fuck the assholes who write copy for Groupon

Also see woot.

That clear debris bin holds more than dust, dander, dirt, crumbs, and pet hair. It holds… secrets.

“Still not ready to talk, eh, Dyson? Well, I can do this all night. Mark my words: you will not leave these four walls until you tell us where you hid the stolen gold dust. Not alive, anyway.”

whvvv whvvvv vruuuum

“You’re damn right it’s a threat! You’re lucky that’s all it is right now! You say one more thing about your so-called right to a lawyer and they’ll have to wheel you out of here on a gurney instead of your easy, maneuverable yellow ball. Now, one more time: where’s the gold dust?”

lol hey PP here's one i did for a Little Rock breakfast place called "B-Side"

Sometimes the 'B' side is better than the 'A' side. And when it comes to breakfast, B-Side is a stone cold classic. Today's deal gets you $20.00 worth of grub for $10.00, and (drumroll) ...this includes alcohol. So come give the frittata of the day a spin. Maybe you're feeling a sentimental favorite like buttermilk blueberry pancakes. Or perhaps a mountain of biscuits, sausage, Pommes Rӧsti, with house made sausage gravy and 2 pan-fried eggs (aka "Biscuit Mountain") fits the bill. Sad songs and waltzes might not be selling this year, but B-Side's brunch is blowing up.

^seriously, they were all like this or way worse. *vomit*

When I was in a band, I was the guy who wrote the e-mail updates we sent to our fans, and I always had trouble striking the right hip-and-breezy "Hola, amigos"-ish tone that seemed to be required in order to prevent the e-mail from being just a boring info dump. But I'm someone who tends to deliberate over words a lot. (Like even just now, I wrote "hip, breezy," then changed it to "breezily hip," then realized that wasn't quite right, etc.)

http://o.onionstatic.com/images/personalities/personality/1020/character4_jpg_90x150_upscale_q85.jpg

Actually, I should have just written all the e-mails as Jim Anchower.

it's been a while since i last rapped at ya

Groupon's going for a kind of deadpan/absurd Colbert thing.

is groupon for assholes?

like most people really who always talk about getting "A GOOD DEAL" on everything all the time are among the most tiresome imaginable, and then you add the internet.

apparently they're lousy tippers? or maybe that was people that use Open Table.

Maybe Groupon should look into hiring proper copywriters to write these things... this stuff is worse than nothing.

Groupon and similar sites here (Scoopon/Living Social etc) just got an absolute panning in the Age yesterday - and the comments on the article were also pretty eye opening. Basically the only way this shit works is oversubscribing the offers, but its the coupon company that skims off all the profit: the stores end up swamped and cant/wont honor deals, and thus the customer gets ripped off too (deals expiring within weeks, but no bookings available, etc)

Put me off ever consideirng using such a system.
http://www.theage.com.au/money/planning/catch-in-coupon-special-offers-20110802-1i8nz.html

surprised no-one has cross-ref'd this w/ the Innocent Smoothie thread seeing as this reads like it's totally a product of that whole mess

do i dare ask

Does the entire Innocent Smoothies aesthetic strike you as deeply fucking irritating?

wait there's a chain of smoothie shops on the island of brittain called innocent smoothies?

it's a brand, like fresh samantha or odwalla or whatever

I still maintain it sounds like a teenie porn site.

again, like fresh samantha

Ha, I don't know what Fresh Samantha is, but OK.

imagine anything with variations on 'fresh' or 'natural' in the name can prolly sound like teenie porn if you strain enough

Has anyone else started getting Groupon-like deals from Amazon in their inbox every day?

no, because i immediately unsubscribe from any bullshit like that and so should you!

Beats me how companies come up with the "value" of these "deals." Like, "A $110 value can now be had for $70!" Well obviously it's really worth $70. It's like a department store sale where the "original retail price" is so high that no one would pay it, but the "sale" price is exactly what the going rate is, the sweet spot. To me Groupon is just advertising under a thin guise.

no no it's because they actually want to give you a really good deal! they are just being super-nice!

http://posiescafe.com/wp/?p=316

^one cafe owner's groupon experience

I think the only Groupons that I've bought are for restaurants, and I have been able to get some decent discounts.

The one time it sort of burned me is when I went to an Indian restaurant with Eazy, and we realized that we were just shy of the $40 minimum order that the Groupon required, so we ordered a couple of drinks, but then that put us far enough over $40 that the Groupon essentially just paid for our drinks but didn't save us any money on on our original intended order.

I got a pretty awesome $25 groupon for a local bar that has a great scotch selection. It didn't exclude drinks, so we just sat around drinking $10 glasses of scotch

Beats me how companies come up with the "value" of these "deals." Like, "A $110 value can now be had for $70!" Well obviously it's really worth $70. It's like a department store sale where the "original retail price" is so high that no one would pay it, but the "sale" price is exactly what the going rate is, the sweet spot. To me Groupon is just advertising under a thin guise.

