to do if Ollie had blown up all over Batman, because that guy actually does his laundry, or rather, has a butler who does his laundry.) From those, he fashioned Ollie a new body.
Then he went to Heaven (I'm not sure how Parallax got into Heaven, even on a day pass, so don't ask) to get Ollie's soul back into the body. Ollie-Soul was like, "nuh-uh, hombre. I like it here. Ever hear of the phrase ETERNAL REWARD???"
But Ollie-Soul didn't want to hurt Hal's feelings (and risk having him go all psycho and unravel the timestream AGAIN) so he let Hal recreate a soulless Ollie, but only with memories and physical aging up to the end of when Hal & Ollie had travelled across America looking for meaning.
Ollie's soulless body was found by an old Satanist who wanted a new body and access to the JLA technology to find a particular demon he had the hots for and blah-blah-blah, Ollie-Body and Ollie-Soul were reunited to save the life of Connor Hawke, Ollie's recently revealed son, who had busted in mid-Satanic ritual to save pop-pop but fucked it up because he grew up without a father.

― Huk-L, Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:11 (nineteen years ago) link

Ollie-Body and Ollie-Soul were reunited to save the life of Connor Hawke, Ollie's recently revealed son, who had busted in mid-Satanic ritual to save pop-pop but fucked it up because he grew up without a father.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:19 (nineteen years ago) link

Wow, that's way more convoluted and ridiculous than I'd have guessed. Didn't he die in an explosion or something? Couldn't they just say he escaped or was captured or something?

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:26 (nineteen years ago) link

How would they explain THE BLOOD, though? And the BURNT HAT? And, oh my God, what is that over there in the rubble ... it's ... it's ... THE FINGER! (And it's pointing at me? WTF, Ollie? You're dead! Give it a rest! Libertarian douche.)

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:30 (nineteen years ago) link

The death scene was written to make it very clear that couldn't happen -- when half the issue is "Superman can't save you without amputating your arm," it's hard to sell "but you managed to walk away afterwards" -- as written, though, the resurrection isn't really any more ridiculous than most comics (although it stands out for a Green Arrow story, especially given the last ten, fifteen years of the character).

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:31 (nineteen years ago) link

This is exactly why Marvel and DC should never kill off any iconic characters whatsoever. It's just messy and stupid.

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:34 (nineteen years ago) link

What's more realistic: characters that exist in a permanent status quo, or characters that come back from the dead in improbable, convoluted ways?

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:35 (nineteen years ago) link

What's chocolatier?

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:36 (nineteen years ago) link

Wait a sec - how DID Green Arrow die?

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:36 (nineteen years ago) link

His arm was trapped in a bomb that was going to explode over ... Metropolis? Superman offered to amputate his arm to save him -- he couldn't be removed from the bomb without the bomb going off, but the bomb could be disarmed (ha) if the arm stayed in it; Ollie elected to die rather than be a one-armed archer. (It's possible Superman wasn't positive he could amputate without the bomb going off, I don't remember.) Huck probably remembers details I'm leaving out.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Ha - if only the bomb was over Antartica or North Dakota. "DAMN IT, Clark - I don't CARE about @#!&ing BISMARCK and a bunch of COWS! Just get my ARM of this STUPID BOMB NOW!"

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:45 (nineteen years ago) link

Clearly, from my last post, you can tell that they set GA up the bomb of his arm.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:48 (nineteen years ago) link

I wasn't reading comics from 91 through 03, so I don't remember. It was sort of an homage to DKR where Ollie appears with an arm missing.

In Brad Meltzer's brief run on Green Arrow, he opened with "I was dead. I came back." And I read that and went ZOWEE, that's good enough for me. Because it's a freakin' comic book.

― Huk-L, Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:49 (nineteen years ago) link

Yeah, that's the kind of thing I meant when I originally said I was going to skip GL Rebirth because I didn't care about the journey, just about getting there: bringing Ollie back, bringing Hal back, in the long run the details aren't important. Now, in the case of Rebirth, that might not prove to be the case -- it's hard to say what the status quo will be when it's done. But that's what I thought would happen, anyway.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 10 March 2005 18:51 (nineteen years ago) link

Way back in 1997 I posted this in response to the question of what a 'good death' for GA would be:

"Ollie is facing off against the terrorists. He gets his
arm stuck, not in a bomb, but in a laundry mangler. Slowly, he is
dragged through. Superman slices the arm away with heat vision and
Ollie takes out fifty terrorists, drawing his bowstring with his
teeth. However, he fails to notice the pump-action shotgun levelled at
his back. The blast blows a hole right through his stomach. Watching
the bloody remains of his spine clattering against the wall, Ollie's
resolve only hardens, hardens like the drying blood pooling on the
floor. Heroic to the last, he drags himself painfully towards the
final terrorist and bites his throat out - recieving a knife right
through his head and a butcher's skewer in his heart. Stabbed through
the BRAIN... stabbed through the HEART... HE WILL NOT DIE!! Only when
he smashes through the cockpit window and drops five thousand feet
onto the Daily Planet globe is the heroic life force of Green Arrow
finally, messily extinguished. All that remains is his beard. "The
guns did not miss him, but we shall!" cries a tearful Superman as he
cradles an unidentified bone.