― calstars, Friday, August 5, 2011 3:00 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark

i havent read cozen's link yet but ive talked to a few (bar and restaurant) business owners who fucked with groupon and said they actually take an incredible loss but its worth it for the marketing

also calstars do you know how Groupon works? in most cases you get a gift certificate worth X amount of dollars for half the listed price.

i mean unless you're on some wake up sheeple ~what is value really~ shit

there are plenty of groupon horror stories -- i think gawker ran one of their exposes or w/e

Does the entire Innocent Smoothies aesthetic strike you as deeply fucking irritating?

― 'what's puzzling you' is the name of my dog (DJ Mencap), Friday, August 5, 2011 7:11 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark

btw this is easily one of the most lasting thread titles on ilx for me. idk shit about innocent smoothies but at least once a week i'm think "god, what a deeply fucking irritating aesthetic" to myself

Dry, but another reason it's going to be interesting to see whether they boom or bust:

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-04/groupon-s-strikeouts-reveal-an-unspoken-truth-jonathan-weil.html

groupon is p. wack imo, but i can't say i have tons of sympathy for cafe owners who don't even understand what their basic expenses are.

I almost feel bad for small restaurants who have no idea how to actually do coupons and get talked into a ridiculous deal with Groupon. But then, I remember that they're running a business and there are about a million and one ways they could screw up and that is just one

its it like 70% of restaurants close down in their first year? i get so sad when i see a new restaurant closing, wether i ever ate there or not-- cause i know it means someone's hopes and dreams and hard work have been smashed to pieces, and its probably all their own fault http://i.imgur.com/rGfui.gif

isn't it like

There are many groupon horror stories, which are a drop in the bucket of businesses that end up happy w groupon. Theyve made stats about it public and the vast majority of places have positive results

I do find the copy annoying, groupons are obviously worthwhile sometimes

Fwiw re: hiring "real copywriters" - thats... Exactly what they've done. They've also got a ful editorial team that comes out of like textbook publishing. And apparently, based on market research, this kind of copy works rlly well w their target demo so

Not defending it I think the companies aesthetic is corny but they employ gajillions of writers with salaried positions so kudos to them

haha i think that makes me even more angry about it

xpost re: this annoying style working well w/ their target audience

they kind of stole the house style of woot.com

They've also got a ful editorial team that comes out of like textbook publishing.

One of my coworkers left here (you know where I work) to take a job as a copy editor at Groupon. Paid substantially better.

its it like 70% of restaurants close down in their first year? i get so sad when i see a new restaurant closing, wether i ever ate there or not-- cause i know it means someone's hopes and dreams and hard work have been smashed to pieces, and its probably all their own fault

And then I see the CANCUN CYBER CAFE setting its grand opening off of the main drag through the blue-collar part of town and smdh.

Dry, but another reason it's going to be interesting to see whether they boom or bust:

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-04/groupon-s-strikeouts-reveal-an-unspoken-truth-jonathan-weil.html

― saint dominic's p4k review (Eazy), Friday, August 5, 2011 9:35 AM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark

wow, even with their accounting practices they're prioritizing retarded meaningless cutsey bullshit!!!

Well thats because they have a product anyone can sell, so branding is everything

If their target demo is idiots, then I understand the approach. I only figured they weren't professional copywriters because of some NY Times article ... it talked about Groupon hiring poets, musicians, and journalists to write these things. They read like the creations of some brain-damaged inmate on the cusp of becoming an outsider-art curiosity.

they read like a theater kid's blog posts

hah, once you notice that stuff like "Each album boasts a customer-chosen theme and holds photos that can be cropped and moved around in the most eye-pleasing arrangement" really starts to sound just as harsh

Celebrate the Man Who Gave Birth to You

He felt you grow and kick inside of him for nine months—
thank him with deals on Father's Day gifts.

does Groupon know something about my father that I don't

Yes.

h8 when Groupon writers try to be "funny"

I always think of this guy when I read the "funny" groupon copy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0qLxIzEndA

hahahaha

https://livingsocial.com/events/cities/1171-georgetown-foggy-bottom/683996-djing-with-biz-markie-presented-by-stanton

I was waiting for it, and it delivered in the last sentence

u_u

umair haque
‏@umairh
Hey, what is that "1,2,3,4" song that came out a few years back? Was that Ting Tings?

So dip your brush or tune your ear to what’s happening on F Street -- you won’t be disappointed.

amirite?

haha oops wrong "assholes" thread

groupon is fucking crazy

http://i.imgur.com/5cYYGme.png

lol @ thread title too

really hope they're stroking the mouth BEFORE the anus

what's a skin vagina

Glad to know Groupon still has skin vagina in the game.

if you include the sushi at the bottom that is a real solid date night

lol I almost made a very similar post

so what are you doing later?

getting kicked out of the sushi place when I ask if the vulcan love roll only has salmon skin

I think I've used this like twice in my life, but get so many emails. They seem to be really pushing these faintly scammy-looking lottery ticket broker websites recently

I dodged the bullet of becoming one of these titular assholes thanks to my famed lack of follow-through in the face of opportunity. Whew!