And if that isn't a 'landmark issue' I don't know what is."

I'm not proud of many posts I made back then, but I'm quite proud of that.

― Vic Fluro, Thursday, 10 March 2005 19:09 (nineteen years ago) link

!!!!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 10 March 2005 19:11 (nineteen years ago) link

You are my hero.

― Huk-L, Thursday, 10 March 2005 19:13 (nineteen years ago) link

Hoo-boy!
http://www.titanstower.com/assets/whos%20who/dickgrayson/nwingbat416.jpg

― Huk-L, Friday, 11 March 2005 18:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Jim Starlin exploring the love that dare not speak its name! (& that scene happened just a few months before Jason Todd was whacked! oh my!)

― David R. (popshots75`), Friday, 11 March 2005 18:05 (nineteen years ago) link

http://nightwing.superman.ws/oddities/youthfulangst.gif
http://nightwing.superman.ws/adventures/talkintrash.gif

― Huk-L, Friday, 11 March 2005 18:22 (nineteen years ago) link

How did Bruce Wayne Jr. turn into Muhammed Ali?

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Friday, 11 March 2005 20:09 (nineteen years ago) link

Superman has this chamber, you see, and once you close the door...

― Huk-L, Friday, 11 March 2005 20:10 (nineteen years ago) link

http://homepage.mac.com/phantroll/.cv/phantroll/Public/kirbyhardnaked.jpg-link.jpg

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Saturday, 12 March 2005 03:40 (nineteen years ago) link

OMG, I should get that panel tattoed on my nads.

― Huk-L, Saturday, 12 March 2005 19:06 (nineteen years ago) link

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2723&p=8

some spoof comic covers - I especially liked the batman wedding one

― Mark C (Markco), Monday, 14 March 2005 11:29 (nineteen years ago) link

Really? The URL "Something Awful" seems rather appropriate. You just can't fake this stuff.

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Monday, 14 March 2005 13:03 (nineteen years ago) link

it's monday morning - I take all the laffs I can get

agree that they do not approach the true majesty of genuine 60s comic covers though...

― Mark C (Markco), Monday, 14 March 2005 13:59 (nineteen years ago) link

I kinda liked the World's Least Subtle Innuendo one, which was kind of ironic, because the none of their jokes were very subtle either, and that was their downfall.

― Huk-L, Monday, 14 March 2005 14:31 (nineteen years ago) link

Yeah, it's like doing a 'satire' of a Kirby monster comic or something - what's the point?

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 14 March 2005 14:33 (nineteen years ago) link

"Laughs." (I'm assuming I can't access the SA link from where I currently am - damn you, corporate overlords - which is for the better.)

― David R. (popshots75`), Monday, 14 March 2005 14:40 (nineteen years ago) link

The new 'Comic Chaos' thing they're doing is frankly appallingly bad compared to the excellent first one:

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1809

This had a couple of real golden moments with things like 'Eric Does Not Pay' and the Carly Simon one...

― Vic Fluro, Monday, 14 March 2005 17:27 (nineteen years ago) link

"Gorilla Comes Out Of Fucking Nowhere" wins.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Monday, 14 March 2005 21:29 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh wow.
http://www.comics.org/graphics/covers/1449/400/1449_4_075.jpg

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 16 March 2005 19:48 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh dear. Is that Zatanna? ... is it Darkseid? Is it Paladin?

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 16 March 2005 19:51 (nineteen years ago) link

It's Black Canary.

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 16 March 2005 19:54 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh, whoops. No wonder Green Arrow's so exhausted!

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:07 (nineteen years ago) link

Looks like he got served.

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:09 (nineteen years ago) link

Okay, how did Black Canary manage to take out Superman??????

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:43 (nineteen years ago) link

I thought we talked about this on the Science V. Ugliness thread. Blondes (especially leggy blondes) are unassailable.

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:45 (nineteen years ago) link

So basically you are saying that Black Canary has a Kryptonite punani?

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:48 (nineteen years ago) link

Once you go green...

― Huk-L, Wednesday, 16 March 2005 20:50 (nineteen years ago) link

Skipping 24 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

That waitress is a man in drag, yes?

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 7 June 2005 12:59 (eighteen years ago) link

I am trying to construct a joke about Metrosexualopolis. It's not happening.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 7 June 2005 13:39 (eighteen years ago) link

ten months pass...

http://www.tgfa.org/comics/superman/images/Superboy_78_03.jpg

The full story is here.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 3 May 2006 19:27 (eighteen years ago) link

Actually, the whole site is pretty interesting:

http://www.tgfa.org/comics/

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 3 May 2006 19:31 (eighteen years ago) link

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y298/hukl/superboypanel2.jpg

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 4 May 2006 17:29 (eighteen years ago) link

Ha ha, that site Tuomas links to is the most Tuomasesque site imaginable.

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Friday, 5 May 2006 23:32 (eighteen years ago) link

My best friend who mainly lurks was telling me that Tuomas was the poster she liked best and who can blame her.

― Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Friday, 5 May 2006 23:38 (eighteen years ago) link

Question for Tuomas when he's next online: How do you pronounce your name? In my head it's Too-omas, but that's probably wrong.

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Friday, 5 May 2006 23:41 (eighteen years ago) link

Well, it's basically to-omas, the omas part is mostly like in "Thomas" (which my name is a Finnish version of), expect the "uo" is pronounced as a diphtong, but I don't think English has that.

My best friend who mainly lurks was telling me that Tuomas was the poster she liked best and who can blame her.

Can you give me her number, hur hur.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 6 May 2006 10:53 (eighteen years ago) link

three years pass...

This is Marvel and not DC, but...

http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/2251_4_40.jpg

Only in comics can you have someone say, "Miss America! Did you see any signs yet of that NAZI VAMPIRE?".

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 20:30 (fourteen years ago) link

This is probably my all-time favourite example of comic book absurdity:

http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/tales-of-the-unexpected-85.jpg

Can you imagine... red turning green?! The horror!!!

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 20:45 (fourteen years ago) link

I have to be honest with you and say if that were to really happen, I would be pretty freaked out.

I'm cool with nazi vampires though, and with Miss America being charged with the responsibility for dealing with them.

― Philip Nunez, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 20:52 (fourteen years ago) link

Well yeah, if red turned green, I'm sure people would be freaked out for a while, but they'd probably get used to it pretty soon. It's not like the change would destroy the fabric of our society or anything.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 20:56 (fourteen years ago) link

replacing those traffic lights will be a bitch. would fuck up traffic good & proper. actually now you got me curious what other horrifying consequences are in the inside of that comic.

― Philip Nunez, Wednesday, 27 May 2009 21:07 (fourteen years ago) link

Would it really mess up traffic? If the colours are switched over, it wouldn't make any difference- the sequence would just change from top to bottom to vice versa. (that's in the UK, I don't know how it would work in the US)

― Richard Jones, Thursday, 28 May 2009 11:22 (fourteen years ago) link

Red turns green but green doesn't turn red. So we're down a colour.

― CosMc (Raw Patrick), Thursday, 28 May 2009 11:26 (fourteen years ago) link

Is that Tales of the Unexpected available in a B&W reprint, I wonder. "The Day White Turned to White!"

― chap, Thursday, 28 May 2009 12:24 (fourteen years ago) link

Red turns green but green doesn't turn red. So we're down a colour.

There's so many of those buggers anyway, so who cares? We could just replace red with, say, indigo. It's not like it had much use before.

― Tuomas, Thursday, 28 May 2009 12:36 (fourteen years ago) link

one year passes...

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_dcE1D7cyBDQ/SoYZ02AviVI/AAAAAAAAAFY/Nzn3KGjvxp8/s400/super.bmp

― Tuomas, Tuesday, 28 December 2010 14:04 (thirteen years ago) link

I kinda want to know the context to this, but on the other hand it's perfect as it is.

― Tuomas, Tuesday, 28 December 2010 14:04 (thirteen years ago) link

Oh yes.

― The New Dirty Vicar, Tuesday, 28 December 2010 21:08 (thirteen years ago) link

Context, according to Livejournal, is "It's from a series of 'imaginary stories' in which Kal-El's rocket was found by Thomas and Martha Wayne. They adopted him, named him Bruce and he grew up to be a mild-mannered librarian who works with and romances Barbara Gordon."
http://asylums.insanejournal.com/scans_daily/16278.html

― buildings with goats on the roof (James Morrison), Wednesday, 29 December 2010 07:22 (thirteen years ago) link

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